Aibu that you should say thank you when someone cooks you dinner?

[MarmaRell78]

Maybe I'm in the minority, but I always say thank you when someone cooks for me. I'm on maternity leave, so basically doing all of the cooking / cleaning/ washing / clearing up. DH can't even be arsed to put his stuff in the dishwasher, a classic pile it up the side of leave all over the house.

But the very least, surely, is when I've cooked him dinner he could at least look up from his phone and say thanks? I get that he's been at work, but am I asking too much?! Silently fuming and wondering whether to pick this fight.

YABU - You don't need to say thank you every single time someone cooks for you when you're off work anyway

YANBU - Doesn't take much to make me feel a little more appreciated and it's definitely good manners

Knowing my children are well fed, enjoying their meals and going to bed on a full stomach is enough gratitude for me. For that, I am grateful.

Exactly, this is lovely and how it should be. Most people care more about manners within the house than the love or conditions they are setting on their kids just so they feel appreciated or validated.

The best justifications are 'I don't want them growing up entitled'....oh, you mean like their mums who feel entitled to gratitude for feeding the kids they chose to have and raise? 😂

Oh isn't that nice - giving gratitude to your husband and kids for giving gratitude to you.

@Vivi0 you have a very odd perception of how families work. Why the hell should your kids not say thanks just because you are their mum?

We all say thank you to each other frequently. If my husband has beaten me to taking the clothes out of the dryer, I would say thanks. If I say I’ve ironed your shirts but left them in the airing cupboard, he would say thanks. When one the kids clear the table after dinner, we say thanks.

Chores always feel a little less of a burden when someone appreciates it and of all the people in the world I appreciate my family the most.

you have a very odd perception of how families work. Why the hell should your kids not say thanks just because you are their mum?

No one is saying you shouldn't be thanked at all by your family - it's all the people on here who are saying they should/must be thanked and seem to have illogical far-fetched reasons as to why cooking stands out.

That just sounds like a family dynamic that is based on validation through reward and gratitude rather than love. You see tasks as individual things and when someone does it, they should be thanked. It's all part of running a family and a household.

@IFeelItInMyFingersIFeelItInMy

I think you're making a whole lot of really extreme judgements and generalisations here.

Just because a family puts value on expressing gratitude, that doesn't mean they aren't just as happy, loving, thoughtful or nurtured as any other family. The two things aren't mutually exclusive. I really can't understand why you'd be so vitriolic and vicious about it, really, calling people wet blankets, implying that their families can't possibly be as nice as yours... what on earth is going on?! I don't know whether you had some issues in your own childhood with overly strict/formal/cold parents or something, but it certainly feels like there's some crazy projection going on here.

I grew up in a really loud, raucous, warm, loving, opinionated, affectionate working class family where everyone was talking and laughing and arguing and eating and hugging each other all the time. Not remotely formal or needy or cold or anything like that. But we also said 'Thanks Mum, that was really nice' or whatever when she cooked us dinner, just as my parents said 'Ooh, thanks sweetheart' to me and my siblings when we made them a cup of tea or something (which seemed to be about 12 times every evening but anyway). I also remember that when we went on days out and stuff, my mum used to say to us 'Aren't we all lucky that Dad works so hard and takes us out to all these places, eh?' and there'd be a big chorus of 'Yeah, thanks Dad, love you' from the back of the car.

It's absolutely fine that you don't feel saying 'Thanks Mum/Dad - that was really nice' after a plate of spag bol is necessary - no problem at all! If you're happy and your family's happy, and that's your general vibe, that's brilliant and that's all that matters. I'd never dream of thinking there was weird or wrong about that. But I don't understand why you're so angry that some people's families have different norms to yours, or why you think they must be
cold/dysfunctional/needy/unloving/formal/slaves to the patriarchy just because they're verbally appreciative of the things they do for each other. People are allowed to express themselves in different ways.

Of course my children say thanks, but we are talking specifically about cooking and whether you should expect a thank you each time you prepare food for your family.

Cooking is part of my responsibility towards the family, working is part of my husband’s responsibility towards the family. My role isn’t any more worthy than his is. The effort I put into cooking shouldn’t be ranked as greater than the effort he puts into work. I’m not deserving of thanks any more than he is. I wouldn’t expect my kids to thank their dad for going to work each day. That is our responsibility as adults and my children are absolutely entitled to expect to be supported financially and fed. That’s the bare minimum as far as I’m concerned.

Nor do I expect my children to thank me for doing something for them which they cannot do for themselves. They will learn, in time.

Expecting to be thanked doesn't mean that I don't love my children unconditionally. What a ridiculous statement make.
If you don't want to teach your child good manners that's up to you but don't think it means your love for your children is any more unconditional than parents who do teach good manners.
The point about presents was would you expect your child to open it and not say anything?

Exactly, this is lovely and how it should be. Most people care more about manners within the house than the love or conditions they are setting on their kids just so they feel appreciated or validated.

Teaching your kids to say please and thankyou does not mean you love them less than parents who don't teach their dc this. what weird logic.

My dc saying thank you for a meal is not a condition I set in order to love them ffs. We teach manners in our house because we want to do the best for our dc in hoping we've raised them well enough that they turn out to be decent human beings. BECAUSE we love them.

We've had friends of the dc over on many an occasion and yes some of them have zero manners. No pleases or thankyous anywhere. And yes, I do judge the parents of those dc because at the end of the day this is basic parenting that should be taught at home. And yes also most if not all of those mannerless dc who visited as younger children are now incredibly entitled teenagers.

If one of my dc turned out like OP's partner, sitting there like an entitled arse, not thanking her for the meal she prepared because he was 'entitled' to it, sat on his phone while eating it. Well, I'd think i'd failed them somewhat in my job as a parent.

Only on mumsnet do parents argue that teaching your dc manners is a bad thing.

I am generalising and making opinions/judgements based on the comments on this thread. Of course I can't and wouldn't assume that what I am saying applies to every family in all situations.

I didn't say my family was nicer than anyone else's and actually I grew up in the complete opposite family dynamic to the one you might have assumed i.e. we didn't grow up needing to say thanks all the time.

You are right, the two are not mutually exclusive and indeed that is my broader point. Many of the comments come from mums who expect a thanks in order to feel appreciated and try to explain why cooking is more important than other chores. It does feel all a bit wet - they are placing emphasis on manners in order to make themselves feel better when really they are fulfilling an obligation that started when they decided to have a child. That doesn't like a particularly good basis for a family unit but that is my just opinion.

Your dynamic growing up sounds lovely and that is my point - it's organic, not forced and sounds like you all meant it. There isn't anything wrong with saying 'thanks' but when a mum expects it from her child or feels undervalued when it isn't said, I just feel like the dynamic is off as a mum should need to derive self-worth or happiness from it.

It’s not the word “thanks” though is it? It’s the fact that you are just not appreciated at all and that your DH has effectively checked out of family life. That’s your bigger problem.

fwiw I say “thank you” 99% of the time. And 1000% of the time I say appreciative things like “oh this is so nice!” Or “I’ve been looking forward to this all day it looks lovely!” or something similar

You might not love them less but it certainly sounds like you would think less of them or have some negativity if they didn't thank you.

Forcing a child to appreciate you for doing your duty is not good manners.

I'm not really sure what point you are making about the gifts. I said you would expect a thank you for a gift because it's not something you have to do or are obligated to do unlike feeding them. You've implied that getting a gift for your child is equally as important as feeding your child which for reasons I gave before, is not correct.

It's nothing the lack of a thank you that I have the problem with, it's the overall behavior. You are not just there to clear up after him. Personally if I make dinner I want to to sit and eat it with the other person and have a conversation.

Completely agree.

My children's friends all had lovely manners, no doubt like me, reminded of them when they go visiting to the houses of others from when they were young.

There seems a real chip on the shoulder edge to those who resolutely denounce manners within the home.

My children have lovely manners with each other which is lovely to see.

Nice manners are just another life skill that parents endeavour to teach so that they will have extra confidence as they navigate life.

I always encouraged them to thank their teachers who were so good to them over the years too.

There isn't anything wrong with saying 'thanks' but when a mum expects it from her child or feels undervalued when it isn't said, I just feel like the dynamic is off as a mum should need to derive self-worth or happiness from it.

I haven't read a single post from anyone that implies if her child does not say thank you they feel undervalued or have the need to redrive self worth or happiness from it. What utter rubbish.

What I have read is posts from people saying they want to raise well mannered and nice children, and not rude, entitled ones. Not ones that turn out like OP's bloke.

And from those posters who don't want to teach their children manners and simple respect for things done for them, venomously telling others that they must love their children less.

Fwiw, my little one is too little to say thanks anyway, so in this case my question was more about my partner, but it's very interesting to hear from those with more grown up kids.

I don't think anyone is saying that they must have thanks all the time or else, but just that it's nice when they do. Obviously some meals are a bit of a miss when the recipe doesn't go quite to plan!

I am interested in those that don't want to teach pleases and thank you in their own home, do your kids say it at others' houses? How do they know to say it? And what are they thanking them for (if they do say thanks) that wouldn't also apply to you doing the same thing?

There isn't anything wrong with saying 'thanks' but when a mum expects it from her child

Well, actually yes, as a mum, I do expect my child to say thankyou. And please. And be polite and respectful. Isn't that a parenting basic?

There isn't anything wrong with saying 'thanks' but when a mum expects it from her child
Why do you have an issue with people instilling basic manners in their children, and expecting them to behave with civility to everyone?

No, personally I don't think it is basic parenting to hold your children to the same social etiquette as any random person off the street. I'm not saying kids shouldn't say thanks or please with their parents but their are a large number of people who place value on hollow words at home because it is 'good manners' when actually it is the unspoken acts which show the genuine gratitude or appreciate for what a mother or father do.

Look at some of the comments:

• Even if I don't like the food I will always say thank you.
• a thank you is just polite.
• It's a fight I pick.
• I always thank him and he rarely thanks me (though he seems to think he does!) he will if I stare at him pointedly long enough

And there are some who see a thanks as validation or appreciate

• This is an absolute minimum for me. I have gone to the effort of preparing food for you so you damn well say thank you.
• This is a much bigger issue than a lack of thanks over cooking. He's completely taking you for granted.
• They don't seem to understand how much work goes into running the home and looking after the kids!

Family isn't 'everyone' - you're misconstruing the point and applying what I've said to a situation outside of what the OP has said. I don't have to cook for my neighbour so if I do, I would feel entitled to a thank you.

I've not once said that kids should actively be raised not to say thank you to their parents for cooking. What I've said is that parents shouldn't feel entitled to be thanked for it and equally, that family can show appreciate/gratitude in unspoken ways other than saying 'thanks' which in the OPs case, would be a very hollow gesture.

I absolutely teach please and thank you. What makes you think that I don’t?

There are some posters suggesting that somehow my children don’t have manners or will grow up to be “entitled arseholes”.

Why?

Because I don’t NEED a thank you for feeding my own kids.

They undertake their own age appropriate chores. At first I’d encourage them with “good job” and “well done”, but no, they don’t need a thank you for picking up their own dirty clothes from the floor, or emptying their plate into the bin. I have expectations of them, they same way they have expectations of me.

Everyone contributes in our home and is appreciated for their efforts; not just the person cooking the food. It seems very old fashioned to me.

I do 99% of the cooking and DS2 sometimes says thank you. DH and DS1 very rarely, perhaps never do. I also work full time and do private work in the evening, all the house admin and most of the running around with the kids.

On the odd occasion DH makes dinner it's like it's the event of the year, he makes out it's the most stressful thing of the decade and when DS2 didn't come in immediately it resulted in him complaining how he'd been slaving over a hot stove and DS couldn't even come off his PC game immediately to come and eat it. I was so pissed off at the drama of it all. It wasn't anything special food wise so probably a half hour job to cook.

I think people should say thank you but I do understand why when one person cooks every day it is forgotten about.

So I suppose the original point which I've been making throughout is that in this situation, I think that if DH and kids come down on time when you call them to eat, maybe help set the table or pour water out for everyone and are fully engaged with everyone at the table - that to me says they respect you and your efforts and are grateful for what you have done. If they say 'thanks mum this is really good' then great - added bonus - but the fact that they have acted the way they have is more than enough and I wouldn't think them not saying 'thank you' is indicates any lack of manners within the family context.

@IFeelItInMyFingersIFeelItInMy I totally agree! This would make it feel so different. If I am cooking I usually give a bit of notice, DC could be having a shower or something so coming down instantly I don't expect but would be nice to offer to set the table etc for sure.

How old are your DC? It might not be too late to implement something like this.

@Vivi0 I get this with your kids , but what about from a partner? You don't have to cook for them so should they say thank you?

@IFeelItInMyFingersIFeelItInMy actually I totally get this and yes part of my annoyance yesterday was that he didn't engage with me, didn't look up from his phone, didn't do anything appreciative or to acknowledge the food he was eating. It's not specifically about "thank you"