Broken, is this a DH or a job problem?

[Feelingsadallthetime]

I am 34, I am (was) happily married.

I have spent years looking after others (DH's DC & another family member who has now passed) I found what I thought to be my perfect job 18 months ago.

I work with adults with mental health conditions. The majority of the people I work with are incredible and I really think the world of most of them. I put my heart and soul into my job. I have waited for this opportunity for so long.

My job can be extremely rewarding but also extremely stressful. My caseload is sky high and I put my all into every client.

My DH has been so used to having me home over the years (but slighly digged I needed a job when it suited him) which was impossible caring for his DC and ill family member.

I feel independent and I fulfilled in my job role. Some days my brain won't switch off though from work, some cases are so difficult to deal with that I without realising will sit quietly in a world of my own thinking about what I can do to resolve the problem.

I am also studying for my degree ontop of a full-time job which I understand has been a huge change for DH. My studying usually takes place during working hours on a Friday but it isn't always possible so I'll catch up if he's watching football or a film he's wanted to watch.

Since lockdown I have gained weight appropriately 3 stone this is due to stress and comfort eating/irregular eating habits whilts caring for someone 15 plus hours a day. Once this very special person passed away after a long 11 month battle with caner and a 12 year battle with korsakoffs syndrome I was so lost I threw myself into my new job.

For the first time in years I am able to earn my own money and have my independence which I know DH has struggled with. I used to wait for him to finish work so I could have a conversation, I was lonely.

I work hard to prove myself, I am caught inbetween trying to do my best with job but also still trying to be the perfect wife (pathetic I know)

I feel that I am crumbling rapidly, I don't have anytime to myself. My DH can be the most Amazing man but he can also be a massive arsehole. Tonight he's been a massive arsehole. I was still working after my finish time by 10 minutes, he threw the garden chairs around told me I'm mug, then started banging on AGAIN about my weight and how I'm always to busy fixing everyone else's problems that can't fix my own. It is true I have zero time for me but he has this obsession with my weight. He then said I look bedraggled and I never make an effort with myself anymore and I never wear makeup. I do wear makeup but I use tinted moisturiser instead of caking my face in shit, I still have my hair done and style my hair most days.

I am currently staying elsewhere because he's just hurt me a lot.

I am so torn as to whether I have a DH problem or a job problem. DH has offered to pay me to stay home which I don't want but his reasoning is my mental health is suffering which yes it is but I can't figure out which one is making me bad.

YABU - Listen to DH

YANBU - keep at it with your job

What a dickhead.

Don't postpone the degree FGS. What terrible advice from Yarboo your husband would be delighted if you did that. He's supposed to be your biggest cheerleader..

You could approach it from a pov to him that you agree you've over stretched yourself and you aren't sure how to navigate this.

But his behaviour around it is completely unacceptable. He can't bully you into making changes.

The weight side of things may be phenomenally difficult to tackle. That shouldn't be his concern at all either in the way he is doing. He's damaging your self esteem terribly.

You may be able ti navigate it honestly together maybe via counselling.

Or get counselling for yourself and get out.

The plan has always been eventually I train so I am in a position to be able to support us financially eventually when he can no longer do his very physical job.

Then he's being a twat. You're a team and he's not playing.

Your work sounds valuable and rewarding. It's great you are so passionate about it, but for your sake, I think it would be best to learn strategies to switch off. Otherwise, you risk burnout

@Yarboosucks this has always been the plan though,once the DC are independent I go after my dream. I have every friday as a study day, I also get an extra 3 days study a month so I am well ontop of my work in that prospective and it doesn't interfere with my homelife.

@WarriorN I will definitely get to the point I'll be able to cut off i think it's just going to take time. I love what I do mostly and want to do my best.

Keep the job and ditch the husband. This isn't love op.

OP, ditch the extra weight, and by that, I mean your husband.

You're doing great things in something you love and are passionate about. If he was a supportive partner, he would be encouraging that! It seems like he feels threatened by the loss of the status quo because he can't control you anymore and that's a him problem.

You've got a great opportunity here and it'd be a shame to regret it down the line if you gave it up. Continue doing this amazing opportunity and I wish you the best with it all 🌺

I agree it’s a DH problem, and especially how he’s being about your weight.

however as an additional point -

My job can be extremely rewarding but also extremely stressful. My caseload is sky high and I put my all into every client.
^

this rings alarm bells for me and you need to be really careful you don’t burn out.
there’ll always be more people waiting for help than you/your team can help. There will never be enough hours in your working day to do everything you need to do to the standard you’d like to do it. And it would be good to develop your ability to switch off from work:

but yes totally agree DH is not helping or being supportive

Definitely a DH problem. And he'll pay you to stay at home 😮.. how will that work out when he retires before you, given the age gap, when you don't have the earning potential you're developing now, given that you've been at home looking after his children (and facilitating him earning while you provided free childcare).

Sounds like he's pissed off that he now doesn't have a housekeeper / maid available when he wants.

You may well need to look at work levels / input purely from a burn out point of view, be aware of the amount of yourself you are giving over time, but that doesn't seem to be the issue right bow. You need to focus on yourself, it's a lot of time you've given up looking after other people.

Congratulations on finding a job that you love and bettering yourself with a degree, you are doing amazing, keep at it!

@QWE96 thank you ❤

@Iliketeaagain I do feel close to butnout sometimes and after reading others opinions it's making me think it's probably because I also run the house single handedly ontop of my job.

So you were a teenager when you got together? And he was about your age now, with two young kids? Sheesh. No judgement about age gap relationships in general, but a huge amount of judgement at him for this. He was in his 30s when you were barely an adult? And you've missed out building a career in your 20s to raise his kids so he didn't need to?
Others here know far more about abusive, controlling relationships than I do, but this is raising red flags all over the shop. It sounds like this is the first time in your adult life you've done something for you and he is really showing his hand.

Yes he sounds like a twot.

But some of the things you say are concerning. Like pp, why are you giving so much to your job and ignoring loads of other areas: the three stone you've put on, your health, your weight and not paying anybody enough attention. Not just your husband, but yourself. because of your dedication to your job, you don't need to give 110% all the time. you need to show balance self restraint and give enough of yourself to do a good job, while focusing on your marriage, relationships, your own health, your own weight gain. he does actually have a point - he's probably fed up you're now giving all your attention to your job and ignoring everything else, which you kind of are.

I am currently staying elsewhere trying to get things into prospective. He made me feel like quitting tonight. Posting on here for advice has been the best thing I could possibly of done. Thank you to each and every one of you.

My thoughts too.

it's great you're doing a job you love and yes of course your dh is bu. have you thought, just wondering, that the reason you're doing a job like this is because maybe you've felt emotionally unsupported over the years by him? or ...that you need to care, and that now it's caring for yourself financially he can't take it. Feels threatened in some way. you didn't say who the family member was you were looking after (you don't have to disclose this obviously) but I sense a backstory here.

yes his behaviour sounds awful but it's up to you if you think having a genuine conversation about how you and he feels and maybe you can work something out of the marriage is salvageable.

its both
he is not understanding and may be concerned about your workload but not communicating well and you are over working. I can totally empathise as I work with a caseload and am a perfectionist. You will never be able to fix all of the problems and if you try to you will burn out. What processes and systems are you working within that protect your well-being? What is your supervision like? I learnt when I worked on a CAMHS team under clinical supervision to leave my work behind at a certain point and accept I can’t change everything and my management should reflect and support that.

So basically your oh has controlled you since you were barely out if your teens?

And now he is losing a bit of control he can't cope?

@Oblomov22 I ageee I am neglecting other areas of my life massively but I have had to throw myself into my job, i was on a 6 month probation before I could start my degree, I had no choice but to prove to my bosses and to myself that I can do this.

If he came home and prepared tea or helped out a bit I'd at least have a bit of time to myself but I literally do everything. I started do everything when we got together to prove I was capable and worthy and now I'm doing exactly the same with my job!! It's fucked up!! After writing and reading that back I know I need to work on myself 😩

Ditch the husband

This.
Marriage is a partnership and it suited him with you being home looking after his children (you may see them as your children too, but that's beside the point I'm trying to make - sort of.)and also whilst you were caring someone.

Seeing someone at end of life care will make you realise especially about how money comes and goes but time doesn't. Don't waste it with someone who isn't invested in you and wants the best for you, this is what your husband should be doing.

If he's not, and you were my daughter I'd be advising you leave and go fly to enjoy yourself, have some conversations with him as it has been a long relationship and see if he is willing to change, see how you feel, but if you do this set a mental deadline of say 3 months, see how you feel if there has been changes great, if not, have an exit strategy.

All the best OP

@Thighdentitycrisis my supervision every 6 weeks. My boss knows I am over worked our whole team is. We all put everything into our job being told once we're over the worst of lockdown and the impact its had on people things would slow down but now with the cost of living, housing shortages and so much uncertainty it's more manic than my colleagues have ever known it. My senior colleagues have been in the role 20+ years.

Due to this I have been going easier on myself knowing this is not a quick manic episode but a longterm slog which will no doubt get much worse before it gets better

I

This was far more eloquent than I could manage.

more red flags than a communist barbecue here.

OP, you sound awesome and it sounds like this is your time.

You're only young. I'd definitely choose your job over your DH given the joy it's bringing you.

And being with someone isn't everything, but I bet you'd end up with someone much more fab in 5 years time.