To ask if you could go back and undo having children would you?

[josil]

Genuinely, would you really undo it (not just some days are tough but overall I wouldn't undo it) I want opinions from those that have for a while felt like they wouldn't do it all over again.

Appreciate many threads on this but am keen to hear not just if you would undo it but if you would, why?

Why?

Absolutely not. Even in the hardest times having my children means so much to me.

That is actually heartbreaking.

@KangarooKenny do you know why they don't want a relationship with you? Because that sort of thing, from both children, doesn't come out of the blue. Did something happen?

Thing is, it’s virtually impossible to separate a life without children from not having the children you have. As in, I cannot think of anyone who would ever wish their kids weren’t there because - and I say this as Captain Obvious - people generally love their children. So parents cannot separate the child they love being wished into non-existence. Which is really kinda beautiful!

If, however, you were to ask people who don’t yet have kids to confront the actual reality of children before they had them - so the children don’t exist yet - I imagine a number of people would change their mind about having them. But who knows.

Parents generally love their offspring far too deeply to imagine a world without their babies. But I also suspect many people have kids because they just think they should, and with a seemingly loose grip on how hard it really is.

But agree with PPs that these threads almost always turn weirdly defensive/aggressive. Maybe that in itself is telling but I don’t know.

I would not undo my children’ lives and existence. However, I could happily have done without the drudgery, the sheer sensory and emotional overload of motherhood and the constant, nagging sense of what I can only describe as performance anxiety: that awful blankness you feel when you know you should be responding to and engaging with your kids, but you’re actually playing a part and nobody’s given you the lines.

For context, I’m moderately hearing impaired and listening to them speak was very hard work indeed.

Because there might be differ posters with different perspectives.

Why are you always so incredibly rude?

If you'd asked me during the first 8 years or so of my autistic sons life I would have said I'd undo it. I love him too much now to say I would want to undo him being in my life but I'm not sure how much he wants to be here. He's expressed suicidal thoughts from the age of 7...life is bloody hard for him. I would never want to undo my daughter. People say it's the same having boys or girls but that simply not the experience most mothers I know have. There are always exceptions but in general mothers and daughters are much closer.

I massively regret being diagnosed with ADHD so late. A lot of my struggles and regrets were connected to undiagnosed and unmanaged ADHD. Post diagnosis I understand things much better, including that my child also probably has ADHD. I'm much more accepting of both of us now and if anything our relationship has deepened because of it.

This

It reads a bit like a research thread - maybe that’s not the OP’s intent but it is an odd thing to ask people to very specifically share that they regret their children.

No regrets, but if I'm honest also looking forward to them moving out to start their own lives at uni etc.

Parenting is about stages imo and I'm looking forward to the next stage where we just check in, keep in touch, meet up etc without living together.
I'm ready for the next stage of life ie not being a full time parent to focus on my passions of travel, fitness and career building.
I've got friends who harp on about feeling lost and redundant when the kids move out.. my view is that my work here is done, bye!
Meant in the nicest possible obvs

My children are everything to me.

But in my next life I’m sticking to labradors

Yes. In a heartbeat.
that said, the biological imperative I felt when I was "broody" was really powerful and I overwhelmingly wanted each child. But, if I knew what it would actually be like, day in, year in, decade in, I would never have children.
hindsight is a wonderful thing...

I don’t regret it, but the toll on my mental health has been immense. Every day is bloody hard.

Timely post from my own perspective as a mother as today I was thinking about just how lucky I felt to have such wonderful kids.

Hard work yes, but they’re older now (still children) and the hard work is lying odd as and they are turning into three fine,
young men.

I think I just had a lovely day with my individual interactions with them too, which always helps.

Hypothetically speaking. If I could keep only three days of my life, it would be the three days on which they were born.

I adore them all.

*paying off (not lying odd as)

I wouldn’t for these reasons, my overwhelming urge for children took over but I do worry about the world they will be adults in, or even their children.

i joke with my mother that I didn’t ask to be born, I’ve just don’t the same thing though really, haven’t I!

(although my two are amazing, if I was to do it all again I’d want these two repeated every time!)

The idea of regretting my actual children is abhorrent, because I love them more than life. But if I could go back to a time when I didn't yet have kids and be given the gift of knowing exactly what having children is like, then I might well have made a different decision. Especially if I'd only been able to see what it was like up to about 2 years ago. It's got a lot better since then.

I also have the wider guilt of the kind of world I've bought them into. My middle aged life is hard, and I can't help thinking it's my fault they have to go through all the stresses and strains of life and death, as well as unknown horrors of the future (climate change, wars etc.) and all that is my fault.

No I wouldn't, I have had many moments where I have thought how much easier life would be without kids but countless moments where they have made my heart almost burst with joy.

Yes. My ds is amazing but I am not. I miss being childfree with very little responsibilities, I think I was happier before I became a mother.

I don’t regret it at all, motherhood has added so much to my life.

I think that sometimes we need to believe that having kids is 'the best thing that ever happened to us.'
That's what we are led to believe before we have them. Then, they are there and years later, we are diminished and have lost ourselves, but we must believe it's the best thing because an alternative view goes against the social narrative.
Problem is, child rearing continues far longer than nature intended.

Hell no!

No. I never regret having had my children. I regret my choices of partner/father for them. But that’s not the same thing.