Broken, is this a DH or a job problem?

[Feelingsadallthetime]

I am 34, I am (was) happily married.

I have spent years looking after others (DH's DC & another family member who has now passed) I found what I thought to be my perfect job 18 months ago.

I work with adults with mental health conditions. The majority of the people I work with are incredible and I really think the world of most of them. I put my heart and soul into my job. I have waited for this opportunity for so long.

My job can be extremely rewarding but also extremely stressful. My caseload is sky high and I put my all into every client.

My DH has been so used to having me home over the years (but slighly digged I needed a job when it suited him) which was impossible caring for his DC and ill family member.

I feel independent and I fulfilled in my job role. Some days my brain won't switch off though from work, some cases are so difficult to deal with that I without realising will sit quietly in a world of my own thinking about what I can do to resolve the problem.

I am also studying for my degree ontop of a full-time job which I understand has been a huge change for DH. My studying usually takes place during working hours on a Friday but it isn't always possible so I'll catch up if he's watching football or a film he's wanted to watch.

Since lockdown I have gained weight appropriately 3 stone this is due to stress and comfort eating/irregular eating habits whilts caring for someone 15 plus hours a day. Once this very special person passed away after a long 11 month battle with caner and a 12 year battle with korsakoffs syndrome I was so lost I threw myself into my new job.

For the first time in years I am able to earn my own money and have my independence which I know DH has struggled with. I used to wait for him to finish work so I could have a conversation, I was lonely.

I work hard to prove myself, I am caught inbetween trying to do my best with job but also still trying to be the perfect wife (pathetic I know)

I feel that I am crumbling rapidly, I don't have anytime to myself. My DH can be the most Amazing man but he can also be a massive arsehole. Tonight he's been a massive arsehole. I was still working after my finish time by 10 minutes, he threw the garden chairs around told me I'm mug, then started banging on AGAIN about my weight and how I'm always to busy fixing everyone else's problems that can't fix my own. It is true I have zero time for me but he has this obsession with my weight. He then said I look bedraggled and I never make an effort with myself anymore and I never wear makeup. I do wear makeup but I use tinted moisturiser instead of caking my face in shit, I still have my hair done and style my hair most days.

I am currently staying elsewhere because he's just hurt me a lot.

I am so torn as to whether I have a DH problem or a job problem. DH has offered to pay me to stay home which I don't want but his reasoning is my mental health is suffering which yes it is but I can't figure out which one is making me bad.

YABU - Listen to DH

YANBU - keep at it with your job

So you are working, studying AND doing everything at home.

Whilst your not so dear H and SC, continue to treat you like a household appliance.

Just stop. Stop.

I agree with Pp who said that he picked you for a reason, you were young, eager to please and he could easily manipulate you into thinking that taking over the parenting and being a SAHM was a great idea!

You are young and missed out on doing this when you were younger.

You need to start putting yourself first and do what you want.

IMO, I would leave him. Let him parent his children, take on the domestic drudge and work full time as well. I bet he would put on more than three stone as his handmaiden would no longer be there to make life at home comfortable for him.

He's upset because he's losing his housekeeper

Ditch him now.

You shouldn’t have to be fitting your study in around periods when he doesn’t want your active presence eg watching football. This should count as you working, so whilst you study, he should be making the tea or doing the washing or whatever. Then you can both relax afterwards.

I bet he doesn’t worry about being 100% present in the marriage - I’m not entirely sure what you mean by this - but suspect that if he stepped up with the housework then you could have more ‘together’ time.

However, as a previous poster mentioned, this is probably a big adjustment for him. So I would stand your ground but give him another chance if he’s willing to start pulling his weight.

KEEP AT IT WITH YOUR JOB. ITS HIM. NOT YOU.

YOU DESERVE BETTER. MY SISTER SAID TO ME THIS IF SOMEONE MENTIONS YOUR WEIGHT -

"I MIGHT HAVE PUT WEIGHT ON BUT AT LEAST I'M NOT UGLY"

This was like 15 years ago but still works today at 37 ;)))

Also do yourself a favour and get rid of him. This time next year you will have met the love of your life and will be flying high.

Always be aware of those who don't cheer for you when your life is going good and pay attention to those who are only happy when you are down and out.

He sounds narcissistic

Keep the job & studying, bang as much money in your savings account & when the time is right leave him.

Unbelievable

He's basically used you as a free nanny for his kids.

He wants you under his thumb and feel like 💩 about yourself because it suits him.

He's probably worried you'll actually realise your self worth and the fact you deserve to be treated like a queen for the sacrifices you've made so he can custody of his children AND still have a career.

I agree his behaviour seems abusive, throwing chairs around in a sulk so you then worry about him getting angry if don't finish exactly on time. Trying to get you to quit and stay home so he holds all the cards financially = power. Constantly making nasty remarks to lower your self esteem.

The funny thing is you'd probably find as many women do when they do shift the weight, start to feel more self confident and perhaps dress differently, their partners aren't always happy with the change. They may suddenly start to worry she will find someone better than them, so become jealous and knock her confidence back down.

Your weight is not an issue here ok.hes making it so to strip you down.losecyour confidence so he can make you lose the life,job independence you've gained and go back to being under his thumb like a young girl with no confidence. Your man should love you whether you wear fucking makeup or not! Jeez.our weight fluctuates throughout life and it's changes.it is normal as much as society likes to deem and shame anything other than the privilege thin ideal.it will ebb and flow I suspect it would be more level if u weren't feeling like you do from this dick.
The pressure of work I think will ease.but it will do so via you being able to come home to your safety net,your commune.this is essential especially for mental health workers.
You come home to support.to your own respite care.hes not giving you that has bring you home to mental fucking illness making behaviour himself!
I'd seriously think on how you need to go forward here.what YOU need to make home life the settled place it should be,and whether that means this man can be or should bed be it.

You are awesome OP. Drop this dead wood and you will soar high with happiness and success.
A jealous, bitter, angry and controlling, not to mention nasty bullying partner belongs in one place only, the past.
Fuck weight and makeup and keep nourishing and putting the effort into your brain, through work and study OP. An amazing life and freedom are yours for the taking.

He sounds like an absolute bellend. You are 34, not 74, of course you shouldn’t be at home! At that age you should be enjoying your career, developing your personal goals and enjoying your obvious talent with your clients!
He sounds really narcissistic to comment on your weight and then put traps for you. Get rid, lose the weight for yourself (not for him) and enjoy a healthier life physically and mentally.

I know I am late to the thread here but I couldn't not say this. So your husband, in his mid 30s, having made a mess of his first relationship, got together with a teenage girl to look after his children and then work to support him once he is ready to retire.
I think you've been taken for an absolute mug here. You're supposed to be the unpaid skivvy, and now that you're showing signs of getting some independence your husband is sweating that he might lose his nursemaid/retirement plan. Don't listen to a word he says. 'That job takes advantage of you." Yeah sure, he's correctly identified that you don't have good boundaries around helping people, of course he would know that, that's why he preyed on you in the first place. But at least the job gives you something back, and in the blissful silence that will follow when you leave, you will have the peace to start to investigate your own motives, know yourself better, and decide where you want to focus your energies.

He doesn’t sound as though he’s on your side or supportive of you at all

You sound like a truly inspiring young woman.

Your scum of a husband is an abusive, predatory pig.

You were absolutely targeted by him when you were a teenager.

You raise his children and now he wants you working to pay for his retirement?

Where is your value on YOUR life?

He is texting you because he wants his work horse home.

Please stay where you are.
Keep this job.

Do not go back to this lazy selfish excuse of a man.

This is not someone you want to grown old with.

Divorce him, sell your home and start living your life for you.

You are an abused woman whether you realise or not.

Yep. My ex was like this. I became a sahm to have and look after 4DC and couldn't work because his work made his hours unpredictable with frequent work trips. But whilst I was a sahm he couldn't help because he 'paid the bills '. Little digs about me being a lady of leisure. I only got money for food and some stuff whilst he controlled all finances. Couldn't afford to just go and buy stuff that was needed, would need to ask him. He earned over £100k and we live in a cheap area so no money issues.

I have a degree and had a career pre kids.

When I started working again when they were all at school, he sabotaged it. He nearly killed us driving me to the airport for a work trip. He was so insanely jealous that he wanted to come on the trip with me. And instead of working from home that week, he got his friend's daughter and alcoholic brother to look after the kids.

He absolutely did not want me independent. He wanted control and once getting me pregnant and keeping me home no longer worked he became insanely jealous and impossible to live with.

My DH can be the most Amazing man but he can also be a massive arsehole.

What you describe here is a classic cycle of abuse. It's a period of abusive behavior usually followed by an apology and a period of good behavior. The fact that he can even be an arsehole to his partner, the one he claims to love, should tell you all you need to know about who he is.

You have a husband problem.

OP

So after targeting a very young teen to care for his children AND nurse his relative, he started making digs so you would go to work?

He has you lined up to be his nurse with a purse.

He has ALWAYS been totally focused on HIS needs and using you as a mug.

Do NOT be his retirement plan.

Because believe me he has you scheduled to work till you drop to fund his retirement and skivvy in the home.

He is a really bad person and you deserve so much better.

Please do not return to that house.
Get legal advice.
Get the home sold.

Get out and live your life for you, finally.

Do not think he cares for you.

You are there to be used to make HIS life easier.

Where the hell have your family been.

You poor woman.

Those of you defending the OP's husband, can you answer me this: what do you think of a man in his mid 30s, with two children under three years old and a sick relative, who gets it together with a woman 14 years younger than him? So someone in their late teens or at most around 20. That's not a general criticism of age gap relationships but specifically in those circumstances, when the younger person is still very young, and the older person has a large number of caring responsibilities.

I mean, if you had met the love of your life, and she'd been your helpmeet for 15 years, if she'd spent her 20s caring for your dependants and then, when they were no longer so dependent, she started to find her own feet, wouldn't you praise her and nurture her? Or would you start throwing garden furniture around and criticize her weight gain? Because I just cannot fathom what it is about his behaviour that's excusable or understandable.

It sounds like your husband has always been controlling but you have being toeing his line and now you are not his abuse is increasing.

I think to some extent you need to be carefully with your job, I don’t mean give anything up!, but you need to develop coping strategies and the ability to turn off mental or you WILL burn out. Remember you need to look after yourself to be able to look after others.

Yes.

You don't sound compatible. Are you planning on children?

He wants a stay at home wife with no children? Or with children/and you want to be independent and career-focused.

He needs to find such a woman, and you need to find an equal partner, not someone who wants to support you or a family.

No one is in the wrong overall (he's obviously in the wrong for being violent and abusive), so you need to break up so you can both live the life that you want.

@Feelingsadallthetime

Your DH is a problem. That behaviour is not acceptable and you know it.

Your 'fixing' tendencies are also a problem and will cause you to burn out. I work in a similar job - underfunded/ staffed. You could work 24hrs a day and there would still be more to do.

If you are wanting a long term career in that role you need to learn work/ life balance, or you will burn out. I've seen it time and time again and felt close to burnout myself. Sadly the people I have known have not come back after burnout with the same energy/ robustness. I wish we could have prevented burnout for them.

You've come into this role at a crisis point for mental health post covid/ decades of austerity/ cuts to services. Get an older more experience mentor and access therapy if you can. Your life has been spent caring - the sick relative/ step children. That is likely why you have ended up entering a caring profession.

Please invest in yourself with therapy. I imagine it will be transformational for you.

So if you don’t eat the takeaways and pub food you’re boring, and if you do eat them you’re (in his eyes) overweight? So you can’t win. He’s abusive and controlling. Paying you to stay at home! Just so he can control you more.

Keep at the job OP. You sound very suited to it and like you can really make a difference. Be very firm with your boundaries though and try not to get too emotionally involved.

He sounds jealous & threatened by your independence. No support for what you’ve gone through stress & loss wise. That in itself is enough to make someone comfort eat. Using your weight to manipulate you & erode your self confidence is unkind. Don’t let him. You sound like you’re doing amazingly well focussing on qualifying in a profession & developing your skills/self. I don’t have any advice other than to say YANBU & don’t let him think you are.