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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at the reason for not being asked to be Godmother?

130 replies

wildchild88 · 09/06/2022 14:35

My best friend of 14 years is the godson to my eldest. She would've been bridesmaid at my wedding etc. She had a baby last year and hasn't asked me to be godmother. At that I could've been a bit hurt but got over it.
I had a baby myself a few months before her.
She said the reason she didn't ask me was because "her partners parents take it seriously and I've got enough on my plate"
I left my abusive ex 6 months ago and took our children with me. She's chosen someone who has no children but is married. I mean I'm sure she's a lovely woman and has done a lot for her little boy since he was born but it just feels like a kick in the teeth of "we would've chose you but your life is too chaotic to think you're responsible enough to leave our son to"
I haven't said anything and I won't cos I don't want to cause any arguments or not worth it, but.. AIBU to be upset? Had a little cry to myself about it.

OP posts:
balalake · 09/06/2022 14:36

Thoughtless comment, no wonder you are upset.

SweatyChamoisPad · 09/06/2022 14:38

That’s not the meaning of a godparent - to look after someone’s kids if they die. You have godparents to take responsibility for the child’s spiritual education if something happens to their parents. It’s why catholic children must have a catholic godparent. Either she or you are defining “godparent” incorrectly really.

Vsirbdo · 09/06/2022 14:39

Is it about being actively religious? The taking it seriously part makes me wonder if that’s what she meant

Original poster
wildchild88 · 09/06/2022 14:39

No, neither of them are religious at all. I think they're understanding is it's who would have the child should they die.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 09/06/2022 14:40

She said the reason she didn't ask me was because "her partners parents take it seriously and I've got enough on my plate"

What does this mean? Do you think it’s because you’re not married because it doesn’t sound like she is either? They can’t be that traditional.

Sorry you’re upset.

It’s possible she thinks you’ve got too much on your plate as it’s early days since leaving your ex.

SweatyChamoisPad · 09/06/2022 14:40

What I would add is, the person I’d ask to take on my kids if anything happened to me, is different from a godparent. The stepping in as surrogate parents candidates don’t go to church but I would want me children to grow up catholic and to have someone to talk to about it.

PurpleDaisies · 09/06/2022 14:41

it just feels like a kick in the teeth of "we would've chose you but your life is too chaotic to think you're responsible enough to leave our son to"

She didn’t say this though? It sounds like you do have a lot on your plate at the moment and maybe she thought she was being kind and considerate even if what she said was a bit blunt. For someone who’s been a good long term friend, I’d give them the benefit of the doubt and try and assume they weren’t trying to hurt you.

WhatdoImean · 09/06/2022 14:41

Question - when they say "take it seriously" is it possible that she was referring to being religious? Many people are not these days, and see a Christening (and God Parents) as a nice to have, rather than a religious ceremony.

I have no idea if you are religious at all, or if you would have taken your responsibilities "seriously", but could it be this that she is concerned about?

PurpleDaisies · 09/06/2022 14:41

wildchild88 · 09/06/2022 14:39

No, neither of them are religious at all. I think they're understanding is it's who would have the child should they die.

This isn’t what happens any more.

Original poster
wildchild88 · 09/06/2022 14:42

She said that her partner's parents said they had to choose carefully about who they chose as godparents. They didn't want me as I 'have enough on my plate' (single mother to 2 children, going through a separation) and they didn't want me having the responsibility of being Godparent to their child.

OP posts:
BringBackCoffeeCreams · 09/06/2022 14:42

wildchild88 · 09/06/2022 14:39

No, neither of them are religious at all. I think they're understanding is it's who would have the child should they die.

That's not at all what being a godparent means. It's very strange that either of you think that. Being a godparent is about supporting that child in their Christian faith. It has nothing to do with whether the parents are alive or dead.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/06/2022 14:42

wildchild88 · 09/06/2022 14:39

No, neither of them are religious at all. I think they're understanding is it's who would have the child should they die.

You mean a legal guardian (or she does), not a godparent. I’m a legal guardian to a friends daughter, neither of us is religious so I’m not a godparent. It’s a massive decision who’ll have your kids if you die, it deserves serious consideration not a sentimental reciprocity gesture so given your recent trauma I think she’s probably right. If she and her partner got hit by a bus tomorrow could you really take on her baby as well as yours and your older DC?

Aquamarine1029 · 09/06/2022 14:43

wildchild88 · 09/06/2022 14:39

No, neither of them are religious at all. I think they're understanding is it's who would have the child should they die.

I think it's because her partner's parents are religious.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/06/2022 14:44

wildchild88 · 09/06/2022 14:42

She said that her partner's parents said they had to choose carefully about who they chose as godparents. They didn't want me as I 'have enough on my plate' (single mother to 2 children, going through a separation) and they didn't want me having the responsibility of being Godparent to their child.

You must see their point?

Original poster
wildchild88 · 09/06/2022 14:46

I'm not sure if her partners parents are religious or not, I wasn't aware of it if they were.
When I chose her to be Godparent she was single and living with her mum but I didn't even think about that, I just thought she was my best friend and I wanted her to be godmother.
I see the point in my having a lot on my plate so obviously it wouldn't be the best time to take on another child, but it's not like I chose to be in an abusive relationship so it almost feels like if I hadn't had such an arsehole ex she would've chose me.

OP posts:
WhatdoImean · 09/06/2022 14:47

Apologies for the post - cross-posted with an answer from you about them not being religious. Sorry!

godmum56 · 09/06/2022 14:49

Its not a tit for tat or oldest friend thing....also its not just her choice, the child has a father who also has a say. I agree her attempt at an explanation was clumsy but honestly OP I think you are overreacting...its not like "she should share her cake cos I shared my chocolate bar"

GreyTS · 09/06/2022 14:51

I'm so confused 😐 do you mean godparent, as in stands beside you in a church and promises to support the child's spiritual or religious life.....or a legal guardian, named as such in their wills/have made an actual legal document detailing an agreement to raise this child in the event of the parents untimely death? Because those are the options here, you can just say 'you're my child's godparent' and they automatically inherit' the child 😂

Karatema · 09/06/2022 14:52

wildchild88 · 09/06/2022 14:39

No, neither of them are religious at all. I think they're understanding is it's who would have the child should they die.

Being a godparent doesn't mean you'll automatically be considered in the sad event. My will stated (they are adults now) my DB would be guardian to my DC, not their godparents.
I understand your upset though.

GreyTS · 09/06/2022 14:52

Sorry 'can't' not can

hashtagjubilee · 09/06/2022 14:54

But also if she is godmother to your child then you already have that link between you? The bond between her family and yours?

Confusion101 · 09/06/2022 14:56

I think you are over reacting a little. There comes an added expense with being a godparent, more pressure to buy gifts, to treat them, etc. Maybe that's the added pressure she didn't want to put on u! I understand u might feel hurt, but on the flip side I hate that because u asked her u feel it is expected that she asks u.

hashtagjubilee · 09/06/2022 14:56

None of my kids godparents are who would look after my kids if we both die - I would like them to stay in contact with their godparents but not live with them
That's my sister (and yes I chose one sibling over 3 other siblings on both sides, so they may be pissed off too)

hashtagjubilee · 09/06/2022 14:56

Confusion101 · 09/06/2022 14:56

I think you are over reacting a little. There comes an added expense with being a godparent, more pressure to buy gifts, to treat them, etc. Maybe that's the added pressure she didn't want to put on u! I understand u might feel hurt, but on the flip side I hate that because u asked her u feel it is expected that she asks u.

This too.

TabithaTittlemouse · 09/06/2022 14:57

Are you religious?