Is 38 too old to start trying for first baby

[Lagertha6]

I have been with my DP for 7 years and lived together for 2. We both turn 38 in Jan and have been talking about trying for a baby for about 18 months.

I keep putting it off but with my age factored in I'm beginning to panic that I will have left it too late to have a baby. It would be our first and only one.

I'm worrying as my sister, maternal aunt and cousin on my mums side all had problems conceiving. My sister had IVF which worked, my aunt had first child naturally but couldn't have a 2nd baby via IVF and my cousin also had failed IVF.

will this be a case of repeating history? We are going the states in Jan so agreed to start trying when we get back.

I do want a baby but would be fine if it took a year to have a child as I love my freedom and no responsibility.

Do I start trying in Jan or wait longer?

It depends on the GP and the location etc - some GPS say you need to be trying for 2 years before they'll send you for testing etc.

I think there is more at important issues affecting your decision than your age.... based on your updates. I would maybe see if you could contact a mental health midwife for a chat before making any decisions, or someone like your GP who may be aware of your history. It's likely that you will need the extra support even just for your anxieties.

From a biological point of view obviously starting asap is best. I'm confused as to why you can't be pregnant when you go to new York..? Even if you got pregnant tomorrow you wouldn't have a baby by January so no loss of freedom there.

The only thing fertility tests can tell you is what your FSH and AMH levels are and approximately what your antral follicle count is.

Essentially it will tell you whether you already have diminished ovarian reserve or not. If the answer is yes, you decide whether to move straight to IVF without passing go and without collecting £200, and even then it may not work.

Alternatively it might indicate that you have a good ovarian reserve but you might still have unexplained infertility, or the situation could change drastically in the space of a year (especially between 38 and 39, as opposed to 28 and 29).

I think it's only really useful as a diagnostic tool to try and find out why you can't conceive. It's not capable of telling you how much time you've got left. It worries me when women do it to help them decide whether they can afford to put off TTC for a few more years.

A lot of the private companies offering fertility testing prey on women's fears and will happily take their money to do these tests even if they're still on contraception which can affect the results, or do an antral follicle count on a random day rather than at the correct point in the woman's cycle.

There's also no testing which can tell you whether you'll have miscarriages or not. Even the tests you do when you're already having recurrent miscarriages usually don't produce an answer.

It really is the luck of the draw

It is absolutely not this at all.

Luck has nothing to do with this and delayed trying and difficult conception due to age is what this will come down to. Nothing unlucky about it.

All GPs should be working to NICE guidelines on this, so anyone who needs a referral, make yourself aware of this.

it would be grossly unfair in NHS England for example if somebody was referred after six months and someone had to wait two years.

No idea what the rules are in NHS Wales or Scotland, but they aren’t necessarily going to be the same.

GPs won’t refer you for tests until you’ve been unsuccessful for a year.

I thought it was 1 year for under 35, 6 months for over.

You seem to be conflicted which is entirely normal. If I were you I'd get cracking and see how you feel - these feelings will eventually reveal themselves. If you aren't pregnant by the next Jan then you have bigger fish to fry. Will you be disappointed or will you see it as a welcome relief. You could try - see where you are in Jan knowing either your pregnant or if not then jump on the IVF route asap. 38 in and off itself is not too old for a first baby but that's with all things going well which in your case there is doubt about. Get yourselves a bottle of wine and go for it!

Ivf with donor eggs is expensive.

It is also very potentially mentally & hormonally stressful.

Better to not waste months of natural fertility than to wait and depend on that.

Not to mention the dangers for the women who donate their eggs - including increased of cancer. I wouldn't want that on my conscience.

I thought I may have issues getting pregnant as my two aunts had no children, although they desperately wanted them, one of whom I looked identical to, so I convinced myself that would mean I would have the same problems she had. We started trying when we got married in my mid twenties, I fell pregnant in the first month. It transpired that I was/we were extremely fertile and we ended up having 4 children in 4 years. However, I had my last menstrual period a month after turning 38. I had the tests and it was confirmed I had gone through an early menopause. My mother was in her 50s before she reached menopause. (I had another aunt who was 28 when she went through menopause, fortunately she had one child before that.)

Basically what I’m trying to say is you can’t accurately predict how things will go by family history, our personal fertility is complicated and then there’s your partner’s fertility to consider. If you’re very sure you want a baby I wouldn’t wait any longer.

Good luck and, whatever you decide, I hope things work out how you would like.

100% this.

Fertility MOTs are up there with reassurance scans as medically inappropriate tools that are financially exploiting women IMO.

There are so many comments on here from people who don’t understand infertility and are being extremely flippant about it. At 38 you are statistically going to find having a baby more challenging, fertility has already started to decline: yes some people have managed but you need to start ASAP and of course supplements etc help, and going to get checks re fertility after a short time of trying eg 6 months would be preferable as the timeframe is increasingly vanishing. Being realistic about that is important. The comment about “relaxing and lots of sex” is as offensive as it ignorant to people who have suffered from infertility.

all of that said, I would not be having a child if I suffered from suicidal thoughts.

What a ridiculous post! ‘I’m afraid I may have left it too late but wonder if I should start trying for a baby 6 months from now’
FFS! 😤

Thanks so much.

My mental health is a Hugh reason for me atm and so is my mum. I always had a deal with myself when my mum goes I would follow. So seeing my Mum really sick combined with the thought of a child who I wouldn't be able to leave is hard, as I don't think I can live without my mum.

I do know I need to speak to the Doctor about this but I'm just being honest with myself now.

Isn't it a choice, though? I know an American woman who is donating hers to pay off her student loans. I wouldn't do it (even if I could get paid as much as she is) because I wouldn't want the risk.

Thanks my Mum said the exact same thing to me. Apparently her aunt had first baby at 46 on Xmas day and didn't even know she was pregnant. Menopause. Bella thought the pain on Xmas day as upset stomach from too much food. Baby was fine but was an only child.

I have alot of confusion atm as my posts you can probably tell. It's another reason I wanted to wait bit longer as I want to be 100% certain or thereabouts.

The sister of my cousin who couldn't have any children/didn't have any had 5 babies so genetics aren't always an issue. Our aunt had 4, my mum had 4.

Sorry if my posts offended you. I have major confusion right now. I do want a baby but for various reasons I'm not 100% ready now.

If I were younger I'd wait another year or so in order for my issues to be resolved as much as possible. But my age isn't allowing this.

Also naff off if my post offends you. Can do without negativity thanks v much.

But statistically, a 38-year-old is still extremely likely to conceive within a year, no? It's not 'some people have managed', it's most people will be successful. You'd actually need to be quite unlucky for it already to be too late at 38.

Absolutely. I get a lot of people telling me to consider having one when I tell them my age and that I'm still unsure about kids and....why? What exactly would I do with the information? If I found out my fertility had really decreased and I needed to try ASAP, would that be a good thing? Or would it be me panicking because I felt it was my last chance and I might regret not trying? If I found out everything looked great, would that be a good thing? Or would it be false reassurance? I could decide to relax and leave it a couple of years and have everything go downhill in that time. They really are pretty pointless when used outside of the context they're intended for - to investigate difficulties in getting pregnant when someone is already trying.

OP you are in no position to be even considering having a child if these are your thought processes.

You say you are suicidal and only your mum keeps you alive, then you say you will follow your mum when she goes.

You have no savings at all (not a massive issue, but a big consideration for sure) you are focussed on making good memories with your DP who you’ve been with for seven years already.

Nothing about your posts suggests you are ready to be responsible for a baby.

I’m sorry, that’s harsh but it’s true.

I think you need professional help, and as soon as possible
as your suicide ideations are a red flag for sure and an HV or even a SW would be very concerned by this.

Please seek some professional help and for goodness sake, so not bring a helpless infant into the mix.

no

@pixie5121

But statistically, a 38-year-old is still extremely likely to conceive within a year, no? It's not 'some people have managed', it's most people will be successful. You'd actually need to be quite unlucky for it already to be too late at 38

if I wanted a baby I would not care about “most people” I would care about me. Fertility is one of those things where you don’t know if you’re most people or not until you start trying. I have 30 year old friends who can’t get pregnant. It’s so simple for some people and so complicated for others and it’s such an important thing to do IF you want to do it that I would not be complacent. There’s a huge difference between no baby and 1 baby if you want to be a mother. Plenty of people are unlucky.

@Quincythequince

*I think you need professional help, and as soon as possible
as your suicide ideations are a red flag for sure and an HV or even a SW would be very concerned by this.

Please seek some professional help and for goodness sake, so not bring a helpless infant into the mix*

i do agree with this. OP the latest comment implying you would end your life if your mother died is very worrying in the scheme of things. I hope you’re ok.

But saying "some people have managed it" is misleading. Statistically, the vast majority of people manage it at that age. I agree that if someone is definite about it, they should get going asap, because why not? I don't think someone who is on the fence should start trying if they're not ready, when statistically speaking, they are more likely than not to be fine a year from now.

I actually feel like the fertility dropping stuff is overstated. I had an absolutely horrid time from 29-33ish fretting about needing to find a partner asap because I only had until 35 to have a kid. It actually ended up sabotaging relationships and leading to poor choices. If at 30, I'd realised I actually had the entire decade, and that statistically speaking I'd have been fine meeting someone at 35-36 and having a first kid at 37-38, I think I'd have made far better choices than I did and enjoyed life a lot more. This stuff goes both ways.

I actually feel like the fertility dropping stuff is overstated

By whome and for what reason.
The data is clear, it takes a lot to get to conceive as you age. And not everybody will. You can look at the British fertility website and see the data for yourself.