To hate it when people say “my husband/partner/boyfriend doesn’t do the night feeds because he works”

[ForestFae]

Every time I see or hear this phrase, I rage. Usually said by some poor sleep deprived new mum who’s looking after the baby/ies all day long. Why is looking after a baby not considered valuable work? Why are men getting away with using this rubbish excuse?

Watercolour, landscapes mostly but I’m experimenting with animals recently. I stopped painting after I had my dc and have only gone back to it in the last 18 months, so atm I tend to take commissions around my family commitments.

Her hubbys deluluded. Brestfeeding dosn’t always work out.

And if a parent on maternity leave is tired, does it really matter?

If their mental health depends on being well rested, then yes, it matters enormously. If they become mentally unwell enough to require medication (or worse, hospitalisation) the whole family will suffer, as the working parent may need to take time off to look after the child and the home.

If helping out with the odd night feed might make your dh lose his job he must be completely incompetent.

You might accept this sort of lazy partnership but it’s not wrong for others to expect more.

I think the parent at home should do the night feeding. Much easier to be tired at home when you can largely chose what and when you do something than going to work.

Brestfeeding dosn’t always work out. So be prepared for that. Oh and what about when you go back to work? What will his demands be then?

We have, thank you, she has settled in very well

I wish MN had run a tutorial on how to use nesting quotes before they introduced them.
I think there's a record breaker a few posts above.

It's rare that new parents experience actual sleep deprivation. Extreme tiredness yes, not deprivation.

This is confusing.

Sleep deprivation refers to the physical and psychological condition that results from a person has having had adequate sleep. Part of this is a feeling of extreme tiredness, along with other symptoms.

In other words, sleep deprivation causes extreme tiredness.

*inadequate sleep that should be, obviously

@ForestFae
You have said when people raise different circumstances that they are not typical. I think that illustrates the point that there is no such thing as typical circumstances. Each family and situation is different so people do what works for them. Off the top of my head I can think of a dozen jobs that it would not be safe to be excessively tired in so it's hardly an unusual circumstance to be working one of those jobs.

Really what about the days the DH is off work should the SAHM still do 100% of the child rearing, while the other half gets to do nothing, no night feeds and and have a lie in on two mornings per week.

I'm not going to get drawn into this debate, but I think the OP's point is not that you as an individual managed to do all the same things as if you weren't working, nobody can say otherwise, but that the things she wants to do, prioritises for example, she believes can't be done as well as she would like, if she were working. If she prioritises not having a fixed schedule then that wouldn't be possible if she had other commitments.

As opposed to taking care of a tiny, fully dependent actual human which is clearly a piece of piss in comparison to those spreadsheets.

I’m sorry if I seem flippant, but personally I would prefer the ‘non-worker’ taking care of my precious children is well rested.

@lightunderthesea

I didn't want to get drawn into the derail either but I also took from her comments what you did. As an aside I'm a working mum of 2 - I work 32 hours a week - and I took no offence whatsoever in what OP was saying I understood the point she was making. Not that working parents are in any way "lesser", but that we have less physical time to spend with our DC. That's just factual and basic maths - we do have fewer hours to spend with our DC if we work. I'm not offended by that, it's my reality. I'm comfortable in my reasons for being an almost FT working mum and I accept that SAHPs do so for their own very good reasons. It's not personally a lifestyle for me, but each to their own.

I'm so jealous of all these parents looking after their babies at home that get to nap and watch TV 😩 literally what I imagined my maternity leave to be like but my LO seems to demand my constant full attention

I do majority of night wake ups as breastfeeding but if LO wakes after a short time again my husband does go to pat him back to sleep - so glad he does sometimes so I can get a few hours uninterrupted!

you seriously can’t comprehend other people having different experiences to you??

In the years since I had my first DC and really felt the burn of this issue, I've come to realize it's all pretty irrelevant in the long run. The struggle is continual. If it's not sleep deprivation, it's worry and stress over their health, or education, or finances, or social media, or the friends they keep.... Often, this battle pales into insignificance. Give it up.

And no, if you're working you are not actively parenting your baby/toddler/under-9yo child, whether you're working at home or elsewhere 🙄. Such a pointless thing to say that people who have children don't stop having had them while they're at work - of course they don't. But if they're outsourcing the running around/ talking/ caring/ feeding/ tending/ disciplining/ helping/ whatever to someone else (because they're at work), then no they're not actively parenting. Are SAHM's parenting their children when the children are at school? No, if there's any doubt.

The issue comes with the verb "to parent". Such a stupid word. What does it even mean?? If it means feeding/ bathing/ dressing/ burping/ telling off/ cuddling and soothing - is a childminder "parenting"?

That’s why it goes both ways!! Not all new borns scream all day and mum is exhausted, certainly wasn’t my experience.
the people saying being at home all day with a baby is exhausting is fine though yeh? Some of us didn’t find it hard or are we not allowed to disagree?

As opposed to taking care of a tiny, fully dependent actual human which is clearly a piece of piss in comparison to those spreadsheets

I did find looking after a newborn pretty easy compared with work. And I didn't even have complicated spreadsheets!

Nah, it's not fair and doesn't make sense.

Why can't you accept that what is fair and 'makes sense' depends on people's individual situation?

@alphons

Sensible post.

Thank you, that’s what I was trying to say. Not that anyone is lesser, it’s just a different split of time.

@ForestFae

Why can't I say you do the same thing?

Why are you bothered by wp thinking they do what you do? Are you insecure in your role?

I didnt actually say we did the same.

I said my role is harder. Because it is. I do 2 hard jobs. You do 1.

That is also a fact.

I fed DC myself so it was pointless for DH to do night feeds. If I’d tried ff, I’d probably still do night feeds.

If we’d a bad night, I could’ve a lazy day. I’d catch up on sleep at weekends or sleep early.

I enjoyed being a sahp. It was far more relaxing than being a FT-working mum. Im glad I had those sahp days.

You spend less time at one “job” than I do. It’s not the same thing.