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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP going on holiday on my birthday!

132 replies

Putia · 09/06/2022 20:52

DP and I have been together for 18 months, and so far, our relationship has been pretty flawless. We haven't had so much as a cross word. I have been in some pretty shitty relationships in the past, and as such, I have learnt to value my worth and be with a partner who appreciates and prioritises me. I don't mind being on my own, so I guess my standards are quite high. I really love DP, and up until now, I would have said we are perfect for each other.

My birthday is next month. His birthday was a few months ago and I made a huge fuss of him. I love spoiling my loved ones, taking care of them, making them feel special. In fairness, on my last birthday, he did the same. A few months ago, DP booked a 7 day holiday with friends for the week before my birthday. Half of the group are coming back on the dates preceding my birthday, the other half are staying for a few days extra and coming back after my birthday. DP assured me that he would be returning with the first half of the group and so would be back in time for my birthday, and I could go ahead and book some things in, so I booked us a spa and hotel break. He has now announced, tonight, that he actually wants to come back with the second group and therefore will be missing my birthday, and has suggested I take someone else on the spa and hotel break. Understandably, I am upset, not only because I feel let down and not prioritised, but also because I booked the spa break and hotel with a romantic getaway in mind. I am left in the position of finding someone to come to a spa break in a few weeks time. All of my friends are mums to young children or babies, so it is doubtful I will find anyone.

I honestly feel like - at 18 months in - is this as good as it gets? I had dreams of us spending our future together (he said he wants that to), but I feel his actions to be very selfish, inconsiderate and off putting.

AIBU?

OP posts:
littlefireseverywhere · 09/06/2022 23:05

@BuggersMuddle exactly what they said! He’s got different priorities I think, it’s not as if he’d be the only one leaving early. He has FOMO

Wanderingowl · 09/06/2022 23:07

Perplexed0522 · 09/06/2022 21:48

I’m a happily married woman and shock horror, our relationship has survived despite us not spending every birthday together.

It’s a miracle I know.

Show quote history

The point just sailed right over your head didn't it? He said what date he'd be back from his break and suggested she book a break away for them. Then after she books and pays for it, he says he has changed his mind and won't be back anyway. That's unacceptable. The fact that it's her birthday makes the issue worse but the real problem is him encouraging her to book a break away then changing his mind.

NessieMcNessface · 09/06/2022 23:08

After reading your updates OP I’m
definitely in the LTB camp. His total lack of concern for your feelings is unacceptable. I think he’s sending you a clear message by informing you by text that in fact he’s now staying for the ten days. Why would you do that to someone you’re supposed to love?

NeedAHoliday2021 · 09/06/2022 23:10

I’d be seriously questioning the relationship. It’s mostly the fact you had plans but he’s prioritised friends. If he’d said I’m sorry I’ll be away for your birthday but why don’t we book a spa weekend the following week and I’ll make it up to you, then I’d be okay with it (Although slightly disappointed because birthdays are special in my house - dc and adults). In 21 years dh has never missed any.

eldora · 09/06/2022 23:11

Has he paid for the spa and hotel break?

Regardless, it’s a very shitty thing to do and the lack of apology is a huge red flag.

Molly499 · 09/06/2022 23:12

Probably put off by the spa break, not exactly what most men enjoy. Nice hotel, yes but not a spa.

Nanny0gg · 09/06/2022 23:12

Perplexed0522 · 09/06/2022 21:48

I’m a happily married woman and shock horror, our relationship has survived despite us not spending every birthday together.

It’s a miracle I know.

Show quote history

How often does he let you down over pre-made arrangements?

RaindropsOnRoses12 · 09/06/2022 23:13

take one of his male friends to the spa instead and send pics . Omg I would be so annoyed at this. I suppose ask him how he would feel and reiterate the efforts you went to for his birthday. If he is worth it , he will realise what’s wrong and alter it . And if he doesn’t, then he’s not! 💁‍♀️

sandragreen · 09/06/2022 23:14

Yeah this is a dumpable offence in my book.

Has he paid towards the break he told you to go ahead and book? I would message him and tell him you have found someone else to go with and can he please never contact you again. Then block him and move on.

whiteroseredrose · 09/06/2022 23:17

He sounds utterly selfish.

He is no longer on his best behaviour and his true colours are showing.

Sorry but I'd give him the boot.

billy1966 · 09/06/2022 23:21

OP,

I can understand your upset.

He has rudely and casually broken an arrangement without apology.

We teach people how to treat us.

18 months in you are being shown a side of his character as his mask has slipped.

I wouldn't give him the soot of drama and upset.

I would wish him well and tell him that you have no intention of remaining in a relationship with someone so rude.

It is that simple.

It is a deal breaker.

Someone who really cared for you and wanted to be with you would NOT do this.

So take back control and dump.

I guarantee if you don't, you are in for a lot more of this because he will have seen that you accept such disrespectful behaviour.

lap90 · 09/06/2022 23:22

Molly499 · 09/06/2022 23:12

Probably put off by the spa break, not exactly what most men enjoy. Nice hotel, yes but not a spa.

I was thinking the same, although he could have sucked it up!

BuggersMuddle · 09/06/2022 23:22

Molly499 · 09/06/2022 23:12

Probably put off by the spa break, not exactly what most men enjoy. Nice hotel, yes but not a spa.

Then he should be able to say so.

DH and I have been to many a spa hotel. If I was suggesting a 'wellness break' with juices, morning yoga and facials aimed squarely at women he'd give it short shrift. A lovely hotel with good food that also happened to have pool, sauna, steam and maybe a decent massage? Totally different thing.

pictish · 09/06/2022 23:23

I wouldn’t even mind him putting his friends before me either…it’s normal to make time for your friends over your partner on occasion…but not like this! Not with the discussion, the agreement, the booking, the reiterations.
Very callous. Also agree dumping offence.

shakeitoffshakeacocktail · 09/06/2022 23:25

I bet his mates have given him stick about being under the thumb and he's wrongly thought to try his luck at letting you down without committing to see what would happen. He should stick to his original plan. 7 night man break should be plenty if it's not for a special event

User3568975431146 · 09/06/2022 23:41

It's only a birthday, you can do something together when he gets back surely?

Sunnytwobridges · 10/06/2022 03:31

I don’t care much about birthdays so him not being around for the actual day wouldn’t bother me. However the fact that he agreed to being back on the scheduled date but has changed it AND suggested you take someone else would be hurtful. Not sure I could get past it. Also has he planned anything for you on his own? I find it strange that you are planning something and he hasn’t and prefers to be with his friends

mubarak86 · 10/06/2022 05:22

Was fully prepared to say YABU but the fact that he agreed and committed to the spa weekend and now reneged means he is being VU. I think he is intentionally sending you a loud and clear message OP, I'd be binning him.

timeisnotaline · 10/06/2022 06:11

That’s a seriously big letdown. I’d be reconsidering the whole relationship, you’re not underreacting.

girlmom21 · 10/06/2022 06:22

You’re seriously going to question the future of your relationship because he’s away with his friends on your birthday?

No she's considering the future of her relationship because he specifically said he'd come back and to plan something they could do together for OP to look forward to and now he's told her he's cancelling with no regard or conversation.

If your marriage is 'happy' because your bar is so low that's sad.

Mirrorball2022 · 10/06/2022 06:23

im one of those 40 odd year olds that some on mumsnet think are ‘juvenile’ I love celebrating my birthday. We aren’t married or no kids so celebrations aren’t all the time. So both our birthdays are fun.
Birthdays can be celebrated past the day and the actual missing your birthday isn’t that bad. But to actually agree to this and then back track is the bit that’s not on. He doesn’t even seem that arsed either.

You may be surprised that one of your mum friends would jump at the idea of a spa, if they aren’t paying!

BEAM123 · 10/06/2022 06:29

Perplexed0522 · 09/06/2022 21:38

Really?

I cannot believe how anyone can get worked up about this.

Its your birthday, you have one every year, it’s not like it’s a one-off momentous meaningful occasion that he’s bowing out of.

I do understand though that some people put heavy weight on spending birthdays together but it seems a bit juvenile to me.

You’re seriously going to question the future of your relationship because he’s away with his friends on your birthday?

The point is that they made plans for the day that he agreed to, and are booked and paid for. And now he is flipping those plans off to have a few additional days away with his mates.

whatwasyournamesorry · 10/06/2022 06:34

Because he made plans with you and you booked all the stuff, you're not unreasonable

Had he managed your expectations from the outset, it would have been easier to bear

veggiesupreme · 10/06/2022 06:42

After 18m you should be his number one priority.

You have just found out you are not. Good information to know so you don't waste any more time on someone that is not going to deliver. I would call it a day on the basis that your values don't align and take a friend.

Selfish behaviour will not get any better. It will get worse. You have dodged a bullet.

pictish · 10/06/2022 06:42

It’s not even that he’s flipping the discussed and agreed arrangements off for a few extra days with his pals, though that’s bad enough.. it’s the lack of acknowledgement, explanation or apology! That’s what rings alarm bells for me. Expects her to suck it up as though she’s no one. Because clearly, she IS no one.
Change of plan. Dismissed. End of.

Fuck. That.