Would you be put off by a man who doesn't drive?

[ItDoesMyHeadIn]

I was. Cancelled the date. I'm being too fussy apparently. To be fair my friend is married to a man who doesn't drive and he's amazing. Neither of my parents drive. The guy I was going to date could afford it, he just can't be arsed. He is happy to walk everywhere or use public transport. Up to him. But I would want to be with someone who can literally take the wheel sometimes. Like fuck do I want to be the one driving 8 hours up to Scotland for a holiday, or being the one to always collect the takeaway etc. I'm pretty traditional and sometimes I admit I would want my man to pick me up and take me out for dinner etc (fuck off crazy feminists, yes I can take myself out for dinner). I didn't actually realise how much of a deal breaker this was until it was put in front of me! Interested in opinions...

Almost all of our regular journeys are quicker by train than they would be by car. The nearest town centre is also easily walkable, but there are about 20 buses an hour if we need to hop on one.
There are lots of places, even within a mile of my house, where living car-free could be isolating, but equally there are plenty of places (and lifestyles) where a car is needed so rarely as to make it an foolish waste of time and money.
I don’t really understand why other people’s choices are triggering so much rage.

Funnily enough, I don't consider public transport journeys to be a waste of time. I often use the time, to read, catch up on paperwork, do knitting or crocheting, or an Italian lesson on Duolingo or whatever. I genuinely love travelling by train

Would be a dealbreaker for me.

Totally agree!

Oh I enjoyed reading/doing the crossword or sudoku on the bus. I just preferred getting home in half the time.

And in that situation, for you, it makes total sense why you’d prefer to drive.

What I don’t get is when people extrapolate from their own situation to make big sweeping statements about how practical it is to live without a car in general. All the “from my house it would take four hours to get to work by unreliable public transport”, “where I live my children couldn’t do XYZ without a car”, “bet you couldn’t get to my nearest beach on the bus” - okay, I believe you, but also I don’t live in your house so this is not a problem for me.

It would be like me finding out it takes me over 5 hours to travel into central London from my house, and then saying “I don’t understand why anyone would choose to work in London, what a waste of their time and their children’s opportunities, five HOURS of travel!” Rather than thinking maybe people who work in London don’t choose to live where I live.

@GoldenOmber

Absolutely agree

I competely understand that if you live rurally, have poor public transport or have a ridiculous commute that driving is preferable
So why can’t drivers understand that I have a 20 minute walk to work, that I have a high street with shops, cafes, etc etc 5 mins walk away, a park 10 mins away, three theatres, multi screen cinema within 15 mins walk, town centre - 20 mins away
For all these places in the time it takes to get in a car, find somewhere to park, pay and still have to walk to where I’m going, I can get there quicker on foot.

For all my daily business I do not need a car - whats so difficult to understand?

I have no issue with people who don’t have a car but I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t drive. Quite different things.

I'm sure people do understand but they also have the right not to date anyone for any reason they choose!

Ive seen posts on here before saying they hate men with tattoos and would never date a man with a a tattoo. You could say the exact same thing: "oh, but they could be missing out on a great guy!". Doesnt matter- if its a deal breaker for them then its a deal breaker isnt it? No amount of hand wringing is going to change that. I have 2 tattoos and get lip fillers (which on mumsnet is regularly scorned and mocked). I dont care- I'm not asking anyone on mumsnet to date me so it doesnt offend me one jot. Everyone has preferences and I am quite sure the non drivers on this thread have their own dating preferences that someone, somewhere would take offence too.

So much butthurt in this thread lol

@mintybobs

of course people can date who like for whatever reason they like

my point was to address the issue that whilst non drivers are perfectly happy to accept that for some people driving is essential, drivers are seem to be incapable of grasping the fact that is not essential for others and that we are not depriving ourselves or our children of opportunities

But that wasnt the point of the thread! The entire point of the thread was OP saying she wouldnt date a non driver and people getting butthurt about it and trying to justify why they dont drive....

There's a bit of a difference between "I find tattoos unattractive" and "people with tattoos are [insert negative stereotype]". One is simply a question of personal preferences, the other is unfounded and offensive.

@mintybobs

I know it wasn't the original point of the thread, but as is usual when non drivers are the subject of a thread it descend into
Non drivers are
lazy
always cadging lifts
depriving themselves and their kids of opportunities
not proper adults etc etc etc etc
and the inability of drivers to accept that this is generally not true

It wasn’t a dealbreaker when we got together nearly 20 years ago as we lived in London. I lived rurally as a teen and he didn’t, so it was more important to me so I could have freedom as there was no local public transport. He learnt before we left London at my insistence, and honestly it would be an inconvenience of the most epic proportions if I had to do all the driving to swimming, scouts, karate, surfing etc. for the DC, if only because I work evenings. There are two buses a day now since local funding was cut a few years ago. DC will learn to drive as soon as we can afford it.

Agree, driving is a fairly basic life skill

And there we go straightaway

Driving is a basic life skill

No, because I also don't drive but I see your point.

And there we go straightaway

To be fair, the thread is almost three weeks old.

To be fair- I didn't revive it

I'd agree with you after being with my ex, addict to xbox etc.

But then my husband is very focused on his career, wonderful dad, works many hours and studies and plays the playstation periodically in bouts and to chill out, and we use it for TV stuff.

I wouldn't date anyone into football though.

So are sewing and DIY, would you automatically discount any man who can't sew a button back on or put up some shelves?

Given some of the useless men who are the subject of many an AIBU thread, inability to drive ought to be the least of your worries.

My DH can't drive for health reasons. It's a real burden on me tbh as public transport is not adequate to transport kids to various activities.

Equally- drivers in this thread are being called lazy, ruining the planet, you are missing out on great guys by being so ridiculous etc etc

But the only reason for that is people getting super sensitive and hurt about the fact she wont date a non driver. Why? if you arent a non driver why would you even care if some random person on the internet wouldnt date you? In life there will always be people who arent your type and conversely, people who arent your type. Good grief, if we all got angry about that we'd spend every day fuming.

Insults have been thrown at both which I dont agree with at all. But my point still stands- people can date whomever they want and there is no need to get hurt about it if you fall into the "wouldnt date you" category.

We drive our kids somewhere every single day, and it a hassle getting them all out, getting the baby into her seat, carrying the baby plus stuff. It isn’t comparable to the occasional button! And diy is easily aggregated and paid for, we have a man working in our backyard at the moment, I’d just ask him to take care of the last 6 months of this and that if dh couldn’t (I can’t be bothered doing it myself, I’m chief planner organiser decider and lots of other things). Our quality of life would drop considerably if one of us couldn’t drive, if that was by choice I’d resent it enormously.

So are sewing and DIY, would you automatically discount any man who can't sew a button back on or put up some shelves?

Personally yes, if he wasn't prepared to learn. I like capable, proactive men who get shit done.