Broken, is this a DH or a job problem?

[Feelingsadallthetime]

I am 34, I am (was) happily married.

I have spent years looking after others (DH's DC & another family member who has now passed) I found what I thought to be my perfect job 18 months ago.

I work with adults with mental health conditions. The majority of the people I work with are incredible and I really think the world of most of them. I put my heart and soul into my job. I have waited for this opportunity for so long.

My job can be extremely rewarding but also extremely stressful. My caseload is sky high and I put my all into every client.

My DH has been so used to having me home over the years (but slighly digged I needed a job when it suited him) which was impossible caring for his DC and ill family member.

I feel independent and I fulfilled in my job role. Some days my brain won't switch off though from work, some cases are so difficult to deal with that I without realising will sit quietly in a world of my own thinking about what I can do to resolve the problem.

I am also studying for my degree ontop of a full-time job which I understand has been a huge change for DH. My studying usually takes place during working hours on a Friday but it isn't always possible so I'll catch up if he's watching football or a film he's wanted to watch.

Since lockdown I have gained weight appropriately 3 stone this is due to stress and comfort eating/irregular eating habits whilts caring for someone 15 plus hours a day. Once this very special person passed away after a long 11 month battle with caner and a 12 year battle with korsakoffs syndrome I was so lost I threw myself into my new job.

For the first time in years I am able to earn my own money and have my independence which I know DH has struggled with. I used to wait for him to finish work so I could have a conversation, I was lonely.

I work hard to prove myself, I am caught inbetween trying to do my best with job but also still trying to be the perfect wife (pathetic I know)

I feel that I am crumbling rapidly, I don't have anytime to myself. My DH can be the most Amazing man but he can also be a massive arsehole. Tonight he's been a massive arsehole. I was still working after my finish time by 10 minutes, he threw the garden chairs around told me I'm mug, then started banging on AGAIN about my weight and how I'm always to busy fixing everyone else's problems that can't fix my own. It is true I have zero time for me but he has this obsession with my weight. He then said I look bedraggled and I never make an effort with myself anymore and I never wear makeup. I do wear makeup but I use tinted moisturiser instead of caking my face in shit, I still have my hair done and style my hair most days.

I am currently staying elsewhere because he's just hurt me a lot.

I am so torn as to whether I have a DH problem or a job problem. DH has offered to pay me to stay home which I don't want but his reasoning is my mental health is suffering which yes it is but I can't figure out which one is making me bad.

YABU - Listen to DH

YANBU - keep at it with your job

dH problem!

Dump his ass.

Having read all your posts I'm appalled that you are working a full time high pressure job, doing a degree AND still doing everything at home. Where is your husband in this? Why doesn't he take some of this off you? The balance of work has changed and it is not just up to you to adapt

It feels to me as if he has lost his little domestic slave and is sabotaging you.

So his plan was that you raise his children and then financially support him after that. He had that very nicely worked out.
But now you're educating yourself, showing ambition, working at something worthwhile and building your confidence. And he doesn't like it.
The constant criticism of your appearance is to try to crush your new found self esteem. He's very threatened, isn't he?
I think you've outgrown this marriage OP. You're seeing his true colours.
When everything was happening the way he wanted he was fine.
He's now decided that he'd rather have you chained to the kitchen sink and do without your income.
Please get out of this OP. It's time for you to start a life of your own.
If he's throwing furniture about I'd consider that's he potentially dangerous too. They often progress from there when they sense they're losing control of the previously obedient little woman.
You sound amazing - clever, brave and destined for a really fulfilling, happy life if you go for it.
Please don't let him fuck everything up.

OP maybe I'm reading too much between the lines, but I'm getting the sense that whatever you do he'll want you to do something different. He wants you at home when you're not, working when you're at home. He wants you to lose weight (nothing to do with him btw) but does the takeaway/meals out to make it difficult - IF you wanted to. It's his way of exerting control over you.

You've found a job that means the world to you. And because you're putting your heart and soul into it (yes alright, maybe too much to keep it up long term but for now it's all amazing) he is no longer in control of you. Even though it's your choice, your job now has more control over you than he does, and he doesn't like it.

You have by the sound of it given most of your twenties to bringing up HIS children. I'm sorry OP, you're not his equal partner. As far as he's concerned you're his nanny and housekeeper and should know your place.

You now have another fantastic focus in your life, and you say you feel much happier away from him. Listen to yourself, and make the separation permanent. I suspect he'll make your life hell during the divorce, but if you have no children with him once it's over you never need to have anything to do with him ever again. You can block him on everything and live your own best life on your terms.

I am a qualified practitioner in children's mental health and agree with every word of this.

He sounds controlling. You’re not a team, you’re in his team meaning he’s the boss. It is fantastic you’re doing a job you love, doing a degree on top he should be proud instead he’s finding ways to chip away at your confidence. Maybe he doesn’t like that you’re becoming independent of him but his behaviour is horrible. I would seriously re-consider your relationship if he isn’t going to be supportive.

Quite succinctly put imo. Nothing to add.

He misses having his soul-destroyed slave at his beck and call.

He is the cause of all of your problems.

Bloody well done with your job. Keep at it.

This is all you need to remember.

Wow. This is appalling

I really doubt your husband is as nice as you claim. What are the examples of him being nice?

And stick to your job.

Well done on getting your career going!

Your dh will have to either learn to be supportive, the way you have been all these years, or get out of the way.

It sounds like he stands to lose the most if he does, so I would suggest you just define your boundaries and make him step up, and he probably will. If he doesn't, it's his loss.

I was not expecting to post this and get this overwhelming response. My god my hearts breaking but I no longer feel like I am going mad. So much of what you've all said rings so true and looking back over the thread I'd of wrote some of responses if I'd of read this post posted by someone else. It's seriously opened my eyes.

He's been messaging me tonight asking if i still love him. I've just put my phone on aeroplane mode. I never do anything like that.

You wouldn't believe how grateful I am for your eye opening responses. I am so grateful, I was almost ready to quit tonight.

Thank god for mumsnet!! Thank-you all ❤ I'm just going to keep rereading your replies and make everything sink in.

Just to add though I have no regrets with my relationship, missing my 20's and raising the boys, regardless of what happens from here I have had some amazing happy years and I know the boys will always choose to remain apart of my life as I will theirs. I don't feel like I missed out on my 20's just feel like I did mine different.

Remember work is like war, organisations will use you up and spit you out. However, if you enjoy it and make a difference, fill your boots.

Agree your DH sounds like he had it very cushy and wants the nurse with a purse, after years of you being the DC's carer but doesn't want to be inconvenienced. Get some decent boundaries. Reverse every situation and if your DH wouldn't put up with it, why are you?

I’m probably going against the sisterhood here, but, all is not lost.
You say you love your husband very much, which is lovely.
Your husband is acting out of fear, as most men do in this situation. He’s worried that he might loose you.
In your situation I would choose time at the weekend to have everyone sit down and lay my cards on the table: you-need- help.
It sounds like the children love you and would support you: just ask them, they’re not mind readers.
If your husband loves you he will agree to your requests. If not, then I’m sorry to say it’s the alternative.
I really hope it’s not, for all your sakes.

All of this. He resents the loss of his unpaid nanny and housekeeper. He’s a selfish, controlling twat. Don’t waste any more of your youth on him. You can do so much better. Leave.

Just to clarify I am not obsessed with takeaways!! I've always cooked home cooked meals but we did enjoy the odd takeaway, when I started to gain weight it was due to basically living on sandwiches and crisis for 11 months not having time to cook nor motivation.

Now with work I still enjoy cooking but struggle with time and planning so I buy gusto, if i am running late or if he doesn't fancy the meal he'll suggest a takeaway I usually just go along with it but I know I could say no. Takeaway is usually once a week.

I agree with @PinkArt and @MissLucyEyelesbarrow - this sounds abusive.

Well done for raising young men that you're proud of me then making a career for yourself. If he weren't abusive, then he'd be fully supporting you now and helping you to excel rather than giving you a hard time. As a minimum, he should be taking turns with dinner, housework, laundry etc etc to take the mental load off you at home.

You are so young and have such a long life ahead of you, you deserve to be happy and fulfilled and to be with someone who loves, supports and treats you as an equal.

You sound absolutely lovely, OP. He doesn't.
All the best to you.

Aeroplane mode sounds like a great idea, along with some general distance. Are you able to communicate with the kids separately, to reassure them that you still love them etc, you just need this for you for a while?
Give yourself a proper break from the home drudgery to re-energise and your brain some space from trying to give everything 100%. And give your husband and kids a chance to see how much you've been doing for them all, and for them to step up and hopefully show you they can all pull their weight. If you do want to return home, it should be a home that all four of you take an equal share in taking care of going forwards - cleaning, cooking, washing etc. This is their chance to show you that they care, through their actions.
If you were a friend of mine I'd be hoping you made the break permanent, however what would be most important would be making sure you see how much you have to offer. You took on raising kids that weren't biologically yours at a very young age, you've given end of life care, you've kick started a tough caring career AND a degree. You sound fucking great!

I know exactly how you feel about working in that field and why it's so easy for it to become your entire life. It's one of those jobs where you can work 60 hour weeks and still not dread going back to work the next week, even look forward to it! Your colleagues tend to be caring, interesting and compassionate people. There's nothing else quite like it. It's brilliant that you love your work. Your partner should be supporting you to do what you love.

I also strongly feel the need to address what he's said about your appareance. Mainly because I'm sat here with my unwashed hair in a knotty mess ontop of my head, yesterday's gritty mascara around my eyes making my dark circles even worse, oily skin, wearing huge unflattering baggy granny pants and a 10 year old bobbly sports bra and have been like this all day while I chase the baby around the house. I'm not naturally pretty, I don't exercise and have a lot of baby weight. My partner works from home and every time I see him, he tells me how sexy I am and can barely keeps his hands off me. He would never, ever dream of putting me down because I'm not making an effort... he's a selfish twat in a lot of other ways, so he's not perfect by any stretch and I'm not trying to show off. But you should be able to look your 'worst', and still be thought of as beautiful by your partner. Even my idiot has figured that one out.

You deserve much better.

great to be venting and all that but mumsnet can be quite quick to jump to “he’s a terrible controlling bastard” !

OP think it’s great you’re questioning the balance of your life and doing something you’re passionate about. adjustment is hard and just because he hasn’t adjusted that well to your change doesn’t mean he is a terrible person who is unwilling to change…all about the communication of the stuff that’s important to you and seeing if he’s willing to support you with those things <3 good luck

Personally, I would say to your DH that you intend to lose 10 (insert correct figure) stone immediately and get rid of him! Do not give up your job.

YANBU
Please do what you want to with your life. You sound amazing!
Also think of the weight you will lose when you offload him