DP going on holiday on my birthday!

[Putia]

DP and I have been together for 18 months, and so far, our relationship has been pretty flawless. We haven't had so much as a cross word. I have been in some pretty shitty relationships in the past, and as such, I have learnt to value my worth and be with a partner who appreciates and prioritises me. I don't mind being on my own, so I guess my standards are quite high. I really love DP, and up until now, I would have said we are perfect for each other.

My birthday is next month. His birthday was a few months ago and I made a huge fuss of him. I love spoiling my loved ones, taking care of them, making them feel special. In fairness, on my last birthday, he did the same. A few months ago, DP booked a 7 day holiday with friends for the week before my birthday. Half of the group are coming back on the dates preceding my birthday, the other half are staying for a few days extra and coming back after my birthday. DP assured me that he would be returning with the first half of the group and so would be back in time for my birthday, and I could go ahead and book some things in, so I booked us a spa and hotel break. He has now announced, tonight, that he actually wants to come back with the second group and therefore will be missing my birthday, and has suggested I take someone else on the spa and hotel break. Understandably, I am upset, not only because I feel let down and not prioritised, but also because I booked the spa break and hotel with a romantic getaway in mind. I am left in the position of finding someone to come to a spa break in a few weeks time. All of my friends are mums to young children or babies, so it is doubtful I will find anyone.

I honestly feel like - at 18 months in - is this as good as it gets? I had dreams of us spending our future together (he said he wants that to), but I feel his actions to be very selfish, inconsiderate and off putting.

AIBU?

Dump him

Yanbu. If at 18m he can disappoint you without a second thought what is there to look forward to. That's really awful of him since he knew you had booked a trip as well.

This is shit.

If you had a let's do something arrangement then I would let him off.

But you have a minibreak booked. He hasn't even offered to replace it with something better and suggested you invite another person.

Sorry but I think your relationship is in trouble.

Really?

I cannot believe how anyone can get worked up about this.

Its your birthday, you have one every year, it’s not like it’s a one-off momentous meaningful occasion that he’s bowing out of.

I do understand though that some people put heavy weight on spending birthdays together but it seems a bit juvenile to me.

You’re seriously going to question the future of your relationship because he’s away with his friends on your birthday?

I’d be so upset. And he should have booked the spa thing himself! It’s your birthday and you made a fuss of him for his.

For me it's not about the birthday, it's about breaking the agreed arrangement and leaving you with an undesirable alternative. I'd cancel the spa break and ask him to refund you any money lost.

Raise your bar.

Or this!

How long have you lived with your boyfriend? You sound way more invested in him and your relationship than he is with you.

I understand why you go over the top on his birthday, you want to show him how much you are into him but if he doesn't feel the same about you he will be as dismissive of you as he has been.

I’m a happily married woman and shock horror, our relationship has survived despite us not spending every birthday together.

It’s a miracle I know.

My second LTB of the evening.

It's not so much about it being your birthday, it's that you made definite plans and he's just decided to fuck you off, not even caring how that would make you feel. Perhaps his true colours are beginning to show.

@Perplexed0522 So you wouldn't be bothered if you'd agreed plans with your OH, had spent time and money on organising things and they then decided to spend time with their friends instead .... who they'd already spent a week with?
I suspect you'll be in a very small minority with that viewpoint.

@Perplexed0522

She’s questioning her relationship because her partner made a commitment to her and is now letting her down: hope that doesn’t regularly happen in your happy marriage 🙄

What are the actual logistics here? Had he actually booked his return trip (the one before you birthday) and has now changed that, or is planning to? Or was the return trip never actually set in stone, time wise? Was he hoping to just figure it out as he went along in terms of how to let you down?

Also, why are you booking your own birthday trip away? That seems a bit odd to me to be honest. Did you pay for it?

All the arrangements seem a bit strange to me and more like something you would see in a casual relationship than something long term.

I'm not fussed on birthdays, DH and I don't even do cards and presents, but that's neither here nor there really - the birthday matters to you and so it should matter to him. He was never really making any effort for it though, was he? If you made the plans and booked it? That's you making an effort for yourself (nothing wrong with that btw, but it's not what you want I think).

I'd be reconsidering this to be honest. Not ending it outright necessarily, but he's shown you what his priorities are and I'd be wary of getting too committed.

Has he said what's changed to make him want to come back with the second group?

I’ve not voted.

I would be really annoyed and upset that I had booked things for us because he told me to and then changed his mind and had wasted my time.

Wasting my time is a massive no no and I will end relationships over it.

However he would be silly to not extend his stay if he has the choice as this holiday is much rarer than a spa day with you.

I am wondering if he felt guilty for being away on your birthday so said he’d come back early but then realised what a foolish thing that would be and so changed his mind.

Would your husband sack off a lovely trip together to extend his holiday with mates?
If the answer is yes then I feel sorry for you

He’s not that interested. Very simple.

Definitely true colours. It's the decline...don't ignore it.

I really wish you had a fit male friend that you could casually mention is now going with you. Drop into the conversation that you are having a birthday vejazzle and then stop answering his calls.

Did you read the OP?
It's not about the birthday really, that's a bit of a red herring.
The point is they had plans together for a weekend break, which she has booked,with his agreement. He is now letting her down at the last minute, and that's not good.

(Actually don't know how go spell vejazzle but don't want to Google it 😂)

Based on the title, I was going to say YAB a little bit U saying your birthday is off limits; if it had happened that his trip could only be booked at that time, I'd take it as a one-off and celebrate the birthday without him/once he's back. But reading the whole post - no, YANBU to be annoyed that he's intentionally double-booked and is acting like it's not a problem. Especially when he KNEW some of his friends were planning to extend the trip and he'd told you he'd opted out and specifically said you should go ahead and book.

Has he said why he changed his mind? I'd find it unaccceptable regardless of it being your birthday (although that's also a factor as he knows it's important to you, even though his b'day may not be to him). I'd also be very annoyed if ANYONE did this - a friend, a family member, let alone a partner. Unless there's some massive backstory I'd consider that person at best thoughtless and unreliable. I'm assuming the things you've booked are nonrefundable if he's saying take someone else rather than let's postpone?

Yes, that’s a red line. He is breaking a commitment he made to you. He wants to do something else not his plans with you. That’s all you need to know. He’s not that into you sorry.

You need to talk to him about it explain you were looking forward to th spa together. If he dismisses your feelings it's not boding well for the future.