To hate it when people say “my husband/partner/boyfriend doesn’t do the night feeds because he works”

[ForestFae]

Every time I see or hear this phrase, I rage. Usually said by some poor sleep deprived new mum who’s looking after the baby/ies all day long. Why is looking after a baby not considered valuable work? Why are men getting away with using this rubbish excuse?

Rage away. Some families can’t always work the way you think they should. DH was a nurse and did 15-16 hour days depending on traffic and business of the department. No way would I expect him to do night feeds if he was in work. If he isn’t on the ball the someone could have died end of. Some people can and should help but to rage about it is ridiculous.

I’ve also done both and I definitely am able to to do more with my DC as a SAHP.

Because sleep deprivation affects mothers too. My DH and I split it, always. That way both of us got some semblance of sleep.

@ForestFae

How are we supposed to discuss the thread you started if we cant discuss circumstances

Youre determined you do more parenting than me despite knowing nothing about mine.

It doesn't matterbif a sahp is doing a few more hours parenting, the wp is still doing 2 jobs and the sahm only 1

That doesn’t mean other working parents have the same struggles or lack of parenting time that you had.

You physically have less time with your kids if you are a working parent. That’s just a factual statement. I don’t understand why you’re arguing with me on this.

im not saying it’s a bad thing. I’m just stating something that’s factual

It’s not the same “job” though, that’s my whole point. You spend your days differently to how I do. And that okay, but don’t say we do the same thing.

@ForestFae what friend or family member prompted this thread?

I did night wake ups during the week because I was on maternity leave and he was not. We took it in turns giving each other a lie in and doing night feeds on the weekend.

It was my suggestion, it worked for us as a couple, not really anybody else’s business.

I think it odd that fathers of ebf baby’s are expected to get up in the night - what are they supposed to do exactly? Hold mum’s hand? Ridiculous.

I hate this too

I’ve done both ft and sahm and found it easier or harder depending on various things but this isn’t true imo

Really? My cousin who works at home and doesn’t use childcare has less time with her children?

I had less time with my son than the stay at home parents at school? I had less time with my son than the stay at home parents who were using nannies?

I’m not arguing, I just think it’s odd that you think every working parent is out of the house for x hours, or that every stay at home parent is ‘in’ the house for x hours.

The thing is, this isn’t even about whether being a SAHM is easier or harder than a working mother. It’s about whether working outside the home should give you a pass on night feeds - I don’t think it should, unless your job is something like a surgeon or nuclear scientist as someone mentioned earlier.

Unless she does her work at night, presumably yes, otherwise how does she get her work done? Clearly I wasn’t talking about people using nannies.

Shes an artist, do you think work at home parents put their children in a seperate room or stick earplugs in?

I think it depends on the overall team work of the partnership and how many other children you have.

I only have 1 dd but when she was little I did the last feed and the middle of the night (if she woke) and dp did the early morning feed. I think I actually ended up with more sleep than dp but broken sleep.
At the weekend we had one lie in each, but if dd was having a particularly bad night (which was a rarity) then we would both share the bad night.

Dd slept well and dp was home for 2.30 pm so I was able to have an afternoon nap. I need my sleep!

I’m also an artist incidentally, I consider it a side thing rather than a career as I only do it when I wish to and I’m not the main earner, I wouldn’t be able to paint while my kids were running about though - I do mine when they’re in bed.

this is off topic though, how many people are artists? That work from home? This is not a typical situation.

Not read the whole thread but disagree with opening post. Broken sleep is part of why we get maternity leave (which in my case was a year). I did all night feeds, except DH always covered one of the weekend nights so I had a full night and lie-in.

In the week DH had to get up and in at a set time, and deliver in his role. It's hard with a young baby 24/7 but there isn't the same pressure of a job, which won't care if the employee is knackered. It would be in none of our interests if DH underperformed and got sacked.

When I returned to work we split it as we both had work to answer to. Although tbh the kids mainly slept through by a year old.

If it’s something you can both do then yes I think it should be shared unless it’s a danger to the person working

What annoys me is threads about "people" not doing what the OP deems is right when they have no earthly idea why other parents have made decisions on their best idea of what makes it work for their family.

Yes. I should have added in my OP that unless it’s a danger, because I do agree there are certain jobs where it wouldn’t be suitable.

It's rare that new parents experience actual sleep deprivation. Extreme tiredness yes, not deprivation.

And if a parent on maternity leave is tired, does it really matter? Have a lazy day! If your working and tired, it will effect your performance.

Lots of artists work from home, its very common. What sort of pieces do you make? She is a potter and fine drawer, she used to design with Rory Dobner.

Of course it matters when it’s day in day out for days on end. It’s bloody miserable, it contributes to PND, it affects the ability to care for your child. I found it knackering and my DH did half the night feeds, I dread to think what it’s like for those who do them all.

Obviously there are exceptions depending on shifts, working hours and so on but in general I agree that night feeds should be shared between both parents. Looking after a baby can be such an exhausting experience that both parents should share being tired.

Also, when I was pregnant I felt like I barely slept many nights and I still got up at 5:40am every week day and worked full time with a long commute. If I could do that, then my DH could certainly share night feeds and do his WFT full time hours after the baby came.