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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP going on holiday on my birthday!

132 replies

Putia · 09/06/2022 20:52

DP and I have been together for 18 months, and so far, our relationship has been pretty flawless. We haven't had so much as a cross word. I have been in some pretty shitty relationships in the past, and as such, I have learnt to value my worth and be with a partner who appreciates and prioritises me. I don't mind being on my own, so I guess my standards are quite high. I really love DP, and up until now, I would have said we are perfect for each other.

My birthday is next month. His birthday was a few months ago and I made a huge fuss of him. I love spoiling my loved ones, taking care of them, making them feel special. In fairness, on my last birthday, he did the same. A few months ago, DP booked a 7 day holiday with friends for the week before my birthday. Half of the group are coming back on the dates preceding my birthday, the other half are staying for a few days extra and coming back after my birthday. DP assured me that he would be returning with the first half of the group and so would be back in time for my birthday, and I could go ahead and book some things in, so I booked us a spa and hotel break. He has now announced, tonight, that he actually wants to come back with the second group and therefore will be missing my birthday, and has suggested I take someone else on the spa and hotel break. Understandably, I am upset, not only because I feel let down and not prioritised, but also because I booked the spa break and hotel with a romantic getaway in mind. I am left in the position of finding someone to come to a spa break in a few weeks time. All of my friends are mums to young children or babies, so it is doubtful I will find anyone.

I honestly feel like - at 18 months in - is this as good as it gets? I had dreams of us spending our future together (he said he wants that to), but I feel his actions to be very selfish, inconsiderate and off putting.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Hollipolly · 10/06/2022 06:47

@Putia so you have paid for your own birthday treat for the 2 of you? Red 🚩 🚩

Cherrysoup · 10/06/2022 06:51

You aren’t overreacting, he’s repeatedly told you to book it, told you he’d come back after 7 days now turned round and decided he’d rather spend the extra days with his mates. Bang out of order getting you to book the spa then changing his mind. I’d be really pissed off. What else will he do in future?

pictish · 10/06/2022 06:52

To add, the birthday element is a red herring really. Even if this were a pre-arranged unrelated weekend away, discussed, agreed, paid for…I’d still be appalled at the brush off with no apology.
I’m sure he wouldn’t have been so casual with the OP’s time and feelings back when they first got together…back when he was playing his part. Now he feels secure with his feet under the table and OP hooked in, he can treat her with disdain.

XmasElf10 · 10/06/2022 06:53

That would be a dealbreaker for me. Not the fact that he is away over my birthday but the fact that he made plans with me, I booked stuff and now he has changed his mind and made plans with others. Not cool!

SummerWhisper · 10/06/2022 06:56

He is a coward to do this by text because he knows he is a shit. What is the itinerary for the extra 3 days...strip clubs? If it's just an extra 3 days drinking and playing pool with Dave, Mick and Ryan, what's the appeal? Are any women going? Or is it the white stuff?

I would ghost him from this point forward. You aren't worth his time, don't give him any more of yours.

balalake · 10/06/2022 07:00

I think your dreams have been shattered. I think he intended the longer break all along.

boogiewithasuitcase · 10/06/2022 07:12

So sorry, OP, that your plans were made and agreed to then cancelled right out of the blue.

If he is not going to give you any more explanation or an apology then I don't see why he deserves your spending any more of your time on him. Daffodil

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/06/2022 07:17

The way that he’s done this is horrible. The fait accompli and with no discussion or apology. He doesn’t seem to be a safe bet if you are intending to settle down and perhaps start a family as it sounds as though he expects to be put first.

Merryclaire · 10/06/2022 07:20

This definitely sounds like he’s not into the relationship anymore. Sorry, but you might need to cut your losses.

44PumpLane · 10/06/2022 07:24

Like others on the thread, if it was just about him being present on your birthday so you could do something I'd say YABU.

But that's not the case here. You have made specific plans on your birthday that he agreed to and encouraged and now he is ditching you as he wants a longer break. He is still getting his holiday with friends too, if the 10 days had been so important to him from the start he could have talked to you and discussed doing your birthday the weekend after and encouraging you to do something with friends on the actual day.

YANBU at all to be angry and upset by the cavalier way he is disgarding your pre existing plans/booking to extend his lads holiday. (My DH has been away on holiday with the lads over my birthday before, and I think that's fine, but I would be angry if he did what you're describing).

Honestly at 18 months in he's telling you where you sit within his priorities.

SkankingWombat · 10/06/2022 07:30

YANBU. I would be quite disappointed if DH was upfront from the beginning and chose to miss my birthday, but would book in other nice things and expect him to plan something for us once he got home. The deal breaker is reneging on your agreed plans, and given you should still be in the honeymoon phase of your relationship, I'd be calling it a day. You figure very low on his priority list. I like the PPs suggestion of choosing another man to accompany you (even if fictitious for the purposes of dumping him):
"No worries, problem solved! Dave has said he's free on those dates despite the short notice, so I'll go with him."

ThreeonaHill · 10/06/2022 07:34

I don't think being away for your birthday is a huge deal, if that's the way the dates fall you can celebrate on his return, but changing the plans after you've booked something together is outrageous.

However, I do wonder how "on board" he was in the first place if you had to book your own birthday

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 10/06/2022 07:37

I agree with others that it’s not the fact that he’s going to be away for your birthday - as grown-ups we deal with such things - but it’s the way he handled it that’s not on. I’d be first asking him to explain why he thought what he’d done was ok (it’s just bad manners!) and then re-evaluate the relationship based on his response to that.

Chasingsquirrels · 10/06/2022 07:40

Given the circumstances - he is bailing on arrangements with you, I don't think you are being unreasonable and I wonder whether this is his way of opting out of the relationship?

I've just had my 50th, my DP of 4 years goes on motorbike holidays with a group of friends and last autumn (having not been able to go since 2019 and being for the 60th birthday of one of them) they were arranging a 2 week trip - leaving very early on the Saturday morning the day after my birthday. When I mentioned it was my 50th DP immediately said he wouldn't go. I told him not to be so ridiculous & meant it. He came over briefly on the Friday evening of my birthday to see me (and leave his Great Dane who I am looking after for him) and then went home to be ready for his trip.
I'm fine with all that as it was prearranged but I wouldn't be fine with the circumstances you've described.

BellePeppa · 10/06/2022 07:45

I’m afraid this would be a bit of a red flag to me. Maybe the beginning of taking you for granted and the first of future let downs. If he’s quite dismissive of you being upset I’d think very carefully about your future.

RockinHorseShit · 10/06/2022 07:47

He'd be an ex.

I'm also not precious over my birthday, but this is all kinds of not prioritising you & letting you down without a second thought. Feck that shit. Plus at only 18 months in, you & your birthday is very low on his priority list. That only gets worse. Find a better model, you clearly don't need this shit

Buildingthefuture · 10/06/2022 07:50

This is black and white for me. He has made a point, several times, of telling you he’ll be present for your birthday. He obviously knows it’s important to you. Then with no communication, he just changes that, even though he knows you’ve made plans for the pair of you? Nope. Throw this one back. Just tell him that his actions fully reflect his lack of commitment to you and your relationship. Goodbye, the end. I’m sorry op, it’s shit, but better you find out now.

dottiedodah · 10/06/2022 07:56

He sounds quite immature to me .I never get the whole no big deal it's my birthday so what brigade.if you love someone why would you not want to celebrate another year on with them. I think it's shoddy behaviour , maybe rethink your rl at this point. Doesn't bode well. If u have a child would he not be available for feeds ,nappies and so on ?

Belatedeyebrows · 10/06/2022 07:58

Mate, I'll go to the spa with you. I could with five minutes rest Grin

IncompleteSenten · 10/06/2022 07:59

If you hadn't mentioned it's for your birthday I guarantee you'd have been told yanbu, 100%.

He arranged something special with you, got you to book it, repeatedly assured you he would be back, booked it in his calender then at the last minute told you take someone else, I've changed my mind and I'm staying an extra 3 days on my lads' holiday.

How is that ok just because it's your birthday?

Aprilx · 10/06/2022 08:01

I opened the thread definitely thinking that I would be posting that you are a bit precious and maybe the rest of the friend group could only go away on days that included your birthday. And yes I am even one of those that doesn’t go overboard on adult holidays.

But with the full story, nope this is not on at all, something is not right here. Sounds like he maybe even lied all along as I have never found changing my holiday dates that easy to do. I would wonder if he is stepping back from the relationship even as this is really a very poor way to behave towards somebody you are in a relationship with.

Herejustforthisone · 10/06/2022 08:43

CraftyGin · 09/06/2022 21:00

YABU - you are not a child.

I wish people would fuck off with this sort of comment.

Wanting to celebrate your own birthday and feel special for a single day is not childish.

Being upset because your boyfriend said he’ll be back, urged you to book something for you both (bit shit seeing as it’s her birthday but bigger picture), and then decided he wanted to stay on his lads holiday longer and binned off your birthday plans, is not childish.

IRunbecauseILikeCake · 10/06/2022 08:46

CraftyGin · 09/06/2022 21:00

YABU - you are not a child.

He's her partner. Of all the people in your life who you expect to give a toss about your birthday, I'd say your significant other falls at number one

Itloggedmeoutagain · 10/06/2022 08:57

I would be upset by this
It's not about the birthday it's about changing plans with no thought

L0bstersLass · 10/06/2022 09:08

@Putia
DP: Ah okay, no worries, I am not bothered about staying for 10 days anyway. I will come back with the half of the group who are leaving after 7. Go ahead and find something you'd like to do for your birthday weekend and book it.

This is also interesting. Why would it be up to you to book something for your birthday? Why didn't he do that?
Sorry, but I think he's not that interested. I wouldn't waste any more time on him.
He's given you two very clear messages as to how important he thinks you are in his life.

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