To hate it when people say “my husband/partner/boyfriend doesn’t do the night feeds because he works”

[ForestFae]

Every time I see or hear this phrase, I rage. Usually said by some poor sleep deprived new mum who’s looking after the baby/ies all day long. Why is looking after a baby not considered valuable work? Why are men getting away with using this rubbish excuse?

I do them for several reasons. I BF so I'd have to get up. First 2/3 nights back from hospital we all shared a room but I found "D" Ps sleeping presence really irritating, whilst I was awake feeding. Asked him to do change and he was so sleepy I did worry whether he was safe. Decided we'd move into seperate room. He has undisturbed sleep meaning he is on better form during day to care for us. No point both being sleep deprived. I had hoped he'd be able to do some nights at some point but I couldn't express and avoid bottle as my baby has CMPA.

You have time to waste painting pictures.

Parents who work don't.

You said my last post was offensive and untrue.

Name one thing you do that a working parent doesn't.

Agree with this but in my house it's another reason that I do the night waking. After years of insomnia I am used to functioning on limited sleep and can manage pretty well but my partner is badly effected by lack of sleep so another reason he doesn't do night wakings. He is however an early bird so gets up with baby in the morning while I have a couple of solid hours

Name one thing you do that a working parent doesn't.

Spend more hours with her DC?

How is spending time on a hobby a waste? Parents are allowed to have lives too.

it’s not so much what I do, but how often I do it and for how long. As a SAHM, and one who home educates, almost every day we go on trips - museums, farms, castles, hiking, gardening. We spend hours outside every day. We have fresh home cooked meals almost every day - every morning I bake a loaf, fresh with the kids. We do art activities most afternoons, we have a reading den where we spend time reading books and enacting stories. Yeah you can do that at a weekend, but there’s a difference between doing it once per week or your entire daily life being this way. Oh and I don’t drink coffee, and I

@ForestFae and @anxiousmumagain

I didnt sleep.

As I say, I didnt do it all the time but fairly often.

I had the kids during the day, went to work at night and then had them the next day until dh came home from work and I went to bed

So folk moaning about their working oh not doing night feeds is a bit funny really.

And as I've said a few times it doesn't matter if the sahm is doing a few more hours actual parenting the mental load of being a parent is not removed because you work

It might be for dad's of kids with a sahm but it isn't for families where both parents work

Thats why I'm arguing its possible because it is.

Its what I do

It’s physically impossible for a human being not to sleep. The mental load of parenting is not the same as putting the hours in. We only have 24 hours in a day. If you spend a certain amount of them working, that’s a different amount of hours to what you’re spending with your kids. That’s it really. It’s just maths. You can’t make more hours.

I honestly think each to their own
I was happy to do the night feeds when I was on mat leave because I was breast feeding. What's the point of both of us being up and knackered next day. He was doing traffic management and working on the motorways up and down the country. I'm not saying he was above doing night feeds but I'd rather he was alert when driving and working on the motorways
The following day if I was tired I would rest. I'd put my feet up when any had naps.

Dh would come home and take over baby duties, make the tea, whatever needed doing. Totally hands on
I'm not going to lie, I liked the night feeds. Everything was peaceful and calm.

It's weird because babies don't all miraculously sleep all night by the time the mum returns to work so many people manage to go to work after a broken night.
So.what happens then?

By the time I went back to work he was more office based so he did more feeds (we changed to mixed feeds) I would do residentials
for 2 nights at a time from when Dh was 8 months old. We just got on with it as we are a team.

@alphons

Why does that matter?

Is there a minimum amount required?

DH never did a night feed. I breastfed and he's a surgeon, I'm sure people wanted him awake at work!

As long as he was home he generally took them from 8-11 so I could have some sleep, have a bath, or anything else. He would come get me when they woke for a feed and I did the rest of the night.

He did get up if they were unwell, but I couldn't see any benefits to him being tired when he couldn't do the feeds anyway.

@Topgub

You didn't sleep?

I too am a FT working parent as is my partner. I know all about the mental load remaining when you're at work...... I know it only too well at the moment, having to take yet more time off work with my poorly DC and still manage all the home tasks.

But, my post was simply to say that I could see both arguments and the argument of "I do more than you do" doesn't seem to stand up when you consider the same number of hours per day and that you can only physically be in one place at once. Mentally you are always split, I agree with you on that. It's a constant mental juggle between home and work. But in a practical sense, in terms of hours spent working, unless you don't sleep (which you've now clarified that you didn't), you can't possibly work more hours than a SAHM because you have the same number of hours allotted to your day; you're just dividing it (physically) between 2 places and OP is spending it all (physically) in one place.

Having clarified that you didn't sleep, I can now see how you did more than a SAHM. You also do more than me as a FT working mum if you don't sleep, because I do sleep and therefore I don't allot time overnight to tasks either at home or work.

I wonder if you're meaning that it's more intense and so feels like harder work, due to the constant mental juggle and always feeling torn between work and home as a working parent ? Because that I agree with you can be totally overwhelming and can make it feel as though you are literally in two places at once (even though you obviously aren't!) ... if that makes any sense?

@ForestFae

Lots of shifts workers do it.

I'm not sure why you're so adamant it doesn't happen

Why is it so important to you to be seen as putting the hours in?

What difference does those hours make?

If I worked 34 hours a week doing 12.5 hour shifts and 2 of them were nights. Thats only 12.5 hours less 'putting the hours in'

What possible difference do you think that can make?

Office jobs are not a good enough reason.

Depends. A lot of office jobs in a highly competitive commercial environment are both stressful and demanding. Falling asleep at your desk or making mistakes will get you fired.

It doesn’t matter at all, at least not to me.

I was answering a (really stupid) question Snoozer11 asked.

When my DH was on paternity we shared the night feeds but when he was back working I took over completely and I'll explain some of the reasons why. For instance my daughter was up every 3 hours for a feed the other night and then she eventually got up at 5 am. When she had a nap at 7.30 am I had a quick nap too, whereas my DH was leaving for work at that time so had that been him he wouldn't have had that opportunity.

I think the important thing is that everything is 50/50. My DH works 60 hours a week but he has one day at home (and the weekends) so on those mornings he takes her so I can have a long lie in. He does some household duties too. The main thing is that no-one is more tired than the other!

Initially I wouldn't have trusted him with the night feeds, he's a really deep sleeper whereas I'm the opposite. I was quite happy for him to be in the spare room with the dog! I think each family have to work out what works best for all parties!

🤣

What? It matters to me to spend every day with my kids. If you choose to do it another way, that’s fine, good for you. Just don’t claim we spend the same hours on something when we don’t.

"Office job" makes me laugh. 🤣Define "office job"?

I work in healthcare and my job involves making often complex decisions that could affect their own and others' safety and well-being.

I also sit in an office typing reports and emails sometimes. 🤷‍♀️

Do I have an "office job" or do I work in healthcare?

(Rhetorical pondering... doesn't need to be answered necessarily 🤣)

Wow, this clearly demonstrates a divide between those who could sleep during the day and those who couldn't. My baby would only sleep in the effing buggy, and even then only for about 30 minutes. She also woke up every 1-2 hours every night to breastfeed. After that first year, my memory was impaired to the level of having a learning disability (I do memory testing for my job so I know). I think a certain amount of sharing night feeds is reasonable if they do take a bottle.

I was thinking this. I can’t sleep in the day very well and struggle massively on broken sleep, even with DH doing the nights I struggled with sleep deprivation - I’d have been fucked if I’d have had to do it all alone. Mine were bad sleepers though - as you say, it shows who’s kids were day nappers/good sleepers and who’s weren’t.

And another thing, if I'm really exhausted from a night of no sleep I put the baby in the pram and we go for a long walk, stop at a cafe get a giant coffee, walk into town and go round the shops then go have lunch somewhere, visit a friend. This was literally what I did last week after a night's zero sleep.I just kept moving and filling our day with as much as possible.

My DH is stuck in front of a computer all day. He doesn't have the same freedoms as I do at home with the baby. So there is definitely a difference.

Falling asleep at your desk or making mistakes will get you fired.

Absolutely. In my case, there's the risk of typing something into a patient record incorrectly, which could potentially get me fired depending on what it relates to (if not harshly disciplined).

Falling asleep with your child could result in serious harm to them too.

Yabu because it’s nothing to do with YOU how other families decide to split night feeds or any other parenting.