To hate it when people say “my husband/partner/boyfriend doesn’t do the night feeds because he works”

[ForestFae]

Every time I see or hear this phrase, I rage. Usually said by some poor sleep deprived new mum who’s looking after the baby/ies all day long. Why is looking after a baby not considered valuable work? Why are men getting away with using this rubbish excuse?

Fairislefandango

As opposed to taking care of a tiny, fully dependent actual human which is clearly a piece of piss in comparison to those spreadsheets

I did find looking after a newborn pretty easy compared with work. And I didn't even have complicated spreadsheets!

I agree. While nobody can say taking care of a baby (sorry but "tiny, fully dependent actual human" would take ages to say every time) isn't important, it isn't actually difficult. It's time-consuming and tiring but, yes, compared with my job, it was a piece of piss and a lot more enjoyable.

My husband didn't do night feeds during the week. There's a reason you get maternity leave and he operates heavy machinery so this could have been me

But he did last feed so I could go to bed earlier or if wake up was after about 5.30 he'd do it so it was only half hour off his sleep.

Yabu. Caring for your child is of course valuable but it's not work. It's the choice you made when you chose to become a parent and of course the partner who isn't going to actual work during the day shouldnt be doing night feeds when they have a job to go to in the morning.

Yanbu. I have ebf 3 DC. DH always pulled his weight. I could not have coped with a husband who didn't. He has always ensured I got a decent amount of sleep by helping to settle the baby from a certain point in the night (so I literally just wake and feed and go back to sleep), or facilitating lie-ins and naps when he's home from work and at weekends. Usually a mix of both. He always says 'the most important job is caring for the baby' and fully appreciates that the fact I've delivered a child doesn't magically make me exempt from needing sleep. It doesn't matter if you're on mat leave or PT - every single human requires a certain amount of sleep and not getting that leads to poor health. Saying "well I go to work" as you continue to get an uninterrupted 8 hours every night and ignoring the needs of a sleep deprived partner is the epitome of selfishness imo.

While nobody can say taking care of a baby (sorry but "tiny, fully dependent actual human" would take ages to say every time) isn't important, it isn't actually difficult.

If you have a baby who cries constantly and can't be soothed, or you're struggling with poor mental health and you second guess every decision you make, or you have absolutely no support around you (except your partner who's away doing a 13 hour shift), or you are struggling to get the baby to breastfeed properly and need help with latching them, or you develop mastitis as a result of breastfeeding and become unwell.... well, let's just say it can get a teeny a bit difficult.

Yes, completely agree.

Strangely I managed night feedings and FT work 3 times, it was especially so with my second child as I had to return to work when she was 3 months old. I managed not to kill anybody.
DH would do it occasionally, he also didn't kill anybody.

You spend less time at one “job” than I do. It’s not the same thing.
You spend no time at another "job".
Swings and roundabouts.

He always says 'the most important job is caring for the baby' and fully appreciates that the fact I've delivered a child doesn't magically make me exempt from needing sleep. It doesn't matter if you're on mat leave or PT - every single human requires a certain amount of sleep and not getting that leads to poor health. Saying "well I go to work" as you continue to get an uninterrupted 8 hours every night and ignoring the needs of a sleep deprived partner is the epitome of selfishness imo.

👏🏻👏🏻

I completely agree it’s swings and roundabouts. That was my whole point.

I have always done night wakings. I want back to work (PT) when my DC were 6 months and 8 months old and I still did them them (and DC2 didn't sleep through the night until she was 6). My DH is a terrible sleeper and can't get back to sleep after waking so would be awake for the rest of the night. I can deal with baby and go straight back to sleep. He always got up with them on the morning and looked after them until I went to work and at weekends got up with them for longer so I could have a nap. It just worked better for us that way. We do the same job and I can say that my days at home were definitely more chilled and relaxed than working days even with small DC so I used to catch up on a bit of rest on my non-working days.

My DH was getting on a motorbike and commuting to the city at 6 every morning, there's no way I'd have expected him to do night feeds. I BF anyway but why should he get up at night when I was staying at home with the babies during the day. It's different if both parents are working.

@ForestFae

So?

When my kids were wee I worked shifts. I worked nights and then looked after them during the day

(Not every shift bit often enough)

So yeah, it is possible to do exactly what a sahm does and work

But that's not the point.

It doesn't matter if I spend less time doing one or the other, I still do 2 jobs to your one

Doing both is still harder than only doing 1

I had all of those except poor mental health which, obviously, would make any job harder.
My first baby did cry constantly; my husband was a junior doctor so shifts would involve him being away for 36 hours in the week or Friday morning to Monday night at the weekend; I had no geographically close family and got awful mastitis.
I was still just glad that I wasn't doing what DH was (which I could have been) and - regardless of her being very difficult indeed - loved being with her.

So when did you sleep? Because there’s no way you spent as much time as a SAHP. It’s just mathematically impossible, there’s only 24 hours in one day. I don’t know why you’re arguing this lmao.

Sorry - posted too soon.
Wanted to add that I don't think I was being some sort of wonder-mother, just that the actual day to day work of looking after a baby may be tiring, mucky and boring but it's not generally difficult. And looking after your own baby is - on the whole - a nicer way to spend the day than doing a lot of jobs can be.

It’s also worth noting sleep deprivation affects people differently. In my case for example, one night of broken sleep is barely tolerable, two or more in a row and I can’t cope - I get severe migraines, joint pain and incredibly emotional about minor things. I also can’t wake up easily nor go back to sleep easily. I a, sure I am not the only mother who experiences this.

I said it, and I'd say it again. And I was, and am, about as far from the poor put upon woman you could get. I merely felt it was sensible for me, who could sleep in the day, to allow him, who couldn't, to sleep at night on work days. His job involved driving distances and it was much safer for me to be sleepy in my own house than for him on a motorway.
With DC2 several years later our circumstances had changed and he did all the night feeds. Firstly so I could get my rest and recover, then later so I would be on form for my job, which was very demanding at the time, and which as a family we needed me to keep.

YANBU OP. If it was purely down to who’s at home in the day, why don’t more of these dads step up and help on a weekend night? I bet most don’t still. I’ve got a 7m old who wakes twice a night, DH makes a bottle for him and then I do the feed and settle. If he’s awake for ages (like if it get to an hour and he’s not sleeping) then DH would take over for a bit and we swap, even though he has work. I also have a 2 year old at home all day and have the school run to do for the eldest. I can’t function on just a few hours sleep a night.

As for the comments about SAHMs/Working moms, I’ve done both. I went back to work after DC1 and DC2 whilst they went to nursery and I’m now a SAHM after DC3. And it’s a stupid argument. Both have their own challenges and benefits.
As a SAHM I can do quick tidy ups/washing/prep dinner in the day, which helps with housework and making evenings run a bit smoother. BUT aI get hardly any time childfree and all of my time doing housework is spent juggling 2 kids which is difficult. Plus, I try to take the DC out and do activities at home to replicate nursery and give them the same sort of early socialisation that DC1 had being at nursery all day.
As a working mom I had time to myself in the day (eg my lunch break, even a commute was a break!) and baby-free adult conversation. BUT everything was always so rushed and felt hectic and I felt I missed out on valuable time with DC1.
The perfect balance is part-time really, I felt I had it right when I was working 3 days a week. But it does impact on career prospects.

@Topgub

I see your point re having 2 jobs and OP only having one, but I also see her side here.

The point is that there are only the same hours in a day for us all. So while you spend x hours at your paid job and then come home to spend y hours looking after your kids (12 hours in total for arguments sake), OP spends x+y hours looking after kids. Therefore, you are both "working" the same number of hours in total per day, ie 12. But you are splitting those hours between two jobs, whilst OP is doing the same hours in just the one job.

Unless you also didn't sleep when you got home and did housework through the night, for example, as a working parent you can't possibly do the same amount of "work" at home as a SAHM does. But - you each do equal work in total, you just divide the time differently.

Unless I've hugely misunderstood? (Which js possible - I have a virus and I'm not quite with it 😩)

I had a breakdown postnatally due to sleep deprivation, so no, you're not alone.

I did all the night wakings in the week and my DH did the weekends. He does do driving as part of his job though so it was important he got sleep.
I remember being on the point of exhaustion in the first six weeks as DS lost weight and we had to wake and feed him every 3 hours. He always took ages to feed and resettle.
So I suppose it depends on your DHs job.

This is exactly what I was trying to say, thank you!

@ForestFae

Oh that's good, not quite as delirious as I thought I was with my viral infection then 🤣

We split them, one night on, one night off. Luckily DD mostly slept through from about 3 months (11-5 ish, if you can call that sleeping through, with the occasional dummy needing replaced). I did actually manage a sleep most days too (a couple of hours after lunch on the sofa with DD in the pram in the hallway!).