Broken, is this a DH or a job problem?

[Feelingsadallthetime]

I am 34, I am (was) happily married.

I have spent years looking after others (DH's DC & another family member who has now passed) I found what I thought to be my perfect job 18 months ago.

I work with adults with mental health conditions. The majority of the people I work with are incredible and I really think the world of most of them. I put my heart and soul into my job. I have waited for this opportunity for so long.

My job can be extremely rewarding but also extremely stressful. My caseload is sky high and I put my all into every client.

My DH has been so used to having me home over the years (but slighly digged I needed a job when it suited him) which was impossible caring for his DC and ill family member.

I feel independent and I fulfilled in my job role. Some days my brain won't switch off though from work, some cases are so difficult to deal with that I without realising will sit quietly in a world of my own thinking about what I can do to resolve the problem.

I am also studying for my degree ontop of a full-time job which I understand has been a huge change for DH. My studying usually takes place during working hours on a Friday but it isn't always possible so I'll catch up if he's watching football or a film he's wanted to watch.

Since lockdown I have gained weight appropriately 3 stone this is due to stress and comfort eating/irregular eating habits whilts caring for someone 15 plus hours a day. Once this very special person passed away after a long 11 month battle with caner and a 12 year battle with korsakoffs syndrome I was so lost I threw myself into my new job.

For the first time in years I am able to earn my own money and have my independence which I know DH has struggled with. I used to wait for him to finish work so I could have a conversation, I was lonely.

I work hard to prove myself, I am caught inbetween trying to do my best with job but also still trying to be the perfect wife (pathetic I know)

I feel that I am crumbling rapidly, I don't have anytime to myself. My DH can be the most Amazing man but he can also be a massive arsehole. Tonight he's been a massive arsehole. I was still working after my finish time by 10 minutes, he threw the garden chairs around told me I'm mug, then started banging on AGAIN about my weight and how I'm always to busy fixing everyone else's problems that can't fix my own. It is true I have zero time for me but he has this obsession with my weight. He then said I look bedraggled and I never make an effort with myself anymore and I never wear makeup. I do wear makeup but I use tinted moisturiser instead of caking my face in shit, I still have my hair done and style my hair most days.

I am currently staying elsewhere because he's just hurt me a lot.

I am so torn as to whether I have a DH problem or a job problem. DH has offered to pay me to stay home which I don't want but his reasoning is my mental health is suffering which yes it is but I can't figure out which one is making me bad.

YABU - Listen to DH

YANBU - keep at it with your job

With weight loss he is absolutely not supportive, he'll encourage takeaways, pub trips, if I deline it's because "I've become boring"

Get rid of your vile husband. Well done on the job it sounds like you're doing great

If your relationship is going in bad places, I suspect that it is more important than ever for you to keep your job. Did he like you being totally dependent upon him? Is he threatened by the more independent you? That's rather...inadequate of him.

You absolutely have a DH problem. His dc? So I take this as not yours? He’s pissed you’re becoming independent and that your whole life is not geared around him.

the throwing stuff around, the digs about your weight - all that is awful and if I were you I would start thinking about setting up a life separate to him.

He sounds absolutely horrible. Like he resents you having any other life that doesn’t centre around him.

Well done on the job! It sounds great and definitely not as though the job is the problem.

He sounds truly horrible. What would you say if your friends told you that story? Ltb. And you should do the same

You sound lovely and well done for making the world a better place ☺️

Both sorry- you are doing too much in your job by the sounds of things and your boundaries sound very stretched which isn’t healthy or professional. You are not prioritising yourself or your home life, and that doesn’t excuse how your husband is acting or what he’s saying. He is being an arsehole.
you need to get some space for yourself and set some boundaries in your working life and talk to your husband. Your health should be a priority to you both and his support might be helpful in helping you to make healthier choices and carve out some me time.
Talk to him and be honest.

@BigYellowElephant i really do love my job, I don't feel like there is any other job in the world I'd rather do. I am not good at much but I am good at this.

@nocoolnamesleft I have also set myself up a savings account, this didn't go down well. He supported me with getting my job but life has changed drastically since for us both, now he's not supportive and blames every little thing on my job.

He has identified, as you have, that there is a problem and you have too much on your plate. What precisely is he doing to help ease the burden on you? Marriage is a partnership in the end.

i think you will find your mental health will improve when you leave this man. He sounds awful and very abusive. You are doing a job you enjoy and rather than support you he uses it to abuse you. Stay where you are and have a serious think about your future. Your 34 and life could be so much better

You’ll loose a good few stone ditching your dh by the rounds of it

You definitely have a DH problem. I suspect he'd have an issue no matter what job you do. Keep the the job and dump the DH.

Run. Like. Fuck.

Anyone who stands in the way of someone's happiness is an arsehole.

If I'm correct, he niggles over everything. I bet he moves the car keys before you go to work, deliberately bangs about while you study etc etc. He stopped being "amazing" once you had your independence. I hope I'm wrong, but "massive arsehole" is his default setting now. Paying you to stay at home, forsooth!

34, get out now, don't wait until you feel you have lost your 30's ! He sounds like an arse

Ditch the DH. So you've been looking after his kids? Your step-kids? And this is how he treats you?

He sounds like an abusive cock. He threw garden furniture around because you worked 10 minutes past your finish time?! That's not normal!

How long have you been together?

I think it’s understandable your job is taking most of your capacity currently as it’s a new job, one that will be very demanding and stressful, but also you’re loving it! Sounds like a lot ski by a degree as well but if you’re enjoying both great. Your husband sounds selfish and absolutely horrible. I would say keep doing what you’re doing and ditch the husband. Easy to say from the outside though.

Keep your job. All of it is about control. Consider if long term this is what you want in a partner and I think if you have no children together you shd seriously consider leaving.

Mahoosive DH problem. He resents you for moving onwards and upwards.

Do not give up your job and whatever you do, NEVER let him pay you to stay home.

A spouse is supposed to be supportive, which it doesn't sound like he is. Don't even get me started on his focus on your weight (the takeaway thing strikes me as sabotage)

If you can, get some space from him. Give yourself time to really think it through.

As an aside, when you were caring for his DC and this relative, where was he?

After reading your posts I’m definitely leaning more towards massive arsehole.

Read back what you’ve written here. He offers no support when you need it, picks on you about your weight gain, wants to pay you to stay at home (after making digs at you for being unable to work due to caring for his dc and a poorly family member) and throws things around when you’re 10 mins late home.

He wants you dependant on him so you have to do what he says and he can treat you as badly as he wants. This isn’t normal or acceptable and I would get rid of the husband long before I would give up the job if I was you.

He should be praising you for everything you have managed to achieve. And offering love and support after losing the relative you took such good care of. This man doesn’t deserve you, please don’t put up with this.

@melmos ❤

@SNWannabe my job is demanding and I do work hard I absolutely agree with him there but you just don't get into this job role unless you are going to give it your all. I do give it my all it makes a difference, it makes me happy and it can be life changing for my clients. I do agree I need time for myself and once I am settled I'll get there. I feel as though I need to prove myself in my job role as I am under qualified but I also still try and be 100% preset in my marriage, that leaves little time for me.

I think that the answer is both. You are brimming with enthusiasm and he was comfortable where he was and resents the change. If you are doing a demanding and challenging job as well as a degree, there is probably little quality time for him. If that particular table were turned, would you be happy?

The weight gain is horrible and his reaction is not good, it is bad!. But you cannot blame him for your takeaway or pub dinner choices.

It sounds like you have taken on too much with the job and the degree; to his detriment and your own. Do the job, excel at it, take exercise, eat well, take care of yourself, postpone the degree if possible and create space to just be!

He’s an arsehole and I’m not excusing his behaviour, but you should take some advise from colleagues/managers about how to put boundaries around your work.

Leave the arsehole though.

If he wasn't throwing tantrums it would be clear that you've a lot on your plate (a product of eagerly diving back into life, I don't blame you! I am guilty of this too) and he'd be working through the issue together.

But he's acting like a spoiled brat tbh.

I know what you mean about cutting off. I'm in a similar field. It might be worth learning how to do that. For yourself!

The DC are my step children now age 16 & 18 who have always lived with us full time, we have been together almost 15 years. We have a 14 year age gap. The plan has always been eventually I train so I am in a position to be able to support us financially eventually when he can no longer do his very physical job.