Having a pre-paid debit card to hide food spending from my partner

[jadeyxox]

So DH and I have a joint account for all our money (he earns more than me, but money has never been an issue with us) so we can obviously see what's being spent on the account.

I'll be the first to admit that my relationship with food isn't the healthiest, and I've always had an issue with DH knowing exactly what/how much I eat etc. Things like getting breakfast from McDonalds most mornings after taking the kids to nursery/school, or takeaways in the evening when he's working or out, or at the bakery.

I always got around that by buying a lot of stuff with cash, but with takeaway apps, and the pandemic with places going card only, I got a prepaid debit card from the Post Office that you can top up with cash, and then use that to pay at places or on apps.

I mentioned in passing to a friend the other day that I do this, and she seemed to think it was a really strange thing to do, and it's really been playing on my mind!

Thanks xx

No I'm sorry but I don't think that's fair. I've said I don't know how many times that I get the health risks, and the impact the weight already has on me (and that DH sees it too). But me saying I don't think its accurate that i'm going to be bed bound in a few weeks, which is what was said, doesn't mean i'm in denial.

Ok maybe not a few weeks but you will deteriorate fast as the weight continues to ramp up that’s the point. How much weight are you gaining weekly?

with all due respect, you can't tell me what I do and don't feel. I'm the one who lives in my body and my mind and I know how I feel. If I didn't feel shame about it and I wasn't bothered, why would I hide it from DH??

I don't always weigh myself every week but about 4 and a bit stone since i had my youngest which was May 2020

People need to stay respectful to the OP on this thread.

OP, you can step away any time. There are other places on MN you can post for support too. It’s probably overwhelming thinking about all this.

@jadeyxox what if you have a stroke, or you are diabetic (perfectly plausible as you haven’t had it checked) and are admitted to hospital, say your have a heart attack…

You are putting on about half a pound a week. So on that basis in a years time you are going to be over 20 stone.

Then you can’t have been eating like this since then op. There is no way you can eat like this and gain an average of only three pounds a month. It must have ramped up.

You have been really brave, OP, what you're going through isn't an easy thing to admit, not even anonymously online.

Some posters don't understand but they feel the need to be heard regardless. That's the blessing and curse of a chatboard, everybody has an opinion and must, MUST share it.

When you're young, you can abuse your body with whatever you choose and your body can/will recover well. That ability to recover diminishes with age and the thing about weight is, when it gets to a stage where your mobility is at serious risk it is only a matter of time before you lose it altogether if you aren't able to stop putting on weight.

You mention one stone ago, two stones ago... it's a refrain that many women will know about. There's a line, hard to know where it is as it varies from person to person but, when you cross over it you won't be able to hide or fix this yourself any longer.

There's no shame in being obese and neither is there any in asking for and getting help. Do it now and it can still be on your terms.

I know how yu feel regarding food although im not at that level -im obese i know i am but i dont exercise dont work so im mainly sitting around all day

i do eat crap to make me feel better in myself i have depression so its a comfort for me-i do have mcdonalds but about once a week and i order two meals if i im getting a takeaway

i have been on diets before i lost 3 stone once then my depression got worse and i started eating crap again-its really hard

i dont have dc so no motivation to do it for others really

Not much help i know just to say youre not alone

I really feel for you OP.

I think you should come clean to your lovely OH and make a plan with him as the guilt is obviously impacting you and you're lying to him.

Do you think you could consider working out how much you put on the pre paid cards, then using grocery money to buy and prep healthier foods in tubs to take with you? Like smoked salmon and low fat cream cheese in a bagel, something easy to grab the next morning...then use whatever is left on your card at the end of each week or month on a really fun family activity or something you may not normally do for yourself like a massage or pedicure? Just an idea.

Would you consider therapy? It sounds like you might have binge eating issues. I say that without judgement - I was bulimic as a teen and it's taken me a long time to have a semi normal relationship with food!

It probably has got worse over time, but it can vary. Sometimes I have good weeks, others not.

Thank you so much for this, such a thoughtful post x

I do understand the risks of so much weight, and while i've been big before, I never imagined i'd ever weigh this much.

It sounds as if you have an eating disorder. Please get some help from your GP about this.

Oh hun, I have so much sympathy with you, I know how hard it is. I hope you get where you want to be too - there has been some really good advice that people have posted on this thread which might be as relevant for you as it is for me x

I don't know what you mean by 'what if' tbh - of course I understand those are risks for my future with the weight i am

Thank you, and that's a really good suggestion. I know it's about changing habits. And you are right, I feel guilty and ashamed that I hide this from DH.

Look Jade, I know you are taking comfort from all the sympathetic posts and are being enormously brave facing this - even if your initial post was nothing to do with facing the actual problem.

I am in the same boat, a few stone behind and taller which is helpful but I am shit scared about it. I had to bury my mother about 20 years before her time - she refused point blank to do anything about her diet even though it gave her heart, kidney, eye, digestive, hormonal, endocrine, problems, cancer and worsened diabetes. Eventually she lost her mobility in 50s but the 25 years previous were a nightmare watching her in and out of hospital.

I am trying to be proactive to prevent the same fate for my DC. It’s bloody hard, I am hungry. But knowing what happens having seen it, it’s horrendous. My feelings, my addiction and bad relationship with food to cope with stress aren’t worth putting myself and my family through hell.

Please seek proper help, to stop this before you too are in and out of hospital. That isn’t a what if, but a certainty without action.

Hi Jade,

Your post resonated so much with me!

I think you've gathered from everyone else's posts that you have a bit of a problem.

Can I suggest that you tell your lovely husband you have realised that you have a problem and would like his support to address it?

I would recommend looking at the BEAT website, Jake Linarden's website, and investigate whether you have any access to counselling. If your employer has health cover, that will cover some access. I'm lucky, I have it through my employer, and my husband's. I need to investigate and get the ball rolling.

The key to addressing it, in my opinion, is to recognise that the food society we live in is very hard to manage. Our bodies are out of whack with hunger hormones and blood sugar all over the place.

The 'Why we Eat' book by Andrew someone or other is excellent at explaining it. No shame- our food is addictive for some of us.

The issue here isn't how much you are spending, it's the unhealthy relationship with food.

You can address this! I've lost 5 and a half stone this year. It's not easy, but you can!

@picklemewalnuts what an amazing achievement!! Thank you to you and to other posters for book and website suggestions, I am taking note for myself x

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you've received some incredibly unhelpful, horrible posts. You are not greedy or any of the other insults thrown on here. I faced similar issues and saw a nutritional therapist privately. She's amazing and really helped me get things back on track. I was a similar weight to you in my mid 30s and was in no way almost bed bound etc contrary to all the nonsense being spouted on this thread.

I just wanted to say well done because that's an amazing achievement!! And thank you for all the helpful advice x

Thank you so much for that.

As I said above, I'm not denying whatsoever that I have a weight problem, but it does get frustrating being told I'm in denial because I'm not almost bed bound and the like.

I see the food and the bank card as slightly different issues. You’ve acknowledged your unhealthy relationship with food plenty of times already so I’m not going to put the boot in (and my own isn’t exactly the healthiest either!) and getting a card purely to hide your food expenses is obviously a pretty extreme symptom of that. I hope you are able to get some help with this aspect.

However, in general, I think having a card of your own that you can spend on without your husband seeing your every move is a reasonable thing to want. My husband and I have both joint and personal Monzo accounts. All our money goes into the joint one but then we get a certain amount of ‘pocket money’ out of that into our personal accounts each month. If I buy something on the joint account my husband gets a notification, and vice versa, but that’s normally household expenses, groceries or something for the dog. If he got a notification every time I got myself a coffee or bought hand cream in Boots then I’d find that really invasive (and it would probably be annoying for him too). Likewise, I don’t need to see where he buys his sandwich every lunchtime. So I’d much rather have our own personal cards for those kinds of expenses.

Sometimes we need other people to be our mirrors and it sounds like your friend’s reaction to your secret card has forced you to face up to some home truths about your relationship with both food and your finances. I hope you’re able to come to a good decision about what you want to do with those feelings now.

Thank you for this.

And you are right about my friend's reaction. She's a bit overweight too (though not as big as I am) and we often joke about what we eat etc (have been friends since primary school), so it did take me by surprise when she reacted in the way that she did.

It’s not really about being bed bound. As I said my mother wasn’t in a wheelchair until her late 50s and she never anywhere near a bmi of 49. 30-35.

What I’m saying is you need to see a doctor - this week as you may already have high blood pressure, type 2 diabetes, thyroid problems amongst other things.

Even if you are lucky and that hasn’t happened. It would be important to have this checked and proper medical support to take action on the weight and deal with the mental health problem of addiction.

If you’d broken your arm you’d see a medic. So why avoid it when this affects absolutely every system of your body negatively. They are there to help you.

That’s what I don’t get, everyone has told you it’s urgent but rather than book a gp appointment, you’re mulling it over and saying that it is all a “risk for the future”… It’s causing you damage right now.