To hate it when people say “my husband/partner/boyfriend doesn’t do the night feeds because he works”

[ForestFae]

Every time I see or hear this phrase, I rage. Usually said by some poor sleep deprived new mum who’s looking after the baby/ies all day long. Why is looking after a baby not considered valuable work? Why are men getting away with using this rubbish excuse?

@ForestFae

It might be different for your oh.

But its not different for me. Or my oh.

I parent as much as a sahm with school age kids does

Why didn't you want to work part time?

My cousin is a single parent to two, she works from home, she doesn’t need to use childcare due to the nature of her job. How is she not doing what a stay at home parent is doing?

As a single parent I didn’t use wrap around care, how was I not doing everything a stay at home parent to a primary age child was doing?

Because I raise my kids in a very specific way, and I think I am better suited to parenting full time than part time. Why are you questioning me about my preferences? I don’t have to justify myself to you. I humoured your first few questions but this is getting oddly invasive at this point.

That’s a very specific scenario that isn’t what most people mean by “working parents”.

We aren’t talking about primary age children though. We’re talking about night wakings in babies and toddlers.

Were you planning on not living with your children and choosing not to spend any time with them on your working days?

No but I wouldn’t have been able to do what I wanted with them.

You didn’t actually say that, you said stay at home parents, you didn’t specify the age of children when you said working parents don’t have the time to so everything a stay at home parent might do.

Six work at home parents in my rather small adoption group with children under school age, so can’t be that unusual.

@ForestFae

Sleep deprivation can have a huge impact on mental well-being for many new mothers. It's just not spoken about often sadly as PND is still quite stigmatised and many mothers feel ashamed. Theres also a general sense that losing sleep is just what you do as a new parent, so you just have to get on with it (usually this perception is aimed at mothers). But what we don't tend to so readily acknowledge is that sleep deprivation is never going to be good for anyone's mental health, least of all a new mother. Many of the symptoms of extreme sleep deprivation actually mirror those of psychotic illness. Hence why the lines can become blurred and postpartum psychosis can result. It's scary.

Just to add that thankfully, postpartum psychosis is a rare illness. But it doesn't mean we should dismiss how sleep deprivation can and does at times exacerbate postnatal mental illness.

So it what way would it have made you a part time parent?

I don’t get what dh could do though with night feeds

Do you mean just bottle fed op?

I get if you mean waking and not feeding and needing settling then they can do it too

re naps I did and I loved that feeling of falling asleep in the day, so I didn’t feel they were impossible

I’ve worked and been a stay at home parent. I don’t understand what it is I supposedly didn’t do as a mother when I was at work? I did EVERYTHING that I do now, I just had to squeeze it in around work (and uni, and caring for a relative).

Because I wouldn’t have been able to care for them and spend time with them during the day and that’s not what I wanted.

You haven’t explained why that would make you a part time parent.

If you EBF then yeah you’re right, I’m on about bottle feeds

Because someone else would be caring for them during the time I am working. What about that don’t you understand?

That’s also not what this thread is about.

I did the night feeds because my partner drove for a living so needed to be rested for safety reasons . He took over on weekends .

So you’re not a parent when your children aren’t physically with you? All parents are fulltime parents, you don’t just get to clock off like you do with a job.

And you think that makes you a part time parent? How fucking rude.

It doesn't matter what other families choose to do but for you to have a bee in your bonnet over other peoples choices there's clearly something wrong. I've been parenting for many years and the best advice is don't compare everyone's different.

The only difference between a SAHP and a parent who works full time is one spends more time drinking cups of coffee in front of the TV.

If you're on maternity leave and your husband is earning the money then bloody well let him sleep. I'd only expect the night feeds to be shared if you're both working, or he's on annual leave.

I didn’t even use the term “part time parent” originally. I simply said a SAHP can do more in a week childcare wise than a working parent. I said they’re both different types of parenting, neither is objectively bad. I don’t understand why that has annoyed you. Or why it’s “wrong”.

How fucking offensive and untrue.

I’ve done both, I didn’t do more as a stay a home parent compared to when I’ve been a working parents

On the other side...I don't understand why mothers would make their husband/partner/whatever do the night feeds when they're home the next day and partner is at work.

Why?
The odd occasion because you've tried everything and baby won't settle, of course but on a regular basis?

Once mum is back at work then yes, split it if no longer bfing but it doesn't make sense to make your partner suffer just because you are.

Although, co-sleeping would solve all these problems because then no one (regularly) loses sleep!