Not to pick up FIL father's day card?

[JulyDreams]

Am I nasty if I buy my own father a Father’s Day card at the shop today but don’t pick one up for father in law? Is that not my DP’s responsibility? My own dad has a very different relationship with me and DP.

Couple of background problems with me and DP’s family anyway (I have posted previously about MIL not really wanting a relationship with me but only happy that she still gets to see DP and doesn’t have to worry about me). Post was called MIL strange question.

I have also bought presents and cards for his side of the family so he doesn’t have to worry. There is a very good chance they wouldn’t know I hadn’t gone to the effort and just thanked DP when they saw him without me there.

I don’t want to come across as spiteful at all here just wanted a couple of opinions. Should I leave it?

While it doesn't add to my list, it takes another one off his, this changes from a favour to the normal which then becomes another thing on my list and the resentment begins.

I wouldn't pick the card that he would want as I don't view his family as he does (I don't dislike them but they aren't my parents so I'm not going to pick the right amount of gush).

I'd get my cards in advance cos I want nice ones for my family, he is in the shops for weeks when the cards are there but leaves til last minute so while its not necessary to get me one, neither has he ever asked do I need one.

Like others I don't understand why women take over doing this, just why?

I haven’t taken over, I have a better memory. I remind him his kids’ and grandchildren’s birthdays are coming up. Sometimes I buy the card, sometimes he does. I also buy nice cards when I see them and there’s always a stash in the drawer.

The OP isn’t about that anyway. She’s going to the shop to buy a Fathers’ Day card anyway, it’s hardly a superhuman feat to buy two instead of one.

I never buy cards for DH’s family. FIL, who is about to move back from Spain, actually moaned to DH the other day that he never sends him a card.

@Blossomtoes Why is it "warped feminism" to refuse to take on the responsibility for jobs that our husbands should be doing? I might do a poll, see how many women who do this for their husbands are in marriages where the husbands also buy an equivalent number of cards and gifts for their wives' family members. If those women were in real partnerships, as they claim to be, the husbands would have all their wives' family members birthdays in their calendars, and that along with remembering to buy appropriate cards and gifts for their own family members, they'd be reminding their wives to buy cards, and checking they'd bought presents etc. I just don't believe that happens in even a minority of marriages. Where it does happen, this doesn't apply to you, you crack doing things how it works for you. But I'd wager that what actually happens when the wives take on this responsibility, is that the husbands opt out entirely, it's simply no longer on their to do list, it's an extra job for the wife and one less for the husband. If that's what you're happy with then fine, but don't call it "warped feminism" to leave it up to the men to do it for their own family. It seems like a pretty equal split to just sort their own families cards and presents out when other household tasks are also split equally and both partners work. An equal split of tasks isn't "warped feminism", and buying cards is not inherently a women's job.

@Janie576 picking up two cards instead of one isn't taking on your husbands responsibilities.

If you're doing a food shop does he still have to go and buy the bathroom cleaner himself because cleaning the bathroom is his responsibility?

Oh the old cards issue. Men somehow have no memory for these things and need reminding like a DC. Funny how they managed before the wife took over. My outlaws blamed me if they didn’t get cards from their DS. I would get no card in return as in their family the ‘woman’ do the cards. I laughed as that isn’t the way I was brought up in a family of independent woman. Those poor men who have lost their memory for dates or can’t see the visual ads for mothers day etc simply have been brought up thinking it’s a ‘woman’s’ job

Since you're literally in the card shop I can't see why you wouldn't grab one just to save your husband the faff.

Fuck that shit.

His family, his responsibility. Does he not have a job, responsibility and opposable thimbs? He`s a grown man, not another baby.

@Blossomtoes I also seem to have a better memory than my husband, as I manage to buy cards and presents for my family. He's quite frankly rubbish at remembering to buy his, he often doesn't, but it's still not then my responsibility to remind him. But I only remember my family's birthday's because they're in my calendar, and I set reminders, and I go to the effort required when I get those reminders. My husband could choose to do that too, if it was a priority to him, but evidently it's not. There's zero reason why it should then fall on me to do it for him, or any other women in such a marriage, just because I'm "better" at it.

@girlmom21 I think it is, and what's the point anyway? They'd get a Father's Day card because I was picking up one too, when they then don't even usually get a birthday card? My FIL would know immediately that I'd bought it rather then my OH, and with me not being his daughter, he'd wonder why I bothered and think it rather odd.

I think it's weirder that your FIL would find you picking up a card for him weird tbh.

Because it's Fathers Day and he's not my father? Isn't the grown up child supposed to do that for their father? I know if I randomly bought a Fathers Day card for my FIL when he's never received one in all the 30 odd years he's had teenage and grown up children (it might be longer, if ever, I don't know what happened when my DH was a child), I do think my FIL would find it odd, and think it a waste of money. But maybe that's just my FIL. If he was bothered about getting cards, he'd have made that point to my DH years ago.

Funny it’s always the woman in the shop picking up the cards. Does the husband never pop in and pick up a couple? Of course not as they are too busy trying to remember how to put there pants on to be thoughtful or considerate about a family member. I like picking cards and I take time and care over it. I would expect my OH to take time and care for his family too. It isn’t a case of just picking up a couple of cards . ( please stop excusing memory - there are adverts all over the shops about Father’s Day so it’s a choice not to give a shit)

I'm fond of my father in law so would pick one up. Though leave it on side for husband to write and post.

However I'd mainly do it as my and DH just help each other like that. Get stuff when out would nt make two journeys etc.

I mean he d never by cards but he would fill my car up with petrol etc.

So maybe pick one up but leaving the sending to him. Then your supporting you DH but it's not about your FIL?

My DH picks up most the cards. He works near a card shop though.

The3Ls
Filling up a car with petrol is essential or your car won’t start. It’s not being helpful it is needed. no different to ensuring bills are paid

Buying a loved one cards takes thought and consideration. My mother likes certain types of cards and I take time buying them.

I think that if this is how you divide tasks, it's churlish of you. Get a card of sort. Then if oh wants to give he can.
Not doing so, imo, is more of an attack or your oh than inlaws.

@billy1966

So most of these women must be instigating it.

I suspect this starts right at the beginning of the relationship becoming serious and the woman wanting to please and trying to get more integrated into his family. Difficult habit to break though, once started. And, of course, it's the thin end of the wedge for anything else in the home and relationship which might be considered "wifework" and not necessarily the man's job... 🌹

But that's entirely different if he's never received a card his sons whole adult life. The OP is talking about a man who normally sends a Father's Day card. It's not extra hassle for her to pick up two and do her DP a favour.

I'd be pissed off if DP went and bought his own DF a card and didn't think to bother picking one up for mine, or even worse, intentionally didn't get one. It's spiteful to her DP. It's not even about FIL.

@billy1966

So she told her husband he was welcome to host, plan etc. something that large for 20 people if he wished, but she would be going home to her mother for Christmas as per usual!

It died a death and was never mentioned again.

Sensible girl, listening to her sensible mother... 🌹

girlmom21 so does your DP buy cards at the moment?

Yeah if he's at the shop he'll buy cards. If I'm at the shop I'll buy cards.

I think seeing as you are getting one for your df it's incredibly petty not to get one for your dp/fil. And tell him you expect him to buy for yours if he's getting his in future. Isn't this how partnerships are supposed to work

I don't understand this mentality on Mumsnet. It wouldn't occur to me not to pick one up if there anyway. And I'd expect the same from him sometimes. You're a couple, so should work together in my view. So I think you're being unreasonable and petty, but the majority will no doubt disagree.

@LuaDipa

I’m sure he’d have tried to blame it on me if it wasn’t for dd. I heard her telling granny all about it on the phone, ‘Daddy told Mummy that he was going to get all of your presents but silly daddy forgot. Daddy always forgets things. He even forgot to get us a card to send to you. Mummy never forgets anything. I’ll ask Mummy to take me to choose my card for you again next year.’

Awww!! Bless your daughter! Out of the mouths of babes, eh? 🌹