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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP going on holiday on my birthday!

132 replies

Putia · 09/06/2022 20:52

DP and I have been together for 18 months, and so far, our relationship has been pretty flawless. We haven't had so much as a cross word. I have been in some pretty shitty relationships in the past, and as such, I have learnt to value my worth and be with a partner who appreciates and prioritises me. I don't mind being on my own, so I guess my standards are quite high. I really love DP, and up until now, I would have said we are perfect for each other.

My birthday is next month. His birthday was a few months ago and I made a huge fuss of him. I love spoiling my loved ones, taking care of them, making them feel special. In fairness, on my last birthday, he did the same. A few months ago, DP booked a 7 day holiday with friends for the week before my birthday. Half of the group are coming back on the dates preceding my birthday, the other half are staying for a few days extra and coming back after my birthday. DP assured me that he would be returning with the first half of the group and so would be back in time for my birthday, and I could go ahead and book some things in, so I booked us a spa and hotel break. He has now announced, tonight, that he actually wants to come back with the second group and therefore will be missing my birthday, and has suggested I take someone else on the spa and hotel break. Understandably, I am upset, not only because I feel let down and not prioritised, but also because I booked the spa break and hotel with a romantic getaway in mind. I am left in the position of finding someone to come to a spa break in a few weeks time. All of my friends are mums to young children or babies, so it is doubtful I will find anyone.

I honestly feel like - at 18 months in - is this as good as it gets? I had dreams of us spending our future together (he said he wants that to), but I feel his actions to be very selfish, inconsiderate and off putting.

AIBU?

OP posts:
InstaHun88 · 09/06/2022 22:19

YANBU. My DP was just away for my birthday BUT it had been discussed months in advance and the timing of the trip could not be moved, for reasons outside his control. So I didn't mind. If he had agreed to a romantic weekend, let me book and pay for it only to let me down last minute so I can spend my expensive bday weekend on my own, I would be hitting the roof. Not ok, at all. I would be seriously questioning the future of the relationship.

Basically the two of you made plans together and he's ditching you for his mates. He doesn't give a fuck about you.

Original poster
Putia · 09/06/2022 22:24

Yes - he has prioritised his friends over me.

For clarity, the conversation a few months ago went as follows:

DP: My friends are organising a holiday, I can either do 7 days or 10 days. Half the group are leaving after 7 days and the other half are leaving after 10 days. Here are the dates.

Putia: Oh, if you do 10 days then that means you will be away on my birthday, I'd hoped we could spend it together as that's important to me.

DP: Ah okay, no worries, I am not bothered about staying for 10 days anyway. I will come back with the half of the group who are leaving after 7. Go ahead and find something you'd like to do for your birthday weekend and book it.

He has repeatedly told me since that he is only staying for 7 days, will be back in time for my birthday, including highlighting the date of our spa weekend in his calendar. Then he says tonight that actually he is staying for the 10 days and will be returning after my birthday. No reason given. When I mentioned the booked spa weekend he suggested I take someone else. I stopped replying to his messages after that as I was incredibly upset and angry and wanted time to collect my thoughts and feelings.

OP posts:
ManateeFair · 09/06/2022 22:24

I wouldn’t be bothered about my partner being there on my actual birthday as I’d happily just do something for my birthday a few days later, but I would be really annoyed if he said he was definitely going to be there, and told me it was OK to book a weekend away, and then after that decided he was going to extend his holiday with his friends instead.

anxiousmumagain · 09/06/2022 22:27

@Putia

Your update makes me angry on your behalf. He is 100% in the wrong here. I'd be fuming.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 09/06/2022 22:29

Sorry, on that basis, he is not worth your time. You do not want to spend your life with someone who treats you like this. LTB.

Vikinga · 09/06/2022 22:30

Whether or not it was your birthday, youd agreed to go together for a romantic break. He can still do his holiday but chooses not to. The fact that is also your birthday spells trouble and as if he's not that into you. If it had clashes with your birthday he could always have organised your birthday break before or after, it wouldn't have been a problem.

IrisVersicolor · 09/06/2022 22:30

I think he’s sending you a message. It’s a very deliberate change of plan.

Beamish22 · 09/06/2022 22:30

YANBU not because he won't be at home for your birthday, but because he said he would be and you've spent money on the spa break based on that.

mistermagpie · 09/06/2022 22:33

Your update makes it sound worse to be honest. He didn't seem remotely fussed about you birthday in the first place ('you find something and book it') and actually, did he even remember when your birthday was? And now, he's not only let you plan and book (and pay for?) your own birthday weekend, he's not even going to be there.

It's not a big thing, in the grand scheme of things, but it's enough of a thing to think twice about this one.

pictish · 09/06/2022 22:33

Being away on your birthday, fine. Making expensive arrangements for your birthday then blowing you out for mates instead, not fine.

Crackercrazy · 09/06/2022 22:35

Has he actually apologised for missing your birthday? YANBU

pictish · 09/06/2022 22:37

“Then he says tonight that actually he is staying for the 10 days and will be returning after my birthday. No reason given.”

was any apology offered?

SoSleepyMustWork · 09/06/2022 22:37

Where's your head right now OP? Hope you're okay.

anxiousmumagain · 09/06/2022 22:38

That there was no reason given would enrage me even further too. Just, I'm doing it and that's that. What a dick 😠

Knackeredmommy · 09/06/2022 22:38

That's taking the piss, it's not just that he's missing your birthday but that he promised he'd be back, knows you've plans and is still choosing to stay when he doesn't have to. I'd tell him how pissed off I am but not sure Id even want him to come to the Spa now

Original poster
Putia · 09/06/2022 22:40

@pictish Nope, no apology. Just the fact that he is coming back later.

I doubt I will be able to find a friend at this short notice. And I am definitely thinking cold and hard about this relationship. I am sure there are lots of eligible men on Tinder who would jump at the chance of a spa break with me (paid for by ex-dp)!

OP posts:
420Bruh · 09/06/2022 22:40

From your title I thought you were being precious but this is really thoughtless.

Livpool · 09/06/2022 22:42

He sounds like an arsehole OP! He cba seeing you on your birthday after a week away with his friends?!

I would be seriously reconsidering the relationship

pictish · 09/06/2022 22:46

Right then. No.

18 months…hmm I’m like you and looking out for it. I’d be concerned this is some sort of means testing. No apology, no explanation. Knows he’s letting you down though.
Ok, honest answer. How do you think he’d respond to you telling him he’s out of order?

JenniferPlantain · 09/06/2022 22:47

ManateeFair · 09/06/2022 22:24

I wouldn’t be bothered about my partner being there on my actual birthday as I’d happily just do something for my birthday a few days later, but I would be really annoyed if he said he was definitely going to be there, and told me it was OK to book a weekend away, and then after that decided he was going to extend his holiday with his friends instead.

Same. It’s not the birthday bit that’s a big deal, it’s letting you plan/pay for stuff and letting you down.

Really annoying.

CandyLeBonBon · 09/06/2022 22:51

CraftyGin · 09/06/2022 21:00

YABU - you are not a child.

Raise your bar a bit!

LuckyAmy1986 · 09/06/2022 22:55

Tothepoint99 · 09/06/2022 21:11

If he actually said he'd be back and book stuff on that basis YANBU, if he didn't, YABU.

Men are notorious for underestimating how much birthdays mean to the SO. I've learnt to manage my own expectations and do stuff on my own or with a friend as the years have gone on.

Wow that’s shit. Could he not learn to put in the effort for the one day a year rather than you learning to manage your expectations? I hope you don’t go all out for his birthdays!

BuggersMuddle · 09/06/2022 22:57

Nah, changing plans like that's not on.

If he didn't want to consider your birthday in the first place, why the whole 7 day / 10 day nonsense? He could just've said, 'I'll be away with my friends for days x -> y' but lets go away to celebrate your birthday when I get back. That would've been totally reasonable esp given you hadn't been together all that long when you made plans.

The fact he said he laid out the options, agreed to something and then let you make plans before changing his mind last minute is what's shitty tbh.

Rainbowshit · 09/06/2022 23:01

I'd be really upset about this. YANBU. It would be a dumping offence for me. If he's putting his friends before you only 18 months in then it doesn't look good. Sorry.

EmmiJay · 09/06/2022 23:05

Nope. Something in the milk ain't clean. Keep an eye on him if you have the energy or just enjoy your birthday without him.