Is 38 too old to start trying for first baby

[Lagertha6]

I have been with my DP for 7 years and lived together for 2. We both turn 38 in Jan and have been talking about trying for a baby for about 18 months.

I keep putting it off but with my age factored in I'm beginning to panic that I will have left it too late to have a baby. It would be our first and only one.

I'm worrying as my sister, maternal aunt and cousin on my mums side all had problems conceiving. My sister had IVF which worked, my aunt had first child naturally but couldn't have a 2nd baby via IVF and my cousin also had failed IVF.

will this be a case of repeating history? We are going the states in Jan so agreed to start trying when we get back.

I do want a baby but would be fine if it took a year to have a child as I love my freedom and no responsibility.

Do I start trying in Jan or wait longer?

Do you understand the difference between 'most people' and 'everyone'?

It doesn't seem like you do.

I got married aged 37, having been together for 6 years before that.

We started trying to conceive when I was 38. Took 6 months to conceive (had just started the 1st set of tests, on dh's sperm, when I tested positive ).

Ds is now 21

The only negative is that we hadn't wanted him to be an only child but after two MMCs (one of twins, after taking Clomid), I had to acknowledge that it wasn't going to happen

Start when you’re ready. I would highly recommend getting a Mira reader asap so you can have a really good picture of your fertile days for when you do want to conceive. Trying for a couple of years, took three cycles to conceive with this. Mira fertility tracker

Yes I do.
The plural of anecdote, is not data.
Do you understand that?

Who is talking about anecdotes?

The NHS website states that there is an 82% chance of pregnancy within a year for women aged 35-39.

What part of that do you think doesn't correspond to 'the vast majority of people'?

Yes, there is a higher rate of miscarriage and genetic abnormalities in older women, but the vast majority of women in that age bracket will have a healthy child if they're actively trying.

Take daily folic acid supplements now no matter what you decide in the end - it can take 3 months to build up a good store of it and it can help a baby's earliest development if you do decide to try conceive.

In the kindest possible way, no one who has suicidal ideations should be having a baby at any age.

If you are planning on having just one child, that’s all well and good.

Not sure what point you are trying to make here.

It is harder to conceive, takes longer, has a higher risk of genetic defects and many more gestational and birth complications as you age.

Pregnancies in women over 35 are called ‘geriatric pregnancies’

This is why there is a fuss.

As someone else pointed out, the number of conceptions which translates into live births also matters.

@pixie5121 I used to think that but then ten losses later and little joy from IVF I realise I was wrong! You try being in the % of women that it doesn’t work for - go read the infertility boards and support groups for the heartbroken involuntarily childless then maybe you would be less blase.

oh and OP, I really do feel for you but I would be remiss if I failed to share this. I have had my own fairly standard mental health difficulties during my lifetime ( ADHD it turns out) and I have had quite a hard life overall compared to most… BUT I will say that nothing else has tested my mental health and resilience like recurrent miscarriage and infertility has. It has brought me right to the brink of my own sanity multiple times, especially with hormones and meds. There can be a lot of grief, anxiety and trauma involved. Even the two week wait and testing can be tough. If you know you already are vulnerable then I would give a thought as to how starting to ttc or dealing with infertility will impact you and having a plan and support mechanisms ready if you need them. I definitely would include therapy in this. Wishing you the best with whatever you decide.

If you have a great mental health team on your side, I would try now. You can do the journey with them. I fought against my own wishes to have a child- self sabotage at happiness, at a guess- and I did push through it and motherhood has been the best thing. Big hugs and be kind to yourself, OP.

@CaliforniaDrumming I am not sure I agree, recurrent miscarriage and infertility can make you very low indeed and when I was pregnant my depression totally lifted because the cause was my infertility itself.

I agree that anyone ttc needs to carefully consider their capacity for raising a healthy and happy child but it is not as straightforward as you make out. If no-one with mental health difficulties ever conceived, the human race would have died out by now!

The problem is that you can't know how long it will take you to get pregnant at any age, or even if you will be able to conceive. Just start trying (or stop) when it's right for you. As long as you are armed with knowledge about why it's more difficult as you get older then that's all you need to help you make your decision.

Have you read OP's further updates? Am not saying people should have perfect mental health but she doesnt sound well. Also, she is not infertile. She has other, serious issues.

The plural of anecdote is not data

I'm going to use this line on 75% of mumsnet threads

I hope you're okay OP

@CaliforniaDrumming I have indeed read it all. I just don’t think it is your place to tell her she shouldn’t ttc. Yes, she may be vulnerable but you don’t know how much and why, you aren't in her shoes. OP is clearly self-aware enough and is considering her situation and decision carefully, she and her partner with the support of her family and mental health practitioners are the ones who get to decide what is best for them. Many people have children with far less consideration than OP!

My reference to infertility pertained to your blanket statement regarding poor mental health meaning you shouldn’t have children - just one example of where your statement is incorrect.

Ok. I disagree. Raising children is tough even without suicidal thoughts.

I agree.

Yes, she may be vulnerable but you don’t know how much and why, you aren't in her shoes

A person who by their own admission can’t imagine life without their mother and has said that they would take their own life when their mother eventually does die, is clearly very I’ll.

Stop being so ridiculous!

There’s clearly nothing wrong with people with MH difficulties having a child and raising a family; like some one has said many people do at times suffers right this. But OPs issues are a clear example of profound mental unwellness. Coupled with previous Suicide attempts, how can you even begin to suggest that all this taken together isn’t a very big deal.

OP, I hope you get the help you need before thinking about bringing another life into the world 💐

Last post to Phrenologistsfinger

I had my son at 38. Really easy pregnancy. Do it now though. Tried again at 40 and have had multiple miscarriages.

I agree re the terrorising of women either the inaccurate 35 "cliff".

90% of women 39 and under will be pregnant within 2 yrs of actively trying. Not sure if that includes live births tho.

However I also think that it is decreasing steadily from towards 5% chance per cycle by 40, and lower after 40, so you may as well give yourself the best chance per cycle; why delay by half a year if you know you would like to ttc (esp if you'd ideally like more than 1 child) when half a year possibly does matter if your late 30s.

On the mh subject, i also do worry a bit about the op.

Having a child is wonderful in one way, but also can be extremely demanding & stressful.

Op would need to have a lot of contingency, help, and fall backs in place.

*terrorising of women around the inaccurate 35 "cliff".

Thank you.

I thought I was in an ok place last year to talk with my DP about having a baby. It isn't a decision I wanted to take lightly plus I'd been redundant from my job, covid, etc so I wasn't in a hurry.

We started talking again a few months ago as age was creeping up on us then my mum had a blip few weeks ago so it's started all those feelings and I'm in denial.

Before I met my DP and during our relationship I have battled suicidal feelings. When I was really low I thought my way out was after my Mum. My mum hasn't got long although no definite timescale as she still is here 4 years later after being told less than 24 hours left.

The thought of living without my mum is unimaginable an I don't want to so honestly I don't know how I feel over having a baby. Ideal world my mum would be fine and I would have a baby.

I'm battling 2 different parts of myself. The normal one who wants a baby with Partner then the side who has depression and doesn't think adding a baby into the situation right now is a good idea, but then my age is a factor.

I'm really confused. I wanted the answer that I had more time to get better.

Thanks very much. I will look into when I decide what to do xxxx

Massive hugs OP.
I really feel for you and I hope you are able to access some good talking therapies to help you get to grips with all of this, I really do.

I honestly think that it sounds like having a baby is a long way off for you in terms aid mental readiness.

Please be kind to yourself

💐