Broken, is this a DH or a job problem?

[Feelingsadallthetime]

I am 34, I am (was) happily married.

I have spent years looking after others (DH's DC & another family member who has now passed) I found what I thought to be my perfect job 18 months ago.

I work with adults with mental health conditions. The majority of the people I work with are incredible and I really think the world of most of them. I put my heart and soul into my job. I have waited for this opportunity for so long.

My job can be extremely rewarding but also extremely stressful. My caseload is sky high and I put my all into every client.

My DH has been so used to having me home over the years (but slighly digged I needed a job when it suited him) which was impossible caring for his DC and ill family member.

I feel independent and I fulfilled in my job role. Some days my brain won't switch off though from work, some cases are so difficult to deal with that I without realising will sit quietly in a world of my own thinking about what I can do to resolve the problem.

I am also studying for my degree ontop of a full-time job which I understand has been a huge change for DH. My studying usually takes place during working hours on a Friday but it isn't always possible so I'll catch up if he's watching football or a film he's wanted to watch.

Since lockdown I have gained weight appropriately 3 stone this is due to stress and comfort eating/irregular eating habits whilts caring for someone 15 plus hours a day. Once this very special person passed away after a long 11 month battle with caner and a 12 year battle with korsakoffs syndrome I was so lost I threw myself into my new job.

For the first time in years I am able to earn my own money and have my independence which I know DH has struggled with. I used to wait for him to finish work so I could have a conversation, I was lonely.

I work hard to prove myself, I am caught inbetween trying to do my best with job but also still trying to be the perfect wife (pathetic I know)

I feel that I am crumbling rapidly, I don't have anytime to myself. My DH can be the most Amazing man but he can also be a massive arsehole. Tonight he's been a massive arsehole. I was still working after my finish time by 10 minutes, he threw the garden chairs around told me I'm mug, then started banging on AGAIN about my weight and how I'm always to busy fixing everyone else's problems that can't fix my own. It is true I have zero time for me but he has this obsession with my weight. He then said I look bedraggled and I never make an effort with myself anymore and I never wear makeup. I do wear makeup but I use tinted moisturiser instead of caking my face in shit, I still have my hair done and style my hair most days.

I am currently staying elsewhere because he's just hurt me a lot.

I am so torn as to whether I have a DH problem or a job problem. DH has offered to pay me to stay home which I don't want but his reasoning is my mental health is suffering which yes it is but I can't figure out which one is making me bad.

YABU - Listen to DH

YANBU - keep at it with your job

I'm in a similar position OP (without dh being quite as much of an arsehole) I'm in a similar job to you I think and I totally understand the dogged obsessiveness.
Very politely now, I would bet all my money that you are a fixer. Try and fix everyone and pour your heart into the people you care so much about, but it's never quite enough and someone always wants that bit more.
You did the right thing in leaving and staying elsewhere. Try to be your own advocate as much as you are another person's- how would you feel at a home visit with a client if their partner started kicking off because you were helping them. Would you think they were a positive influence in their life?
You sound like a wonderful kind person but it's very important to take care of your self, your heart, your health 🥰

@MayMoveMayNot thank you ❤

Um that will teach me for not RTFT 😑

This is quite true and a bit scary. He's also found someone who he is probably hoping will be caring for him as he gets older.

@Bigbadstan 😭 I am definitely a fixer, I desperately want to make life better but it's swimming upstream constantly.

I do feel better being away just giving my brain chance to breath and think clearly!!

I wish you all the very best with your situation x

I work in a profession where people burn out. The work is endless and stressful. You absolutely need to take proper care of yourself. That means taking some time for some exercise and decent food rather than greasy takeaways. Your husband sounds incredibly selfish. I don't think my life plan would ever encompass me staying home to raise two stepchildren and then going back to work so I could support a man 14 years older than me. I would be having very serious thoughts about whether this was the life I wanted.

You have a double problem. I don’t think you need to ditch either Dh or job. But both of you do need to sit down and alter aspects of your lives and expectations. (I say this because been there and done it).

so, job - bloody well done you!! Stick at it. It will get more manageable and easier as you go. You will find it easier after you have finished your degree. The end of that is within reach and you CAN do it. The job gives you so much back so keep going forward with it. But!! Do try to manage breaks away from work and studying to do something else - even if it’s just to walk to the pub together.

Dh - he needs to be told this is what you both agreed would happen and it will only happen if you work and study hard. So, you need help - cleaner, window cleaner, gardener, handyman once a month - whatever it takes. Perhaps instead of takeaways you can order some nice freezer meals from Wiltshire farm foods etc? Dh needs to step up and help with home stuff - and g arranging plumbers/sorting birthday cards/dentist appointments etc (the wife work?!). And he needs to do because it’s your turn now, you did it all to look after family etc whilst he had his chance at his career to get established. Now it’s your turn and he needs to change his mindset and not act like a toddler.

I spent far too long with someone who only ever seemed to tell me what I couldnt/didnt do. I was a nervous wreck by the time I left so get out now and find your confidence to live for you.

OP, it's a DH problem.

Plus it's clear that you love your job (and I bet you are very good at it) but less clear that you love your husband.

Husbands can be replaced more easily than jobs which are fulfilling.

You have dedicated your life up until this point to raising his kids when you were barely out of your teens yourself. Yet he can’t bear for you to have a life of your own now. To the point of belittling you and your appearance, that is actually a bit sick.

What do the SC think?

im sorry OP but maybe you’ve outgrown the arsehole.

@Feelingsadallthetime don’t give up your job, you’ll regret it the rest of your life. Being a student on top of this is super hard but for a limited time period.

You have done your bit caring for everyone now it is time for you.

DH is being a twat.

What I suggest is you throw some of your hard earned money and organisational skills at this to solve the problem

1. pay for a cleaner once a week, it’s about £30.
2. organise the children; they can do their own washing and ironing at this age, clean their own bedrooms and cook a meal each once a week.
3. DH can do two meals a week and his own washing and ironing too.
4. batch cook your two meals per wk plus extra so no complaints.
5. organise a Sunday meal or something as a family so you have that time and limit take aways/eating out to this or swap for an alternate day.
6. sign up to weight watchers and use the app it’s quite easy and addictive, incorporate an hours exercise (walk, swim whatever) into your routine twice a week. Do these things for yourself, not DH. And realise that high stress, inadequate sleep and bereavement make you gain a tonne of weight this is not your fault or your job.

Above all realise that a wife’s role is not to be a slave. And your husband is being disrespectful of your time, energy and achievements.

This is a DH problem through and through.

Ps if he and his children make no effort to comply with points 1-6. Then move on and they can sort themselves!

The big red flag is him ranting at you being 10 minutes over your finish time. Find a professional job where that doesn't happen.

If you had small children it might be different but your caring responsibilities are reducing and it is time to be independent.

Is the weight gain really about being busy or because you are unhappy?

He's scared you are outgrowing him and is knocking your confidence to keep you as he's fearful you'll leave him (ironic really!)

Ah actually, the poster above has been much more constructive than me, sorry, I was angry on your behalf! Start laying down the ground rules if you want to save the relationship and you can get through it…!

You sound wonderful at your job. Don’t pack it in. Do find some time for yourself though… get rid of your twat of a partner and treat yourself to a spa weekend.
Do not quit your job! You clearly love it and everything you’ve said here is mega positive. Definitely quit your partner though.. you deserve better xoxo

There's no point going back to more of the same. Is he dense? If you're doing more he needs to pick up the slack. If he wants more time with you then he needs to sort that out by doing more. It's not a very complicated equation.

At 51 I have just got a dream job. 3x my salary 5 years ago. I WFH. But everyone (4 kids) & DH know that I work 50 hours a week. I am not going to be picking up their shit, doing their washing or driving them around. They get back from school at 7. At which point I leave my office. They help me cook and shop. Or they cook.

Time to get every one 99% independent now. Who is cooking what days? What are they cooking. What needs to be bought for the recipe?

Every one goes shopping. Divide and conqueror the list. The more time they save you the more time you have for them.

And get a cleaner.

Christ!!!

He wants you to stay home so you can look after him and his children, but he puts you down.
But he also wants you support him when he's old.
So, basically you are there to serve him, and make his life easier?

I do love my DH very much, we have been happy for most of our relationship. Most of the time our relationship worked well but I was always missing something and it was a job I feel passionate about and my independence.

My DH can be an arsehole he's proved that but he has mainly been lovely, kind and thankful. We've always been a team and I understand this adjustment period is difficult for us both but I'm finding my feet and I'm slowly achieving my goals I want support, i supported him wholeheartedly when he went from employed to self employed. Life was hard lots of changes lots of struggles but we did it. I just want some support too.

I am just learning about me and who I really am.

My DSC are so proud and they are lovely amazing young men who I couldn't possibly of be prouder of.

I cannot have DC so the way life worked out and having them felt naturally right but they are growing up now and no longer need me like they did so naturally I felt lost and like I had a hole to fill

I wouldn't be rushing back. Let him take care of everything in his own whilst you look after yourself.

Then it's possible to discuss what changes he will make so things work out.

He has been a complete ARSE!

@Feelingsadallthetime

youve been happy because you've done what you were told/what he wanted

Maybe you should explain that to your fella. They are just so thick and don't think at all some times.

Keep your job and leave him if he's chucking stuff about and going on about your weight. I do think though a full time demanding job and studying for a degree as well is a massive change and not the same as getting a full time job even. But he shouldn't be acting abusive towards you because of it.

Are you serious?? When he was your age, he got you as a teenager to swoop in and raise his DC, and now you've given 15 years to that, he's still expecting you to stay home and tend to his needs and prettify yourself instead of fulfilling your massive potential and blossoming into the woman you're capable of being, with financial independence, job satisfaction and self-esteem?? Honestly, all these digs at you and your appearance and attempts to control and undermine you reek of his insecurity.

You say you're not good at much - I wonder where you got that idea? Because you sound fucking brilliant and you need to keep on with the degree and the work you love and not put up with his shit that will grind you down. It sounds like his short, medium and long term plan is to have you looking after him and your needs can naturally take second place. Well fuck that. If he wants to hang onto you, he needs to step up and support you not by paying you to stay home, but by encouraging and enabling your growth as a human being. Course he fears that you'll realise you don't need him, but he needs to stop being so scared and thick and realise that throwing things around will only hasten that and he needs to be brave and trust that you love him and will love him more if he stops being a twat.

As for your job, you can police your boundaries better there too, but not by giving it up. By realising your worth and that you need you time too. But that's you time. Not him or them time. Good god woman, you gave him all of your 20s and more! It's your time now.

Him losing his shit over you working past your finish time...him struggling with your new independence and not being supportive enough of your career - that's arsehole behaviour but arsehole behaviour that could be addressed imo. No one's perfect and its not ltb behaviour. Talk, discuss, lay your expectations on the line etc and try to work through it.

This though:
then started banging on AGAIN about my weight and how I'm always to busy fixing everyone else's problems that can't fix my own. It is true I have zero time for me but he has this obsession with my weight. He then said I look bedraggled and I never make an effort with myself anymore and I never wear makeup

Your weight, appearance, make up. These are comments aimed to hurt and these are not the comments of a loving, kind man.

He's an absolute prick op. A spiteful, abusive, nasty little prick. Decent men don't belittle their wives over their appearance and it's clearly not a one off.

Fgs don't give up your career for this twat!

I think you have a big DH problem and a hopefully-solvable job problem. Neither will be solved by leaving your job! Keep the job. Seriously consider ditching the H. The household is not all on you.

I'd say -- stop this train of thought where you keep having to "give your all" and "prove yourself worthy". It's not sustainable and it's not necessary.
Don't try to be "100% present" in your marriage and "giving your all" to every client. Give some of that 100% to yourself, carve out that time and space -- from work, from house stuff, from your husband.
This is your only life. You don't have to prove that you are worthy to live it. You're here. You're worthy. You're doing great work. Keep doing it, but for the satisfaction, for the value you bring, for making the world better for your clients, for living, and do it in a way that you can keep doing it (rather than burning out).