Aibu that you should say thank you when someone cooks you dinner?

[MarmaRell78]

Maybe I'm in the minority, but I always say thank you when someone cooks for me. I'm on maternity leave, so basically doing all of the cooking / cleaning/ washing / clearing up. DH can't even be arsed to put his stuff in the dishwasher, a classic pile it up the side of leave all over the house.

But the very least, surely, is when I've cooked him dinner he could at least look up from his phone and say thanks? I get that he's been at work, but am I asking too much?! Silently fuming and wondering whether to pick this fight.

YABU - You don't need to say thank you every single time someone cooks for you when you're off work anyway

YANBU - Doesn't take much to make me feel a little more appreciated and it's definitely good manners

Definitely!! Even if I don't like the food I will always say thank you. I really appreciate the time, effort and thought that's gone in to it.

YANBU! My DH is the same! They don't seem to understand how much work goes into running the home and looking after the kids!

I think people should thank you for the effort of cooking. But, I don't always thank eg my DD for enjoying the dishwasher or DH for doing gardening, as I feel that thanking them would imply (1) it's my job and (2) they're helping out, whereas i feel strongly that these are household chores and we should all do our bit. Perhaps that makes me a bit of a hypocrite!

Absolutely, it's basic manners.

He should be saying thanks, putting stuff in dishwasher and ideally cooking for you when he can. This is what my DH does most of the time. He never fails to say thanks and clears away 90% of the time.

Perhaps you can suggest he clears away when you've cooked and vice versa?

However that's a calm conversation for when you're in a better place and tbh him ignoring you throughout dinner (that you've cooked) doesn't sound ideal.

What happens if you keep trying to get his attention? Will he respond? Does he enter into conversation and happily chat with you?

DP and adult DS never fail to acknowledge their meal. Usually to comment that its nice, which I take as a thank you. I always thank them when they cook for me too. We thank each other for other domestic stuff too, clean laundry, lifts. I thought everyone did.

Its common courtesy surely? I thank my partner even if she has chopped a few things and I've cooked the rest! How weird!

Absolutely they should say thank you.

If you're with him while he/you are eating why he on his phone anyway?

But yes YANBU a thank you is just polite.

I'd be less bothered about the lack of thanks than the fact he does fuck all housework and litters the house.

Look up from his phone?? Surely he doesn't sit at the table eating dinner on his phone?

This is an absolute minimum for me. I have gone to the effort of preparing food for you so you damn well say thank you. We are a traditional split in this house but saying thank you costs nothing and I know my effort is appreciated. It slipped at one point and I carefully pointed out that failing to thank me left me feeling unappreciated and was bloody rude and I wasn't some kind of skivvy. I have not had to make the point again since.

YANBU. Manners are probably the only thing left in this world that cost nothing.

Glad to know it's not just me! Thank you!!
@DontBuyANewMumCashmere the problem is that he usually finds jobs to do instead of clearing away, or gets home later on and so he spends a bit of time with the little one before bath (which we alternate every other night), and then just sits in front of the sofa. It just gets left until the next morning, for me. We used to always do one cooks, one clears but it's harder to make that work with the baby!

He will talk to me if I try and engage him, but it leaves me to deal with the baby still and then he totally ignores anything she tries to show/ babble at him, which is such a shame. He also has an easy 20 min drive home, so I think that should be some of his decompression time

@Johnnysgirl yes just now! Me and the little one eat before he gets home, then he's back half an hour later and we came and sat opposite him (he was already eating) and he didn't bother to put it down. I think it's abysmally rude, but he'll say he's tired and stressed from work (literally always says he's stressed )

If he's busy with bath/bed, how about you ask him to do the dishwasher while you're doing the other baby job? Like he bathes baby, then you get baby and you say 'Would you mind doing the dishwasher while I'm putting him down?'

Or would you rather him take the little one while you do the dishes? Sometimes a break from the kids is nicer than a break from having to do the dishes!

Re the phone thing, I recognise this as I am very ashamed of my phone use around my kids, and me and DH often absentmindedly grab ours during lunch.

Again, during a calm and relaxed conversation I would say 'Darling I've noticed we've been on our phones a bit too much at the dinner table, shall we try and agree not to use them at the table?'
How would he react to that?

yes I agree, I always thank my partner if he cooks dinner. I don’t thank him for emptying the dishwasher or hoovering though….I think it’s cos it’s food. I’m not thanking him cos I think it’s my job or anything… I get a free meal at work at I always thank all the chefs/servers I see and that’s definitely their job not mine 😂.

We're a thank you household. I think it sets a good example to DS if he sees us thank each other and him even for seemingly small regular things like taking the rubbish out, or weeding I would like to think my boy will grow up being kind and polite but children need an example to follow, they won't suddenly morph into that kind of character.

We're a thank you household. I think it sets a good example to DS if he sees us thank each other and him even for seemingly small regular things like taking the rubbish out, or weeding I would like to think my boy will grow up being kind and polite but children need an example to follow, they won't suddenly morph into that kind of character. we also afirm to him how great the other one is e.g. your dad is amazing, he's had such a tough day at work, then come home, washed up and cooked us a delicious dinner. He is incredible, dad, thank you for being so amazing. At which point my DH will mumble simething about being happy to look after his family, it's what he signed up for after all, and we have this rolling conversation with him going on about it being no bother and he's happy to look after us. And me telling him that doesn't mean u can't say thank you and notice when he's been amazing.

One cooks, one cleans up. We would always say thanks for cooking but never thanks for cleaning. Think in my head it's cos the cleaning has to be done whereas cooking is something that is chosen to do.

This is a much bigger issue than a lack of thanks over cooking. He's completely taking you for granted. Time to read him the riot act OP, unless you plan to spend the next 18 years being the default parent and household slave.

Ergh it's looking bleak. In so many other ways he's so great and wonderful and I don't have complaints. He's really good with the night wakings, and he does all the driving and so much so I don't wanna paint him in a bad light. But it just gets to me when I've spent all day tidying up after the three of us, doing all the big and small cleaning jobs and he can't even muster a thanks. He just told me he always makes a point of saying thanks, but I just know that's not true. We need a whole chat I think

It's a fight I pick.

@Yodaisawally 😂

DH mostly always says ‘thanks love’ or ‘oooh I like the look of this!’ when I dish up dinner. Or even just a ‘that was lush’ when he’s finished. It’s an acknowledgement of the effort I’ve made.