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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to pick up FIL father's day card?

126 replies

JulyDreams · 10/06/2022 11:31

Am I nasty if I buy my own father a Father’s Day card at the shop today but don’t pick one up for father in law? Is that not my DP’s responsibility? My own dad has a very different relationship with me and DP.

Couple of background problems with me and DP’s family anyway (I have posted previously about MIL not really wanting a relationship with me but only happy that she still gets to see DP and doesn’t have to worry about me). Post was called MIL strange question.

I have also bought presents and cards for his side of the family so he doesn’t have to worry. There is a very good chance they wouldn’t know I hadn’t gone to the effort and just thanked DP when they saw him without me there.

I don’t want to come across as spiteful at all here just wanted a couple of opinions. Should I leave it?

OP posts:
Bywayofanupdate · 10/06/2022 11:32

I would pick up a card for my FIL whether I liked him or not, to save time more than anything.

Spohn · 10/06/2022 11:34

it’s the (adult) child’s choice to get a card and gifts for their parent.

Does your boyfriend get your relatives cards?

Bonheurdupasse · 10/06/2022 11:36

Only if your DP bought a card for your father.

Assuming that's not the case, definitely not!

Spohn · 10/06/2022 11:37

You seem to do a lot of analysing over these people who really don’t seem that in to you, why not just enjoy dating your bloke and he can worry about his interactions with his parents. Nothing to do with you.

Original poster
JulyDreams · 10/06/2022 11:37

Spohn · 10/06/2022 11:34

it’s the (adult) child’s choice to get a card and gifts for their parent.

Does your boyfriend get your relatives cards?

No he doesn't pick up anything at all for my relatives. It's always me that does the remembering to be honest. Been instances where he has forgotten his own mother's birthday ..

OP posts:
twoshedsjackson · 10/06/2022 11:37

If he's got used to you doing it, (for good or ill) it might be kind to "remind" him nicely that Fathers' Day is coming up, being clear that he needs to get a card for his father.
Resist all hints that it's just as easy to pick up two cards as one; "Oh he's your Dad, you've known him all your life......"
Especially as you suspect he's been taking credit by default!

Original poster
JulyDreams · 10/06/2022 11:38

Thanks @Bonheurdupasse the card would be from DP to his own dad- not my name in it. I will buy a card for my own dad

OP posts:
Original poster
JulyDreams · 10/06/2022 11:39

Spohn · 10/06/2022 11:37

You seem to do a lot of analysing over these people who really don’t seem that in to you, why not just enjoy dating your bloke and he can worry about his interactions with his parents. Nothing to do with you.

We are having our first child in a couple of months so not really dating anymore 😂 but I see your point. I am taking a step back hence why to be honest I'm not really buying the cards for his side of the family anymore

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 10/06/2022 11:39

Buy for your dad and he can get a card for his; you’re not his secretary

Original poster
JulyDreams · 10/06/2022 11:39

twoshedsjackson · 10/06/2022 11:37

If he's got used to you doing it, (for good or ill) it might be kind to "remind" him nicely that Fathers' Day is coming up, being clear that he needs to get a card for his father.
Resist all hints that it's just as easy to pick up two cards as one; "Oh he's your Dad, you've known him all your life......"
Especially as you suspect he's been taking credit by default!

I will remind him softly 😊 he's always had he prompting him

OP posts:
Original poster
JulyDreams · 10/06/2022 11:40

Shoxfordian · 10/06/2022 11:39

Buy for your dad and he can get a card for his; you’re not his secretary

Love this thanks 😂

OP posts:
Hoolahulahoop · 10/06/2022 11:40

Just buy one for your own dad but I would say if you usually buy one for his to give dh notice as it wouldn't be fair to suddenly change the goal posts.

thelastshadowpuppet · 10/06/2022 11:45

I'd just get it, job done.

You're doing it for you're partner not his father.

Rinatinabina · 10/06/2022 11:45

I like my in-laws they are nice people. I still don’t do my husbands jobs for him. I flat refuse to sort out gifts and cards that should be coming from him as a son and he has never ever asked me to because he’s not a baby. Just stop doing it, remind him once because he’s used to you sorting it and stop doing it. I absolutely guarantee you he’s never spent time worrying about what your mum is getting for mothers day.

Barbequedays · 10/06/2022 11:50

I did pick up my fil's Father's Day card at te same time when I got my dads and dh's.

It's not my job but it would have been petty not to. Dh isn't one for spending time choosing the right card.

Dh doesn't expect me to and is capable of sorting it out himself, I think if you're expected to then it can cause resentment.

Lizzieismagic · 10/06/2022 11:50

Stop trying to fake he is a nice man to his family.

If they get no cards or gifts they can blame him.

Ifailed · 10/06/2022 11:52

No he doesn't pick up anything at all for my relatives. It's always me that does the remembering to be honest.

Ah, he's one of those men is he - the ones who assume all this sort of family admin is down to the women to arrange? Just tell him straight, from now on he's responsible for dealing with his relatives.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 10/06/2022 11:52

I cut out buying /remembering dhs families stuff when DD was born, there are dozens of them. I did however do mothers day/fathers day as it was just easier.
Awkward conversation after ddad died and dh could not fathom why I hadn't bothered to get his dad a gift!

FlibbertyGiblets · 10/06/2022 11:55

Lizzieismagic · 10/06/2022 11:50

Stop trying to fake he is a nice man to his family.

If they get no cards or gifts they can blame him.

Yes you are presenting him as a Nice Man to his family.

Tell him that from today it is up to him to sort his family's stuff out, you will have your hands full of baby very soon.

If he chooses to not bother with them, that's on him.

If they say anything to you, or complain about lack of gifts etc, direct them to him, he is answerable not you.

WallaceinAnderland · 10/06/2022 11:56

DH has always bought his own cards and presents for his side of the family, including Christmas and birthdays and I don't remind him. He is an adult quite capable of doing this himself.

He does not need to remind me either of my family and friends' birthdays, we can both do this. Maybe you are not in an adult relationship?

Eggs2022 · 10/06/2022 12:01

If you’re standing in front of a card stand, getting a Father’s Day card for your dad, and you know one has to be gotten for your FIL, I can’t see how on earth you wouldn’t just pick one up and save your DP having to go back into a shop and get one… just so inefficient! If I was him I’d be pissed off

Stompythedinosaur · 10/06/2022 12:02

I would, because you aren't doing it for fil, your are doing a favour for your dp.

Bonheurdupasse · 10/06/2022 12:04

@Eggs2022

Completely disagree, just another way to impose the mental load on women..!

I wonder why that same sentiment is never the other way around????

PoseyFlump · 10/06/2022 12:08

I agree your DP should get his own. But you know what's going to happen... he'll get a shit card then your MIL will say 'I bet JulyDreams chose that' 😂

frazzledasarock · 10/06/2022 12:09

No I wouldn’t.

they’re not my parents.

I remind DH it’s Father’s Day/his mums/dads birthday/Mother’s Day etc. and that’s it.

if we’re at the shops together I’ll ask him if he wants to get a card for his family. I do not choose or buy on his behalf.

however DH’s family always thank me when they get gifts/cards. Presumably this speaks volumes of how much he remembered them before marrying me. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I love my IL’s they’re lovely people and wouldn’t be holding me responsible if DH forgot their birthdays. The one person I always do send gifts for is SMIL, because she’s an absolute sweetheart, goes out of her way to remember my DC and DH always always forgets her birthday.

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