Broken, is this a DH or a job problem?

[Feelingsadallthetime]

I am 34, I am (was) happily married.

I have spent years looking after others (DH's DC & another family member who has now passed) I found what I thought to be my perfect job 18 months ago.

I work with adults with mental health conditions. The majority of the people I work with are incredible and I really think the world of most of them. I put my heart and soul into my job. I have waited for this opportunity for so long.

My job can be extremely rewarding but also extremely stressful. My caseload is sky high and I put my all into every client.

My DH has been so used to having me home over the years (but slighly digged I needed a job when it suited him) which was impossible caring for his DC and ill family member.

I feel independent and I fulfilled in my job role. Some days my brain won't switch off though from work, some cases are so difficult to deal with that I without realising will sit quietly in a world of my own thinking about what I can do to resolve the problem.

I am also studying for my degree ontop of a full-time job which I understand has been a huge change for DH. My studying usually takes place during working hours on a Friday but it isn't always possible so I'll catch up if he's watching football or a film he's wanted to watch.

Since lockdown I have gained weight appropriately 3 stone this is due to stress and comfort eating/irregular eating habits whilts caring for someone 15 plus hours a day. Once this very special person passed away after a long 11 month battle with caner and a 12 year battle with korsakoffs syndrome I was so lost I threw myself into my new job.

For the first time in years I am able to earn my own money and have my independence which I know DH has struggled with. I used to wait for him to finish work so I could have a conversation, I was lonely.

I work hard to prove myself, I am caught inbetween trying to do my best with job but also still trying to be the perfect wife (pathetic I know)

I feel that I am crumbling rapidly, I don't have anytime to myself. My DH can be the most Amazing man but he can also be a massive arsehole. Tonight he's been a massive arsehole. I was still working after my finish time by 10 minutes, he threw the garden chairs around told me I'm mug, then started banging on AGAIN about my weight and how I'm always to busy fixing everyone else's problems that can't fix my own. It is true I have zero time for me but he has this obsession with my weight. He then said I look bedraggled and I never make an effort with myself anymore and I never wear makeup. I do wear makeup but I use tinted moisturiser instead of caking my face in shit, I still have my hair done and style my hair most days.

I am currently staying elsewhere because he's just hurt me a lot.

I am so torn as to whether I have a DH problem or a job problem. DH has offered to pay me to stay home which I don't want but his reasoning is my mental health is suffering which yes it is but I can't figure out which one is making me bad.

YABU - Listen to DH

YANBU - keep at it with your job

Lots of good advice here OP.

To echo it - this is your time lovey.

Imagine being free to concentrate on your job.

Imagine being free to have time to yourself to sit and stare at a wall and think things through.

Imagine getting up in the morning, free from any other input, getting ready and going to work.

Imagine being free to work until you are ready to finish and coming home to peace and quiet and no other demands.

Imagine having a great week at work and relaxing at the weekends/ during your time off in a way that pleases you.

Imagine pottering around your own space.

Then do it. And shine.

❤️

He’s not used to having to step up and help out, his usual service has been greatly reduced and he’s struggling to accept it!

Look at what you get out of work, friendships, earning power, independence, a degree, feeling valued - now weigh that up against what you get out of marriage and explain that to you husband.

He needs to re a line his expectations and learn to cook, clean and die his share - not help out - actually adult and do his share of childcare, cooking and cleaning.

Have you been a team? You’ve brought up his children, you both work now but he won’t cook dinner or clean up. I don’t see any team here. Most people who want to follow their dreams don’t have to wait until dc are 18, a supportive relationship would have had you doing this 4-6 years ago but I suspect your dh wasn’t going to step up on the parenting of HIS OWN children so that wasn’t an option.
Keep your job. Work on yourself. If you don’t ditch the Dh ask yourself every day what does he practically add to my life? If he’s not doing anything around the house and you both work he adds nothing, life would be easier without you having to wait on him. Stay away while you think.

The DC are my step children now age 16 & 18 who have always lived with us full time, we have been together almost 15 years. We have a 14 year age gap.

Right. So you got together when you were 19, barely more than a child yourself, and he was 33. And he had, what, two children under three years old at that point? So he got himself a live in nanny and housekeeper, in something of an eyeblink after he and their mother split up. (Unless he's a widower).

And now, you've stopped being live in housekeeper and started to be more independent and he's switched from lovely to arsehole. Look, he was never lovely. He had what he wanted. It's easy to be nice when you hold all the cards and are getting your own way. He's being an arsehole and throwing things around so that you are intimidated into going back to being dependent. That's why he's said he will keep you at home so you don't need to work.

Leave him. He will never let you be you.

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. You shouldn't have to suffer like this. None of it's your fault.
You've started your own career and your husband is probably hating that you have your own independence and a life outside of him now.
Congratulations on your job and studying at the same time. I know it isn't easy!
Please take a long time to think about what's best for you. 💗

A stressful full time job, a degree, a marriage and a household which you hold together - something's got to give.

I'm looking at this from another angle from many pp - your job. Even if you had the perfect DH who's picked up everything when you started work, you are still committing too much of yourself to your job, to your caseload, to your degree. Believe me - there is no glory in burn-out and you certainly won't be thanked by your employers when burn out hits. Beware the phrase "Can't you cope ?". In effect you are doing 2 full time jobs with your caseload and your degree.

With some urgency I think you need to find a way of reducing your workplace stress. I personally think supervision every 6 weeks for a trainee is too little so I would request a shorter time span between supervision meetings, eg every 4 weeks max. The temptation for an enthusiastic trainee is to go full on and this is not a safe option for anyone - yourself or your clients and you are overcommitting yourself, giving clients unrealistic expectations about what they can expect of you, eg your caring for the Korsakoff patient. You should not have been allowed to provide 15 hrs of care per day in this situation and I'm concerned that at best, your team are taking advantage of your enthusiasm, or at worst there is insufficient supervision. If your place of work has access to staff support counselling I strongly advise you to take advantage of this. If they don't (and they should) please find some, eg through your union - you are in one -right?

I may be wrong, but I get the impression that your have only just started your degree studies this academic year. The first year for most degrees is an introduction - things really ramp up in year 2 and really really ramp up in year 3 and you need to factor that in

I agree with the minority of pp - your DH has recognised you're in too deep and and made a bad job of explaining his concerns. He may or not be controlling but even if you were footloose and fancy free, your commitment to your job is too much, even without your degree studies. Take some time apart, take a breath, arrange some counselling, and clarify what you want to achieve.

Believe me Feelings I wish you well but the first person you have to take care of is yourself, please take a breath

So from a teenager youve been looking after his kids-did he ever help with them when off work do anything for them?

sounds like hes scared hes lossing his housemaid not his wife

OP, do you know much about coercive control at all? I’m a counselling practitioner and I have heard similar stories before.
It sounds like your DH wanted you to earn money but resents your independence and May worry that you will find someone better/younger than him. He sounds very insecure and this is when coercive control starts.

What positives do you get from your DH?
Does he help around the house - is the housework equally shared for example?

If the job and your course are what you want, don’t give up on yourself.
Imagine if, hypothetically, he left you in 5-10 years time, you’d be so angry at yourself for not living your dream.

A partner should support and encourage not dissuade and control.

Taking you dh out if the question, you are over working yourself and letting yourself go doing a full time job plus full time course looking after the house is alot to take on for anyone you need to find a balance

Your husband is an abusive arsehole. It's heart-breaking that you can't see this and are so ready to make excuses for his behaviour.

Wake up, OP.

eg your caring for the Korsakoff patient. You should not have been allowed to provide 15 hrs of care per day in this situation and I'm concerned that at best, your team are taking advantage of your enthusiasm, or at worst there is insufficient supervision

If you re-read the OP, I'm all but certain the Korsakoff patient was in fact the DH's relative. It was after their death that the OP started working. It was the DH making her into a full time carer, and nanny to his children, from her late teens on.

At 34, you have a long career still ahead of you, and you are fantastic taking on a qualification while working. These are the hard yards. If something has to give, it has to be him, surely. You could be 34 with two toddlers, and you’d still be the wise woman upskilling and taking on a meaty role.

it is nice to hear that you had an enriching decade in your 20s, and that you enjoyed your role in rearing the two lads. You are right to identify the ‘hole’ that will be left as they grow up and move on. You have more than demonstrated your commitment to the ‘partnership’ - time for him to step up and do the minimum what it takes to keep the house ticking over a couple of nights a week.

I'm going to say it's probably a bit of both and not as clear cut as it seems.

It sounds like you've had a pretty happy relationship with a setup that works for you both and that would probably still be the case if you hadn't made the changes.

But the changes are making you really happy. The problem is with you both adjusting to them?

@scotscorner has summed it up better than I could basically. Everything they said.

The only thing I'd add (to elaborate on their excellent point) was that I had a thread a good few years ago and the response was definitely weighted towards "get rid of the DP". I remember pretty clearly feeling more and more validated and this new sense of clarity and almost... excitement? That I had the answers and could action them immediately.

Once I'd calmed down I saw that it was the totally wrong decision. I'd forgotten that internet strangers didn't actually know all the things they needed to know (humans and our relationships are seriously complex!) and I kinda got carried away. By the time I realised, it was too late. And after the initial phase of enjoying "this being my time" without any of the cares or stresses, I was left just incredibly lonely and full of regret. Years later and I still think about it from time to time, especially when trying to get into new relationships and realising how incredibly lucky I was and how totally naive I'd been to not see that. It was zero fault of the posters of course, and I take 100% responsibility.

But hearing hundreds of internet strangers telling you your DP is a dick and how you definitely deserve better gets to your head! I'm still looking for someone better years later

Hope this doesn't cause offence to anyone - of course these threads are massively helpful and loads of the advice and support is gold! Just a reminder to op to really think about it even if there is an overwhelming consensus.

I always tend to think about these situations in reverse and as much as the DH is coming across as a dick here, the other side is that the person he was in a happy relationship with for years has made some pretty big changes in what sounds like a short space of time, and these changes have made him unhappy or had a detrimental effect on the OP or the relationship (in his opinion). If this was a reverse and it was the DH who'd done a 180 that affected their mental health, free time, appearance, and just general relationship dynamics I do wonder if the responses would be different but IDK.

The weight that you need to lose now is your H who is dragging you down.
The talking about your appearance, makeup etc- that's controlling, horrible behaviour. My DH never, ever comments on what makeup I wear. Truth be told he doesn't even know what half of it is!!
You do sound like you're exhausting yourself at work and study, but that's a different conversation on managing your time and boundaries.

Wisherwood

My mistake

Could you clarify the time line? Were you a teenager when you met? To then spend your 20s caring for a much older man's children?

Just a reminder to op to really think about it even if there is an overwhelming consensus
What total rubbish! We are talking about a grown man abusing the one person he is supposed to love, respect and support, who’s suddenly lost his housewife - which means more he needs to do, and throws personal insults instead of bringing solutions to the table? That’s not acceptable in any form.

Myabe OP taking some time to clear her head, and do something for herself that isn’t running round after a sick relative, someone else’s children or attending to someone’s else’s needs - whilst being abused, and actually doing something for herself will do her the world of good -

Your job is a red herring here. Sounds like you need to step back a bit from work but also your DH sounds like an abusive arse. The fact he’s much older, you got together when you were very young and is now sulking and trying to pay you to stay at home instead of having financial independence is a huge red flag.
get rid of him but also set some boundaries at work

He's a dick. A big change is always hard. But everyone I know works over hours sometimes - whether 10 mins or 3 hours to get shit done. Throwing things and insulting your weight is beyond the pale. In sickness and in health, for better or worse. This he said. And he's breaking his vow.

You have a DH problem. He used to tell you to get a job to diminish your work. Now he tells you you work too much. Basically he wants a stay at home wife who brings in money? To make you try and achieve the impossible. So you never feel enough.

Husband issue. I would leave over this. Sorry op x

He is abusive, manipulative and controlling.

Yes you're somewhat engrossed with work/uni at the mo, but a decent husband would accept it as just something that's happening currently.

Throwing things and verbal/psychological abuse are never ok.

He also struggles with you no longer being under the thumb anymore and don't 'need' him so much.

I had a relationship with the same age gap and they can have a certain dynamic where there's a bit of a power imbalance in the older man's favour.

In general, he's not good @Feelingsadallthetime x

I found this forum great in helping me break free from a coercive man. I hope it can help you too, whatever you decide. x

Just to add though I have no regrets with my relationship, missing my 20's and raising the boys, regardless of what happens from here I have had some amazing happy years and I know the boys will always choose to remain apart of my life as I will theirs. I don't feel like I missed out on my 20's just feel like I did mine different.

OP I'm really glad that you see that time as a positive. However I can't help feeling that that was irrelevant to your H, and that he would have expected it even if you hated it and were resentful.

You've always been a team because he just had to work and you had to care for him, his children and a relative. You waited for him to get home and had a small life. He's angry now that you have more.

I’m struggling to think of a thread where a 30 something childless man was berated for working hard to build his career and get more qualifications.

He would be told that he was a hero for giving years of his life to bring up his wife’s children. And that now it was time for his wife to step up and support him by doing most of the housework and helping him in his career.

@Threetulips you might be completely right. I'm not disagreeing with you.

My point was mainly that it might not be a job problem or a DH problem where the solution is to choose one and drop the other, it might be a change problem.

Regardless of how I might personally view their setup, with OP being a housewife and sahp to his children and essentially doing everything at home (including caring ) while he earned the money, that's been their reality for 15 years and afaik OP was happy with that. She's said their plan was always to switch over, so she'd be earning the money while he retired and (presumably) took on the burden at home.

But it sounds like neither are really flourishing (for want of a better word) with these changes. And I'm struggling to see how most couples wouldn't struggle to be honest? He's had OP to take care of everything except bringing home the money, while OP has went from sahp and housewife to an incredibly demanding full-time role AND a degree on top.

It might very well be LTB material, or it might be something they can work through together (if they have indeed been happy up until now and both wanted this to happen in theory but are now struggling with the reality).