Having a pre-paid debit card to hide food spending from my partner

[jadeyxox]

So DH and I have a joint account for all our money (he earns more than me, but money has never been an issue with us) so we can obviously see what's being spent on the account.

I'll be the first to admit that my relationship with food isn't the healthiest, and I've always had an issue with DH knowing exactly what/how much I eat etc. Things like getting breakfast from McDonalds most mornings after taking the kids to nursery/school, or takeaways in the evening when he's working or out, or at the bakery.

I always got around that by buying a lot of stuff with cash, but with takeaway apps, and the pandemic with places going card only, I got a prepaid debit card from the Post Office that you can top up with cash, and then use that to pay at places or on apps.

I mentioned in passing to a friend the other day that I do this, and she seemed to think it was a really strange thing to do, and it's really been playing on my mind!

Thanks xx

And you are right about my friend's reaction. She's a bit overweight too (though not as big as I am) and we often joke about what we eat etc (have been friends since primary school), so it did take me by surprise when she reacted in the way that she did.

I’m a bit overweight and love my food too, but I’d still be really worried about you if you’d were my friend. It’s not about the food itself, it’s the secrecy and the fact that you need to hide it.

Maybe you and your friend enjoy sharing a bottle or two or wine on a night out, but if she told you that she was buying and drinking secret bottles of wine and stashing the empty bottles before her husband gets home, you’d probably be worried about her, right? Not because of the wine but because of what the secrecy says about her relationship with it. It’s the same for your revelation about food and that’s why your friend was so shocked. I’m sure you already know this, so sorry if I’m just over-egging it, but sometimes it’s helpful to have it spelled out anyway I find.

Good luck moving forward with this, and do let us know how you get on if you feel able to.

Agree the whole bed bound thing is being taken out of context. The point being made is the ops mobility will be deteriorating now. She’s eating huge quantities, her breakfast alone is nearly a days calories, and that’s before takeaways and bakery items, so her weight gain will continue to ramp up and as it does, mobility will ramp down, there is no way round it, she cannot continue like this as she will indeed lose her mobility, pretending otherwise does her no favours.

She will already be seeing the deterioration.

No one is 5ft1 and carrying 18 stone around and not deteriorating, morbid obesity starts at a bmi of 40. She’s already at 49. This is not about her husband or the card, it’s about her health and the deteriorating path she’s now on. The longer it goes on, the more weight she gains and the harder it is to recover from.

The deceit around spending is worse than what sounds liken very bad diet.

This is no different to an alcoholic hiding bottles tbh.

How much per month are you spending and why exactly don’t you want him to know?

I just want to put the record straight and say our kids are not deprived. Yes ok that money could be spent on them, but they don't want for anything!

Of course your kids are deprived. You’re lying to yourself if you think they’re not. It’s not just the money - though the money you spend on your addiction could be spent in them, or saved for their futures. But you don’t even have breakfast with them - you’ve got time. You’ve got an addiction, and your children have to live with the fallout from that - financial, emotional, psychological, physical etc.

Hi OP,
I was in your shoes until last week. I weigh over 120kg with a BMI of 40, I too was secret eating - chocolate, crisps or pastries when I went to the shops on my own, again hiding from my partner (don’t live together). Takeaways 2 or 3 times a week as well. I’ve put on a lot of weight in the last 3 years, and I don’t look like the person I did when my partner and I got together. I am very conscious of that. I knew I was putting on weight, I kept needing to buy bigger clothes, always very out of breath when walking but I could put it to the back of my mind somehow. The desire to overeat was strong - I’d plan out when I could get my next binge when I was on my own.
I had a BUPA health check in October last year and was told I was obese, high cholesterol and blood sugars in pre-diabetic range. I did nothing.
In January a routine doctors appointment found my blood pressure was dangerously high. I was put on medication and sent for blood tests. But I still did nothing, if anything the binges got worse.
Last week I got a call from the diabetes team to confirm I have type 2 diabetes. I am not in the least surprised based on my diet but it still knocked me for six. The shame and embarrassment I feel that I have done this to myself is indescribable. And I have to take medication to get it under control.
But… it has given me the massive kick up the bum I needed to sort myself out. Because if I don’t I face a future of declining health and an early death - that’s the truth of it.
If only I could go back in time and get control of my eating 2 years ago, 6 months ago when Bupa told me, or in January when my blood pressure triggered concern. But I can’t go back, it’s taken this diagnosis to get me to take the action I need to. It’s really serious, I’m not going to give in to it - overeating is easy. Losing the weight will be hard. There’s only me that can do it. No one can wave a magic wand and make me thin.
Sorry this post is so long I just wanted to help you think about what your trigger will be, what’s your turning point? What will it take for you to take action? Please just don’t leave it too late.

Op, put of curiosity do you think it’s got worse since you got the card? Before it must have been harder to hide your over eating, (clearly as that’s why you got it) which possibly made you more accountable, now you can easily eat as much as you want and he can’t see it, so nothing to stop you, he only sees the physical results of it in your appearance and declining fitness levels.

if so, would you consider getting rid of the card? Just cut it up? It seems it’s your enabler. Would getting rid of it and making it harder for yourself to hide your eating habits, in any way make you reduce how much you are consuming?

I’m sorry, but you know absolutely nothing about my relationship with my kids and I think you are really out of order to be making comments like that.

Well done to you if you manage to make more time in the morning, but I’m a working mum of two kids with a lot to do every morning before we get out of the house. Whatever you think of me, you should remember there’s a real person behind this post, and you should maybe think about how your words can affect people.

I need to take a bit of time away from this thread now because I am finding it emotionally draining. I do appreciate all the time people have taken to reply and give advice, I really do. I just need a couple of days to think about what to do and how to talk to DH about this.

thanks xx

@jadeyxox yes, some of these comments are unnecessary. Try not to take them to heart.

@jadeyxox I hope you’re OK. Unfortunately this is AIBU and some posters think that if you post here you’re fair game to be absolutely ripped to shreds. Doubly so if you dare admit to being overweight, I’m afraid. Please don’t take it to heart.

Those who have been so harsh to the OP, do you really think you’re helping or are you just enjoying feeling superior and having the opportunity to have a right old go at someone? A bit of compassion and encouragement goes a long way and is generally far more effective than making someone feel like absolute shit. Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Good luck @jadeyxox and I hope the conversation with your husband goes well when you feel ready to have it. The hardest part is acknowledging you have a problem in the first place, you’ve already done that and you CAN make a change now. You’re stronger than you know!

You say your kids aren't deprived but if you keep up your eating habits they'll likely be deprived of a mother much sooner than is normal which will be absolutely devastating for them.

You have an issue with food and should try to get help for that, rather than debating the rights and wrongs of a pre-paid card. The pre-paid card is merely a symptom of your problem with food and hiding your problems, keeping them secret, is literally the worst way to address them.

Hiya everyone

I needed some time away from this to take everything in and clear my head. I wanted to say again how much i appreciate all the advice everyone has given (even those who weren't exactly kind).

I have got a GP appointment booked for this Friday to talk to them about it.

I haven't spoken to DH about it all yet. I almost did over the weekend as he mentioned my weight and it was probably the perfect opportunity but I lost the courage. I just don't really know where to start.

Well done OP!
Go to the GP first, that way when you talk to your DH it should be easier as you'll a game plan then and he'll know you mean business when it comes to changing and overcoming this.

Thank you 🙂That might be the best idea, but I know I do need to come clean with him and be fully honest about what I've been doing.

Can I just say op I'm really impressed with the way you have handled this thread which has bordered on getting out of control at times. I would agree with previous poster, see your GP, make your plan then tell your husband what you are doing and how he can support you best (which may simply be to leave you to it and not "help" by asking things like "should you be eating that" etc).

If I'm honest I don't thinknyiu have to explain the history to him unless you want to. He's aware that weight doesn't go on for no reason. The important bit is how you go forward from here, don't feel like it is required to self-flagulate.

Ok so glad I checked this thread again! I was so worried that you'd been driven away.

It's fantastic that you've made that appointment, and I agree that is a great way to introduce the conversation with your husband. It will demonstrate to him that not only have you recognised what you've done, but you've committed to addressing it.

I really hope that this is the beginning of a new way of life, and better health in the future. Wouldn't it be great to be able to join in games and activities with your kids, with all the extra mobility and energy you could gain? Best of luck!

Aww thank you.

And I do see where you're coming from, but after reading so many posts on here and what people have said, I feel like I maybe do need to come clean with him.

Thank you x

And you're right about joining in activities and things with the kids. We went for a walk at weekend as a family, and that was what DH commented on, about me being able to keep up etc. I guess that helped give me the final push.

Thank you for sharing OP, I know it can't be easy. I sort of have the opposite problem - in that my DP hides his eating habits from me (or tries to). I would never judge him for it but I do worry purely about his health from a life expectancy perspective. I know he has a terrible relationship with food so I haven't raised it with him as I don't think he'd respond well and I might make it worse - do you have any insight into how I should approach it? If your DP was to raise it with you how would you like them to do it (if at all?) Again, it's just a concern about health, no judgement and nothing to do with money

Have a listen to the radio podcast from Chris and Xand as one of the twins was addicted to ultra processed food it’s really interesting and may help you reframe your thinking - good luck on your journey too www.bbc.com/mediacentre/proginfo/2022/22/a-thorough-examination

Well done on making that appointment. I now have a healthy attitude to food but did go through a binging stage when I was unhappy many years ago and hid it from my DH. I remember the compulsion and the self loathing that followed.

You know that you need help with this as it’s a form of self harm.

Good luck and maybe start thinking about some things you’d like to do for yourself (not necessarily weight/fitness) as maybe a goal of some sort will get you feeling more positive and better about yourself.

That's a really good question and quite difficult to answer I guess. I'm not sure there's any good way to bring it up and I hate him doing it, but when he has, its been something related to my health/fitness (like at weekend) which I guess is nicer than making it purely about weight but its obvious what he's talking about.

I guess I'd say is there anything in particular you're concerned about, or that might be a hook to talk about it? Like for example at weekend we were out walking with the kids and I was struggling to keep up after a while, and he brought it up and said he was worried about me when we go away in the summer and it might be very hot.

Thanks so much, and thats a good idea x

@jadeyxox this is just the best news that you’ve booked the appointment for the GP. Fantastic step in the right direction. Make sure they check your bloods (diabetes/thyroid etc), bp and all that. Unfortunately they need it spelt out sometimes.

I think I felt quite emotionally invested in your story as just started my own battle and obviously saw my Mum go through a lot unnecessarily.

When you go to the GP it will give you a range of options and then when you do discuss this with DH you are coming from a point of strength.

Well done you xx

sorry i missed this reply thankyou and i will have a read myself-look after yoruself

Have a 2-min read of this it’s inspiring www.mytinypositiveactions.com/post/what-do-i-need-nothing?fbclid=IwAR1D_dcOjIPZOkV-ae3CBnOCmQV12GN-KZuSXqD42zMLS4AeLVcoh48raVk