Aibu that you should say thank you when someone cooks you dinner?

[MarmaRell78]

Maybe I'm in the minority, but I always say thank you when someone cooks for me. I'm on maternity leave, so basically doing all of the cooking / cleaning/ washing / clearing up. DH can't even be arsed to put his stuff in the dishwasher, a classic pile it up the side of leave all over the house.

But the very least, surely, is when I've cooked him dinner he could at least look up from his phone and say thanks? I get that he's been at work, but am I asking too much?! Silently fuming and wondering whether to pick this fight.

YABU - You don't need to say thank you every single time someone cooks for you when you're off work anyway

YANBU - Doesn't take much to make me feel a little more appreciated and it's definitely good manners

Hmmm.

Why is cooking dinner deserving of a "thank you" when no other household job is?

Saying thank you to anyone who gives you food should be the norm in any circumstance. Food is life and to not say thank you for it in some way is beyond the pale.

Of course. My children always say thank you when I put their dinner on the table. My dad never used to thank my mum for anything, she would bring him cups of tea, dinner etc and he couldn’t bring himself to just say thank you. I find that very rude. I wouldn’t be cooking him dinner when he’s so rude

It's not hard though is it. You hand him dinner and he says thank you! It's really not hard. People thank people for holding doors open ffs.

You see I find this attitude very odd. As a parent, it’s my responsibility to feed my DC. Why should they formally thank me for basic parenting? I don’t understand this expectation of gratitude for doing the bare minimum.

Absolutely its basic manners. We are a fairly traditional household though, I'm a SAHM / carer and do the vast majority of household related things and DH will say thank you for those things as he knows it's something I do so he doesn't have to do it, same would apply if he was a SAHD eg he will notice I've tidied and will say the house looks lovely etc.

Hopefully we have instilled manners into our children, we have a no screens at the table rule and we all wait for everyone to be sat down and the DC ask before they start eating. Also we don't get down until all have finished although young DC get a book etc to look at if they have finished.

DH and I will also thank each other for little Jobs that our both our responsibility but someone needs to do them eg I'll say I got diesel he'll say thanks.

Reading this back maybe we are a bit formal 😂

Hi op. Yes I think you should say thank you. But also he should be doing a lot more. Doing the driving is laughable. That is easy. Being on maternity is to look after your child and yes, possibly doing more of the housework but not all of it. Having a job doesn't mean you can't do housework. I mean you worked before kids and still did housework, shopped and cooked right?

So unless you want to be a lifetime skivvy and build resentment sit him down and discuss how he is going to do his fair share of housework and childcare.

This would really annoy me. I’ve lived with DH for nearly 30 years and he always thanks me for any cooking I do, and I do the same. Our adult DDs also do, it’s basic manners!

The thing is, I don't see preparing dinner for a grown adult as being any more deserving of praise than doing his washing, or mowing the lawn, or vacuuming etc.

Why does cooking dinner create this weird expectation of thanks when no other kind of household chore does?

Because you place food in front of someone, unlike the wash up, hoovering etc.

Thanking someone for preparing a meal, that provides sustenance, is so basic in a decent respectful home.

Someone sitting down at the table on their phone, consuming it, unwilling to utter two words.."thank you"......is the utter dregs.

My children, as toddlers, learned to say thank you mummy, just the most basic of manners.

He leaves a mess everywhere to emphasis his disrespect of the OP and what she does in the home.

Absolutely deliberate.
Seeing exactly how much disrespect she will tolerate.

He's drag up, Jeremy Kyle material.

Because food isn't just a chore is it. Food has meaning and culturally we say thank you and have a little respect around it when it's given to us. If you go out to eat you thank the waiter when they serve your food.

I just don't see the difference when it's in the home 🤷🏻‍♀️

Of course you say thank you in a restaurant or cafe - you're paying for a service. Just like you say thank you to the delivery driver or cashier.

Cooking dinner is just another household chore like laundry, vacuuming or putting the bins out.

Thanking someone for preparing a meal, that provides sustenance, is so basic in a decent respectful home.

So my home is indecent and disrespectful then? 😆

No I wouldn't expect to be thanked unless I had a guest or visitor.

So because you are not being paid for it, it is undeserving of the basic courtesy of a thank you?

Fair enough you are absolutely entitled to your view.

I just believe basic courtesies like this contribute to the overall happiness and respect in a relationship.

I am glad that my boys and girls have been raised to appreciate all acts of consideration towards them, irrespective of if the service has been paid for.

As children they did not pay for anything but they always thanked me for all food, snacks, lifts etc.

Each to there own I guess.

Stop cooking for your DH. Stop loading his dirty plates in to the dishwasher if he won’t take his turn.

Let him know you’re not his housekeeper, and that relationships need communication in order to thrive - introduce a no phones at the kitchen table rule.

If anything though they are being paid so already have their "thank you"

So because you are not being paid for it, it is undeserving of the basic courtesy of a thank you?

No - that's not what I meant.

But I just don't see how cooking a meal is more deserving of thanks than any other household task.

I mean, I don't thank DH for washing up or doing the bins, just like he doesn't thank me for doing laundry or changing bed sheets - it's just part of running the household and we just split it between us.

Whereas if I'm going out and paying for a service in a restaurant, that's (to me) very different and of course is deserving of thanks.

Definitely thanks are in order for presenting someone with a meal. It’s different to stocking up on loo roll.

I taught my children from tiny to say, ‘Thank you for my nice tea Mummy’ every day. Even if it wasn’t especially nice! Their friend’s parents always commented on their nice manners. If not their behaviour in all other respects.

Nobody should underestimate the power of please and thanks. I know in some cultures it’s not considered as important.

Definitely thanks are in order for presenting someone with a meal. It’s different to stocking up on loo roll.

But why is one domestic task more worthy of praise than another?

God the majority of comments on this thread are just so wet.

You want to be told thank you so you 'feel appreciated' or that your hard work is 'validated'?

You want to be told thank you for cooking over other chores because you are physically putting something in front of someone? Would you expect a thanks if you threw down a plate of horseshit in front of DH? Or maybe you would thank DH if he put the hoover down in front of you so you could get started on the bedroom carpets?

People banging on about common decency and manners - your kids might say thank you to you but I bet they're still t**ts at school or to other people.

Get a fucking grip - it's your family. You're not a waiter or an unknown person off the street. It's this type of nonsense etiquette which has lead to a breakdown of the family unit - 'I would expect a thanks at minimum' - what utter bollocks - if people are deriving self-worth or gratitude from their husband and kids saying 'thanks' for cooking up a bit of shepherd's pie then no wonder so many British families are broken!

I have relatives who never thanked me for their meal when I cook for them. It really annoyed me. Yet if we go to their house and one of them has cooked they fall over themselves praising the cook. Now when these family members visit, my lovely DC make a point of thanking me and complimenting me on the meal so they're shamed into showing appreciation.

Do you really never thank someone for household chores? Me and DH are often saying thanks for doing xyz not every time but sometimes it's good to say thanks

"Thank you" won't help if his attitude stays the same. It's just meaningless words then. He says thank you, and you immediately feel validated and respected. It doesn't work like this. It's like "sorry" doesn't mean you really are.

Yes, I’m with @Moosake – there’s a lot of “Oh, thanks for hanging that wash out, I totally forgot” or “You did the dishwasher, cheers!” in our house. Not each and every time but appreciating and being appreciated is nice.

And I see dinner as a separate thing from chores, even though it can be a bore: unloading a dishwasher is mundane and the same every time. Dinner is about love and sociability and so much more than just fuel, and we make an effort – laying the table, serving dishes, cooking favourite things. I love to be cooked for and will always say thank you. It doesn’t make us a regimented formal household, withholding favours until someone barks a “thanks” – quite the opposite.