Would you be put off by a man who doesn't drive?

[ItDoesMyHeadIn]

I was. Cancelled the date. I'm being too fussy apparently. To be fair my friend is married to a man who doesn't drive and he's amazing. Neither of my parents drive. The guy I was going to date could afford it, he just can't be arsed. He is happy to walk everywhere or use public transport. Up to him. But I would want to be with someone who can literally take the wheel sometimes. Like fuck do I want to be the one driving 8 hours up to Scotland for a holiday, or being the one to always collect the takeaway etc. I'm pretty traditional and sometimes I admit I would want my man to pick me up and take me out for dinner etc (fuck off crazy feminists, yes I can take myself out for dinner). I didn't actually realise how much of a deal breaker this was until it was put in front of me! Interested in opinions...

@WanderingFruitWonderer agree, if you get up earlier therr's usually another way.

AGREE

Posted too soon, but yes, there is some psychology or some fear being projected on to non drivers. So baffling.

It costs a lot to drive so non drivers living their lives might make some of these types question the expense (?) but they push the questions out of their head so quickly they don't realise they were there.
Maybe driving makes them feel powerful?
But if people dont need a car, that makes them feel less powerful?

There has to be some explanation for this hate on non drivers.

I married one so no it didn't put me off. He did learn to drive eventually ( we've been together for 20 years now) . I won't lie and say it didn't annoy me sometimes over the years but it certainly wasn't enough to put me off being with him . He also struggled to learn a bit so ended up passing on an automatic car which means we have to buy automatic cars but that is fine.

Nowadays he drives more than I do but in the first 5 years ,I did all the driving and most of it for the next few years as he was not the best driver 🙄for a while and I spent too much time flinching. Over time he improved and I never ( well almost never) flinch or stamp on imaginary brakes when he drives anymore 😄😄

Of the slightly annoying quirks my beloved DH had when we met, him being a vegetarian is the one I've been most irritated by over the years ( and not much by that really)
He couldn't drive, was a vegetarian and incredibly untidy at home ( dirty if I am honest though not at a personal level just housework ) . Only being vegetarian is left now

People change if they want to. He loves me so learnt to drive as he saw the unfair burden it put on me. He also overcame his inability to understand why a house needs ito be clean because he saw it made me unhappy. He still doesn't really see the point of much housework and I know if I died the house would return to squalor even all these years later. However he absolutely does his share of cleaning and more during the times I have a lot on.

He does all the food planning and 90% of the cooking nowadays . He has done the food planning for the whole 20years ( agreed as he had the dietary needs - ie was the vegetarian) but I did more of the actual cooking than I do now, it was more 50/50 in those days

All this is to say, many things can be deal breakers in the wrong person but are just quirks in the right person and no-one is perfect . However it you can decide if he is the right person not a load of strangers on the internet

I married a non driver. When we met I could already drive and lived in the suburbs. He couldn’t and lived in London with no need to drive and even if he learnt he had no parking.
when we got together he moved out of London to be with me. Saving for a wedding and home meant no money to learn. Then marriage and a young family so again money was allocated elsewhere. By the time we had spare money we didn’t really see the need and so he never learnt to drive. When the children were young it would have made life easier to have two cars and two drivers but we couldn’t justify the extra expense.

I think there’s something in this argument. The level of vitriol is quite remarkable.
I do get that some people find driving liberating, but I find it the opposite. I don’t want to have to remember to check the oil, and the tyres, and pay the tax and worry whether it’ll pass the MOT and shop around for insurance. I’d also much rather be reading a book or getting exercise while travelling than spending my time focusing on not killing myself or other people - and I don’t find it at all reassuring when drivers tell me they get used to it and stop worrying about that.

I completely agree with both of you. There is definitely something going on with the posters labelling non-drivers things like 'lazy' and 'uneducated', etc and preaching about how much better people they are because they drive. People tend to only belittle others when they are insecure in themselves, or to make themselves feel superior and/or good about themselves. This is called bullying, which I have seen evidence of in this thread. If it isn't that, they are just plain and simple, snobs!

There is no right or wrong, being a driver or a non-driver. Each to their own, and whatever works for them. Of course, a car does give a certain freedom, and there are advantages to driving. Some people who live rurally or need a car for a certain jobs do need to drive, and that is their life and their business, as long as they don't behave like certain folk on this thread and think they are God because they drive. There is also nothing wrong with someone choosing not to drive, even if, shock horror, they don't have an 'acceptable' reason. They'll work around it, and while some drivers may not understand it, as long as it doesn't affect them personally, it is really none of their business.

This thread went downhill very fast and took a whole new direction. The OP originally posted about driving being a dealbreaker in dating, and while I personally can't understand the mindset of not wanting to date someone because they don't drive, it is their decision and nobody else's, in the same way as it is someone's personal decision to not drive.

They resent poverty and those who accept that they would not be safe drivers - or decided that the number of arseholes and idiots on the road already are not worth the risk.

I certainly don't want to be in a car anywhere near the most angry ones on here, for a start.

I think this has turned nasty because driving is a luxury not everyone has access to, so there is a degree of defensiveness from those who cannot drive.

Someone said driving isn’t as civilised as getting a train (???) Comments about obesity. Saying that drivers wouldn’t understand how to catch a bus.

There appear to be angry people on both sides and it has all gone completely off topic from the OP now!

To be fair, some of the defensive or angry comments has been because of some right nasty vitriol and judginess about people who choose to not drive on here. I had someone tell me upthread my children probably won't amount to anything and I've limited their lives because I 'didn't bother to learn to drive' what sort of reaction is expected with comments like that? This aswel as being branded 'lazy', and missing basic life skills, etc. I make no apologies for any defensiveness against those on this thread with a God complex because they drive. Some people should learn that you only look down on some people if you are helping them up.

Granted, there have been out of line accusations the other way around too, and I agree this thread has turned nasty. But there are angry people on both sides.

@BiscoffSundae my cat drives herself to the shop. It was a deal breaker for me to have a cat that doesn’t drive.

It was me that said your children’s opportunities would be limited. Because a non drivers opportunities are limited. And by extension their childrens. If you have to wait ages for a bus, so do they when then could be x,y,z in half the time. A day at the beach means several hours of travel and connections back and forth when they could just be reading in the car instead of helping carry changes of clothes and bags of beach towels and sand buckets only to potentially not even getting a seat on the bus.

I’ve done both and I feel it’s unfair on children to make them stand at bus stops for ages.

i absolutely did not say they wouldn’t amount to anything.

You did say my children's opportunities would be limited, but it wasn't you I was referring to, or who said they wouldn't amount to anything. It was PurpleButterflyWings.

FYI, once again (not that I have to justify myself to you), you are using your own situation (e.g. travel times to local beaches, etc) to judge myself and other non-drivers. Why the hell does it bother you so much what other people do? Does it make you feel big and superior because you drive, because your poor delicate little lambs can't be subjected to standing at bus stops.

Why don't you call the sspca on all us non-driving cretins with kids and have done with it? Ooh, the cruelty to not chauffeur our kids around everywhere, it is just unthinkable 😱🙄

I am from a non driving family. We didn't have a car to use until my mum was in her 30s.
Our holidays were UK caravan ones, and we got the coach/train to them. The journey was part of the holiday! All of us could do things together during our travels. We were entertained.
Please don't make out that people like me were somehow hard done by. We really were not.

If you have good public transport what does it matter? If he is treating you like a cab service that’s a different matter. Tbh wouldn’t bother me at all.

It doesn’t bother me. I’m said I think it’s unfair. You’re allowed to think it isn’t unfair. But I didn’t “Ooooh”, mention the SSPCA, call anyone a cretin or use any shock horror emoji’s, so lets not say that the non drivers have approached this entirely without insecurity or anger.

Going to the beach is a fairly standard activity for most childhoods, not just “my own situation” either. I don’t feel big or superior, I’m just voicing, as I did earlier, that waiting ages in the rain for a bus by the road side and then potentially not getting a seat, is a bit of a shit day in my opinion.

A day at the beach means several hours of travel and connections back and forth when they could just be reading in the car instead of helping carry changes of clothes and bags of beach towels and sand buckets only to potentially not even getting a seat on the bus.

Again - for you maybe it does. I get to the coast in 30 minutes from door to beach with no changes via public transport. It takes longer than that to drive and find somewhere to park. I don’t think we’ve ever had to stand but it wouldn’t be the end of the world if we did. Your children might be deprived of the beach without a car. My child isn’t. That’s the problem with applying your own circumstances to a whole load of other people who they don’t apply to. Your children’s opportunities would be limited without a car. Others people’s wouldn’t.

@Windbeneathmybingowings But there are angry people on both sides.

See quote above from my earlier post, I didn't say there wasn't any anger from non-drivers. I also said something along the lines of it being no wonder there is anger for some of the judgemental and quite frankly, snobbish comments made by yourself and others.

As for insecurity? Nah, no insecurity here. I am quite content with my decision to not drive, all the insecurity I've seen here is from certain drivers, telling non-drivers they MUST drive to lead fulfilling lives and not limit their kids, etc. I can only assume, as someone else suggested upthread, that there is something like an insecurity behind this blatant prejudice against people who choose not to drive.

Not once did I say you must drive.

Ok then. I’ll change it to MY children would live in a vastly smaller world with access to far fewer opportunities to visit friends, relatives, museums, activities, beach, clubs, parties, soft play, classes, theatres, in fact anything much more than Tesco’s and our local pub, if I was a non driver. I have been a non driver with a child and it was a miserable life, full of rainy hours waiting in the dark, at the mercy of late buses and rude bus drivers, several connections, child needing a wee or asking “can we just go home”, carrying bags and bags of baby gumph, and a pushchair basket full of shopping, tired legs, often over school pick up time so several buses would pass us as they were full. Not knowing when dinner would be because I had no idea when the bus might come, no impromptu visits, less time at home, less quality time. So do I feel it is unfair to do that to my children just because I didn’t fancy a drive that day and could have been home in 10. Yes that’s unfair. We could have visited the library instead or done a nice class in the time I’d have spent hanging about.

I drive now. I always get a seat and I enjoy it. If you are content with your life and are happy with that, no worries. I feel like it’s precious time wasted and I am entitled to feel that way.

Driving to the beach means that you are sat with your back to the kids, trying to concentrate on driving, while they shriek "Are we nearly there yet?" or "I need a wee!". Ever tried using the M5 on a summer Saturday? Taking the train to the beach on the other hand you can devote all of your attention to your kids, they have a table to do some colouring in on, and it's possible to take them to the toilet without the train stopping. The train also does 90-125mph rather than the 40mph crawl in traffic through Cullompton.

As it happens, I live a 15 minute walk from the beach anyway.

Going to the beach is a fairly standard activity for most childhoods, not just “my own situation” either. I don’t feel big or superior, I’m just voicing, as I did earlier, that waiting ages in the rain for a bus by the road side and then potentially not getting a seat, is a bit of a shit day in my opinion.
What sort of weirdo goes to the beach on a rainy day, whether by car or public transport?

strangely enough, I very rarely wait for ages for buses and trains because I consult timetables and go at the appropriate time.
Yes, occasionaly there are delays buy equally you can also get stuck in a traffic jam, something which drivers having a go at non drivers seem to conveniently forget.

As a non driver my opportunities are not limited, and neither are my son’s. We have travelled all over the UK without difficulty and will continue to do so.

If you live in a rural area with poor public transport then of course it makes sense to drive. I would never argue otherwise.
But surprise surprise many of us live in cities. I have every amenity we need on my doorstep. Sometimes we do get taxis - but that cost is still considerably cheaper than running a car

I suppose it depends on where you live and what your needs are too.
I'm not anti PT. Heck, it's one of my work areas.

Just a few examples. There's a shopping centre about 7km from where I live. Bus takes 40 minutes. Car 10 minutes

More shopping
5km away
Bus 30 min Car 4 min

Fav beach
Bus 1 hour Car 15 min

2nd fav
Bus and train nearly 2 hours. Car 35 min

That's a lot of wasted time.

Out of curiosity I checked how long the drive to Thorpe park would be via public transport, as my car’s satnav tells me it will be 1hr30. This is what came up. If I didn’t have a car we wouldn’t be going because that’s ridiculous. Loads of changes and it takes so much longer (and that’s if everything goes smoothly).

When I was working, going to work by bus was quite straightforward even though it was two buses. Catch bus A into town. Catch bus B from same stop I got off at. Bus B drops me virtually outside the office. Took around 40 minutes - 20 minutes per bus. But going home was a totally different matter. Bus B was a circular route. In the evening it took twice as long to get to the Bus A stop as it did in the morning. It could easily take me 1.5 hours to get home especially when city centre traffic was bad. By car, 20 minutes in the morning. 40-45 in the evening. No contest.