Having a pre-paid debit card to hide food spending from my partner

[jadeyxox]

So DH and I have a joint account for all our money (he earns more than me, but money has never been an issue with us) so we can obviously see what's being spent on the account.

I'll be the first to admit that my relationship with food isn't the healthiest, and I've always had an issue with DH knowing exactly what/how much I eat etc. Things like getting breakfast from McDonalds most mornings after taking the kids to nursery/school, or takeaways in the evening when he's working or out, or at the bakery.

I always got around that by buying a lot of stuff with cash, but with takeaway apps, and the pandemic with places going card only, I got a prepaid debit card from the Post Office that you can top up with cash, and then use that to pay at places or on apps.

I mentioned in passing to a friend the other day that I do this, and she seemed to think it was a really strange thing to do, and it's really been playing on my mind!

Thanks xx

It’s basically right next to my work so impossible to avoid (i’m not saying that means I have to have it, but in terms of avoiding it). Usually get it then sit and have it in work before I start.

So you’ve got a prepaid credit card to pay for your addiction. Clothes, drugs, handbags, would having a secret prepaid CC to hide that spending be any different?

You have an addiction and your first step needs to be to admit that. Cut the CC up, talk to your GP and then to your H. This isn’t about frivolous spending, this is about an addict ruining her health and food being her drug of choice.

You’re in denial and dubious behaviour is always easier to excuse and justify when you are in denial.

I say this with kindness, and hopefully it doesn't cause offence

Reading your posts makes me think that you may be suffering from some kind of eating disorder (they are pretty common but generally people associate them with under eating I think). Secret eating is a strong sign. Even if it's not a problem now, it may well become one as you are driving your eating 'underground' and that's not healthy.

I suspect that your OH is worried about you (unless he's controlling in other ways in which case it may be coming from a different angle).

The good news is that you can get help. Talk to your GP initially and take it from there.

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/binge-eating/overview/

No you're right, it probably wouldn't make it any better. I guess there's just a particular shame associated with it being food for me because of my weight.

No offence caused at all, thank you for taking the time to reply.

Just to say that DH is not controlling at all - he never raises the issue of money, and never has a problem with me going out with friends etc. He's never really mentioned my weight at all until quite recently, and that's only because he's had reason to bring it up in response to something in particular a couple of times.

I hope that posting here is a first step for you in addressing your very unhealthy relationship with food - all the very best to you

Thank you so much. It's certainly given me a lot to think about, and has made me realise that DH and other people are probably more worried about me than I realise.

I have read through most of the thread and all of your posts OP. I can certainly sympathise with what you're going through. I used to eat in much the same way you do and I can almost guarantee that you will probably already be pre-diabetic and from there it's a very short journey to type two. The McD breakfasts are probably the key to starting to deal with this. Even their bread is riddled with sugar ,combined with whichever drink you have (orange juice is about the worst thing you can choose) you get a temporary boost to your mood and energy level.followed rapidly by a crash when lethargy sets in.

I'm sure any slimming group you have attended has told you that a decent breakfast is crucial. They are right, porridge or eggs are probably the best things you could choose and either can be made the night before. I know mornings are hectic with your two little ones but really 5 minutes is all it would take. They might even enjoy eating with you. Getting your eating under control will be a life long effort and yes, everyone slip-up now and again but you and your children will benefit long term. You are the only one who can make the decision.I know you can do it

What are you having at McDonalds? If it’s an egg McMuffin and a coffee, and that’s your only breakfast, then it’s not going to be the main cause of your issues.

I have a McDonalds breakfast once in a while. Even adding a hash brown doesn’t take it to completely crazy levels.

My usual order is a double sausage and egg McMuffin meal (with hash brown and a latte) with a couple of extra hash browns and a cheese and bacon flatbread

My usual order is a double sausage and egg McMuffin meal (with hash brown and a latte) with a couple of extra hash browns and a cheese and bacon flatbread

@jadeyxox I added up that list using the McDonald's Nutrition Calculator and it came to 1355 calories!! Screengrab with full nutrition breakdown attached.

What are average calorie ranges for women?

Moderately active: To maintain weight, a moderately active woman between ages 26-50 needs roughly 2,000 calories per day. To shed 1 pound a week, she needs to reduce her calorie intake to 1,500 calories per day.

Active: Women who are physically active and walk more than 3 miles daily need to consume at least 2,200 calories per day to maintain weight and at least 1,700 calories to shed 1 pound a week.

Early 20s: Women in their early 20s require more calories. To maintain weight, they need roughly 2,200 calories each day.

Over 50: Women over 50 require fewer calories. A moderately active woman over 50 years needs 1,800 calories per day to maintain weight and 1,600 calories per day to shed 1 pound a week.

Pregnant or breastfeeding: Women who are pregnant or breastfeeding have higher calorie requirements, so these ranges do not apply to them.

Hugs ( or a friendly hand on your shoulder) just as you prefer

I'd class myself as a recovering addict, too. I can pour a glass of wine, take a slip and forget all about the rest when I am in good company. A taste of sugar and I honestly feel as if the rest is calling g to me, to eat me. I too much prefer to indulge my addiction in secret rather than in public.

While lots of people reccomnended therapy, I really don't feel comfortable looking outside myself for solutions. What I eat is such an intensely private activity.

The very simple approach pioneered by Gillian Riley has helped me more than any other thing. Gillian started helping people give up smoking and widened her field to cover overeating after noticing how many people put on weight after giving up smoking

It's a very simple approach, not necessarily very easy but definitely very simple and easy to understand

Very clearly not another diet, there are plenty of those around and do not seem to work for everyone.

The overcoming overeating approach is now fully online, supported with interactive sessions and lots of articles and books for anyone who is interested in the background. 121 support is also available for anyone who wants it. Being part of an online community of warm and supportive people all struggling with the same issues of overeating was for me very helpful.

The cost for me was easily earned in so much less waste on takeaways and junk goods. Hope you find what you need

https://gillianriley.com

OP your McDonalds breakfast in terms of calories is pretty much all you should be eating for the day.

You are going to keep gaining and it will get worse after 30 when your metabolism slows.

I usually avoid looking at calories etc for obvious reasons, but gosh that is awful I know

Obviously, that breakfast is awful, you know that yourself. What do your dc have for breakfast? You are getting up to take them to school and nursery and surely they are having breakfast at home. Why don’t you eat breakfast with them?

You have an eating disorder. Having to hide food like this is deeply unhealthy, regardless of how much or little you eat. A specialist charity should be able to help you.

DC have cereal or toast. I make that for them and they eat while I get myself ready for work.

Honestly I think you need to speak to your doctor, you are soon going to get to the stage you can’t walk. That’s an enormous breakfast to have and getting the card so you could deliberately continue was a mindful deliberate act.

this should not be about shame etc. this is about the fact you are very mentally unwell and can’t control yourself round food and are effectively killing yourself. Another few weeks of this and you will be bed bound.

What you’ve written is so concerning. you need to call your doctor and seek help.

Thank you for this 🙂x

McDonalds most mornings. Why would you do that to yourself!?
It's expensive, poor quality crap

I’m sure she is aware that it isn’t the highest quality food and that it’s not great for her health. Like any other addictive or compulsive behaviour, it’s done for emotional reasons: to escape stress and pain. It’s perfectly normal to want to manage such pain. Some people just have better coping mechanisms than others. Also, people vary in how much underlying pain they feel.

OP, maybe you can reflect on what you gain by eating this way. When I feel a loss of control around food, it’s always a reaction to stress. Food is an easy way for me to regulate my emotional state. I can almost instantly make myself feel calmer and happier by eating (usually high sugar/high fat).

I used to blame myself for my tendency to turn to food for comfort. I now see it as a coping mechanism that I developed as a sensitive child that didn’t receive the emotional support I needed from caregivers. The solution is not a straightforward one (I certainly don’t have it all figured out). But I try to create a healthy meal plan for myself, I journal about feelings, I talk to my husband about it and I try to take care of myself emotionally. Perhaps you could also find a support structure through your GP as others have mentioned.

I do appreciate your concern but I do just want to clarify that though i do have my struggles because of my weight, I do have an active job where i'm on my feet a lot.

I'm not making out that my eating or weight is ok at all, but just in response to comments like being bed bound in a few weeks.

Op you are missing rhe point. The point is as you continue to eat like this the bigger you will get and the more you’re mobility will decline. As such, yes in a few weeks, at this pace it’s unlikely you can continue in your job, you will continue to gain and continue to decline until you are no longer mobile. You’re bmi is already 49. The deterioration must already have started.

please call your doctor for help.

You’re sort of missing the point here.

If you take action now to lose the weight it will take you at least 2 years, more likely 3-5 to lose it in a healthy manner.

Never the less, the damage you have already done puts you at risk of cancer, cardiovascular disease, diabetes, shortened life expectancy.

www.hsph.harvard.edu/obesity-prevention-source/obesity-consequences/health-effects/

Yes you can walk around and do your job. But how much longer until you are facing the consequences? Probably early to mid thirties, so you need to seek medical help before that happens - ie now so that you have the time to sort the problem.

You’re brushing it off and in denial.

You sound like an addict.
You are also deceitful.
And a liar.
Imagine if your dh found out.
The trust will be gone.

Plus you maintain obese because of this lying habit. You say you have shame. But I don't think you have any.....
You are at mac Donald every morning. That is bizarre.

Imagine the reverse with your dh. And instead of food it was cigarreras or gambling. Anything really.

You need to cut your card up. And stop acting like a sneaky 15 yo.