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Original poster

Is 38 too old to start trying for first baby

154 replies

Lagertha6 · 10/06/2022 20:09

I have been with my DP for 7 years and lived together for 2. We both turn 38 in Jan and have been talking about trying for a baby for about 18 months.

I keep putting it off but with my age factored in I'm beginning to panic that I will have left it too late to have a baby. It would be our first and only one.

I'm worrying as my sister, maternal aunt and cousin on my mums side all had problems conceiving. My sister had IVF which worked, my aunt had first child naturally but couldn't have a 2nd baby via IVF and my cousin also had failed IVF.

will this be a case of repeating history? We are going the states in Jan so agreed to start trying when we get back.

I do want a baby but would be fine if it took a year to have a child as I love my freedom and no responsibility.

Do I start trying in Jan or wait longer?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lagertha6 · 10/06/2022 23:24

ILiveInSalemsLot · 10/06/2022 23:15

You can still go to America after you've had kids. It'll be different but you'll still be able to travel. Don't think of having children as an end to freedom. In a way, they can open up a whole new world for you.
I've travelled more since I've had kids than before I had them.

Thanks so much for your words xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
Lagertha6 · 10/06/2022 23:26

hellohello1223 · 10/06/2022 22:48

I’m 34, nearly 35 and am 6 months in and no luck. You just never know. I wish I’d started earlier.

I really hope it happens for you xxx

OP posts:
MountainClimber22 · 10/06/2022 23:28

If you want a baby you are leaving it late. The longer you wait the less chance it is going to happen.

Original poster
Lagertha6 · 10/06/2022 23:31

racquel86 · 10/06/2022 22:00

I had my first at 35 so a bit younger than you but I must say you are absolutely doing the right thing ensuring your mental health is stable. I suffered for many years and finally found my peace at around 34. Yet I'd wanted children from a young age, luckily hadn't found the right man and wasn't stupid either 🤣, but I really feel I had my baby at the right age - I was mentally ready and I tell you what...... I feel younger at 36 than I did at 26 🙌🏻

Show quote history

Thanks so much. It's so weird but I do too. I feel more myself and I know myself better. I spent my 20s having breakdowns, depression, suicide attempts.

I'm stable now and I'm frightened I won't remain stable if I bring a baby in. Lack of sleep, stress, hormones. I don't want to lose myself.

But I do want a baby. I'm just really scared.

OP posts:
HousePlantLandlord · 10/06/2022 23:41

YANBU to do what you really want but if you want a baby… get cracking.

I’m 37 and we’ve been trying for longer than expected. You never know until you start.

good luck :)

Nat6999 · 10/06/2022 23:45

No, I was 6 weeks off being 38 when ds was born, I didn't meet exh until I was 35.

TempsPerdu · 10/06/2022 23:47

What everyone else has said - go for it but don’t delay things any longer!

You sound a lot like DP and I, OP - been together since I was 22 but waited until I was 36 to even consider having kids. I never had a strong biological urge to do so, and have never been a ‘baby person’ (love older kids though - ex primary teacher), so it became more of a rational ‘pros and cons’ decision, and we procrastinated about it for ages because we wanted ‘one last child-free holiday’ etc.

DD arrived when I was 37. Took 8 months to conceive, and one early miscarriage. She is brilliant and we don’t regret her for one moment, but we’re happy with just the one - might have considered a second if we’d started a couple of years earlier, and in hindsight we possibly should have, but at nearly 42 I feel too old and tired to do it all again. Plus I feel we lucked out first time round with a happy, healthy child and don’t want to risk rolling the dice again as even older parents (DP is several years older than me).

It really is the luck of the draw - it’s the norm among my circle to have DC in late 30s/early 40s, but while most people have been fine, I do know several who decided too late that they did want kids after all, and are now unhappily childless. Make the most of your time now is my advice!

Yourinmyspot · 10/06/2022 23:54

If I was you I would start trying now. I had our Daughter four months before I turned 40. I had six miscarriages before I had her and wish we had started trying earlier for children (I was 34 when I had my first miscarriage). You just never know if you will have any issues.

HappypusSadpus · 10/06/2022 23:57

Start now OP.

IVF working is the exception, not the norm. It has a very low success rate overall and even lower after 35.

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 11/06/2022 00:22

If you want a baby, you start now. The fact that you are considering delaying makes me think you dont really want one.
I was in this situation and there were age-related issues.

Triptop · 11/06/2022 00:39

Start trying now. I understand your anxiety but there is no time to lose now if you want a baby. Do not put it off for a holiday.

If you start
Right now at 37, your chances of achieving one child are 75%. Your chances of getting 2 children are only 50%.

If you left it until 41 to start you'd only have a 50/50 chance of achieving one child.

I'd be starting TTC tonight.

Original poster
Lagertha6 · 11/06/2022 01:13

Triptop · 11/06/2022 00:42

Thanks so much for that. I really appreciate it x

OP posts:
Original poster
Lagertha6 · 11/06/2022 01:15

TempsPerdu · 10/06/2022 23:47

What everyone else has said - go for it but don’t delay things any longer!

You sound a lot like DP and I, OP - been together since I was 22 but waited until I was 36 to even consider having kids. I never had a strong biological urge to do so, and have never been a ‘baby person’ (love older kids though - ex primary teacher), so it became more of a rational ‘pros and cons’ decision, and we procrastinated about it for ages because we wanted ‘one last child-free holiday’ etc.

DD arrived when I was 37. Took 8 months to conceive, and one early miscarriage. She is brilliant and we don’t regret her for one moment, but we’re happy with just the one - might have considered a second if we’d started a couple of years earlier, and in hindsight we possibly should have, but at nearly 42 I feel too old and tired to do it all again. Plus I feel we lucked out first time round with a happy, healthy child and don’t want to risk rolling the dice again as even older parents (DP is several years older than me).

It really is the luck of the draw - it’s the norm among my circle to have DC in late 30s/early 40s, but while most people have been fine, I do know several who decided too late that they did want kids after all, and are now unhappily childless. Make the most of your time now is my advice!

Thank you. That's all we have, time now xxx

OP posts:
ChampagneLassie · 11/06/2022 01:16

@Lagertha6 I struggled with my mental health and had some fertility issues and I think I was slightly in denial about how much I wanted a baby becuase of not knowing if it would happen. BUT having a baby age 39 has been the best thing that ever happened to me - I've never felt so happy and stable and fulfilled. She is the reason to get up every morning. It is hard of course but if you want children then it is small price to pay. I wouldn't risk waiting, you've nothing to lose by just trying naturally in a fun way. I would recommend a ovulation kit so you know the right days but apart from tgat don't stress and enjoy it. Re mental health midwife and HV support around this seems pretty hot. And the main thing is you are aware of your issues so if you do suffer PND you'll ask for help. Good luck xx

Original poster
Lagertha6 · 11/06/2022 01:18

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 11/06/2022 00:22

If you want a baby, you start now. The fact that you are considering delaying makes me think you dont really want one.
I was in this situation and there were age-related issues.

It's just so hard when your body is getting older an there are so many other factors that are not compatible at this moment with having a baby. By Dec we will have paid off some house stuff an have more money.

I don't have any savings either.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lagertha6 · 11/06/2022 01:20

Nat6999 · 10/06/2022 23:45

No, I was 6 weeks off being 38 when ds was born, I didn't meet exh until I was 35.

Hard isn't it meeting your DP later. I feel like we missed out on stuff together as over 30 it was pretty much full on from year 1. Glad you met your DP XXX

OP posts:
Shmithecat2 · 11/06/2022 01:23

I met dh at 33. Started TTC (very relaxed though) when I was 38, pregnant at 39, ds was born when I was 40. Great pregnancy, straightforward birth, ds is great.

rbmilliner · 11/06/2022 01:25

Do it now!!!
I had my DD when I was 42 after not being able to commit to it emotionally - enjoyed work, good holidays and I was never desperate to have kids etc. But my god one of my biggest regrets is not doing it sooner so I could have fitted in more (3 at least :))))) I love being a Mum.
I fell pregnant easily (although I did sadly have a miscarriage) and had a text book pregnancy.

Douzy · 11/06/2022 03:01

I was 37 when I had DC1, and had several more after that. Good luck with whatever you choose, OP.

Dexy007 · 11/06/2022 03:36

There is a lot of panic on this thread. You can always use donor eggs if you need to, and it’s really not that expensive. You might need to go for plan b but there are tonnes of options.

Iwonder08 · 11/06/2022 03:39

You have good logical arguments to delay until end of the year, however there is one thing you can do meanwhile is to get your health check. It is entirely possible you might require some light treatments, at least you will have a full picture and know where you are.

itssquidstella · 11/06/2022 03:53

I wouldn't wait, OP. DH and I started trying a few months after we got married, when I was 34. I had three miscarriages in the space of 14 months and just had DS this May, a month after turning 37. I had a c section so need to wait a year before trying again, but if we want a sibling for DS then I feel like we'll need to crack on as soon as possible.

Anycrispsleft · 11/06/2022 06:16

I wouldn't discount the fertility appointments - not to prepare for IVF but to let you know if there is anything specific that is going to make it difficult. Look into recurrent miscarriage testing as well.
It's one thing choosing between kids and no kids, but miscarriage/fertility issues followed by childrearing, or followed by having to give up on having children, are a lot harder to live with, so if I were you (and if I could go back, for me too) I would get the tests first. Then if they find a problem, you decide with your eyes open whether you are willing to try anyway, rather than having to make the decision to quit after disappointment, miscarriage and so on.

HappypusSadpus · 11/06/2022 07:13

Dexy007 · 11/06/2022 03:36

There is a lot of panic on this thread. You can always use donor eggs if you need to, and it’s really not that expensive. You might need to go for plan b but there are tonnes of options.

Christ... to suggest donor eggs so flippantly. Bloody hell, is this what it's come to?

Donor eggs dont magically become 'yours' or transform. It's just an earlier form of adoption and comes with even more moral and ethical dilemmas.