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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP going on holiday on my birthday!

132 replies

Putia · 09/06/2022 20:52

DP and I have been together for 18 months, and so far, our relationship has been pretty flawless. We haven't had so much as a cross word. I have been in some pretty shitty relationships in the past, and as such, I have learnt to value my worth and be with a partner who appreciates and prioritises me. I don't mind being on my own, so I guess my standards are quite high. I really love DP, and up until now, I would have said we are perfect for each other.

My birthday is next month. His birthday was a few months ago and I made a huge fuss of him. I love spoiling my loved ones, taking care of them, making them feel special. In fairness, on my last birthday, he did the same. A few months ago, DP booked a 7 day holiday with friends for the week before my birthday. Half of the group are coming back on the dates preceding my birthday, the other half are staying for a few days extra and coming back after my birthday. DP assured me that he would be returning with the first half of the group and so would be back in time for my birthday, and I could go ahead and book some things in, so I booked us a spa and hotel break. He has now announced, tonight, that he actually wants to come back with the second group and therefore will be missing my birthday, and has suggested I take someone else on the spa and hotel break. Understandably, I am upset, not only because I feel let down and not prioritised, but also because I booked the spa break and hotel with a romantic getaway in mind. I am left in the position of finding someone to come to a spa break in a few weeks time. All of my friends are mums to young children or babies, so it is doubtful I will find anyone.

I honestly feel like - at 18 months in - is this as good as it gets? I had dreams of us spending our future together (he said he wants that to), but I feel his actions to be very selfish, inconsiderate and off putting.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Tothepoint99 · 09/06/2022 20:54

He wants to....has he committed to a booking over your birthday?

anxiousmumagain · 09/06/2022 20:56

YANBU. He committed to the spa break with you and now he's letting you down last minute. I'd be fucked off too.

19lottie82 · 09/06/2022 20:58

At first I thought you were being a bit precious, but you’ve booked something, that he agreed to, now he wants to cancel? Nah, that shit.

AlternativelyWired · 09/06/2022 21:00

You'll get people on here telling you that adult birthdays are no big deal but I understand how you are feeling and I'd be pissed off too. It's the fact he says he be back in time and then is choosing to come back after your birthday. That's the kick in the teeth, him choosing to miss your birthday especially when he knows you've booked a Romantic break for you both.

CraftyGin · 09/06/2022 21:00

YABU - you are not a child.

anxiousmumagain · 09/06/2022 21:02

CraftyGin · 09/06/2022 21:00

YABU - you are not a child.

Interesting.

Is it just children who are affected by others letting them down last minute after making plans with them? Confused

HousePlantLandlord · 09/06/2022 21:03

19lottie82 · 09/06/2022 20:58

At first I thought you were being a bit precious, but you’ve booked something, that he agreed to, now he wants to cancel? Nah, that shit.

Same here.

Does anything else feel a bit off to you?

HousePlantLandlord · 09/06/2022 21:03

CraftyGin · 09/06/2022 21:00

YABU - you are not a child.

They had fixed plans. It’s not a party at soft play.

dudsville · 09/06/2022 21:04

I don't think it's precious to want your partner with you on your birthday, i would be hurt. I once moved across the country to live with my boyfriend. On my first birthday after moving in he took a completely optional trip. I began seeing holes in the relationship. It didn't last.

galacticpixels · 09/06/2022 21:05

You're not being unreasonable. He made plans with you. That's really crappy.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 09/06/2022 21:08

How hurtful. I'd be devastated and furious.

1FootInTheRave · 09/06/2022 21:09

18 months in?

I'd say he's not that into you.

I wouldn't be thinking long term with this person.

gamerchick · 09/06/2022 21:10

He told you to book something and now he's bailing? I'd be upset enough to tell him to have a nice trip and cancel the stuff that's been booked.

If the bloom has worn off so early that he can fuck you off for his mates then it doesn't bode well for the future tbh.

Tothepoint99 · 09/06/2022 21:11

If he actually said he'd be back and book stuff on that basis YANBU, if he didn't, YABU.

Men are notorious for underestimating how much birthdays mean to the SO. I've learnt to manage my own expectations and do stuff on my own or with a friend as the years have gone on.

LatinMumof2 · 09/06/2022 21:13

You had visions of a romantic birthday weekend. He told you to take someone else to the spa. I would!

Aquamarine1029 · 09/06/2022 21:14

What a shit thing for him to do. I'd be having a rethink.

britneyisfree · 09/06/2022 21:24

Proper piss take. Also, why didn't he book your birthday weekend for you? Sack him off, find someone new who fancies a weekend away!

Original poster
Putia · 09/06/2022 21:25

He's repeatedly said he would be returning with the first group, to make sure he is back in time for my birthday - even going so far as to circle the date in his calendar and make a note of our plans at the spa.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 09/06/2022 21:26

I’d bin him for 2 reasons:

  1. The change of plan showing he doesn’t prioritise you
2 the fact that you had to organise it yourself showing he doesn’t prioritise you. Why didn’t he book the day himself? If you look back on your relationship overall, is it you giving, him taking and it only really works because you are a kind generous person who hasn’t noticed this before??
Veol · 09/06/2022 21:26

Him pulling out after you booked it is very annoying. He may not think birthdays are quite as important as you do though. My family never made a particularly big deal out of birthdays and not many people I know do. Maybe a meal out or cake on the day, or soon after the day, and a present seems to be pretty standard. The person I know who made the biggest fuss over his wife’s birthdays was having an affair one year into their marriage, so I it doesn’t necessarily mean much.

Original poster
Putia · 09/06/2022 21:27

I didn't think I was overreacting, but I do worry I can be quite 'cut throat'. I have been treated so shitty in the past that I just don't stand for any nonsense anymore, I'd rather be on my own or continue looking for someone who truly appreciates me and prioritises me.

OP posts:
Lizzieismagic · 09/06/2022 21:27

His mates come before you...
Ltb

Morechocmorechoc · 09/06/2022 21:27

Have you paid for your own romantic get away? He should have booked something. You need to reprioritse.

Try telling him how you feel. See if he genuinely didn't realise. If he apologises and says of course he'll be home, then great. If not, you know whwre you are on his list.

FlissyPaps · 09/06/2022 21:30

I’d be upset too OP. At the fact he’s knowingly chosen to come back at a later date which means he’ll miss the spa break.

But, just because you make a fuss of others birthdays and spoil them, doesn’t mean they have to do the same. (Sounds shitty I know) Some people don’t see the excitement or point in celebrating birthdays.

Let him know how disappointed and upset you are. See what his response is. Then time to seriously consider your future together, if birthdays and celebrations are important to you.

In the mean time, try as best you can to find someone else to go to the spa break with.

GrumpyPanda · 09/06/2022 21:34

Since it's a romantic getaway, find another man for the spa break?

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