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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset at the reason for not being asked to be Godmother?

130 replies

wildchild88 · 09/06/2022 14:35

My best friend of 14 years is the godson to my eldest. She would've been bridesmaid at my wedding etc. She had a baby last year and hasn't asked me to be godmother. At that I could've been a bit hurt but got over it.
I had a baby myself a few months before her.
She said the reason she didn't ask me was because "her partners parents take it seriously and I've got enough on my plate"
I left my abusive ex 6 months ago and took our children with me. She's chosen someone who has no children but is married. I mean I'm sure she's a lovely woman and has done a lot for her little boy since he was born but it just feels like a kick in the teeth of "we would've chose you but your life is too chaotic to think you're responsible enough to leave our son to"
I haven't said anything and I won't cos I don't want to cause any arguments or not worth it, but.. AIBU to be upset? Had a little cry to myself about it.

OP posts:
Chikapu · 09/06/2022 16:16

I see the point in my having a lot on my plate so obviously it wouldn't be the best time to take on another child

Since when does being a godparent mean taking on another child? Isn't it at most doing a bit of babysitting and buying gifts at birthdays and Christmas? You seem to be overplaying the role somewhat.

SweatyChamoisPad · 09/06/2022 16:21

@GCRich oh get back under your bridge and troll somewhere else….

Bettethebuilder · 09/06/2022 16:32

Chikapu · 09/06/2022 16:16

I see the point in my having a lot on my plate so obviously it wouldn't be the best time to take on another child

Since when does being a godparent mean taking on another child? Isn't it at most doing a bit of babysitting and buying gifts at birthdays and Christmas? You seem to be overplaying the role somewhat.

But the OP is busy occupied with her own DC at what is a difficult time for her. Even thinking of yet another child to buy presents for and do babysitting for and take on outings might be tricky.

sickofthisnonsense · 09/06/2022 16:35

I'm a godparent - to me that's a religious title. It's about the spiritual education of the child. Supporting that throughout their lives. The Catholic Church expects at least 1 catholic godparent- anyone else is called something other than godparent in the eyes of the church.

We are also in several friends and families will to be legal guardians to their children if they become incapable or die. We always joked about a pandemic happening and us ending up with 8-10 kids! Never thinking it would be a reality.

Two very different things.

When considering God parents it was about who has the same religious belief system as us.

When considering legal guardians we looked at, in no order;

  1. Stability of the relationship/ marriage
  2. Capability- would they be able to take on our kids and give them stability emotionally and physically.
  3. Financial stability- although they'd get a chunk of money from our life insurance taking on two extra kids is expensive and you want to be able to trust that the kids would still be able to go to uni etc.
  4. Parenting style - do they have a similar style to us.
  5. Do the kids know them and like them.
  6. Support network- do they/ will they get on with our families and ensure ongoing relationships with them.
  7. Location- are the kids going to have to move.

It's a big decision and not one you make as a tit for tat gesture.

GCRich · 09/06/2022 16:38

SweatyChamoisPad · 09/06/2022 16:21

@GCRich oh get back under your bridge and troll somewhere else….

Do you believe in the existence of fascist children and communist children?

ClocksGoingBackwards · 09/06/2022 16:38

How much have you seen and interacted with her baby compared to the woman who has been chosen?

That’s probably your answer.

TheOriginalClownfish · 09/06/2022 16:48

We picked guardians in our family based on their own home set up, and their proximitiy to us, their capability to look after another child and the fact that they let us know that they would be happy to take on that responsibility.

They are financially able to take on another child, and ensure he's educated right to third level, there's room for him in their home, he would be around his own friends at school, wouldn't have to move, and they would ensure that our house a few doors down was maintained until DS was old enough to live in it himself. They'd probably rent it out and bank it for him, and not take a penny of it, knowing them.

He already went there after school a few days a week and is treated like the youngest of the family, one of their own, so it's not a new environment for him.
If the worst happened to us, they would ensure he thrived to the best of their ability, had every opportunity that their own kids have.

My sister would do the same, but the reason she wasn't picked was just purely geographical. If DS was orphaned overnight, to uproot him and move him to where she lives would be even more trauma and upheaval than if he went up the road to the cousins that he's like a baby brother to.

Honestly, I'd pause before I nominated someone who was in a recent abusive relationship to rear DS - and I say that as someone who was in an abusive relationship myself. Just because I look back having had years of working on figuring out why I was susceptible to that kind of relationship in the first place and see how much dysfunction there actually was in my life that I just didn't see as abnormal at the time. If it was years down the line and I could see you going on to have stability and a healthy relationship, sure. But not six months into your freedom.

oopsfellover · 09/06/2022 16:52

I can see why you’re hurt and hope you find a way to get over it soon. If pressure has come from parents, that might be a way not to
take it too personally. I was once asked to be godmother to a friend’s child, then when he was a few months old I discovered the christening had taken place! Guessing that they came under pressure to have Catholic (I’m not) godparents but nothing was ever said so that was a bit weird. I actually wasn’t too bothered though. Unless your friend really
does want a godparent to be prepared to step up as legal guardian (unlikely) there’s very little you can do as a godmother that you can’t do as a friend.

MountainClimber22 · 09/06/2022 16:58

Why do people who are not religious waste peoples time like this.

MountainClimber22 · 09/06/2022 16:58

Your friend, not you!

DaisyQuakeJohnson · 09/06/2022 17:05

I'm intrigued that a PP thinks most adults won't know who their godparents are. I assumed everyone would know.

Againstmachine · 09/06/2022 17:06

I refused to be a godparent as a atheist, it's not for me. And I personally don't have and godparents as I was never christened.

Moosake · 09/06/2022 17:07

She shouldn't have even bothered telling you

TabithaTittlemouse · 09/06/2022 17:08

You can still have a good relationship with the baby without guiding him towards Jesus or whatever.

PeanuttyButter · 09/06/2022 17:10

God parents look after the spiritual welfare of the child which usually means ensuring they love a good Christian life with a good influence. It's not 'who will look after my child if something happens' that's a guardian or guardianship. I'm currently pregnant and having the same discussions/arguments with DH. He isn't happy that I want my autistic (religious) brother as a godfather and not my (unreligious) younger brother who is gay and desperate for children. I do however plan to make my younger brother guardian if the worst were to happen.
I think there's two ways to go about it. You sulk and lose a friendship or you just take it for what it is and be a good friend and auntie to the baby.

TheOriginalClownfish · 09/06/2022 17:13

but it's not like I chose to be in an abusive relationship so it almost feels like if I hadn't had such an arsehole ex she would've chose me.

This is a good indication that you have a little ways to go in your own recovery though you've made great strides so far.

You say you didn't choose to be in an abusive relationship but...you did. We all did.

And figuring out the reasons we didn't see or recognise the early red flags that other women saw with the man involved, is a big part of our post-abuse awareness and growth towards healthy relationships that is a world away from the one you fled.

We also chose to stay past the early warning signs that other women who have healthier boundaries spotted and left. Or we stayed past the first instance of abuse. And as a result many of us slowly became trapped financially or with kids so even when you do realise, it's much more difficult to leave.

All of those may not feel like you chose it, and I remember feeling like it had 'happened' to me though no fault of my own but the hard truth of the matter is that my Ex wasn't all that subtle or especially gifted at covert abuse. He gave off early dodgy signals that other people better adjusted than me, clocked early on and steered clear of him, long before he could manipulate them. I had to recalibrate my thinking on relationships in order to see those same signals that were visible to others.

I'm not responsible for my abuse, neither are you but I do take the responsibility that I chose to ignore the red flags that were pretty much there from the beginning. I know I did, now. But I didn't know it then or for quite a while immediately after the relationship.

Hardtobelieve123 · 09/06/2022 17:14

To be honest I think it’s a relief not to be asked to be a guardian. If you think about what it truly could mean. Really life changing responsibility! But I understand that you feel hurt.

PeakyBlinda · 09/06/2022 17:20

Being honest I wouldn't choose someone who had been in an abusive relationship.

BlueMongoose · 09/06/2022 17:20

Beng a godparent is not being a potential guardian to a child- it has no legal or other staus when it comes to that. Who gets the guardianship of any kid/kids should be stated clearly in her Will, and she should seek their explicit permission first. And she definitely ought to have such a Will.

Bettethebuilder · 09/06/2022 17:33

onelittlefrog · 09/06/2022 15:58

There's a lot of discussion about the meaning of 'godparent' on here. I think the word has been adopted by non-religious people to mean someone who would take on a child if their parents were to pass away. It's obvious this is what OP means as she states this is non-religious.

I have never come across anyone who thinks that.

Bettethebuilder · 09/06/2022 17:35

DaisyQuakeJohnson · 09/06/2022 17:05

I'm intrigued that a PP thinks most adults won't know who their godparents are. I assumed everyone would know.

I haven’t a clue who my godparents are.

HerculesMulligan · 09/06/2022 17:39

OP, I have a brilliant best friend. We met on our first day of university 25 years ago and I would do literally anything for her. If me and DH died, she and her DH would take our kids - I have no doubt about that. I'm Catholic and when our kids were baptised, she wasn't their godmother, because she isn't Catholic (or religious in any way) and being a godparent is about guiding the child in their faith.

Blueberrywitch · 09/06/2022 17:45

I think you’re overreacting too, based on your definition of godparent (which I don’t think is correct) you’re saying they have to choose who would take their baby if they died. You do have a lot on your plate, and I don’t think you should assume she meant it as a judgement on your parenting or the relationship you have got your self out of (well done!) just maybe a practical view of who would be best placed to take on a baby right now. You chose her when she was single and childless. If I had to choose a godparent/guardian for my child I’d choose someone with the least amount of children too - nothing to do with their relationship status. Don’t assume she meant something hurtful when it’s not clear. Whenever there is a problem with friends, always try to look at it from a loving perspective.

Beautiful3 · 09/06/2022 17:46

Being God mother is a big thing. It means they become their legal guardian, when the parents are dead. Yrbu. Of course they choose the best person to look after their child, in an event.

Bettethebuilder · 09/06/2022 17:47

Beautiful3 · 09/06/2022 17:46

Being God mother is a big thing. It means they become their legal guardian, when the parents are dead. Yrbu. Of course they choose the best person to look after their child, in an event.

No, it doesn’t. That’s rubbish.