To expect people to be able to control their children on planes?

[Ace56]

I recently returned from a long haul trip with connecting flights, so was on 5 planes altogether.

On 4 of these flights I was around children who’s parents just seemed to pussyfoot around them and seemed unable to control them.

Flight 1 - mum and 2 kids in the row in front of me. Dad across the aisle, plonks himself down on his laptop for the entire flight. Little boy (around 2-3) EXTREMELY loud, continuous shrieking, disrupting his sister. They had brought nothing for him to do - no iPad/colouring/books, so no wonder he was bored. Just shrieked constantly to get mum’s attention. Dad did absolutely nothing to help, didn’t offer to take him. Neither took him for a walk down the aisle or anything - he literally was in his seat the entire flight, absolutely bored shitless and disturbing everyone around him.

Flight 2 - girl of about 3 sitting behind me, next to mum. Dad across the aisle. Was fine during the flight but kept switching between mum and dad, and taking it in turns to sit on their lap watching her iPad. When it came to landing, she still wanted to switch every few mins. Air hostess politely told them a few times that she needs to be seated now for landing. Parents meekly tried to make her sit still with one of them but eventually gave up, so for the actual landing she ended up in the aisle (very dangerous) with mum holding onto her T-shirt. Air hostesses were seated at this point so couldn’t do anything/didn’t notice.

Flight 3 - boy of about 5 in front of me, standing up in his seat, leaning back into the seat, generally jumping around. Mum apologised but made no real attempt to stop him.

Flight 4 - large extended family sitting in various places around the plane. Children allowed to shout at each other across rows and over people’s heads, not told to stop once.

AIBU to despair at parenting these days if this is the norm? Have other people come across situations like this or was I just very unlucky?!

This!

She’s probably going to love it. Unlimited screen time lol. I’m going to go through the thread later and make a shopping list. Dh and I have already agreed to walk her around the airport terminal for 2 hours before the flight. It would be amazing if they had soft play at airports. My kid is a maniac at soft play, totally wears her out.

1. I answered further down about why our choice of holiday destination so feel free to scroll back and read my reply to another poster.

2. we are not going to "Oz" (I wish)

The Canary Islands from Edinburgh. It's just under 5 hrs.

Amen to all of this! I couldn’t have put it better myself.

@DifficultBloodyWoman

🤣🤣 might shove the baby in a carrier bag, least I won't inconvenience other passengers that way eh! 🤣

There are also just miserable bastards who will be annoyed by a child chatting or laughing. Reasonable child behaviour/not naughty etc but just not silence.

I wouldn't be able to control my dc who has various disabilities. Wouldn't stop me taking him on a plane though

YANBU

Sounds like a bloody nightmare. Although on my last flight, it was 100% the parents being insufferable. They had a very well behaved 2/3 year old who was happily and quietly watching an iPad, but kept taking off his headphones and exclaiming SO loudly "Come on Theo - let's go and see the plane!!!" Dragging him up and down whilst the crew were trying to come through with trollies. Baffling. They just would not shut up - incredibly loud baby voices "Theo look at Mummy walking up the plane!" Gosh I was furious. He wasn't at all interested, just wanted to watch the iPad. I think they were trying to get attention.

A child laughing at normal volume or talking at an appropriate level to the people they are with - delightful.

A child shrieking loudly or shouting or talking at the top of their voice - unacceptable, and up to parents to control. It’s not for everyone else to have to put up with.

YANBU. We have flown with both kids since they were 15 months old and when they were really small, my entire hand luggage was snacks, games, entertainment for the kids. It is not unreasonable to expect the parents to be prepared

@lickenchugget

*A child laughing at normal volume or talking at an appropriate level to the people they are with - delightful.

A child shrieking loudly or shouting or talking at the top of their voice - unacceptable, and up to parents to control. It’s not for everyone else to have to put up with*

Obviously I mean the former! Although one issue is everyone has their own views about which is which. Some parents think that the latter is the former (it’s not) and some miserable bastards think the former is the latter. Therein lies the issue.

I think, also, that children's behaviour while travelling is just a part of their general behaviour, and how that comes (mostly) out of consistent parenting which models consideration for others, and high (but not unreasonable) expectations of children when outside the home and in public.

I assume that the parents of the children described in @Ace56 's first post rarely have high expectations of their children wherever they are.

It's so sad, as low parental expectations can have such a negative effect on the way other people will regard their children - it handicaps children not to know that consideration for others (which is all that good "manners" are), at an age-appropriate level, helps them in life, and makes others more likely to look on them benignly rather than "Oh my god, a noisy child. "

If there's consistent modelling of reasonable behaviour, and expectation (age-appropriate) then those are the foundations for young children's behaviour when flying (or other forms of public transport).

YANBU. When our two were little, we iPadded them up to the hilt with headphones for any flights. We even got complimented on our parenting by an older gent (we just laughed, thanked him and joked that Steve Jobs was our babysitter). They are 9 and 12 now and we still plug them in for flights - anything so they are quiet and not bugging other people is good!

My husband also used to speak to our 'neighbours' front and back before take off and say that we were going to do our best to keep our children under control but if they were in any way inconveniencing them, to let us know. No one ever did (or needed to), but they all appreciated the gesture.

Conversely, I was on a flight back from Dubai in Feb and there was a sweet girl of about 3-4 years across the aisle from me. She was keeping herself amused with iPad whilst her mum watched movies, glass of wine in hand and blanket on.

The mother pretty much ignored her the whole flight, despite this little girl saying things like "Mummy...mummy....MUMMY! I love you!" and "Mummy...mummy....MUMMY! When are we taking off?!".

I felt really sorry for the girl when later, she was asking to go to the toilet for literally AGES. Her mum was too busy watching the film, and just kept pointing saying "They are down there".

This poor little girl didn't want to go on her own. She was tiny! She kept asking her mum sweetly, then insistently, in the end almost crying to be taken.

I nearly said, "Do you want me to take her so you can watch your film?" but in the end, the little girl realised her mummy wasn't going to move and she took herself off, presumably before she wet herself.

In other news, there was constant kicking and chair swapping from kids on another flight behind us (parents did nothing) but then I completely empathised with a toddler's parents when she really did NOT want to be strapped in for take off and the poor mum was trying everything. The child was screaming top-of-the-lungs-hard, and mother was trying SO hard to calm her child, I felt really helpless for both.

It's the parents that do nothing, not the kids themselves.

Having said that, sign me up for the child-free flights (when I'm not with mine!) - I would SO pay extra for those!

Most parents do try to keep children entertained on flights but it is really hard for them to be perfect throughout a flight. You just have to deal with these things in life we are all different though with children unlike adults it is harder for them to control their emotions. We were all like it once.

I don't think any of these kids were doing anything that horrendous tbh. Travelling with kids is shit and shouting at them to "stop it" all the way home is prob just as annoying for everyone around you. You're also only getting a snapshot of what their parenting is like... I mean, I might think you're a judgemental, negative, holier-than-thou snob from reading your post. But I'm sure you're a really nice person.

🤣🤣

Something just popped up on my Pinterest board and I thought of this thread:

‘There is a big difference between letting kids be kids and letting kids be assholes’.

@GoodThinkingMax - I 100% agree with you regarding expectations. As a teacher, I have found that my students will consistently live up to my expectations to live down to them. I am now known as a tough, demanding teacher with awesome students! 😎

My dd was 14 months the first time I flew with her and honestly that flight was not as bad as I feared. I took her for walks up and down the aisle when it was empty and that helped get the wriggles out a bit and its that age when toddlers are generally adorable to most people so other passengers smiled and chatted at her which kept her very happy. Fingers crossed you're sat near grandmother types, they are the best for this.

Oh and lots of snacks but make most of them savoury. And wrap them up in wrapping paper so she gets the excitement of opening and it takes up more time.

YANBU. Just got back from holiday. The flight home was a dream, so quiet and the plane was half empty with mostly adults/older children. The flight out had a lot of younger kids/babies and one kid spent ages singing ‘Let it Go’ with Mum looking on adoringly and kind of looking at the rest of the passengers as though we should think she was amazing aka the next Adele. She wasn’t.

I think a bit of understanding and consideration of others is needed and perhaps some parents don't teach this enough to kids letting them roam and disrupt wherever they go. At the same time some empathy is needed for those people who are in situations where their young child will not settle on a flight, in a restaurant or other places. We have all been there it's grim, it's embarrassing and no one wants to be in this situation.

This is why I’m quitting teaching 🙈

You can't win with kids - one family accused of not doing enough to calm a child and keep him/her occupied (child sat screaming, not brought anything to calm him down, dad on laptop), others accused of doing too much to try to keep their child calm (passing between parents to stop child kicking off). There is a huge range of personalities among kids (I'm a supply teacher, I see thousands) and not all kids are easy angels like perhaps yours are. People are not given much support in how to manage children's behaviour and everyone has to do what feels right for them. I also think we are not hearing the full story here - we never do when someone wants to complain. What I would like to know is, did those posting do anything to help? Perhaps offered the couple with nothing to engage the child a book or some paper and colouring pens to distract and support? Or ask the people with with the loud Peppa Pig if their child would like to turn it down or borrow headphones? It's very passive aggressive to just post a rant...

My kids are a pain. There's only so much we can do. We come armed with tablets pre-loaded with all their favourite cartoons, loads of snacks, colouring, games etc and they still kick off. The 3 year old is possibly SEN/ on the autism spectrum and just cannot be told what to do or to sit still. He's a runner. We use a CARES harness with him which helps loads. I suggest all parents of toddlers get one! The one flight we forgot it he was crawling under the seats and I couldn't get to him. Pissed loads of people off but I was trying my best!

I think people should be able to control their children everywhere (barring those who have children with learning difficulties and other issues). Restaurants, pubs, shops, shows, cinema...basically whenever in public with them. It's called parenting, isn't it?

If they don't, the duty of care is passed to waiters, cinema ushers, shop staff, bus conductors, train guards (who ever sees those any more?)etc. They already have plenty to do, thanks. Because they often can't or won't tell loud or badly-behaved children where to get off, the onus falls on fellow passenger, cinema-goers or diners - making what should be a treat (and often an expensive one) into an ordeal.

What's gone wrong? Are people expecting to take children where realistically children shouldn't go? Are parents lazier now? Are families more entitled - just expecting the rest of us to put up with it because 'children will be children'? I don't know. Surely the common-sense rule would be 'we can only go there/do that if you behave (and define expectations - eg, sit in your seat, don't shout, learn some patience)? Children won't learn how to behave considerately to others unless boundaries are made clear. You might adore your children whatever they do, but if you want others to like them, you have to compromise on the 'let them do as they like' strategy, i would think.