So sick of walking on eggshells but can't deal with the fall-out if I don't. Advice please!

[DWofMN]

I'm using DH's account, I'm not a MNer so please forgive me if I mess up the terminology - and apologies that this is long.

DH posted recently about an issue I'm having with my family and the general advice was either to go NC or to stand up to them - I don't feel like I can do either because DM has a temper but I love her dearly and treasure her in my life. She's an amazing GP to DS.

There are a few incidents playing on my mind and I don't know how to handle them:

DH and I are moving house to a new location, just over two hours from where we live. DM messaged me a couple of weeks ago to say that DSis was going on holiday to "nearby" the new house and, because DSis wanted to do an "adult only" activity with her DH, they had asked DM to come along and babysit DN. DM suggested we take this opportunity to show her our new house (I don't see why she needs to see it tbh) and I said I'd speak to the agent. The agent said it basically depends how busy they are - the owners won't allow us to just have free access to the house (it's vacant) which is fair enough so the agent said he'd do a viewing for DM if he has a slot available on the day but that he'd be prioritising people viewing properties who are actually going to purchase them (which is also fair enough). It also tied in well because I'm in my third trimester now and DSis still has my 0+ baby seat from when DN was little - and I need it back. So, I could tie in getting that back from her, I asked her to take it with her so I could get it back and she said she would. I've been anxious to get it back because DSis isn't the most reliable and I'm worried it'll be broken or missing parts and I need to know ASAP because it's part of our whole travel system.

On the day, the agent said that, unfortunately, he's fully booked up and there's no way he can do a viewing of the house for DM but that the vendors have said they have no problem with us going onto the property to look at the gardens and things - and we could also show DM the local area. I relayed this to DM, who was annoyed but ok, and I suggested we do an activity that's right next to the house that DS and DN would enjoy - DM agreed and we said what our ETA was and I sent a link and Google Maps location for the activity. When we arrived, about two hours later, there was no sign of DM and a few minutes later, DH got a text from DM that said "that's too far away..." (even though it's right next to the house she wanted to go and see) so DH replied asking her what she'd like to do. She replied "well, you could suggest somewhere closer for a start" - we don't know where she even is, all she's said to us is that she's staying "nearby the new house" (which was the entire reason she wanted us to book the viewing). She sent us her location, which was almost an hour away (and, by this point, we'd left the house three hours earlier, with a toddler and me being sick the whole time). DH drove the extra hour down and we met DM, DF and DN. DM was in a bad mood the whole time and told us she couldn't stay long (we met at a pub) because they needed to check out by 4pm (it was now gone 2pm) which I thought was odd because they were staying with DSis on her holiday so didn't need to "check out" but whatever. So, at 3.30pm DM went to the bathroom, I checked the time and said to DF we'd better head off to check out - at which point he said there's no rush because there's no check-out time. He said that just as DM reappeared, and she then had a big strop because she'd clearly been caught in a lie and just didn't want to spend any time with me. DF then wanted DH to help with lifting luggage so we went back to their accommodation to help, DSis came back at that point and said that she hadn't brought the car seat because she couldn't fit it in the car... So, I'd spent a day of my bank holiday driving for almost 8 hours to sit with my mum for 2 hours whilst she sulked, have DH sent rude text messages and not get my car seat back! It feels like I did nothing but try to appease her (by trying to get the viewing, by driving the extra hour to her, by pretending to accept she never said they had to check-out, by DH helping them pack, by not responding in kind to her rude messages etc) and all I got in return was her showing that she doesn't care at all.

DS has a birthday coming up and, because people insist on buying huge plastic toys that we have no space for despite us asking multiple times for them not to, we made an online list of gifts we think DS would like that are either activities or very small (a range of prices and no pressure to get anything). The online list is like a wedding gift registry where people say what they've bought so you don't end up with duplicates. For previous birthdays/Christmases, people have asked us for gift ideas and, regardless of what we suggest and even when we say "anything that isn't huge because we have no space", certain relatives insist on purchasing the biggest imaginable toys. I don't mean to sound ungrateful. One of DS's relatives purchased an activity gift from the list to take him to do. The next day, I got an irate message from DM asking why it's no longer available because she wanted to do that one. I asked around and found out, but explained to DM that DS would definitely enjoy doing the activity more than once so she can do it too if she likes - but she said no, she didn't want to do what someone else was doing. So, I had to ask the relative to give that up so DM could do it. Then, on a video call to DM later that day, DS showed her his new toy that he loves that he'd seen whilst we were out shopping (a small toy about £7). DM then got upset because she'd bought him the exact same toy for his birthday (how were we supposed to know that?) and couldn't return it because she'd bought it many months ago. I resolved that by saying we could return the one she has (still in packaging) as if it's the one we bought (they're identical and bought from the same store) and that DS can have the one he currently has a birthday gift from her - so she eventually, and grumpily, accepted that solution.

Then, last night, DM sent a link to our group chat to a holiday home booked for 2 days after my due date this summer. It's five hours drive from where I live, and mine and DH's share would be almost £1000 just for the house. The message accompanying the link said it was so that we could now go on the holiday. DM has been trying to book a family holiday abroad but we pointed out that we couldn't get a passport for the baby (and obviously can't leave a baby that's a day old with a sitter or anything) so obviously we couldn't go - so that was cancelled, with a lot of stropping and angst directed at me. DBro hasn't spoken to me since that was cancelled and DSis has only spoken to confirm she'd bring the car seat and then, when I saw him, to say she hadn't brought it. DSis then responded to the group chat with a pointed and sulky message about "oh, so this is instead of going somewhere nice abroad then?". I feel like I've ruined everyone else's summer holiday plans because I wouldn't go abroad so I feel like I have to agree with this holiday in the UK. But, in truth, we can't afford to pay thousands for a holiday right now and I don't want to book something for two days after the baby is due! I didn't reply in the group chat because I didn't know what to say so then I got a message late last night from DM saying that she's going to phone me today to "nail down my plans for July and August". I can't "nail down my plans" - the baby could come at almost any point in July/August (due date is the very start of August), so my only plan is to be prepared for that.

I feel like the stress of appeasing her is just too much - but it's so much less stress than either confronting her or ignoring her. So, there's no option which isn't stressful. I'm so ill, I have HG and I'm over a stone lighter than my booking-in weight and my weight is going down again. I just want to curl up in a ball, ignore everybody and cry - but that won't resolve the issue. She's going to phone me and I just don't know what to say, I don't even want to answer.

What do I do? I think I just needed to write all of that out.

I can't really think of any other times I've said or done anything that makes her angry. I tend to notice if she's getting angry and try to diffuse it so she's just grumpy or annoyed instead.

Honestly the pair of us should be snapped up by the UN !

The problem with learning to de-escalate like this, is that nothing is really resolved. It isn't a level playing field where both parties are angry and one chooses to dial it down a notch to allow better communication and a chance at resolution. In this situation, its 'oh shit its going to kick off unless I intervene'.

Does your Mum still drink too much ?

OP- you've asked for advice and a huge selection of people are almost unanimous in telling you that your mother is a controlling bully, you are enabling her to do this by responding to her and that the best decision you could make would be to be United with your husband and go no contact or lie contact with your mother.
You can do this tonight by blocking her messages and texts, let her messages go to voicemail and making no plans to meet up with her in any circumstance. She had had her own life to live her way, live your your way.
Be ready with 'too busy', 'prior arrangements', 'I don't want to do that' type answers.
You can do this.

When she responded 'excuses, excuses, excuses' - I would have responded. 'Oh do f%&k off' and I would consider myself a people pleaser who spends her life walking on egg shells with her own Mum - but this is too much!

You're going to explode one day, OP.

Please - get yourself some therapy.

It's so sad you thought her reply wasn't that bad, its indicative of how badly you've been treated. Put you, your DH and children first and cut her out of your life. I hope you don't mind me asking, but what is your mother's cultural heritage?

If your DH agrees to facilitate contact for your DC (if that's what you want - although I don't think it's right in this situation), could you just block her and/or remove yourself from the family group chat?

You and your children really have nothing to gain from this relationship apart from upset so she can get her way in every situation. From the sounds of it, she brings nothing to the table and the only reason she wanted you both on the family holiday is so the cost was split with more people.

As a PP said, if you have to respond, repeat about the risks and issues you've had in pregnancy, say you're sorry she can't be happy for the positive changes in your life and I'd block from there on out. If she wants to contact you then she can contact your DH if she must so she's not stressing you out directly.

We are due at the same sort of time and I've been hugely stressed out today, it's not of any help during a high risk pregnancy. You need to avoid this kind of drama at all costs.

Please also seek therapy, you need to learn to stop bending over backwards to make other people happy. This can happen due to childhood bullying/emotional/ family trauma which I have seen in a family member before. It's so hard to unwrap and undo. Get all the help and support you can.

DBro and DSis have both seen the message and not responded at all. They're online and I just know they're talking and I just feel awful now. I just want to give myself a big shake, I'm a grown adult, it shouldn't be so hard.

Is there any chance they will accuse you of sulking if you don't reply to your mother's message? If so then it might be best to send a brief reply now, to forestall any nasty attempts at provocation on their side overnight.

They don't need to respond, that's their call. It could be that they agree with your 'D'M, or maybe they disagree and think she's harsh but you'll never know or be able to control how they feel about it. You can't control what they say behind your back. What wasn't on was your mother's response.

What you can do is limit time or cut yourself off from those who do you emotional harm.

Your DS is another golden child to fawn over and ensure you stay as the scape goat.

Its absolutely toxic and damaging to you, your DC and DH.

She's a complete lunatic.

Stop pussyfooting around her, tell her outright that there was absolutely no way that anyone would be anywhere except home in anticipation of the birth of their baby. That it's not your fault that she wrongly assumed that something else might be the case, and that if she's out of pocket that's her problem. Tell DSis the same if necessary- also ask DSis wtf she would do in your position.

Do not engage with your batshit mum anymore , do not reply to her last message. Stop pandering to her , your DH must be a saint as if my MIL was even half as bad and DH carried on as you are I would leave him. No way would I put up with that level of craziness. Only you can stop this , do it and do it soon as it will only get worse.

You need to go nc with these crazy people.

My family were bad, not as bad as yours but brother was the golden child and my mother would encourage him to bully and belittle me and I could do no right.

My DH realised what was going on before I could accept how bad it was, with his help I tried for a more balanced relationship but they can’t do that and we are no contact.

I don’t know if DH ever would have said it’s him or them as it never came to that, but I know he would have been very protective of me when it came to them. He isn’t what I would normally class as protective so please don’t get the wrong idea. But he would protect me if I couldn’t or wouldn’t protect myself and with them I found it very hard.

You need therapy to help you sort out this mess, but you might not be able to have a relationship with them that doesn’t cause you or your family hurt

Your mother is abusing you mentally, and to be honest, physically - by exerting her control over you when you have a high risk pregnancy. Making you travel hours and when you do it, making you do a few more. And when you do that, punishing you anyway. Trying to force you to commit to travel during and after your pregnancy which she’s forcing you to hide. Raising your stress levels.

That ‘wonderful’ relationship with your children - she’s controlling you through them too. As soon as they don’t behave to her liking she’ll punish them too, and probably anyway.

If you could think of ‘failing’ as continuing this relationship with her rather than enabling it you could protect yourself, your husband and your children. This isn’t your fault (far from it) but you’re going to have to find a way out before she causes further damage to your family.

Oh and that message about excuses - despicable. Reducing your and your child’s health to an excuse?

It's not hard to block messages OP. That's the start to you being free of this bullying.

I'm a bit concerned that everyone else thinks it was nasty.

If my mum had replied to me as your mum has when I was heavily pregnant, I’d have been devastated. Refusing to let you talk about your pregnancy, not acknowledging it, organising a holiday on your due date, calling giving birth ‘excuses’.

You’ve clarified that your mother was bloody awful to you growing up. She’s a ‘brilliant grandmother’ because small children are easily bent to her will and she can use them to control. You said she takes the DC off and ignores the rest of you. It’s not pure love and affection- or at least, it’s not unselfish or unproblematic.

Well done OP. Now, just drop the rope. Do not respond to that message. There's no need.

Concentrate on yourself and your own family. Don't get drawn into any family drama around this or any other issue. It just isn't worth it.

When you say she hasn’t been properly angry for a while - it’s because you’re still scared of her and she ‘only’ needs to prove her control through the things you’ve detailed here. But now you’ve slightly pushed back I wouldn’t be surprised if you get either fireworks now or the silent treatment. This should show you her true colours even further vs be something you pander to. I really think you should get counseling quickly to help you through this.

@DWofMN your Mum is abusive. Both in childhood and now. Mentally and physically abusive. I agree with @PlantSpider and I would not have your children alone with her or around her much if it can be avoided.

This is a big issue and you need counselling probably to work things out so you get into a healthier position.

However, you are heavily pregnant. That’s exhausting enough. Do whatever you can to get through the next number of months. Remove yourself from the WhatsApp group or mute it for a period of time. Hand the phone to your husband and let him deal with them if they contact. He’s very decent and I would rely on him to take care of you.

This is all time for you and the baby. Please don’t cry anymore. Treat yourself to something nice tomorrow. I hope you feel better and all goes well with baby x

Listen, you're allowed to prioritise your pregnancy and nothing else at the moment. You're allowed to cut back contact if it's a burden rather than support.

They are allowed to not see things from your perspective. They are allowed to be upset.

Say what you need to say, give them the space to feel their upset.

Focus on the baby, on your health, on your little family.
I know it's easier said than done...

Have you tried meditation for calming?

You do not owe your mum anything.

I understand you don't want the 'no contact' option but it's not only up to you - relationships take two people. Set your boundaries and shift your focus on to create distance little by little.

She will either work to reduce the distance and show some motherly love and care or she won't, and that's not on you.

Your mum really is a horrible person!!! And your post about being addicted to fixing things - you never will, there is nothing you can do to make your mum happy, because she doesn't want to he happy because of you, the harder you try the harder she will knock you down. Your siblings are on her side at the moment, but the second you go NC one of them will end up in your position!

Mute the WhatsApp group (or leave it and block them for a little while) prioritise you, and your peace, but most importantly prioritise your husband and your son. Your husband's happiness and peace should be more important to you than appeasing your mother, don't treat him badly to keep her happy, she isn't worth it

My heart hurts for you @DWofMN you shouldn't be going through this - none of it is your fault at all 💐

Again because you have been conditioned to think this sort of behaviour is normal and acceptable.
Do not feel bad you have done amazingly taking those first steps to breaking the cycle.

Rest up put on some calming stuff. A thing called yoga nidra always helped me when heavily pregnant you can find pregnancy ones on you tube or listen to others just on your side rather then back. Give it a go and find some peace

I think the last people you should take guidance on this would be your siblings, by the way, they will be as under her thrall as you. I think that’s why counseling is so important, you need someone completely objective and removed from the situation.

I'm just gobsmacked that your mother is so totally unconcerned about your high-risk pregnancy that her reply was excuses, excuses, excuses.

Take good care of yourself, OP, and maybe you could spend a little of the money you will save from not going on this holiday for some therapy.