Not to pick up FIL father's day card?

[JulyDreams]

Am I nasty if I buy my own father a Father’s Day card at the shop today but don’t pick one up for father in law? Is that not my DP’s responsibility? My own dad has a very different relationship with me and DP.

Couple of background problems with me and DP’s family anyway (I have posted previously about MIL not really wanting a relationship with me but only happy that she still gets to see DP and doesn’t have to worry about me). Post was called MIL strange question.

I have also bought presents and cards for his side of the family so he doesn’t have to worry. There is a very good chance they wouldn’t know I hadn’t gone to the effort and just thanked DP when they saw him without me there.

I don’t want to come across as spiteful at all here just wanted a couple of opinions. Should I leave it?

Noted

That was my plan thank you

Agree, don't do it

I would. BUT, I'm familiar with your other thread. These people are unpleasant and rude. If I were you i wouldnt even have them in my home. I certainly wouldn't buy a card for them.

Out of interest do they buy you cards/gifts?

After years of ordering beautiful bouquets of flowers, thoughtful cards and lovely presents for dmil, and then watching her thank dh and the kids profusely while ignoring me I don’t do it anymore. I did tell dh several times that I was pissed off, but he ignored me and eventually I put my foot down and said no more. He told me I was over reacting and it wasn’t much effort to order something from the internet nowadays anyway. I told him that if that was the case he can sort it from now on but don’t forget because it’s completely off my list and I won’t be reminding you. His exact words ‘As if I need you to remind me when my own mother’s birthday is’. Ok then.

Cut to one year later, dh receives a text at about 6pm and goes white as a sheet. It’s from dfil asking if everything was ok as his dm hadn’t heard from him on her birthday. Dh’s face was an absolute picture when he looked at me and realised that I would never have forgotten (and hadn’t) but that he couldn’t say anything as he’d made such a fuss that it was no big deal. I’m sure he’d have tried to blame it on me if it wasn’t for dd. I heard her telling granny all about it on the phone, ‘Daddy told Mummy that he was going to get all of your presents but silly daddy forgot. Daddy always forgets things. He even forgot to get us a card to send to you. Mummy never forgets anything. I’ll ask Mummy to take me to choose my card for you again next year.’

You’d think that dmil would have realised then that her ds wasn’t the thoughtful soul she has always made him out to be but I expect it will have been my fault. Anyway the moral is don’t buy the card, no one will appreciate it anyway.

I would remind my DH but I'd also pick one up if asked and i was out and about. I don't see the point of his family my family, we are all one family and we get on well. Think it sounds really petty.
Both our names would go on my dad and his dad's cards.
I think if the assumption is you will automatically get it - woman's role etc, that might need addressing, but my life is too short to worry/make a stand on this.

Not petty at all, but you might need want your DH that you’ll no longer be buying cards for him to send to people. It wouldn’t even occur to me to buy my FiL a Father’s Day card, as he’s not my father. I don’t buy my DH’s family cards and presents, my DH is a grown man, he sorted all that before he met me, so he (sometimes) continues to do so. I say “sometimes”, because he often forgets, but that’s on him, it’s not my responsibility. I don’t really understand why women engage in “wife work”, when there’s zero likelihood that their husbands would reciprocate and buy their wife’s family any presents and cards. Why make more work for yourself? Reduce your mental load and opt out of even thinking about buying gifts and cards that your husband should be buying.

*warn, not want

Best post I've read in a while!! I will be following this thank you

Thank you- I remember you also. Thanks for your comment.

They buy me a birthday card yes. But their gifts even though greatfully received, are very thoughtless, opened, used or without tags. I think second hand to be honest. I've mentioned to DP before but I think FIL and MIL have an issue with spending money on me (and baby) so I usually get DP's sister's second hand stuff

Personally I'd buy the card if I was buying one for my dad I think its petty point scoring not to. He is your partner supposed to be a team arent you.

You say ‘they’ buy you a birthday card but I imagine that your MIL is the one who buys it!

I stopped buying for FIL as soon realised he can’t be arsed and never in his life bought a card or gift, even MIL has to buy her own birthday card.

For the Love of God !
I buy a Mothers Day Card for my Mum and my MIL while I'm doing it .
What extra effort is involved in picking up a card and puting it through the till at the same time .

I cannot think of anything more petty than coming home to my DH and saying "Oh I bought this card for my Mum but I really CBA picking up another one "

Aside from the fact he's an adult...
I think these days are consumerist crap, but even I think that if you do mark it it should be personal. If someone else has chosen the card and remembered the day then it's utterly meaningless.
It shouldn't be just "picking up a card". It would be petty if you didn't get them shower gel or something despite noticing they were running low, you were in the shower gel aisle anyway and decided you just couldn't be arsed. Not chosing a card specifically from him to his father isn't being petty - it's not like birthdays or Christmas where everyone and anyone sends a card and it's from both of you anyway.

I'd be interested how many people with adult children appreciate their cards and gifts a bit less knowing their son or daughter's OH made all the effort. I recall posters on the Christmas threads who have said "my son used to get me quirky personal gifts, now his girlfriend has taken over gift buying and I miss those interesting gifts."

It's not your responsibility to manage that for your partner, although I bet you would be happy to do so if you get along with them and that meant it was coming from you too in a way. But the reciprocity of feeling isn't there and you're not going to be able to fix it. Not your fault or job.

But you might want to think about what this says about your partner, are they interceding with their family about you, are they remembering special days, are they thoughtful the way you are and clearly want to be in your interactions with other people? Does that mean a lot to you. Will it change?

All the posters who pick up cards for their DH’s family because they’re out shopping for cards for their own mum/dad anyway.

Do your DH’s pick up cards for your parents because they’re picking up cards for their own parents anyway?

Yes. I would tend to cover Fathers' Day and him Mothers', because we have a young child so someone has to organise her card to him/ me.

(He did forget Mothers' Day the year after she was born, but then to be fair I forgot Valentine's that same year - it was all a bit of a sleep deprived haze at that point.)

I don't buy any cards/gifts for his family and he doesn't for mine. I have enough life admin of my own without taking on his.

It mostly means his family don't get anything and the odd times they do, possibly a shit or inappropriate moonpig card.
My friends and family get lovely cards and gifts. 😄

It's fine and really not my problem. I was very clear from the beginning this was the situation. In your case, I'd make that clear now as you've done it in the past.

No, I don't buy cards or presents for my partner's family. He's a grown man with a responsible job and is capable of doing it himself. If he asked me to because I was going to a shop and it saved him time I would, but I'd pick a few nice ones and get him to choose via WhatsApp, I wouldn't just show up at home with a card. (In reality he buys all his cards online nowadays , well in advance.)

I had no idea this was something women do until I started reading Mumsnet. I suppose it makes more sense if you're a SAHM and have taken on all the house and life admin, but... well, there's a reason I haven't done that!

If you've been doing it for years I would let him know you won't be doing it anymore, but after that it's his responsibility.

It's taken much more time, energy and headspace to not buy him a card than it would to have just picked up two of the same card.

Well yes, starting this thread, and reading the responses, and deliberating about it, has taken the OP more time that it would have taken to buy the card. However, if the OP decides that from here on she's not going to buy the cards and gifts that her husband should be buying, it will take up none of her time whatsoever. I literally spend no time thinking about the cards and gifts my husband buys, unless he expressly asks for my help. I can understand why reminding the husband, checking they've got something appropriate etc would be a load of work, but there's no reason why any wife needs to do all that. We are talking about grown adults here, men are perfectly capable of remembering to buy a card, they presumably remember important info to do with their jobs, so they can do this to. Wives are not PA's.

Where’s the mental load in picking up and paying for two cards, not one when you’re in the shop any way? MN and it’s warped feminism gets more batshit every day.

Just buy the card.

Like others I don't understand why women take over doing this, just why? I don't even know when the birthdays etc of DP's family are. He choses to never send anything and that's up to him, this lack of thought reflects on him as a person not me.

The problem here is that many men see this as below them, women's type work. However imo it reflects that they just don't really care and if they don't care about other people's events/birthdays then they can't really expect people to care about theirs.

I'm in the don't make a rod for your own back camp. I might sometimes get involved with cards and presents for DH's side of the family but I made it clear that I wasn't going to do it all. Your DP doesn't even need to leave the comfort of home to buy a card. He could easily order one from Moonpig or Thortful.