So sick of walking on eggshells but can't deal with the fall-out if I don't. Advice please!

[DWofMN]

I'm using DH's account, I'm not a MNer so please forgive me if I mess up the terminology - and apologies that this is long.

DH posted recently about an issue I'm having with my family and the general advice was either to go NC or to stand up to them - I don't feel like I can do either because DM has a temper but I love her dearly and treasure her in my life. She's an amazing GP to DS.

There are a few incidents playing on my mind and I don't know how to handle them:

DH and I are moving house to a new location, just over two hours from where we live. DM messaged me a couple of weeks ago to say that DSis was going on holiday to "nearby" the new house and, because DSis wanted to do an "adult only" activity with her DH, they had asked DM to come along and babysit DN. DM suggested we take this opportunity to show her our new house (I don't see why she needs to see it tbh) and I said I'd speak to the agent. The agent said it basically depends how busy they are - the owners won't allow us to just have free access to the house (it's vacant) which is fair enough so the agent said he'd do a viewing for DM if he has a slot available on the day but that he'd be prioritising people viewing properties who are actually going to purchase them (which is also fair enough). It also tied in well because I'm in my third trimester now and DSis still has my 0+ baby seat from when DN was little - and I need it back. So, I could tie in getting that back from her, I asked her to take it with her so I could get it back and she said she would. I've been anxious to get it back because DSis isn't the most reliable and I'm worried it'll be broken or missing parts and I need to know ASAP because it's part of our whole travel system.

On the day, the agent said that, unfortunately, he's fully booked up and there's no way he can do a viewing of the house for DM but that the vendors have said they have no problem with us going onto the property to look at the gardens and things - and we could also show DM the local area. I relayed this to DM, who was annoyed but ok, and I suggested we do an activity that's right next to the house that DS and DN would enjoy - DM agreed and we said what our ETA was and I sent a link and Google Maps location for the activity. When we arrived, about two hours later, there was no sign of DM and a few minutes later, DH got a text from DM that said "that's too far away..." (even though it's right next to the house she wanted to go and see) so DH replied asking her what she'd like to do. She replied "well, you could suggest somewhere closer for a start" - we don't know where she even is, all she's said to us is that she's staying "nearby the new house" (which was the entire reason she wanted us to book the viewing). She sent us her location, which was almost an hour away (and, by this point, we'd left the house three hours earlier, with a toddler and me being sick the whole time). DH drove the extra hour down and we met DM, DF and DN. DM was in a bad mood the whole time and told us she couldn't stay long (we met at a pub) because they needed to check out by 4pm (it was now gone 2pm) which I thought was odd because they were staying with DSis on her holiday so didn't need to "check out" but whatever. So, at 3.30pm DM went to the bathroom, I checked the time and said to DF we'd better head off to check out - at which point he said there's no rush because there's no check-out time. He said that just as DM reappeared, and she then had a big strop because she'd clearly been caught in a lie and just didn't want to spend any time with me. DF then wanted DH to help with lifting luggage so we went back to their accommodation to help, DSis came back at that point and said that she hadn't brought the car seat because she couldn't fit it in the car... So, I'd spent a day of my bank holiday driving for almost 8 hours to sit with my mum for 2 hours whilst she sulked, have DH sent rude text messages and not get my car seat back! It feels like I did nothing but try to appease her (by trying to get the viewing, by driving the extra hour to her, by pretending to accept she never said they had to check-out, by DH helping them pack, by not responding in kind to her rude messages etc) and all I got in return was her showing that she doesn't care at all.

DS has a birthday coming up and, because people insist on buying huge plastic toys that we have no space for despite us asking multiple times for them not to, we made an online list of gifts we think DS would like that are either activities or very small (a range of prices and no pressure to get anything). The online list is like a wedding gift registry where people say what they've bought so you don't end up with duplicates. For previous birthdays/Christmases, people have asked us for gift ideas and, regardless of what we suggest and even when we say "anything that isn't huge because we have no space", certain relatives insist on purchasing the biggest imaginable toys. I don't mean to sound ungrateful. One of DS's relatives purchased an activity gift from the list to take him to do. The next day, I got an irate message from DM asking why it's no longer available because she wanted to do that one. I asked around and found out, but explained to DM that DS would definitely enjoy doing the activity more than once so she can do it too if she likes - but she said no, she didn't want to do what someone else was doing. So, I had to ask the relative to give that up so DM could do it. Then, on a video call to DM later that day, DS showed her his new toy that he loves that he'd seen whilst we were out shopping (a small toy about £7). DM then got upset because she'd bought him the exact same toy for his birthday (how were we supposed to know that?) and couldn't return it because she'd bought it many months ago. I resolved that by saying we could return the one she has (still in packaging) as if it's the one we bought (they're identical and bought from the same store) and that DS can have the one he currently has a birthday gift from her - so she eventually, and grumpily, accepted that solution.

Then, last night, DM sent a link to our group chat to a holiday home booked for 2 days after my due date this summer. It's five hours drive from where I live, and mine and DH's share would be almost £1000 just for the house. The message accompanying the link said it was so that we could now go on the holiday. DM has been trying to book a family holiday abroad but we pointed out that we couldn't get a passport for the baby (and obviously can't leave a baby that's a day old with a sitter or anything) so obviously we couldn't go - so that was cancelled, with a lot of stropping and angst directed at me. DBro hasn't spoken to me since that was cancelled and DSis has only spoken to confirm she'd bring the car seat and then, when I saw him, to say she hadn't brought it. DSis then responded to the group chat with a pointed and sulky message about "oh, so this is instead of going somewhere nice abroad then?". I feel like I've ruined everyone else's summer holiday plans because I wouldn't go abroad so I feel like I have to agree with this holiday in the UK. But, in truth, we can't afford to pay thousands for a holiday right now and I don't want to book something for two days after the baby is due! I didn't reply in the group chat because I didn't know what to say so then I got a message late last night from DM saying that she's going to phone me today to "nail down my plans for July and August". I can't "nail down my plans" - the baby could come at almost any point in July/August (due date is the very start of August), so my only plan is to be prepared for that.

I feel like the stress of appeasing her is just too much - but it's so much less stress than either confronting her or ignoring her. So, there's no option which isn't stressful. I'm so ill, I have HG and I'm over a stone lighter than my booking-in weight and my weight is going down again. I just want to curl up in a ball, ignore everybody and cry - but that won't resolve the issue. She's going to phone me and I just don't know what to say, I don't even want to answer.

What do I do? I think I just needed to write all of that out.

"And we will not be contributing financially to the holiday, to make it clear".

Just reply 'I can't make the meeting as I have an appointment, but as we can't make the holiday there's no need for us to be there'.

Op, they can have as many meetings as they want, but you really need to stick to your guns and just not go. Don't engage in any argument, just keep repeating that you are unable to go. "We are unable to make it" and rinse and repeat.

How are you going to enjoy a holiday with that many people when you have just given birth and have a tiny baby.

If you can't shut them down then your DH needs to. They are bullying you and it will only stop when you step away from it. nobody in their right mind would expect you to want to go on holiday in that situation, whether abroad or UK.

If the price you pay to be part of family is to be treated like this, then its too high a price in my opinion.

My advice would be to join the suggestion from @BackToTheTop and the ones from @Blueuggboots and say
I can't make the meeting as I have an appointment, but as we can't make the holiday there's no need for us to be there. Just to be clear, we're not coming on holiday and we're also not going to be contributing financially to the holiday".

Then block or at the very least, for your health and the health of your baby (due to stress), mute the chat that they are in. Don't reply.

You've dealt with the matter and there isn't anything further to discuss about it.

This is the part in the story where you see "The End". That's it. Nothing further to say on the matter.

Oh, and your mother is vile. She really really is. Please see this as the first step to cutting those apron strings she has bound you up in so very tightly.

I wouldn’t even explain why you can’t make the meeting - they’ll only try to argue around it. Just say “We already have plans tomorrow.” and leave it at that.

No explanation, no offering to do it another time, and definitely no apology.

I would say something more like "Ok, hope you can all sort something fun out for yourselves. Since we won't be joining this year that opens up more possibilities."

Or nothing at all actually. Because in the normal world "We cannot go on holiday" makes it self-evident that we don't need to be included in planning said holiday.

And also "We are having a meeting" that was planned without discussion about my family's schedule and ability to attend would mean you didn't expect us to attend. If you did expect us to attend you should start with "Can we get together and discuss this? What date/time would work for you?"

Srsly? You tried to move your appointment to attend a meeting that you weren't even invited to?

So do you recognise again that your back in appease behaviour?
One message and your trying to rearrange medical appointments for her and driving again hours when your unwell.

It's going to take time and practice but basically you need to take a step each time you find yourself doing auto conditioning behaviour and think is this reasonable.

As others suggest a simple reply of no not attending meeting will suffice

What saddens me OP is having read your husbands thread as well as this one is this woman's treatment of you.

You are 'not allowed' to speak of your pregnancy? Most grandparents can talk of nothing else because they are excited and happy for the arrival. I understand not speaking alot about it infront of the couple undergoing IVF without taking to them first - but they are not involved in most of these conversations and even face to face with you your mother will not acknowledge your pregnant? Why? Because it is inconvenient - it takes the limelight off her. She doesn't acknowledge you are ill - again because she would have to care. She is being awful to you.

Be careful about your ds and is connection with your mother. It is very likely that she is setting up a golden grandchild (ds) and a scapegoat (new baby) within your family and will turn your DS against you and his dad and victimise the new baby just as she has/continues to do with you.

You have a lovely husband, a toddler who needs his mum well and a baby on the way, Stop pandering to your selfish family who are trying to ruin that for you.

The message for your mother:

"We will not be attending the meeting tomorrow. We will not be travelling anywhere this summer."

No reasons, no excuses. Just No.
(I wouldn't bother adding about the financial contribution unless you think they will expect you to send money anyway however.)

Once you've sent that message mute the group and your mother for the weekend (and gove your phone to your husand to put away perhaps?) and enjoy some family time with your husband and toddler - they deserve your energies far more than this rubbish. And your baby needs you to rest! See how a weekend 'switched off' feels....

Please start communicating with your brother and sisters so you are all supporting each other.

Sad to say it doesn’t work like that usually in abusive families.

They're all bullies. Nothing will change until you stand up to them. They won't just become pleasant one day.

"Too expensive, too far and too close to my to my due date" would be my first response to the holiday weirdness.

The only one who MIGHT be supportive, could quite possibly be the brother who has moved away, who has been having the IVF and who was not upset/angry about OPs pregancy. Im interested in how his relationship goes with the rest of the toxic gang. Im wondering if he keeps a distance because he doesnt seem to be involved in this holiday.

That aside, Dont go to the meeting. As its about the holiday you have no need to be there. And as another aside, surely they are happy you are not going as now they can go back to their original plan of going abroad (and which you got blamed for ruining)

Im hoping to heaven you didnt go OP, that you kept your hospital appointment and are concentrating on your baby

One day you will look back and see how unbelievably bonkers this is, and wonder why you went along with it for so long.

"I'm not available for a meeting"

Why on Earth would you try to move your appointment for their ‘meeting’?! A simple “we have a prior appointment and are unable to join you but since we are unable to come on holiday it really doesn’t matter as you don’t need us there” will suffice! Can I suggest also that if you’re not going to block them on WhatsApp you at least update your settings so they can’t see if the message has been read or when you were last ‘online’? Means you can keep abreast but also ignore at the same time if you know what I mean!! You have to develop the courage to stop this - for your and your husband’s sake.

Ok, so I feel like a complete idiot.

I was reading through all these messages and, whilst taking on board what you're all saying and appreciating your advice and making a list of the books/podcasts/links that people have been recommending, I felt that the judgement on DM was quite harsh. I took your advice on writing a message with DH for him to send etc etc. But, in truth, I did think that your perspectives were off somewhat, because this is one snapshot of our relationship and I think our relationship has a lot of positives - which I obviously haven't conveyed very well.

A few people have said if I don't respond to her message then there'll be some kind of crisis I need to respond to because that's a sign of narcissistic behaviour. And, I thought that wouldn't happen. But DM has broken her ankle - I haven't replied yet. I don't know what to do. DH thinks I should respond about her ankle but not about the meeting (the meeting isn't in person, it's a FaceTime meeting) but I can't see how to respond to one without acknowledging the other. I'm genuinely not sure if this is crazy coincidence or if DM is actually much worse than I thought.

I feel so stupid.

Id just acknowledge the ankle, ‘oh let me know how you get on in A&E, speak soon’

Short, sweet, and non committal.

Broken her ankle?

What, today? Since you decided you weren't going on holiday?

Yep. Since she messaged about the meeting, so in the last five hours.

Don’t feel stupid, this is the fog lifting and you are starting to see her/them for what she/they really are.

Broken ankles (if she indeed has one) are not life threatening, just respond with “Sorry to hear that, hope you feel better soon.” and leave it at that. If she asks about the meeting you just reply grey rock with “We’ve got plans tomorrow.” and say no more.

You’ve done the hardest thing in starting the pushback in the first place, just stand your ground knowing you’ve got your DH (and the MN Army) behind you.

Given the waiting times at A&E right now, I highly doubt she’s broken her ankle, been seen by a Dr, X-rated, bandaged up and sent home again in 5 hours.

Shes expecting you to be contrite and apologise for being a horrible daughter, and no doubt offer to come and visit her in her sick bed.

'I felt that the judgement on DM was quite harsh.'

Posters are just going on the info you've given.

Often people in very unhealthy and manipulative relationships don't see it and make excuses. She is your dm, you love her, that is understandable just stop allowing her to control you to such a degree. Try to be assertive, stick up for yourself and show her you won't be pushed about.

Keep saying no that doesn't work sorry until the penny drops. Good luck.

Id just acknowledge the ankle, ‘oh let me know how you get on in A&E, speak soon’

This.

Her ankle isn’t broken, this is a test.

Posters have said to you that she says jump and you say how high. Well, this is her saying “jump”. How are you going to respond? Anything other than the message above is a “how high” response.

Don’t get guilt tripped into driving to hers. You’ve got HG. I suffered HG in both pregnancies, I know how bad it is. Your mum is pathetic.

This is a game. She is vying for control. One step at a time OP. So, just for today, make a decision not to play.

Id Go with your dm being worse than you think. People are waiting over 12hrs just to see a dr in A+E.