Having a pre-paid debit card to hide food spending from my partner

[jadeyxox]

So DH and I have a joint account for all our money (he earns more than me, but money has never been an issue with us) so we can obviously see what's being spent on the account.

I'll be the first to admit that my relationship with food isn't the healthiest, and I've always had an issue with DH knowing exactly what/how much I eat etc. Things like getting breakfast from McDonalds most mornings after taking the kids to nursery/school, or takeaways in the evening when he's working or out, or at the bakery.

I always got around that by buying a lot of stuff with cash, but with takeaway apps, and the pandemic with places going card only, I got a prepaid debit card from the Post Office that you can top up with cash, and then use that to pay at places or on apps.

I mentioned in passing to a friend the other day that I do this, and she seemed to think it was a really strange thing to do, and it's really been playing on my mind!

Thanks xx

@jadeyxox be wary by addressing it with DH first you could be opening an emotional can of worms. I don’t imagine he’ll react well to this. I would be furious with my partner if I knew he’d spent that amount of money on an addiction. If he reacts badly it could make it harder for you to seek support.

If you go to the GP they can at least give you options of what is possible. And importantly rule out any contributing factors (hormone imbalance/thyroid disorder etc) to the weight gain. Check you for diabetes and heart issues.

At least following this you could say to DH, look I have this problem, but I am facing it GP has checked me for xyz and results are X, and I have been given xyz options. I really need your help to tackle this and help me move forward, sorry for all the lying etc etc.

Please let us know how you are, genuinely I hope you are ok and you’re able to seek help/have an honest relationship with your partner.

Maybe I have missed it, but has your DH not said anything about your weight? Or asked if you have seen a GP? I would have by now.

OP, tell your DH you've decided to eat better and you need his help with that but don't tell him about the card! I've decided to eat more sensibly too, so good luck to you and to all those who've decided to embark on this life mission.

I really feel for you OP. It is clear you have a food addiction/eating disorder.

Have you spoken to your GP about getting help? You have intimated throughout this thread that you are fairly well off, so would you be able to pay for expert therapy? Or even bariatric surgery?

I hope you find a way forward

You've got a serious addiction. What you're doing is exactly the type of thing alcoholics or drug addicts do - satisfying your addiction in secret and deceiving your partner over the amount you're spending on it. That's why your friend was shocked. Using a pre-paid card to hide your binge-eating from your loved ones is a really extreme tactic and the sign of someone who has very serious issues. It sounds like you might be a little bit in denial about the extent of your problem if you didn't think 'Wait, this is weird and extreme' when you hatched the plan.

I do sympathise tremendously because I also have a complicated relationship with food and also feel anxious and ashamed about some of the stuff I eat, and have definitely hidden things from my partner, like empty biscuit packets or chocolate wrappers etc. He isn't remotely controlling or horrible and would never dream of criticising my eating habits - he's an absolute sweetheart, in fact. It's purely about me feeling ashamed and hating myself.

I can go through long phases of eating a really balanced, healthy diet, along with exercise, and I always feel loads better when I do, physically and mentally - I have lost several stone more than once. But external factors will often throw me - for instance, a difficult family issue, a bout of depression, Christmas and an injury that halted my exercise for months last year sent me spiralling back into overeating and secret binge-eating and I was hiding that from my partner. I've only just got back on track a bit, but I'm massively ashamed of the amount of weight I've gained and that makes it harder to be mentally strong enough to lose it.

I would urge you to see your GP and see if there's anything they can do in terms of referring you for counselling or therapy that can help with the mental side of your eating problems - or, if you can afford it or have any kind of insurance through work or your husband's work or something, see someone privately. Your problem is not uncommon at all and there is help out there.

It's absolutely rotten feeling ashamed and guilty about food and so on, and you deserve much better than to be feeling like that - you probably feel like you're rewarding yourself with the McDonald's breakfasts and bakery treats, but you're really not. You're punishing yourself, or trying to block something out, or self-medicating in a way that's harmful to you. Be kind to yourself and give yourself and your body the respect and care you absolutely deserve. You're well worth it!

Take care xx

It’s not a thing he’s ever really brought up or made an issue of in our relationship whether I’ve been bigger or smaller, but there has been a couple of things quite recently where he has had cause to bring it up (not in a nasty/judgy way) yes

I may appear to be on your case, but if I were drinking a bottle of vodka daily, DH would drag me to the GP or a deaddiction centre. That would not be nasty or judgey. That would be saving my life. You are in the same situation, except with food. Listen to your DH and address the eating, not your finances.

Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that and I know he wouldn’t be being nasty or judgy. I just meant that the times he has brought it up recently has been in response to particular things.

You are v gracious. You don't need to apologise. I honestly think it might be best to confess all to your DH- who sounds nice- and get help. I was a caregiver for my diabetic dad for years, so I know that family help is a lifesaver.

Have you spoken to your GP?

I am not sure the issue your weight though. It's your relationship with food.

You can be overweight and happy or unhappy or whatever, but the patterns you are describing sounds like more than that, like an addiction or disorder. I think if perhaps you thought less of it as "I need to lose weight" and more of it as "I need to address my relationship to food" it might steer you in a more useful direction. It might also let you be a little kinder to yourself.

OP, I admire you.

You've replied to posters with thought and grace. You've acknowledged your issues and also said that you are going to take time to think about posters' replies before acting. This is sensible (in my view), rather than a knee jerk reaction.

I have done very similar to you and am also very overweight. I know how bad it is for my health and the impact it has on people I love.

I'm using My Fitness Pal which is working for me. We're all different, so our might find something works better for you. Regardless, you sound like a lovely mum with a family that respects and loves her.

I hope you soon find a way to tackle your difficulties.

I would recommend listening to the BBC sounds A Thorough Examination as linked above by Paq I haven't finished it yet but it is shocking to listen to.

It is eye opening about the science and what they do to Ultra Processed Foods to get us to keep eating them. Apparently when we try new foods we get a dopamine hit, when we eat it again we don't. However UPFs are designed to give us a dopamine hit every single time. We over eat UPFs, they have studied diets with the same salt, fat, sugar, fibre content from a more healthy choice of foods compared that to a UPF diet with the same nutritional content and the participants ate more, are less satisfied and are hungry again quicker. Not just a verbal I feel hungry but a test your levels hungry.

A huge amount of research goes into making the food addictive, from crinkly crisp packets, the sound a pringle's tube makes when we open it, to the ring pull on a can of coke. They don't care about our health, only their profits. The podcast is the identical twin brothers who are doctors, one gained 5 stone which is why they are looking into this.

Have you taken on board the advice and contacted your GP, or is this thread instead of getting help and it’s back to McDonalds tomorrow?

Hey! I think the biggest issue here is that you are hiding something from your partner, if it's just your own shame as you've said about the eating then either you need to really take a look at your eating habits and change them, or just be honest and open with your partner. If it's this bad I would honestly look at cutting down as it sounds a bit like it's out of control from the way your having to hide it. For your own health (and sanity), I would talk to your partner and tell him how your feeling. I'm sure he would want you to be happy and healthy either way. I know everyone has secrets but if it was one of my friends asking me this I would be quite worried my lovely.
Hope you find the best solution for you x

How would you feel if you couldn’t have the McDonald’s?

Were you rewarded with food as a child?

Ive had issues with food and a part of that was I couldn’t eat in front of others. I’ve managed to overcome that partially and can eat in front of dh but I do often feel anxious. I couldn’t eat in front of strangers.

Maybe therapy would help you?

Look up www.orri-uk.com @jadeyxox

I’m sorry you’re struggling with food addiction/binge eating. Hopefully you’ll seek and get the help you need

Your DP could not save your life by dragging you to detox. Detox, like any addiction therapy, will only work if the addict makes the choice. It’s not like in the movies. If your DP has a problem with how much you drank, then he would be advised to get therapy. The rescuer syndrome is a fallacy.

It’s something I look forward to, like I have my mind on it when I’m getting everything done in the morning. I enjoy eating it but also get the guilty feeling too.

No I wasn’t rewarded with food as a child - I was a size 12 in high school.

I haven’t yet, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to. Please stop thinking the worst of me, I know my weight is an issue.

Thank you, that seems really good advice. I know the issue is with food but that manifests in my weight of course

I would say it is a bit out of control, and that’s what I feel the shame about (as well as what it’s doing to how I look etc obviously)

Thank you, that’s so lovely of you to say x

Is there anything else that might give you the same feeling as eating a Mc D breakfast? Some thing you can look forward to instead. Take a different route from the school drop offs to avoid the temptation.

Op, you were brave to start this thread and I hope you can find the strength to take the next steps. Wishing you luck