To be upset at the reason for not being asked to be Godmother?

[wildchild88]

My best friend of 14 years is the godson to my eldest. She would've been bridesmaid at my wedding etc. She had a baby last year and hasn't asked me to be godmother. At that I could've been a bit hurt but got over it.
I had a baby myself a few months before her.
She said the reason she didn't ask me was because "her partners parents take it seriously and I've got enough on my plate"
I left my abusive ex 6 months ago and took our children with me. She's chosen someone who has no children but is married. I mean I'm sure she's a lovely woman and has done a lot for her little boy since he was born but it just feels like a kick in the teeth of "we would've chose you but your life is too chaotic to think you're responsible enough to leave our son to"
I haven't said anything and I won't cos I don't want to cause any arguments or not worth it, but.. AIBU to be upset? Had a little cry to myself about it.

You're confusing 'godparent' and 'guardian'. Anyway if she died wouldn't her husband have her child?

SweatyChamoisPad · Today 14:38

That’s not the meaning of a godparent - to look after someone’s kids if they die. You have godparents to take responsibility for the child’s spiritual education if something happens to their parents. It’s why catholic children must have a catholic godparent. Either she or you are defining “godparent” incorrectly really.

There is no such thing as a catholic child. Only a child who is being indoctrinated by catholics.

Your feelings are valid and I understand why you're upset! It must be tough to feel like someone is saying you're not strong enough when I'm sure you've demonstrated massive strength in your life recently!

Hopefully though you can see that your friend was speaking from a place of care, and that it's not her decision alone but her whole family's to make! Maybe have a conversation with her about how her comment made you feel, but bear in mind that her decision will probably stay the same

I think it's to do with different understandings of what a godparent's role is, OP, not anything personal.

My understanding has always been that it's to do with religion, hence my DC have no godparents. However, we do have lovely friends who have always been involved with them, and who are valuable sources of advice and support. If XH and I had both died, my sister would have had our children. I wouldn't even have wanted them to go to his family, never mind an 'outsider'.

My son's godmother has no children of her own and isn't married. She has always remembered events and taken an interest in his progress. She stumped up with a cash sum when he was at university saying that she knew all sorts of expenses cropped up. She has the time and space to take an interest because she isn't weighed down with all sorts of other responsibilities. She has taken it on the chin that her godson turned out to be an atheist! I have to say the married godparents have their own children to see to and I'm sure hardly remember they were godparents.

To be a godmother in my faith you must be christened in a Christian church - we don't require it to be our particular faith - but it must be Christian. Taking it seriously might meant that they require somebody who is christened and ideally a practising Christian to be a godmother.

PP’s have already said this, but have copied this from a family law website:

Many parents assume that if they have appointed a godparent for their child, that the godparent will be able to step in to take care of the children if they were to die, but this is not the case.

A godparent’s role is a moral and religious one; it is the role of a ‘sponsor’ and being named as a godparent to a child does not create a legal relationship between the godparent and the child. If both a child’s parents were to die the godparent would not automatically become the child’s guardian.

A guardian's role, on the other hand, is a legal one. If both of a child’s parents were to die whilst a child is a minor (under 18 years of age), the guardian would have legal rights and obligations in respect of the child.

……………………..

Sorry you are upset OP.

I agree with @thecatsthecats' three categories of godparent and really, I think you chose her in the bonus auntie category. It doesn't sound like you really were thinking hard about whether she was the best person to look after your kids if you were to die:
When I chose her to be Godparent she was single and living with her mum but I didn't even think about that, I just thought she was my best friend and I wanted her to be godmother.
It sounds to me like you expected (understandably) that she would return the honour, but her partner's parents believe (erroneously) that a godparent is the person who would look after the child if the parents died and that they should think this through carefully. Assuming that your friend has taken this on board, then maybe the person she has chosen really is the best person for that role, at least in their opinion.
Like everyone else said, that's not what a godparent is though.

Thanks all. I haven't said anything to her and I won't as I say I didn't think it's worth risking a friendship. I didn't ask her for an explanation she just gave me it. Thank you all for helping me look at it from a few different perspectives.. I think with everything that's happened recently I sort of easily get upset.

It's understandable that you are upset and she phrased things badly. It's possible too that you are feeling a bit sensitive and may be inferring something that wasn't actually meant.

I was to be a godparent to a child in my extended family and at the last minute, someone else was chosen. But it's not the end of the world.

As others have said, it's mostly an honorary role. It does not mean that the child would be yours to care for, should anything happen. Perhaps thinking of it that way might help you to feel better about it.

I think you've misunderstood and her partners parents are religious and have put pressure on them to choose practicing/believing Godparents. I'm guessing you are not practicing and your friend used you being busy as an excuse. Or they wanted a certain set of Godparents for some other reason and rather admit it have made up an excuse.

If you equating god parents to guardians then I think your being slightly unreasonable but I get why you’re hurt.
We thought long and hard about who we would want to look after our children if we both died. We did not pick our ‘best friends’ instead we picked close friends whose parenting style most aligned to ours. I’m sorry to say that did include family stability (obviously i am aware things might change). As time goes by we will periodically reevaluate this.

@Dahlietta I think you've hit the nail on the head there with that perspective. Thank you

In the nicest way, it sounds like you DO have a lot on your plate.

This isn't about how good of a friend you are, or how close you are, or anything like that. This is about someone who is in a position to give a child all the love, care and attention they need if they're parents are suddenly not there anymore. That's a big job and she is thinking of her child.

So with all respect, I do think YABU - out of the two options I would also want my child to go to the stable couple in the worst case scenario. I can see why you're hurt but you have to realise this doesn't reflect on how she feels about you, it's simply in the child's best interest.

She said that her partner's parents said they had to choose carefully about who they chose as godparents. They didn't want me as I 'have enough on my plate' (single mother to 2 children, going through a separation) and they didn't want me having the responsibility of being Godparent to their child.
A godparent is not a legal guardian so you having a lot on your plate is irrelevant. Historically there was a religious aspect to godparents (as mentioned upthread) but most people nowadays choose people as a gesture of goodwill & most modern godparents have to do no more than remember birthdays!
Imo your friend is being silly & has been unnecessarily hurtful & personally I would call her out on it as her excuse is quite frankly bs. She's being swayed by her in laws & obviously doesn't understand that godparents do not take a child if the parents die UNLESS they are also appointed legal guardians.

Even if the role of godparent was to take guardianship of the children should both parents die, it sounds as though they have chosen someone who is much better placed to fulfil that role than you are. A single parent with an abusive ex is probably not best placed to raise a traumatised child. We chose childfree friends for exactly this reason as we thought it would be unfair to expect anyone to compromise their relationship with their own children to raise ours.

We wanted people who would be able to devote themselves to caring for our kids if we weren't there to do it ourselves, including things like moving into our house, giving up work etc - can you honestly say that you would be in a position to do that kind of thing?

There's a lot of discussion about the meaning of 'godparent' on here. I think the word has been adopted by non-religious people to mean someone who would take on a child if their parents were to pass away. It's obvious this is what OP means as she states this is non-religious.

@wildchild88, you are more than welcome! I bet if she had chosen from the bonus auntie category, she would have chosen you too. Assuming everything else is still okay between you, just be the bonus auntie anyway

Why do you keep talking about “taking on another child”? That is not what a godparent is for, the child isn’t going to be handed over to you because you sat in some ceremony when he or she was a few months old. You both seem to have some very strange misunderstandings.

My DSis was upset when we didn't ask her to be DD godmother.

Neither DSis nor I have been christened and she is not religious. I am an atheist and would have preferred not to have DD christened. But it was important to DH and his religious mum so he chose his sister and her husband. They are all Catholic so he kept to that faith.

I explained all this to DSis. She understood but still saw it as a snub even though it really wasn't.

Yabu. Its not about your friendship. If it's about legal guardianship (I assume).

You do have enough on your plate, you know that deep down. Realistically who are her kids better off with? You would be 1 person splitting yourself across 3 kids. Youd need to move yours to a new home to accommodate them. They would stay with you while yours visits possibly their das or dads relatives- your kid will be upsetting perceiving to be packed off every other weekend while you and the other 2 spend time together. Its not an ideal dynamic, especially when their is another choice.

I'm a bit baffled by this assumption though - I only know a couple of people where both parents died leaving a dependent child (thankfully it's not that common) and in both cases the child went to family; actually, in both cases, the maternal grandparents. I would guess that most people would expect family to be the first choice in that circumstance - when foster care is needed the assumption seems to be that family are the first port of call for social services. I never see anyone pick grandparents as godparents, and it seems to be less common to pick other family members than friends - are people really expecting their friends to raise their children if needed? People seem quite often to pick a few different friends - are they expecting it be a timeshare arrangement?!

When people refer to 'godparents' in this sense is it just something they announce, or do they have a christening ceremony? Our church was pretty clear about what godparents are (though I did know beforehand) and I find it hard to imagine you could hold a christening and think at the end that you'd appointed a legal guardian?

@Hardbackwriter - spot on!

I'm not saying your friend is like this, but some people deliberately choose the settled childless as godparents because they see them as a source of money, either during their relationship with the offspring, or by leaving them all their money when they die. "Well, they've got no-one else to leave it to, have they?"

Before anyone has a go at me for saying this, I've seen & heard it. It happens.

I bet most adults here have no idea who their Godparents are!
I also bet that most of us wouldn’t actually choose our best friends to look after our children if we should die. When my children were young, my best friends were amazing, but crazy!

I'm with you really...

I was a bit disgruntled when my best friend told me they'd chosen the husbands brother and wife to be the two god-parents. In the "in case I die" situation, it's actually my friends parents who will take their children on anyway... the brother and wife are "just" the traditional god-parents, despite all the adults being as godless as they come!

My friend had a LONG road to get pregnant, multiple rounds of IVF, a traumatic late-stage miscarriage, etc. I was there for it all. I was the first person invited round, after her own parents, to provide support and comfort.
With the children she now has, I see them at least once or twice a month, and am seen as auntie.

The people they chose as god-parents... the children maybe see once or twice a year. They've never had any sort of role in the kids day to day lives, and live 2 hours away.

I'm still pretty bemused by the choice, but I just took it on the chin. Was upset/annoyed about it though.