Not to pick up FIL father's day card?

[JulyDreams]

Am I nasty if I buy my own father a Father’s Day card at the shop today but don’t pick one up for father in law? Is that not my DP’s responsibility? My own dad has a very different relationship with me and DP.

Couple of background problems with me and DP’s family anyway (I have posted previously about MIL not really wanting a relationship with me but only happy that she still gets to see DP and doesn’t have to worry about me). Post was called MIL strange question.

I have also bought presents and cards for his side of the family so he doesn’t have to worry. There is a very good chance they wouldn’t know I hadn’t gone to the effort and just thanked DP when they saw him without me there.

I don’t want to come across as spiteful at all here just wanted a couple of opinions. Should I leave it?

I find it interesting watching DH not remember his family celebrations.
I suggested we take MIL to a posh restaurant, DH agreed. I did nothing further and when DH came to book a week before Mother’s Day, the place was completely booked out (as I suspected it would be).

watching him frantically searching for a suitable alternative was interesting too.

If it was his fathers birthday then I’d expect him to get a card himself- but if you’re already in the shop buying a card then I don’t see how it’s anymore mental load than already having to remember to get your own dad one!

if my DH was in a shop, got me and his mother a Mother’s Day card, thought to himself ‘eggs will need one for her mother too but I’m not getting one when I’m here’ and walked out, I’d be very annoyed

I like my in laws too. I have nothing at all to do with getting them a present and card for Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, why would I? I don’t have time to take on all dhs load for him as well as mine and the family load, and I can’t think of a good reason why I should.

YANBU - sodding Wifework!!

After I split with XH he forgot his own mother's birthday. Apparently that was all my fault, even though we weren't even together any more - it was STILL my job

Even without any of the backstory and if you got on with him perfectly you still don't have to get him a card. DH can do that. He is an adult.

Buy a card for your own dad. And drop into the conversation with partner that it's Father's Day on 19th and then up to him what he does for his dad

Been married 10 years and never bought FIL's FD card - my dad died a long time ago so it doesn't even register for me. I do go to the shops a lot more than DH though so I'm prob more aware of him than when it actually is, I will remind him next week he needs to get one, but only once and then if he forgets / doesn't bother than that's on him.

If he asked me to pick one up for him when I'm going to the shops anyway then I would same as if he asked me to get him anything else, but I don't make it my 'job' to do. For this reason, the cards to his side of the family are somewhat more sporadic and late than mine, but he doesn't seem to be bothered by it, so I'm not either.

My ex's parents I had a really close relationship with and I always made sure I did it as ex was useless, and I really cared whether they felt remembered and appreciated or not. But I did it because I wanted to, not because ex expected me to.

If you do it, he will rely on you for all eternity to do it.

If my husband asked me would I mind getting one then of course I would but I leave all of his family’s card and gifts to him (no reminders). When you have a child you will have enough things to arrange and remember without taking responsibility for your DHs chores.

If I were in a shop buying cards anyway, I probably would, yes. I'm planning to do a craft with DD tomorrow (i.e. let her splash paint everywhere while I regret my lovely arty idea which was clearly not as toddler-proof as I thought, based on previous experience) and I'll just do three cards, one for DH and one for each granddad. In the same way, I'd pick up three cards if I were buying them from a shop.

Absolutely not.

I genuinely do not understand why women do this.

I have not heard of men turning around and asking when they are dating, for their girlfriends, to start buying for their family.

So most of these women must be instigating it.

I just don't get why.

It strikes me as so needy.

You don't like his family, they are not keen on you.

Back away and drop the rope.

But don't mention it.

If he does, just brush it off.

So much of this womens work could be really avoided by simply never starting it.

My friends daughter is married a year and was told that their lovely house was perfect for Christmas lunch as they have added a very large kitchen/diner/living area at the back.

Her in laws have traded down and her MIL thought she could "gift" the job to her new DIL who has up to her marriage had Christmas with her own family.

This came through her new husband who was enthusiastic but said he'd talk to his new wife.

She really wasn't keen as although his family are fine, she is not close with them.

She asked my friend, her mother, what she thought.

She said don't st

It would never occur to me to do this. What’s the point of a Father’s Day or Mother’s Day card chosen by someone who’s not the child in the relationship? It literally only has any meaning at all if the child puts in the effort.

if I was already there buying one yes if you don't just tit for tat pettiness . But wouldn't make a special trip just to buy one for him.

I think this is a bit different though. If I was getting my DC to do cards for grandparents, then yes, treat both the same.

But choosing a personal card for someone else’s dad is weird.

It all depends on context/ back story. If I'm in a shop getting FD/ MD cards I'll pick up a couple (likewise my DH would do the same for me). But that's not a special trip or anything.

Posted too soon.

She said don't start something you may not want to get stuck with.

Her daughter felt it was a bit CF ish as she has 3 sisters in law, yet she was being asked and she wasn't married a year!

So she told her husband he was welcome to host, plan etc. something that large for 20 people if he wished, but she would be going home to her mother for Christmas as per usual!

It died a death and was never mentioned again.

I have had a few friends who were getting caught for all the big hosting events because their house worked or they are so good at it.

They decided exactly what they were prepared to do and then became unavailable, again telling their husbands to crack on.

Again, never mentioned again.

Yes, it's spiteful. You're in the shop, going for that specific thing. It's no hardship to pick up two. Why do so many couples on here have to behave so childishly towards each other? It's pathetic.

This is how it's done.

You do this once and THEY remembe for the next time.

My youngest son was
snappy with me when I reminded about something he should do several months ago.

I told him fine, I will leave you to it.

Twice he's been bitten on the arse about it and asked me why I "didn't tell him".

I have just reminded him of his rudeness and how I will be leaving him to it, so he had better start use his calender on his phone if he wants to remember stuff.

No harm at all, I am doing him a favour.

I would if he asked me but not by default. I would remind DH that it's fathers day though.

Thanks everyone!

Surely a card is personal though? When I'm shopping for cards I'll pick something that I think the recipient will like/find funny. I've asked DH to pick up friends birthday cards in the past and they are never what I would have chosen.

Exactly! I can never win anyway 😆

Even if there were no background problems with your DP's parents you wouldn't need to buy the father's day card or any cards for your partner's family if you don't feel like doing so, since presumably you are married to an adult.

But in your case where there have been background difficulties, it is perfectly understandable that you don't want to buy a card for your DP's dad. Not buying the card may be a boundary that says you're not going to go to efforts to please people who don't show the same level of care or respect for you. You definitely need to respect yourself ahead of trying to please other people.

Enjoy choosing a nice card for your dad and let your husband work out the best way to mark the occasion for his own dad, it gives him a chance to reflect on and foster his own relationships with these individuals.

Yes, but you can send them a photo if you're not sure, and ask them. Either that, or you'll have a spare for next time and they'll still be welcome to buy their own.

To actively go out of your way not to pick one up for your partner is absolutely ridiculous.

Given the background I wouldn’t buy a card for FIL.If I’d always bought cards in the past I would remind your DH of Fathers Day but that would be it.
Years ago I reminded my DH about his mum’s birthday. We were on holiday with two young children so I did well to remember.. but I quite liked my MIL and didn’t want to disappoint her. He asked me to choose one and he duly signed and sent it. FIL then rang to say she had been in tears all day because she thought the humorous card was somehow a “ dig” at her. DH promptly threw me under the bus and said he hadn’t chosen it but had thought it was an odd card !!! He had barely glanced at it . I was upset that she was upset .. so bought another card with lots of flowers on it and wrote a poem to her apologising for any offence caused ( I still don’t understand why she thought it was upsetting 40 years later !)
So , told DH that I was never sorting out stuff for HIS family ever again. Ditto writing Xmas cards to his family ( I had found myself one Xmas writing out cards to his family , their family friends and even the neighbours of the PIL !! ).
He has done it all himself ever since …. just happy to leave all the “ shit work “ to some idiot woman if she was prepared to do it . So …. don’t buy the card.

Seems very petty and immature not to