To ask if you could go back and undo having children would you?

[josil]

Genuinely, would you really undo it (not just some days are tough but overall I wouldn't undo it) I want opinions from those that have for a while felt like they wouldn't do it all over again.

Appreciate many threads on this but am keen to hear not just if you would undo it but if you would, why?

Clearly not that silly as most posters managed to answer it

@HeadNorth sorry to hear that

My intent isn't to sound like a researcher - I'm having some issues myself with fertility and ambivalence about parenting and I'm struggling so I'm trying to explore the topic as much as I can that's all.

Sorry for any offended caused

So do you think the issue is that modern day society means you are now parenting longer then 18 years in most cases and that's what takes its toll?

Well if your mental health is impaired it then means you are going to find it difficult to be the best version of you to support the other existence so I disagree to be honest and think you're being quite judgemental

If id known i was going to end up a struggling single mum with 3 expensive teenagers and zero help from their father, I probably would have made different choices yes. Not because how hard it is for me, but because their lives are less fortunate than I wanted for them to be.

No, not for a second. My DS is the greatest joy of my life.

I do regret not having another, but circumstances weren’t right. My life now is ideal to have another child, but I’m mid forties and DH is fifties, so sadly just too old.

I sometimes have a fantasy of living in a tiny flat by myself that is always tidy and peaceful, and being able to come and go as I please, but I don't regret having them. I've always wanted kids so if I was living that lifestyle I'd probably want the one I've got now.

@ImplementingTheDennisSystem if you look at my previous threads I've recently posed the same question to those without kids actually.

I'd like to hear both sides of the coin if that's ok?!

My situation is I'm infertile and trying to have a child is not the straightforward route I expected. The longer it takes, the more cold feet I get into thinking is it actually worth it?

Therefore I'd like to hear as many perspectives as possible.

@luxsolaris thank you for such a balanced post

I definitely regret having a child. Parenting just isn't for me and I wish I could go back in time and not have him. He's great and DH and I give him a wonderful life, but it's very difficult to not feel envious of child-free friends.

It's actually really common. Think of all the women you know that have to remind their husbands to visit or call their parents.

No.

I'm under no illusion that it will not happen to me too at some point.

I love my children and do not regret them.

At the same time it's the hardest thing I have ever done and I sometimes desparately want a break.

I also feel guilty bringing them into this world - covid, cost of living, climate change. What will their quality of life be as adults? That's the one thing that would make me regret having children - the guilt for them.

I also thinking it's great people are prioritising their mental health before procreating. Even with good mental health it's a roller coaster ride. I can't imagine how hard pregnancy/ birth/ postpartum/ teen years if you have pre existing poor mental health.

I regret children, not sure if I would feel like that if I’d had them with someone else but it has been tough. Acrimonious divorce from XH, very difficult ASD teen. I work hard to provide for them, have always prioritised my kid’s needs (incl. private ASD assessments, tutors, getting them to endless hospital appointments etc) without any help from XH and they simply do not have any regard or respect for me at all. Some of it fuelled by XH, but I fully expect to be one of those parents who rarely hears from their child.

Nothing I’ve done or been, just circumstance and who they are.

So, yes, if I turned the clock back I wouldn’t have had a child with XH for many reasons, it was catastrophic for my career which means I’ll be working until I drop and the grief and angst hasn’t been good for my health which means I worry constantly about having to work until I drop.

= my retirement plan

No, ds (4) is my world and I would always want him. There are of course opportunities that I won't have because I've had him, but there's similar to those I didn't get because I met dh young, and on balance, I am happier with the two of them in my life. Weirdly, I think having ds has actually improved my mh overall as having him put things in perspective with regards ro my anxiety. I love seeing dh as a father too and having ds has only strengthened our relationship.

However, where I thought I would want several children, as wonderful as ds is, I'm pretty certain I'm done at one - and I'm lucky that it happened like this, rather than realising after 1 I would have rather had none at all.

Mine too! Very little “stuff” and furnished how I like it. It’s probably a fantasy as DH and I have very different decorating styles….he likes “stuff.” 🤣

No I don't regret it. I have 3 and am happy. I'd like a fourth but think that would probably be too much for my body. I've always wanted kids though, I've never wavered in my desire to have them. Dh is an equal partner and just as good a parent as myself I don't need to mollycoddle him which helps. I have no desire to go back to my life before them. I miss having a lie in of course bit I'll get that again once they are older.

I grew up with a parent with mh issues. She would often say she'd have been happier if she had not met my dad. It was pointed out that she wouldn't have had me and my sister if that was the case. She shrugged it off. This happened often, I remember being around the age of 8 when it clicked what she meant.

So you judging my comment is a bit unfair.

Yea I would. At least I might have waited til I was 30 or 35. I had mine young and was a single parent so I didn’t enjoy parenting. I also feel like I missed out on so much by having a kid young and regret that I can’t have that time back.

@Sometimeswinning My Dad has lifelong MH problems and has said similar to me as an adult. Although I love him, I actually agree with him that he’s not cut out to be a parent. My Mum’s life would have been far easier if she’d had a family with someone more stable, but she loved him (and he her, he has just never taken full responsibility for his problems).

Pressed post too soon. My point is that I do think adults should consider whether they can cope before becoming parents, because if they can’t, the impact on the children will be significant.

I’m talking about peoples with preexisting problems, of course, not parents who later develop them.