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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at the reason for not being asked to be Godmother?

130 replies

wildchild88 · 09/06/2022 14:35

My best friend of 14 years is the godson to my eldest. She would've been bridesmaid at my wedding etc. She had a baby last year and hasn't asked me to be godmother. At that I could've been a bit hurt but got over it.
I had a baby myself a few months before her.
She said the reason she didn't ask me was because "her partners parents take it seriously and I've got enough on my plate"
I left my abusive ex 6 months ago and took our children with me. She's chosen someone who has no children but is married. I mean I'm sure she's a lovely woman and has done a lot for her little boy since he was born but it just feels like a kick in the teeth of "we would've chose you but your life is too chaotic to think you're responsible enough to leave our son to"
I haven't said anything and I won't cos I don't want to cause any arguments or not worth it, but.. AIBU to be upset? Had a little cry to myself about it.

OP posts:
MountainClimber22 · 09/06/2022 17:49

Beautiful3 · 09/06/2022 17:46

Being God mother is a big thing. It means they become their legal guardian, when the parents are dead. Yrbu. Of course they choose the best person to look after their child, in an event.

🤣Think you are confused

Laurajane1987 · 09/06/2022 17:58

If you aren't religious there's no such thing as a god parent. A god parent is a person who takes on the responsibility along with yourself to spiritually support them and their religious education, yes they would take your child if you died but that's not their actual purpose. If you are not religious it's a glorified title usually given to good family friends, which generally is meaningless. She was clumsy with her comment but it's nothing I'd get upset over. Realistically if you died surely you wouldn't leave your kids to be raised by her? It would be a legal next of kin and or family not a friend?

MsTSwift · 09/06/2022 17:59

Who is putting about this nonsense that being a god parent means you are appointed legal guardian? It’s entirely false and second only to “common law wife” drivel. People need to inform themselves.

Bettethebuilder · 09/06/2022 18:00

yes they would take your child if you died

No, they wouldn’t. Unless you had named them in your will.

queenMab99 · 09/06/2022 18:01

I think that just coming out of an abusive relationship, your self esteem is low and you are emotionally vulnerable, it sounds to me that she is not criticising your life or ability to cope , but realises that you have quite enough to contend with, without worrying about other people's children. Don't take it to heart, just keep your chin up, you are doing well.

Leopardpj · 09/06/2022 18:01

I don’t think you are overreacting OP. I see why you are upset. A friend said something similar to me once, when I asked her why she hadn’t wanted me to be a bridesmaid, she was talking about me having a full on job and often missing stuff, and she didn’t mean to upset me, but I found it a bit upsetting that she had assumed I wouldn’t have made enough time for her.

Octomore · 09/06/2022 18:02

Bettethebuilder · 09/06/2022 17:33

I have never come across anyone who thinks that.

Show quote history

Me neither, and I'm also from a non-religious background.

People who aren't religious might name guardians in their will, but they don't generally christen/baptize their kids so godparents don't come into it.

LifesTooShortForYourNonsense · 09/06/2022 18:09

Why is anyone having a christening if they are not religious? 🤷‍♀️

DogInATent · 09/06/2022 18:10

The role of godparent does vary with culture. We're not godparents to our nephews as where they live the role of godparent does come with the expectation of stepping in to be guardian if anything should happen to the parents. It's not legally compulsory, but it's a bit societal expectation. We lived too far away to fulfil that role, and from the religious POV we were an unmarried atheist/lapsed couple, living in sin and not ashamed of the postcode.

SunnyLobelia · 09/06/2022 18:16

queenMab99 · 09/06/2022 18:01

I think that just coming out of an abusive relationship, your self esteem is low and you are emotionally vulnerable, it sounds to me that she is not criticising your life or ability to cope , but realises that you have quite enough to contend with, without worrying about other people's children. Don't take it to heart, just keep your chin up, you are doing well.

I think this as well. You are hurt, and i honestly do not think hurt or a snub was intended.

FWIW I discovered when the father of my only godchild was pissed that the reason he chose me is because we were quite wealthy at that time and he thought I would be 'good for an inheritance and gifts'.

[I am not saying that within a few months of this revelation I actually re-wrote my will to substantially reduce the intended gift - not saying that at all..... ]

Magda72 · 09/06/2022 18:17

I can't believe the amount of people telling the op she's being sensitive/has low self esteem etc.!

Her friend did a mean, insensitive thing & explained the whole thing in a mean, insensitive manner - and an incorrect manner assuming she hasn't also asked the godparents to be legal guardians!
Someone going through a hard time does not automatically turn them into a different person incapable of responsibility & op is not her abusive husband!
The least the friend could have done is given op the option. She could have asked up if she felt up to it!
Once again for those at the back - a godparent is NOT a legal guardian & would not be taking a child upon the death of it's parents unless they had also been made LEGAL guardians!

Hollipolly · 09/06/2022 18:17

I can see how your a bit offended but it's not a rule that your best friend must pick you to be God mother back.

My mum suggested my sister be God mother to my Son .. I choose my best friend. It's nothing personal but it was my choice and I had my reasons.

Hollipolly · 09/06/2022 18:18

LifesTooShortForYourNonsense · 09/06/2022 18:09

Why is anyone having a christening if they are not religious? 🤷‍♀️

For the cake!

SpideySensesIsALoadOfShit · 09/06/2022 18:22

Beautiful3 · 09/06/2022 17:46

Being God mother is a big thing. It means they become their legal guardian, when the parents are dead. Yrbu. Of course they choose the best person to look after their child, in an event.

This is complete and utter bollocks.

NewYorkLassie · 09/06/2022 18:24

wildchild88 · 09/06/2022 14:39

No, neither of them are religious at all. I think they're understanding is it's who would have the child should they die.

Then why on earth do they even have godparents for their kid?

Octomore · 09/06/2022 18:28

If the friends PILs are religious and take the godparent role seriously, it's likely they would have asked that only religious people be considered for the role.

Which would rule the OP out.

Johnnysgirl · 09/06/2022 18:33

wildchild88 · 09/06/2022 14:39

No, neither of them are religious at all. I think they're understanding is it's who would have the child should they die.

One or both of you has totally got the wrong end of the stick here...
Hmm

Johnnysgirl · 09/06/2022 18:35

Beautiful3 · 09/06/2022 17:46

Being God mother is a big thing. It means they become their legal guardian, when the parents are dead. Yrbu. Of course they choose the best person to look after their child, in an event.

Complete and utter hogwash. Why bother spouting this shite when you clearly haven't a clue?

Testina · 09/06/2022 18:41

@Beautiful3 why post utter shite like that?!

Magda72 · 09/06/2022 18:55

If the friends PILs are religious and take the godparent role seriously, it's likely they would have asked that only religious people be considered for the role.

Which would rule the OP out.

It's NONE of the PIL's business who gets chosen as godparents, guardians or anything else! And if the op's friend is prepared to bend to PIL's over making her own choices then she's a twit!

Johnnysgirl · 09/06/2022 19:03

Magda72 · 09/06/2022 18:55

If the friends PILs are religious and take the godparent role seriously, it's likely they would have asked that only religious people be considered for the role.

Which would rule the OP out.

It's NONE of the PIL's business who gets chosen as godparents, guardians or anything else! And if the op's friend is prepared to bend to PIL's over making her own choices then she's a twit!

She's an even bigger twit if she thinks her chosen Godparents are agreeing to be her child's legal guardians.

Octomore · 09/06/2022 19:40

Magda72 · 09/06/2022 18:55

If the friends PILs are religious and take the godparent role seriously, it's likely they would have asked that only religious people be considered for the role.

Which would rule the OP out.

It's NONE of the PIL's business who gets chosen as godparents, guardians or anything else! And if the op's friend is prepared to bend to PIL's over making her own choices then she's a twit!

It's not just the friend's decision though, is it? Her husband gets just as much of a say. And he may well agree with his parents that a godparent should be someone who can act as a religious guide.

Octomore · 09/06/2022 19:44

Whether its a godparent or a guardian, choosing the people who will have formal roles in your child's life is a big decision to many people. And they will give more consideration to it than to just do a reciprocal arrangement with a friend, with no thought regarding suitability.

Anonymous48 · 09/06/2022 21:51

Beautiful3 · 09/06/2022 17:46

Being God mother is a big thing. It means they become their legal guardian, when the parents are dead. Yrbu. Of course they choose the best person to look after their child, in an event.

That is complete nonsense. Where did you get that idea from?

Marotte · 09/06/2022 22:35

I think they're understanding is it's who would have the child should they die.

No, that's what you should be writing, if you have a preference, in your Will. It's not binding but it can be a helpful starting point for decisions to be made in the case of your untimely demise. But I am a bit confused at to why you are having a religious ceremony that requires godparents as you don't seem to be religious enough to know what they are for?!

Sounds to me as though your friend is dealing with difficult in-laws, be sympathetic. I don't think she meant to hurt you.