Asked to cosign

[Boxowine]

My DS's girlfriend has been accepted into a very prestigious (and very expensive) post graduate program in New York City. Housing costs there are astronomical. My DS plans to spend the year there with her. He asked me today if I would cosign for their accommodation. I'm not sure yet what that would be but it is separate from the University as they have limited school housing. I would normally tell someone to say no but she may not be able to go if she can't find a place to live.

AIBU to say no?

And honestly, if I hadn't said New York City and just said a large city everyone would have assumed we lived somewhere like Manchester and she was going somewhere like London. The analogy would be the same. I'm sure before Brexit British students often had the opportunity to go study in another place and a boyfriend or girlfriend wanting to tag along. It's hardly a situation limited to the US.
Even now, the accusations of being a troll keep getting thrown around. Some people must just relish the opportunity. This has been a real eye opener of an experience.

Seems to me when people want to discuss things with an impersonal audience they are not going to provide every single identifying detail and limit themselves to a vary, very basic description. Otherwise you might as well bring it up for dissection on your own Facebook page. But then everyone who knows all the precise details about your issue would know that you were talking about it.

Surely she needs to live in someone else's home as a tenant or in a flat share and your DS can f off. Entitled much. Insanity.

As this is a British site, I assumed you were an American living in U.K. You didn't mention that you were actually living in the USA and that your son is also American. That changes a lot of things. If he's sure he can get a job in NYC and maintain himself, why not just do that?

OP it is so blatantly obvious that those responding to you assumed you were an American based in the UK, and you waited a ridiculously long time before dropping in that actually you live in the US.

People were talking about overseas courses, fees, accommodation, visas. And it never entered your head to correct them? Odd.

But MN is a British site for UK based mums!
Your posts have been vague and confusing and when your own words are quoted back to you you’ve been unnecessarily aggressive!

I really don't know why that's the issue to get hung up on. The impetus for the move is the course she is doing but he also has the opportunity to do something related to his schooling. I never couched it in terms of he would just be tagging along not engaged in something productive for himself. And I said several times that I'm fully confident that he would be able to arrange an internship ahead of time. I'm not sure why anyone would get caught up on that point because I never indicated I would underwrite his living there just because.

I guess I was hoping for a conversation about what's the best way to support adult children and I wanted to talk about how conflicting it can be when someone asks you to do something that you would normally advise another person against doing but that your inclination is to do it anyway because you want to help someone you care about.
I didn't realize I have to offer up all of my personal information in order to be vetted or be subjected to being called a liar and a troll and be personally insulted, despite asking several times to stop.

I don't think it's possible to have a positive interaction at this point.

That's just not true though.

It's a site started by two women who live in the UK and its office is in the UK but its on the world wide web.

There are users from all over the world.

It's not for UK based mums. It's for anyone, anywhere in the world.

😂😂😂

@Aussiegirl123456 Good advice and similar to what I was saying until the OP’s posts became so odd-like keeping the gf on side so she’ll marry her son- that I started to suspect that this wasn’t real. That’s such a bizarre comment.

As you say, the couple can sort this out themselves to a large extent, as you and your DH did, as I did with my DH. The OP is overly involved at this point.

Gosh! That’s a low blow!

OP, I wouldn’t do it. He’s only a girlfriend, even if they’d been together for 10years. I wouldn’t take such a big risk for ‘non-family’.

Wow, you sound really nasty. There’s no need for it.

fwiw, I fight think drop out it an insult.
Many of the most successful people in the world today are college drop outs.I would just ignore the nastiness OP. You’re not gaining anything by showing you can fight your corner, etc. why not concentrate only on the useful advice?

@Cameleongirl please, you called me a troll on the first page and mn removed your post. I've already said that was meant jokingly because they are very serious and we think if her as family.
I didn't realize this was treated like testimony.

Regardless there can only be so many outcomes, she moves and he stays which would be a non issue or he gets an internship or possibly transfers there and I am responsible for his housing whether it is his singly or they split it. It's not that complicated or profoundly unique or as unheard of as it seems to be being received here so I think I'll try to just manage without any input after all. Thanks anyway.

@Boxowine I was initially sympathetic and advised you not to co-sign for your own financial security. After you made the following bizarre comment, I thought this must be completely made-up

We kind of need to keep her on our good side so she'll marry him.

I’d be advising my daughter to run a mile if her bf’s mother made such a comment.

I'd still like to know how a student and an intern are going to afford the rent when 9 months rent is equal to 25% of a duel income family's entire yearly wage.

This thread is just bizarre.

She needs to rent somewhere for the year for herself which will probably won’t be the shiniest and glossiest place in a big and expensive city- just like any other student. I’m sure she won’t be the first or last student in NYC to have to face this problem.

if it’s meant to be with your son then they will do whatever it takes to allow her to study for that one year and for them to be together afterwards.

I really don’t understand the angst here at all or the over-involvement. It’s not necessary.

There was an article in the NYT the other day suggesting that rents in manhattan were up to about $4k/month on average. I think he needs to let the GF go alone.