Was I too harsh on teen daughter?

[MumofTeen22]

NC for this.

Backstory: teen DD (15) - a few months off turning 16 - is really, really lazy. I have to beg and bribe and nag to get her to help with the smallest of tasks at home. It's draining. All she wants to do it be out with her mates and asks for cash and lifts everywhere etc.

This whole week I've been off work sick with an awful tummy bug / virus. It's absolutely wiped me and youngest DC out (toddler who I am home looking after whilst trying to keep on top of household tasks etc). DH has been working long hours all week. I've had to hold onto kitchen counters at points to steady myself and try not to pass out whilst trying to get jobs done and look after my youngest, I've felt so ill with this bug. But I've had no choice but to keep going.

Teen DD has not offered much by the way of help despite seeing how unwell me and her younger sibling are. At a couple of points I begged her to help as I was really struggling and she did so, but very reluctantly.

Yesterday she announced "I'm out with my mates tomorrow, I'll get the bus to meet them" (bus to the nearest major city from where we live). I said that was fine so long as she didn't rely on lifts from me as I'm not well enough. She said nothing about Sunday and to be honest I was distracted with bathing the youngest so didn't ask what her plans were on Sunday.

So she went off out this morning before youngest DC and I got up. DH at work doing overtime as we need to money. So as per usual I'm just getting on with it all - housework and looking after youngest etc. But still struggling as not feeling great.

Teen messages me about holiday clothes purchases so I reply. I then say "by the way please don't make any plans for tomorrow as I'm going to need your help at home, I'm really behind with the housework this week as I've been ill and DH working again". She texts back: "I've got plans tomorrow with my boyfriend, it's been arranged for ages". I replied: "well you're not going, I need your help".

She then called me saying how it wasn't fair, this has been planned for ages etc. i just snapped at this point - probably a combination of feeling so rough and her selfish lazy attitude all the time. I would never have agreed to todays outing if I'd known she had plans Sunday - I'd have made it clear she needed to be around on at least one of the days to help out.

I said to her "Listen to me - you either get yourself home before 5pm today (this was at 2.50pm) and pull your weight and do some jobs, or you can forget about going out tomorrow and help me then instead. You've got just over 2 hours to get here. Your choice. But don't think I'm going to change my mind - one minute past 5 and you're not going. I'm serious."

Then i hung up.

By the way 2 hours is plenty of time on public transport to get home if she had started to make her way home straight away or within the next 10 mins.

So AIBU to have given her this ultimatum of making a choice: she either loses her day out tomorrow and helps out at home, or gets herself home at a reasonable time today and helps out, and keeps her outing tomorrow?

She's since messaged to say she's on route and it will be "just past 5" when she's home, followed by a "sorry".

Was I harsh??

But I haven’t been nasty…that’s just the way you’ve chosen to take my post. It’s the Internet…people have different opinions, I’ve given mine and explained why I have them, and I’ve had insults thrown back…

mumsnet is supposed to be adults, but sometimes people forget that and they argue and fight just because someone doesn’t agree with them. If we all agreed all of the time then things would be boring and nobody/nothing would ever improve.

like I said, I’m not trying to pile on anyone, but I actually think that talking on a public forum about your child in this way - especially when the dailyfail are bound to pick this up - is not good. And if I read anything like this written about me when I was a teenager I would be absolutely heartbroken.

fwiw…I actually think the daughter should do chores, but I think boundaries should be set, and that in this instance that OP was unreasonable. I’ve given my reasons, and I don’t understand why I have had abuse given by others on here. But it is what it is, I won’t lose sleep over it

You don’t put 14 year olds to bed lol, and it’s half 9…

you say I have had backlash for my posts, but all I see are other people’s abuse toward me being removed. So…just because I have had backlash, doesn’t mean it was appropriate, it tends to be the more aggressive and mean people that are the ones instigating the backlash.

just saying

Just drowning out the incessant white noise at this point.... 😂

Thank you again to all the helpful (and sane) posters who have provided a lot of thoughtful, and at times empathic advice. It's much appreciated.

@Youaremysunshine14 @Sleepingsatellite1

Thank you both.

Sarcasm darling, just saying 😌

Hutchy16 You can try to backpedal all you want but your words are there in black and white and they ARE nasty. You accused OP of wanting to get rid of her child now she was in a new relationship with a toddler, simply because she's expressed frustration that her daughter refused to help her family with a few chores while they were sick with a vomiting bug. She knows she shouldn't have lost her rag, but you've decided based on your "analysis" 🙄 of her comments that she's somehow a terrible mum who wishes her DD didn't exist.

And apparently it gets to stand whilst my perfectly reasonable assertion that this projection based on that poster's own experience gets removed.

Disgraceful

Look how many other posters agree that that post was vile and should be removed.

Why is it still standing?

And apparently it gets to stand whilst my perfectly reasonable assertion that this projection based on that poster's own experience gets removed.

I was surprised it was let stand too - but actually, leaving it up makes it clear how wrong this poster has been, and that her later assertions that she's only offering an opinion, are in fact, untrue.

@EarringsandLipstick

And thank you again too, you've been such a support on this thread x

She should know it was outrageous, we all know it was outrageous, perhaps she doesn’t need anymore oxygen as I don’t know about you OP but she’s just becoming tiresome ☺️

👍 Agree

I've only read the first 20 pages...

You were definitely too harsh and unreasonable. Being ill and having to take care of a small child is a horrible place to be in. I'm sure most of us have been there at some point. So I can understand that it wasn't your finest parenting moment.

But, really, her attitude is your fault. For 15 years you have, as you have admitted, not made her step up and help with chores. You say you have asked but then given in when she has been reluctant. That's on you. You could easily have stopped giving her handouts if she didn't want to do chores. You're the adult here. So is it any surprise that now she isn't ready to do a bunch of housework when she's never been expected to before?

Of course, a 15 year old can and should be able to help around the house, especially when someone else is struggling. But it's her parents' job to raise her to be the type of person who would do that. It's not her fault that you haven't put any boundaries in place until now.

It's also not her fault that you insist on things like vacuuming when it's unnecessary. There are some things that have to happen. Other things can wait a couple of days.

Oh, and @redhoodred1 what are you on about? A 15 year old is literally a child, and they will become an adult on their 18th birthday. That's just a fact. It has nothing to do with their capabilities.

Oh bless you! Hope you feel better soon.

I’m not trying to say she doesn’t love her daughter. I’m trying to make her realise that she has posted some awful comments about her daughter and that it comes across in a very negative way.

i apologise if it sounds like I am saying that she doesn’t love her daughter, but really, look at the context of my words. I’m just trying to point out that if her daughter were to see this thread, she would be heartbroken to have been spoken about so callously.

No problem!

I genuinely have been impressed you have stayed the course through this thread (most people would have fled, understandably!)

And that you were honest - you didn't shy away from what you were really feeling, and that's not easy to do (again, many, probably including me, would have backed down or diluted their original points).

And I think you & DD will do fine. And reading threads like this helps many of us who have teenage DC and don't know what it's like for others - do others have struggles & question things too... and thus thread opened that up.

Those defending the teens behavior… WTAF?! I’d be so upset if my teenagers didn’t give a shite about their mother/sibling being terribly poorly!! I’d feel like a failure as a mother to instill some decency into my children!! OP I’m afraid you reap what you sow but I’m sorry that your teen is being so selfish. I think you need to start re thinking the freedom age has with the complete lack of respect she has for you!!

No I didn’t.

i said that her comments about her daughter sound as if she doesn’t want her. And I asked her if this was the case. I just want her to realise that if her daughter sees this thread she will be heartbroken to see the way her mum talks about her.

it’s just really sad to see that’s all. And I just hope her daughter doesn’t get the same vibes from her mum as I get on here because it won’t be nice for her.

genuinely not saying that the OP doesn’t love her daughter, just that it comes across like she doesn’t in the way she talks about her. Just trying to make her realise that it isn’t pleasant

i apologise if it sounds like I am saying that she doesn’t love her daughter,

There's no 'if'.

You asked the OP if she viewed her daughter as a 'leftover of a failed relationship'.

There's no context - it was absolutely shitty. OP has stood up to crap from posters, admirably I think.

I would be in bits if I read this line in her position.

You need to apologise properly. Stop justifying yourself.

It was awful.

@Nanny0gg - thank you to you, too

i said that her comments about her daughter sound as if she doesn’t want her. And I asked her if this was the case.

But that's an appalling thing to say!

I just want her to realise that if her daughter sees this thread she will be heartbroken

Nonsense.

This isn’t what happened and I’m not back pedalling. I stand by everything I said. I am just having to explain context to people who don’t have a grasp of it.

when you read words you should ensure you have an understanding of what you are reading, otherwise you will sling insults at people online for no reason.

it’s ok though, I won’t lose sleep over it ;)

i said that her comments about her daughter sound as if she doesn’t want her.

That's what I meant by you saying she wants to get rid. The context of your comments is clear. You also asked her if she saw her daughter as a leftover from a "previously failed relationship", which was also horrid, because you have no idea why that relationship ended, it could've been down to abuse. There's definitely someone coming across as unpleasant, and it's not OP.