Was I too harsh on teen daughter?

[MumofTeen22]

NC for this.

Backstory: teen DD (15) - a few months off turning 16 - is really, really lazy. I have to beg and bribe and nag to get her to help with the smallest of tasks at home. It's draining. All she wants to do it be out with her mates and asks for cash and lifts everywhere etc.

This whole week I've been off work sick with an awful tummy bug / virus. It's absolutely wiped me and youngest DC out (toddler who I am home looking after whilst trying to keep on top of household tasks etc). DH has been working long hours all week. I've had to hold onto kitchen counters at points to steady myself and try not to pass out whilst trying to get jobs done and look after my youngest, I've felt so ill with this bug. But I've had no choice but to keep going.

Teen DD has not offered much by the way of help despite seeing how unwell me and her younger sibling are. At a couple of points I begged her to help as I was really struggling and she did so, but very reluctantly.

Yesterday she announced "I'm out with my mates tomorrow, I'll get the bus to meet them" (bus to the nearest major city from where we live). I said that was fine so long as she didn't rely on lifts from me as I'm not well enough. She said nothing about Sunday and to be honest I was distracted with bathing the youngest so didn't ask what her plans were on Sunday.

So she went off out this morning before youngest DC and I got up. DH at work doing overtime as we need to money. So as per usual I'm just getting on with it all - housework and looking after youngest etc. But still struggling as not feeling great.

Teen messages me about holiday clothes purchases so I reply. I then say "by the way please don't make any plans for tomorrow as I'm going to need your help at home, I'm really behind with the housework this week as I've been ill and DH working again". She texts back: "I've got plans tomorrow with my boyfriend, it's been arranged for ages". I replied: "well you're not going, I need your help".

She then called me saying how it wasn't fair, this has been planned for ages etc. i just snapped at this point - probably a combination of feeling so rough and her selfish lazy attitude all the time. I would never have agreed to todays outing if I'd known she had plans Sunday - I'd have made it clear she needed to be around on at least one of the days to help out.

I said to her "Listen to me - you either get yourself home before 5pm today (this was at 2.50pm) and pull your weight and do some jobs, or you can forget about going out tomorrow and help me then instead. You've got just over 2 hours to get here. Your choice. But don't think I'm going to change my mind - one minute past 5 and you're not going. I'm serious."

Then i hung up.

By the way 2 hours is plenty of time on public transport to get home if she had started to make her way home straight away or within the next 10 mins.

So AIBU to have given her this ultimatum of making a choice: she either loses her day out tomorrow and helps out at home, or gets herself home at a reasonable time today and helps out, and keeps her outing tomorrow?

She's since messaged to say she's on route and it will be "just past 5" when she's home, followed by a "sorry".

Was I harsh??

I have same trouble with mine and she's a kindhearted good kid, it's normal to struggle to get them to do stuff. I've started saying in advance now if you don't do such and such by certain date I won't be helping you or taking you to xyz....its always harder after the fact. Teenagers are a minefield

You said what you said. “A leftover from a failed relationship”

you can try and pretend and backpedal and say that’s how the DD might see herself if she ever found herself on a parenting forum reading it but we know it’s bollocks.

That is a breathtakingly nasty thing to say to anyone, especially if you’ve read all the OPs posts and it shows the sort of person you are

Your ds sounds lovely. I hope he continues to be so. My year 9 dd is more like op’s dd. I’m also at the point of reevaluating.

Well when it suits you he does! If you are that bad, I was thinking it is him that should be helping you now not your 15 year old daughter and yes taking time off work or not doing overtime if need be.

You seem to have punished your daughter (regarding cancelling her plans) when she actually hasn’t done anything wrong other than have made some plans!

Just read whole thread and can't belive the character assassination going on here. I've been in OPS position. The constant nagging and then giving up and doing it myself. Kids who do everything they are told right then and there are the exception not the norm. Mine are in a place now where they do help out and more responsible, they cook wash up do laundry etc. But I've had several meltdowns along the way when I've felt overwhelmed and without help. That's usually when the strict side comes out and it's not how to do it but I've done it and that's life . From when I was 11 I was helping out in my dad's shop looking after my sister cooking ironing cleaning. I didn't want all that on my kids and yes was soft. But they get there in the end and anyone who says they don't have a meltdown once in a while is telling fibs lol. Op has patience of Saint on this thread.

God, there's a lot of precious people on here. Teenagers tend to be inherently self centered no matter how well you bring them up, so it's normal behaviour. And its also normal to have chores to earn their pocket money, you are not treating her like a skivvy, just having normal expectations. I would be miffed too at her actions, she's old enough to see that you are struggling and should have the empathy to help out. The good news is, the stroppy years don't last. Gah, my mum would have slapped me into next week (figuratively lol) if I were your teen.

@ChoiceMummy

Sigh. Here we go again. I never said he was "angelic" - so I'm not responding to that because it's ridiculous.

And as I said before, there are two adults, the partner has only just started the overtime so had 5 days beforehand he could have been assisting in his home as an equal adult.

Yes, he was doing overtime Fri-Sun. Mon-Thurs he was working his usual shifts. So he worked 7 days last week. This is not usual - this is a temporary arrangement, and the overtime is for the benefit of my daughter which you'd know if you had read all my replies.

And, despite the 50-60 hour working weeks he's doing currently, he's also helping as much as possible around his shifts with housework and childcare. Guess who did the night wakings last week with the unwell toddler whilst I was also unwell and needing to sleep, and then went straight to work on little sleep? That's right. It wasn't me.

You're clearly desperate to find fault where there isn't any with DH. He's not "angelic" nor perfect, by any stretch, but he works bloody hard for this family. Not quite sure why you're determined to suggest otherwise.

Thank you!

@Aprilx

I said her DAD gets off Scot free. The one who has, y'know, helped raise her EOW this past decade and a half.

My husband is not her dad, he's her step dad.

I'm trying to work out if reading comprehension is dreadful, or if people are just lazily adding their opinions without having bothered to read anything I've already (in some cases repeatedly) responded to in a very clear way...

A few chores simply doesn't necessitate cancelling a teen's entire weekend, no matter how many times people grumble about selfish teens. OP would do better to work out a plan for activities and teach the DD (and perhaps herself and DH) how to do chores efficiently. If each of them took on one item it would take 30-45 min per day:

1. the dishwasher and washing up get sorted at breakfast time
2. a load in the machine done, hung and put away any laundry that was out from the day before
3. half hour set aside each day to do a main task cleaning bathrooms one day, quick vacuum and mop another, dusting etc.

To be honest at coming up to 16 she should not have been allowed to get away fir this long with doing absolutely nothing to help and constantly asking for money and lifts
Time to make her earn her money by doing certain jobs around the house and to learn to budget her allowance
Constantly bankrolling her and being a free taxi may seem the “kind” thing to do now but it will do her no favours longer term.
she is old enough now to start taking some responsibility in terms of pulling her weight and managing her money

'A leftover from a failed relationship' is such a nasty comment to make @Hutchy16. So spiteful and way off the mark here.

OP, I get it. I've a 16yr old and she can sometimes drive me to distraction with her laziness. What I realised though was my own inconsistency and reluctance to ask her to do anything wasn't helping. Plus those 'handouts' with zero conditions attached weren't helping either.

Teenagers are inherently selfish and won't view any kind of housework that needs doing as we do.

Chores are a good thing - often much needed skills that will help alleviate any shock when our little darlings find themselves alone for the first time.

She needs instruction (as did mine) so draw up a list of chores you expect her to be doing, from stripping her own bed and putting it in washing machine to a once a week full bathroom clean to daily washing of cat dishes etc. Break it down from daily to weekly. And give her a set sum on a day of your choosing. This will set up a routine and make it clear on both sides.

I praise my dd's efforts and always say thank you. This way has worked and I wished I had tackled it earlier instead of 'just doing it myself' and quietly seething.

I think your dd's lack of empathy has been the stinger for you here. Again, teens can often be so consumed by themselves there is scant room for thinking of anyone else. Sit her down and explain how you felt, keep it brief but just say you needed her help and felt hurt, adding how valued her help is to you....

I always find with my dd that clearing the air with a small chat and making clear what is expected and why helps, and works.

I don't understand anyone who thinks teenagers should not help around the house.

I suspect they are, OP. Some of the flak you've been getting on this thread is just ridiculous and I think there's been a lot of nasty preconceptions being aired.

@AtwilightRebellion

Thank you for your post, that's helpful.

That other poster's disgusting comment has now quite rightfully been removed.

Hard agree. It's on threads like this that you realise just how many women despise other women, and will always find fault with them. It's very revealing.

I dont think you were harsh op youre ill so understandable

just to say my dsis was like this at home(much yonger than me) she wasnt asked to contribute in anyway got lifts everywhere didnt even tidy or cook her own meals was all done for her

i tried to tell my parents what they were doing was told to stay out of it-unfortunatel our mother died and just like that she was told to fget her act together and look after herself she didnt know what do was a total shock

i do blame them because they enabled it all her childhood-so maybe try and sit down and chat with her about your expectations going forward so she can learn to live and work as a family do and help each other

Cant believe the comments saying your been unreasonable she should have jobs to do around the house and offer to help u when your sick that's what families do .. I have a 16 year old son who does bo housework but is amazing with his brothers who are 3 19 months and 7 weeks he minds them while I jump in shower and sits in car with them while I do grocery shop or have errands to run like post office etc ... he gets money when he asks for it and we always get a takeaway at weekend he is part of a family and helps out he cleans his room and washes the car etc he now has a summer job gone at 5.3p till 4 pm five days a,week and loves it I make his lunch night before for him ... there is nothing wrong with your parenting she needs to be a little more considerate till your better

@MumofTeen22 but you were BU?

Its not unreasonable to expect her to help in general but it is to text her and tell her she can’t go through with her plans last minute unless she comes home asap.

It’s not her fault you can’t bear to get behind with the house work.

you’ve handled this badly and she’ll remember this.

As a mum of DDs 17 and 14 I don't think you were harsh. Possibly a little bad timing but when you are juggling and sick asking the right questions at right time is not easy!
It not necessarily about expecting her to pick up the slack as other have said and more about her realising she is part of a family and needs to contribute especially when one (the main doer) has been unwell
You didn't withdraw all activities and chain her to the sink just asked her to decide which to cut short. General life I would say!

Hope you are feeling better

you’ve handled this badly and she’ll remember this.

She might remember it, yes.

Fortunately for me when she looks back on her childhood she will also remember lots of fun times with us dressing up in silly outfits and glasses and dancing around the house, her first heartbreak and how I dried her tears through that, arguments with her Dad and how I advocated for her and took her side, me and her making silly TikTok videos on her phone and her collapsing laughing because "mam you're so embarrassing", the girl who was incessantly bullying her at primary school and how I didn't give up in that headteacher's office until she did something about it and stopped my girl from getting hurt; me buying her nice things that she asks for, me sitting beside her at every parents evening showing interest in her progress at school and praising her, me ordering pizza and getting snacks from the shops for her and her mates to share during their very many sleepovers over the years.... most important she will remember that I told her every day that I love her.

The good times with my girl far outweigh the bad shit, by a country mile. And that's what she will remember.

@Tellmeiabu you sound so ridiculous. Do you have children? If you do, do worship them?

The short notice and the threats were unreasonable.. hut i expect done out of exhaustion / illness.. which of course we all lose it at times so let self off hook. Going forward ,have a family meeting about who does what and plan to address getting back on track as a family unit..?

@Dorosomethingbeautiful no but I have a mother that sounds similar to this, her resent for me showed through despite seemingly ‘doing everything for me’ and I try and limit contact with her now.

I forgot the best memory of all... our road trip, just the two of us, from one end of the country to the other a few years back. Just because. Staying at random hotels along the way and dancing round hotel rooms wearing face masks and just being silly ..... she'll definitely remember that one. 🥰