To be upset at the reason for not being asked to be Godmother?

[wildchild88]

My best friend of 14 years is the godson to my eldest. She would've been bridesmaid at my wedding etc. She had a baby last year and hasn't asked me to be godmother. At that I could've been a bit hurt but got over it.
I had a baby myself a few months before her.
She said the reason she didn't ask me was because "her partners parents take it seriously and I've got enough on my plate"
I left my abusive ex 6 months ago and took our children with me. She's chosen someone who has no children but is married. I mean I'm sure she's a lovely woman and has done a lot for her little boy since he was born but it just feels like a kick in the teeth of "we would've chose you but your life is too chaotic to think you're responsible enough to leave our son to"
I haven't said anything and I won't cos I don't want to cause any arguments or not worth it, but.. AIBU to be upset? Had a little cry to myself about it.

If you and she believe godparent means who looks after the child if the parents die (not my understanding btw) then surely it makes sense that it would be family ie grandparents rather than you?

Your friend and her partner can choose who they want and they don't need to give others an explanation as to why they aren't going to be their baby's godparent. Maybe her explanation wasn't good but it wasn't necessary either, she must have felt like she owed you an explanation for some reason. Even if you choose a friend to be your baby's godparent it doesn't mean that they then must choose you as their baby's godparent. I would just leave it and try not to give it another thought, the decision has been made and i'm sure you'll still be a big part of her baby's life godparent or not. Don't let it spoil a friendship.

So the child's father has no opinion op? He also gets a say who to choose. 🙄

I think you need to take another look at this dispassionately.
Who people pick to be their child's godparents is up to them. It doesn't need to affect your friendship and you don't need to be offended.
You can still be a caring support to their child. Lots of kids couldn't tell you who their godparents are.
My friend made a comment about DH being her oldest child's godparent the other day. He definitely isn't - I remember the christening!
These things are irrelevant and your relationship to the child doesn't have to be affected by this.

I agree with this.

Godparents are guardians are not the same thing. But the fact that you think that having her child after she dies is something you are somehow owed because you made her your child's godparent would be enough to render you unsuitable in my eyes.

It's a big serious decision, and she has the right to choose whoever she wants, on whatever basis she wants. Children are people, not objects to be bestowed.

Total over reaction and twisting what she said.

What role did you want for her to perform, as godparent to your eldest? What does she actually do now?

What role does she want from her choice?

As others have said - a godparent is not a de facto legal guardian.

And presumably you don’t think that either, as you say she’s godparent to your eldest. So presumably not to your youngest. So your plan if you died was for them to be split up between friends?

Like bridesmaid, for those are not religious, it’s just a meaningless title used to say, “you’re my bestie!”. Kind of like Y4s and BFF necklaces.

As someone who is often left out of things because i "have so much on my plate" I agree with you, it hurts.

But as someone who has been to Christenings and often thought wow, I couldn't in all honesty promise to do the exact things you agree to do to be a godparent, I see your friends point too, if taken seriously (as it should be, otherwise whats the point) its quite a hefty commitment.

Its who you think can commit to the religious aspects, to supporting your child's religious life, not a popularity contest and nothing at all to do with who you would nominate as guardians for your children upon your death.

She's chosen someone who has no children but is married. I mean I'm sure she's a lovely woman

What does the fact she has no children have to do with anything 🤔

Common misconception about godparents being same as guardians. OP if you died and there was no father on the scene it doesn't mean your friend gets your kids or even just the one she is godmother too. That's a whole different thing! Sure how would that work bearing in mind that children have different godparents usually so if someone had 3 kids and both parents died each kid went to a different person, not the way it works!

This is why everyone should have a will made and guardians appointed just in case and they don't have to be godparents which is an entirely religious role.

You are way overreacting here. Your friend is being sensible. It sounds like you don’t know what a godparent actually is/does. And you have got a lot on your plate - your friend is being thoughtful.

I'd be extremely surprised if that's what they mean

Is she having a religious ceremony? If you have your child Baptised in Church the Godparents (and Parents) have to stand up and declare their faith and belief in God.

I have a Godchild. When she was born I bought her a Bible. When she made her Sacraments (in the RC church) I sent her age appropriate books about God. I pray for her regularly. I believe that I am fulfilling my role as her Godmother in helping to be an influence to gently steer her towards Christ.

That's what it is about and those are the promises I made at her Christening a decade ago. If you don't plan to be that person, and will be lying when you promise to nurture the child's love for Jesus and understanding of the Gospel, then what's the point? I get that it's a status thing these days, but that's not what it's really about.

However, I am sorry that you feel hurt by it and see that it would sting somewhat when you look at it as some kind of cultural rite of passage. It hurts to feel rejected and I'm not trying to be harsh. Nonetheless, the real reason for being a Godparent is very different to how society often perceives it.

IMO the role of godparent has been confused and people see it almost like. Being asked to be a bridesmaid at someone’s wedding. Like a statement that you’re a mate so suitable as a godparent.

As said above, a Godparet is someone who has an input into the child’s spiritual upbringing, it’s not something to be done just because you’re her friend.

And tbh most people who aren’t religious and have a christening do so for the party afterwards. After all if you don’t believe in God then you don’t actually intend to bring up your child in the eyes of God so what’s the point really?

I can totally see why you’re hurt and disappointed by this decision. They can select who they wish, and parental views if a traditional or religious family may factor heavily, but they could have been kinder in their explanation perhaps.

Yes, there's three options really:

• the whole shebang of taking a child after they die
• religious guidance
• the sort of "bonus aunt" appropriation atheists use

"Tit for tat" godparent choices adds a whole other dimension. I think that you're looking for her to judge you when just as equally she could be being supportive.

I'm a bridesmaid at the moment for a friend who has occasionally messaged me to give me the heads up when one or more of the others is too preoccupied to deal with hen party stuff and no doubt she's done the same to the others about me.

Friendship isn't just about sharing the honours, it's about appreciating that we don't always have the same amount to give, and that's fine.

That's not what a godparent is!

If they aren't religious at all, why are they even having their child baptised? None of it makes sense.

Are you religious and would you want to have the responsibility of guiding this child in their spirituality?

Godparent does not mean taking a child after the parents die, that is old fashioned shit advice.

You have Wills for that.

God parents either support the child's religious growth if you are that way inclined, or they are a named person on the day that means nothing once the kid get about 2.

Yes, agree with PPs - you are not understanding this correctly.

If they are religious (or his parents are), a godparent is someone who will support the child in the way they grow in their religion and their relationship with God. Ideally, this person would also act as a sort of parental figure to the child, as a support and sounding board etc.

If they are not religious but are choosing to do a traditional godparent (DH's family are not religious but they take godparents very seriously, so we are in this category), a godparent is someone you would like to play an active role in your child's life, to support them and love them.

Neither scenario assumes the god parent would become the child's guardian. I and not particularly religious. My sister is. I am not a godparent to her children. I AM however, their legal guardian should anything happen to her and her DH.

I do understand why you might be upset. But not being godmother does not preclude you having a relationship with her children. And if his family have quite set roles for godparents, then I can understand that they might not feel you're in a position to have that type of relationship with this child. Certainly, in DH's family, this relationship is so important and now, years later, I appreciate it a lot - both of my DC get such a lot from their respective godparents (mostly).

Sounds to me that the grandparents want someone well off as god parent and think rightly or wrongly that your being a single parent meant a you might not be as generous financially to your god child as a wealthier person might be.

Eh? How on earth did you get to that thought?

I was rejected as my nephew and neices' godparent as I didn't have an illustrious enough career and I wouldn't be able to help the kids network when I was older. (SIL's view,). I was quite put out.

Ironically, most of them have had fairly significant mental health issues and I'm a psychologist.so I my vested interest might have genuinely been quite helpful. Probably more helpful than the bunch of bankers I think they ended up with.

But I'm also a total atheist so have no interest in doing godly godparent duties.

She chose someone with no DCs so it may be that even if you were married, she wouldn't have picked you because her and her DP (it will have been a joint decision so not just up) wanted someone with no dependents.

I do think some people do use the term "godparent" and "guardian if I should die" interchangeably. It seems as of OP and her friend are not religious so to them the term means "guardian should I die".

I agree with the above poster who says that people sometimes see the godparents as being like your maid of honor or bridesmaid. Friendship should not be the first and foremost reason you would give someone guardianship of you child. I would not make MY best friend my daughter's guardian. She is single, on a low wage, in rented accommodation, and doesn't like children. I do hope that someday she can take on a fun aunt role and teach my daughter about her many cool interests and be a great moral example for her. Although she loves my daughter, she would not be a good fit. My daughter's guardians in the event of my death are her grandparents, and when she (and they) get older, we will change it to some friends of ours who have kids her age, a stable marriage, a safe and loving home, and similar values to us. They are already "godparents" for several other people as well, they're a good choice!

It sounds like you DO have a lot on your plate right now, if you friend passed tomorrow would you find it easy to suddenly take on the responsibility of another child? She doesn't owe you this, even though you chose her for that role, and yes, as others have said, her husband also gets a say. Being a godparent/guardian is not a prize for being a good friend. I'm sorry her comment (which was certainly tactless) hurt your feelings, your difficult separation will certainly be contributing to your low mood and I hope things get better for you soon.

If you want to leave your child to someone if you die, then you make a will, this has nothing to do with being a godparent.

if it was, a person would pick the same godparent for all of their children, why would they want them to be split up?

godparent means taking them to church, and usually buying better gifts for them. Sorry you are upset.