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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think many schools forget that lots of mums work?

269 replies

malificent7 · 09/06/2022 07:36

In primary school it was almost a given that they scheduled things in the school day which is understandable but a bit sad that when i was teaching myself, i couldn't get time off for sports day etc.

In secondary school I was chatying to a mum friend who was asked to go to a meeting during school time. She can't...she works! Not a huge issue i guess and not sure how it can be solved. As an ex teacher I wouldn't have wanted to meet parents outside school hours.

OP posts:
CatDogMonkeyPOW · 09/06/2022 08:02

I think parents need to treat some school events like they would health appointments because you can't expect teachers to work in the evenings / weekends etc but I do think schools have an unrealistic expectation of what families can manage etc.

We often get requests for help for school trips with the line "it won't go ahead without enough volunteers" which isn't great, because it piles guilt on and a lot of us are at work and can't take the entire day off as we have to save our annual leave for the school holidays.

Slightly related, we had an event in our school recently where grandparents were invited to come in to do an activity with the children. It was made clear that parents couldn't attend as a substitute, but extended family members could. So children who didn't live in this wonderful, traditional extended family bubble were then excluded from the event. They relented after several people complained, pointing out the insensitivity of it.

reluctantbrit · 09/06/2022 08:03

Not sure why you single out mums?

DH has a far more flexible job than I do and no commute so he covered quite a lot of the points you mentioned.

Others were covered by taking time off ( I think at least 1 week of annual leave was earmarked for school stuff) and our school was good in arranging meetings before the school started with DD being allowed to be in the office or library so we managed with a delay work start.

It's also about managing expectations, DD knew it would be sometimes not possible for one of us to come to certain things. She survived 3 sports days without us, it's about seeing what is the important bits for you and your child.

summer22now · 09/06/2022 08:03

the demands on parents in terms of going into the school are far higher than they were in the 80s and 90s - my parents went for parents evening and that was that!

WeAreBob · 09/06/2022 08:04

This isn't a school assuming mum's don't work thing.
This is simply that school is open during the working day and if they need to meet with a parent then it needs to happen during the working day. Like any other appointment you'd need time off for. Or do you expects teachers to come into school at 7/8PM every time they need to speak with a parent?

They need to hold activities and shows during the day for the children. If events are held during the school day then all the kids get to join in. If they held them in the evening, a lot of kids wouldn't be able to go.

An actual problem with schools that we should complain about is the number of them who ignore instructions to call dad first. You put dad down as the first emergency contact because he is more conveniently located to collect in emergencies etc, but the school will still call kum first and have to be told to call dad. Over and over. Seen it complained about a lot on here so it isn't just one school. That's a problem with schools assuming that mum is more available than dad even after being told.

Testina · 09/06/2022 08:04

“What annoys me more from school is that they always always ring me first and not my husband.”

They’ve got 2 contact names on a form, presumably? So they pick the first one. Who chose to put your contact details on the form first? I put mine first, I got all the calls. My friend’s husband takes all “school” stuff, so they put his name first. Are you saying that you put your husband’s details first and they’re ignoring that? If you put your name in first then you made exactly the same decision as school.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/06/2022 08:05

Boomboompowpow · 09/06/2022 07:54

My kids' primary school was like this when they first started. On Father's Day there would be coffee and bacon butties at 8.15am for the dads to go in and have breakfast with their kids (before work). The equivalent on Mother's Day was a scone and tea at 2pm where you were welcome to take your kids home early straight afterwards.

I pointed out the inconsistency/sexist assumption making and now both are breakfast events.

This is an actual good example of what I thought the title of the OP meant. I'm primed to look out for this at my dc school as the Mums Afternoon was 2pm with afternoon tea and they "will be doing something similar" for dad's. The cynic in me is anticipating a breakfast so dad's can get off to work. I hope I'm wrong.

IstayedForTheFeminism · 09/06/2022 08:05

Testina · 09/06/2022 08:01

@IstayedForTheFeminism surely it’s obvious that school picks a close week day date? Do you object to schools doing a Xmas nativity play not on 25th December?

That didn't occur to me tbh. My DCs school never did it. (I blame lack of sleep)

But tbf Christmas isn't a 1 day event so it's not the same.

Momicrone · 09/06/2022 08:07

Although nearly all the parents who attend the day time events and do school pick up are women at our school

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/06/2022 08:08

summer22now · 09/06/2022 08:03

the demands on parents in terms of going into the school are far higher than they were in the 80s and 90s - my parents went for parents evening and that was that!

It's going hand in hand with the demand on teachers though. Fron what I can see of what my kids teachers do, there is a significant amount of time spent on what I would class as more social work, plus greater evidencing of learning, plus vastly increased training (no teachers got "spot a kid that's being radicalised" training or "online safety" etc).

AquaticSewingMachine · 09/06/2022 08:11

Sirzy · 09/06/2022 08:01

What annoys me more from school is that they always always ring me first and not my husband

then change the primary contact to him. They will always ring the first on the list first.

I got the school to completely delete my phone number. They re-added it from my email signature and continued to call me first.

I told them to list DH's number as primary. They still call me first.

pitterpatterrain · 09/06/2022 08:11

It isn’t the events in the day that I find frustrating

it’s the incredible lack of notice - if you tell me 2 months out then yes I may be able to be a parent helper as I can book it in my calendar and work things through

if you tell me on Wednesday of a school trip the next Thursday - what an absolute joke

most (all) of my frustrations with the school is their ridiculously poor planning and communication … they act like they’ve ever had a reception class before and that every evening is a wild surprise of when it might be scheduled (“nativity … hmmm… maybe, not sure when we’ll do it…”)

poshme · 09/06/2022 08:11

My daughter likes to play sport in an after school club at school run by teachers. The last three matches for this sport were during the school day against other schools. Some a 30 minute drive away.

I got 2 days notice that if she wanted to be in the match, I had to collect her at 130 and take her there. Not allowed to stay and watch, and then collect at 330.

School will not offer or coordinate lifts. Because my current work is flexible, I was able to take her, and messaged all the parents I knew offering lifts. In my previous job she wouldn't have been able to go unless I knew someone to ask them to take her.

pitterpatterrain · 09/06/2022 08:11

*event

kittensinthekitchen · 09/06/2022 08:11

YABU, they just schedule things for their working hours Confused

WeAreBob · 09/06/2022 08:12

Sirzy · 09/06/2022 08:01

What annoys me more from school is that they always always ring me first and not my husband

then change the primary contact to him. They will always ring the first on the list first.

No, they don't.

A lot of schools will look at the contact list, skip over dad who is first and call mum. Even after being told over and over.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 09/06/2022 08:12

Unfortunately having children isn’t compatible with working full time- it’s shit!

Sarah3587 · 09/06/2022 08:13

a lot of mums work evenings and weekends.
I don’t think it’s possible to cater for everyone.
I think workplaces need to be more accommodating Perhaps.
my daughters school generally advertises sports day a number of weeks in advance, so I know when to take time off.
very rarely is something just put upon me, I’m normally given enough notice to arrange it.
however I do understand your frustration. All part of being a working parent I suppose.

kittensinthekitchen · 09/06/2022 08:13

summer22now · 09/06/2022 08:03

the demands on parents in terms of going into the school are far higher than they were in the 80s and 90s - my parents went for parents evening and that was that!

Demands? I'm pretty confident that most of these things are invitations, not demands.

ToastofLandon · 09/06/2022 08:15

Completely agree OP, working parents don’t seem to be considered at all. At the end of every term and sometimes at half term it’s a 1:30 finish which is a pain.

Also events like the Jubilee picnic the other week, sports day and other events where you end up having to book half a day so you can go. Stay and plays, assemblies…There’s always something!

I didn’t have sports day at primary school when I was a kid and don’t remember my mum and dad having to take time off so things, they weren’t regular occurrences.

Original poster
malificent7 · 09/06/2022 08:18

Of course kids should come 1st but many employers aren't that flexible.

OP posts:
kittensinthekitchen · 09/06/2022 08:19

malificent7 · 09/06/2022 08:18

Of course kids should come 1st but many employers aren't that flexible.

So what do you suggest is the solution?

Artwodeetoo · 09/06/2022 08:22

It's the same with baby groups- always during the week and hardly anything at weekends. I did set up one up for Saturdays which was very well attended, but once DS was older no one could be bothered taking it on so it fizzled out. I do agree that its frustrating but not sure of the answer as teachers shouldn't be expected to stay on until past 'office hours' either.

riesenrad · 09/06/2022 08:22

It's also about managing expectations, DD knew it would be sometimes not possible for one of us to come to certain things. She survived 3 sports days without us, it's about seeing what is the important bits for you and your child

This. Even if the school thinks we still live in the 1950s (even though many of them probably have kids themselves!) you can explain to your kids that we don't. I don't think I ever attended a school sports day. Mind you, I was relieved to be working and not have to run the gauntlet of the unfriendly cliquey school mums at those sorts of events. There are compensations.

riesenrad · 09/06/2022 08:22

It's the same with baby groups- always during the week and hardly anything at weekends

and only in term time. Babies don't go to school but the assumption seems to be that everyone has older school age kids.

HeadNorth · 09/06/2022 08:26

the demands on parents in terms of going into the school are far higher than they were in the 80s and 90s - my parents went for parents evening and that was that!

This is what I find so ironic. My MIL was a SAHM then housewife and never, ever went into DH's school. It just wasn't expected. My mum worked (as a teacher!) but no issues because again, she never had any reason to come to my school. Parents didn't go to Sports Days, which were v low key. This was late 70s/early 80s when far more families had a parent at home, but there was no expectation of parent's attending school with the exception of maybe a nativity or an end of year show.

I don't know why it changed to coincide with more mothers returning to the workplace - it is another pointless way to guilt trip working mums because I really don't think it brings additional benefit to the kids.