Was I too harsh on teen daughter?

[MumofTeen22]

NC for this.

Backstory: teen DD (15) - a few months off turning 16 - is really, really lazy. I have to beg and bribe and nag to get her to help with the smallest of tasks at home. It's draining. All she wants to do it be out with her mates and asks for cash and lifts everywhere etc.

This whole week I've been off work sick with an awful tummy bug / virus. It's absolutely wiped me and youngest DC out (toddler who I am home looking after whilst trying to keep on top of household tasks etc). DH has been working long hours all week. I've had to hold onto kitchen counters at points to steady myself and try not to pass out whilst trying to get jobs done and look after my youngest, I've felt so ill with this bug. But I've had no choice but to keep going.

Teen DD has not offered much by the way of help despite seeing how unwell me and her younger sibling are. At a couple of points I begged her to help as I was really struggling and she did so, but very reluctantly.

Yesterday she announced "I'm out with my mates tomorrow, I'll get the bus to meet them" (bus to the nearest major city from where we live). I said that was fine so long as she didn't rely on lifts from me as I'm not well enough. She said nothing about Sunday and to be honest I was distracted with bathing the youngest so didn't ask what her plans were on Sunday.

So she went off out this morning before youngest DC and I got up. DH at work doing overtime as we need to money. So as per usual I'm just getting on with it all - housework and looking after youngest etc. But still struggling as not feeling great.

Teen messages me about holiday clothes purchases so I reply. I then say "by the way please don't make any plans for tomorrow as I'm going to need your help at home, I'm really behind with the housework this week as I've been ill and DH working again". She texts back: "I've got plans tomorrow with my boyfriend, it's been arranged for ages". I replied: "well you're not going, I need your help".

She then called me saying how it wasn't fair, this has been planned for ages etc. i just snapped at this point - probably a combination of feeling so rough and her selfish lazy attitude all the time. I would never have agreed to todays outing if I'd known she had plans Sunday - I'd have made it clear she needed to be around on at least one of the days to help out.

I said to her "Listen to me - you either get yourself home before 5pm today (this was at 2.50pm) and pull your weight and do some jobs, or you can forget about going out tomorrow and help me then instead. You've got just over 2 hours to get here. Your choice. But don't think I'm going to change my mind - one minute past 5 and you're not going. I'm serious."

Then i hung up.

By the way 2 hours is plenty of time on public transport to get home if she had started to make her way home straight away or within the next 10 mins.

So AIBU to have given her this ultimatum of making a choice: she either loses her day out tomorrow and helps out at home, or gets herself home at a reasonable time today and helps out, and keeps her outing tomorrow?

She's since messaged to say she's on route and it will be "just past 5" when she's home, followed by a "sorry".

Was I harsh??

@Tellmeiabu

Your mother did all those things with you too? You have all those lovely precious memories, too? That sounds lovely.

@MumofTeen22 your OP was asking if you were being unreasonable in the scenario you described. some posters, including me think you were. Your message to her telling her she couldn’t was unfair.

tbh the amount of time you’ve spent on MN arguing with people that disagree with you (7 pages) could have been used to catch up on the chores your daughter just had to cancel her plans for.

Havent read the comments.

Yabu to not have told her in advance you expected help at some point in the weekend.

Yanbu to expect her to pull her weight especially as you give her money and lifts etc.

But i would say her not ever having been expected to help is the cause of it all.

My 13 yo and 12 yo both help with dishwasher, cleaning bathrooms help folding laundry, sometimes help with meal prep, taking bins out etc etc. They don't exactly enjoy it but they know we are a team and dh and i do a lot for them, buy a lot for them etc so realise all housework does not only fall on the parents shoulders. It also is good life skills for when they eventually live by themselves.

And that's absolutely fine to say you think I was unreasonable with the way I handled it.

But you also pointed out that she would remember it.

So I wanted to counterbalance that with the lovely things she will also remember, that make up probably 85% of our time together.

Not all kids come out of childhood with mostly lovely memories, some sadly have the opposite. I'm proud that my daughter won't be one of them.

Don’t project, it helps no one.

Mumsnet is a funny place. There was a thread yesterday on which many posters claimed there was no skill involved in parenting and unless you seriously neglect or traumatise a child, they will all be fine anyway. Yet here you are OP, being ripped apart for not starting your DD on the domestic chores at 5 or whatever age. Now you've been told that your DD will remember you asking her to help for the rest of her life. For what it's worth OP I think you sound like

a lovely mum x

@JLwac

Honestly ... after all the shit and disgusting personal comments I've had thrown at me on this thread ... that has actually brought a tear to my eye. Thank you x

Ridiculous isn’t it, some are horrified she hasn’t made her do chores before and some are up in arms that she’d ask a teenager to do anything

@MumofTeen22 OMG OP. I just had to respond after reading soooooo many nasty comments. It’s responses like this that make me want to leave mumsnet.

growing up my mum used to get me and my siblings (brother included) to do chores on Friday after school. Basic things like hoover, dusting and cleaning bathrooms. We did it and yes sometimes it ‘wasn’t fair’ but we also saw how hard my parents worked to give us so much.

when my mum went through menopause I was in my teens. My siblings and I all literally did everything around the house, cooking and cleaning. My dad used to work 16 hours a day and even he would help on weekends.

We all did this because we are a FAMILY and ALL lived in the house. The posters saying your daughter isn’t a servant, well neither are you!!!!

I now have a DD 13 and she may not clean the whole house but her chores are over the weekend to get her room cleaned including her bathroom and also she puts all clothes out to dry. It’s about 10% of the overall house work but it helps me and also teaches her the basics of house work that one day she will do in her own home.

I think the only area you’ve been Unreasonable is by not getting her to help around the house previously. I would tell her what you want her to help with weekly around the house and it’s up to her when she wants to do it. Like I said my dd decides what day between Friday to Sunday she wants to get her room cleaned.

ignore everyone telling you that she will leave and you will have a horrible relationship with her.

@Aprilx

Well your conclusion is very wrong.

If you read any thread on here where someone is ranting or complaining about a stressful situation with anyone in their lives, be it their partner, their mother, their friend, their sibling, their son, their daughter ... you see only a snapshot of what the problem is, don't you. You see a snapshot of that person's frustrations being vented. You cannot from that alone, conclude that they are a horrible person / mother / friend / whatever. Especially when taken into consideration on balance of their other thoughts and feelings, which I have also shared at length on this thread.

Tbh I am so far beyond done with justifying myself and my relationship with my daughter to strangers who clearly have an agenda. It means nothing to me. Absolutely ziltch. What matters, is that my daughter knows she is loved despite the tough times we may occasionally encounter (such is life and families), and I know that we will always have a good relationship.

That's all I care about. So judge away.

How have we got such extremes of views?!

One poster telling me I sound like a lovely mum, and a few minutes later: "it's clear you thoroughly dislike your daughter".

Mind boggling!

Anyway. I know what the reality is. That's all that matters.

Unfortunately, those memories are the memories that you hope she'll have.
Sadly, you don't get to dictate this.
Wonderful activities you've done in the past can still be negated by a one off memory that the person involved feels was derogatory, manipulative, unreasonable, embarrassing and bullying.
You hope to be proud that your daughter will be one of them with lovely memories.

I too wonder how much housework you could have done of you've been capable of being on MN so much arguing why you're absolutely not unreasonable to have had such conduct towards your daughter!

I find the vindictiveness baffling. Fine if posters think you handled the situation incorrectly and that you might be storing up issues for the future with your DD, blah blah, but the vitriol with which you've been attacked is of a level normally reserved for abusers and murderers! Even cheating OWs haven't had as hard a time as you have. So much glee in the delivery too. The more upset you've got, the more vicious people have been and you can tell they're enjoying it. Really low even by MN standards.

Wonderful activities you've done in the past can still be negated by a one off memory that the person involved feels was derogatory, manipulative, unreasonable, embarrassing and bullying.

More assumption - have you spoken to my DD? You know for a fact she feels these things?

Utter hyperbolic rubbish

@Youaremysunshine14

I'm glad it's not just me who sees it. Awful isn't it. This place has gone downhill.

Oh have a day off.

@ChoiceMummy

I too wonder how much housework you could have done of you've been capable of being on MN so much arguing why you're absolutely not unreasonable to have had such conduct towards your daughter!

Bugger all, I expect. She's flopped out recovering from Covid. Any attempt to rush around with the hoover will have her laid out for a week.

@ChoiceMummy

Wonderful activities you've done in the past can still be negated by a one off memory that the person involved feels was derogatory, manipulative, unreasonable, embarrassing and bullying.

That's quite a hostage to fortune when we can all investigate precisely how derogatory, manipulative and bullying your posting history is!

Yep. Too many OTT pile ons and if an OP dares to argue against opinions – as is perfectly their right to defend themselves – it can get downright nasty.

Interesting.......

Point 1) Nonsense. You obviously haven't read all the OPss posts

2. Ill or not, some tasks have to be done

OMG OP. I just had to respond after reading soooooo many nasty comments. It’s responses like this that make me want to leave mumsnet.

Yes. Me too.