Aibu that you should say thank you when someone cooks you dinner?

[MarmaRell78]

Maybe I'm in the minority, but I always say thank you when someone cooks for me. I'm on maternity leave, so basically doing all of the cooking / cleaning/ washing / clearing up. DH can't even be arsed to put his stuff in the dishwasher, a classic pile it up the side of leave all over the house.

But the very least, surely, is when I've cooked him dinner he could at least look up from his phone and say thanks? I get that he's been at work, but am I asking too much?! Silently fuming and wondering whether to pick this fight.

YABU - You don't need to say thank you every single time someone cooks for you when you're off work anyway

YANBU - Doesn't take much to make me feel a little more appreciated and it's definitely good manners

This is the fundamental problem - so many people see the act of saying thanks as enough but frankly it sounds like most people are getting a forced or hollow thanks or the kids/husband see it as a simply pleasantry. Is the OP's situation really bettered by her husband saying thanks? For him it'd just be an off the cuff remark before he goes back to his phone.

At the end of the day, for the closest families, gratitude and thanks are unspoken. It's amazing how many women on this thread expect it. My husband and kids sit with us around the table and we all chat together with no TV. The fact that they are happy, chatting away, laughing and enjoying the food is enough to tell me they are grateful - not some half assed 'thanks' before they go back to watching some TikTok shit on their phones.

Agreed. We don’t say thanks. But we all appreciate each other with our actions.

Absolutely, I'd be a hell of a lot less bothered about the lack of thank you for cooking if I felt appreciated at all. He doesn't appear to appreciate that he has to do fuck all else either. Tonight I asked him if he'd mind doing bathtime because I'd had a long day with her and he responded that "it wasn't his turn", despite the fact I've done a lot more baths than "my" turn 🙄

He is currently downstairs carefully and consciously tidying up the kitchen, emptying and loading the dishwasher and doing the putting away tho 😂

It's annoying when no one says thank you. Far more annoying for me though is that regardless of if I cook or my husband does I always wash and dry up. Kids are meant to do it but don't.
Normally I get a thanks off them but I'd happily forgo the thanks if someone else (anyone else) did the sodding washing up.

I can’t believe how many of you expect a “thank you” from your husbands and children for cooking meals.

I think it’s really weird and, quite frankly, entitled.

Do you all thank your husbands for going to work?

I mean, if there is an unequal distribution of chores in the household, of course address it. But expecting a “thank you” for doing your share is ridiculous!

You've made a lot of assumptions there that simply betray your own narrow world view. Neither me nor my husband thank each other for going to work. But we do thank each other for the food made by the other, and I thank my dc when they make a meal for the family too.

@Vivi0 I do thank him for working tho, not every day, but it's still a new thing for us that he's going out to work to pay for everything and I'm not earning anything.

I do like a pp idea tho if making a big deal of it to the kids. I could definitely be a lot more sympathetic to him when he's had a long day. I mean, he wants to work for sure, but I'm sure there are times he thinks he'd rather stay in with the kiddo

Neither me nor my husband thank each other for going to work. But we do thank each other for the food made by the other, and I thank my dc when they make a meal for the family too.

But why, though? Why is cooking singled out for credit? We all have our roles and responsibilities within the family, and cooking is only one small part of that.That seems really formal and stifling to me.

And what if only one person cooks? Does that mean that one of the couple is getting thank yous and appreciation on the daily, and the other is getting…nothing?

My husband and I share a mutual appreciation of the other’s efforts and know that we’re working towards a common goal. That’s enough for us - no need for endless thank yous.

You've made a lot of assumptions there that simply betray your own narrow world view.

It is true then, that those who insist on “thank yous” and “manners” are often the rudest.

How can someone who teaches manners and for others to be grateful be rude?
It's nice to thank someone when they do something for you, whatever it is.
IMIO cooking is more effort than lots of other things though. Chucking washing on for example is a 2 second job, cooking is every day for at least 30 minutes at least once a day.

We always thank each other for cooking. Or for doing other household chores. It's polite and builds goodwill.

ABSOLUTELY YANBU.

When I was little, I told my mum her dinner was very good and thank you.
She said “well, at least someone in her family appreciated it.”
My dad and my older siblings turned it into a game to see who could say thank you first for the rest of my childhood.

@Rosebel yes I wouldn't expect thanks for each washing because it's really not any hassle, but quite a lot of thought goes into meal planning, shopping and cooking meals that the whole family will eat

I don’t get those saying it’s just a normal household task so why say thank you. Cooking a nice meal takes planning, prep, effort and thought has to go into it.
it takes no thought or prep to clean a toilet, dust the lounge, hoover a floor. It’s the same thing over and over.
cooking is different everyday and requires thought and mental effort.
maybe we’re weird then, but I’m not apologising for teaching my children to say thankyou when someone has taken time from their day to do something for them to enjoy, no matter who that is or what the meal is.
in fact the other day dd (15) had a friend over and while we were eating she said ‘thankyou for dinner, this is lovely’. I didn’t think ‘oh yay, go me’ and I wouldn’t have been offended if she’d said nothing. But I simply thought, what a lovely well mannered girl.

I’m not apologising for teaching my children to say thankyou when someone has taken time from their day to do something for them to enjoy, no matter who that is or what the meal is.

But cooking for your children isn’t optional. You don’t cook for your children’s enjoyment, you cook to keep them alive. And anyone who is caring for a child, should be feeding them. Why should kids be thanking adults for doing something they’re supposed to do?

Thanking a woman for cooking a meal for the family seems like a relic of past days when the “man of the house”, who knew he had free rein to do whatever he wanted, would do his bit for the day to keep his wife happy by thanking her for preparing the meal, in a tone which instructed the children to do the same.

It seems really rigid and outdated. If the adults in the house are sharing the load and doing their bit, then there should be no need for it. I get that a bad day can cause us to feel under appreciated, but appreciation needs to be mutual and you can’t expect it without giving it back.

Cooking really turns people into martyrs. “Look at what I’m doing for you, you better thank me” as if no one else’s contribution to the household is as important.

But cooking for your children isn’t optional. You don’t cook for your children’s enjoyment, you cook to keep them alive. And anyone who is caring for a child, should be feeding them.

Of course we have to feed our kids. And yes I do cook for my dc enjoyment. I make things they like, and other days things we like. And then theres feeding a child any old crap (to keep them alive as you put it) and actually taking time to cook a nice meal. When the dc cook, I say thank you. I don't expect them to be grateful for every single thing I do for them, or even every meal if its not their favourite things, but I do expect them to have manners.

Why should kids be thanking adults for doing something they’re supposed to do?

Its called not raising entitled arseholes.

builds goodwill.

You shouldn't need to build goodwill with your family.

My dad and my older siblings turned it into a game to see who could say thank you first for the rest of my childhood.

So basically it was meaningless/seen as a game.

I’m not apologising for teaching my children to say thankyou when someone has taken time from their day to do something for them to enjoy, no matter who that is or what the meal is.

'Someone' - you're their bloody parent. It's your job.

in fact the other day dd (15) had a friend over and while we were eating she said ‘thankyou for dinner, this is lovely’. I didn’t think ‘oh yay, go me’ and I wouldn’t have been offended if she’d said nothing. But I simply thought, what a lovely well mannered girl.

I mean clearly in this situation it is fair to consider her ill mannered had she not said 'thank you'. You're not her mum, you're not responsible for her and you have cooked her dinner - it would be polite to say 'thanks'.

Saying thanks doesn't mean they won't be entitled arseholes. Just because they don't say thanks to you doesn't mean they aren't incredibly polite and well-mannered to everyone else they meet.

It basically sounds like there is no genuine love or gratitude in most of the posters' families on this thread. They value this bizarre notion/gesture of saying 'thanks' to apparently 'teach' manners within the family which creates a barrier of formality. Even then, if they don't say thanks, it has to be drawn out so it's contrived.

Of course we have to feed our kids. And yes I do cook for my dc enjoyment. I make things they like, and other days things we like. And then theres feeding a child any old crap (to keep them alive as you put it) and actually taking time to cook a nice meal. When the dc cook, I say thank you. I don't expect them to be grateful for every single thing I do for them, or even every meal if its not their favourite things, but I do expect them to have manners.

I’m not “feeding a child any old crap” I’m “taking time to cook a nice meal” - cooking martyr!

Its called not raising entitled arseholes.

It’s entirely reasonable for a child to have an expectation that mummy will do for them the things they cannot do for themselves. It’s not the lack of eternal gratitude that makes them entitled, it’s when mummy (or daddy) don’t show them how to do these things for themselves at the appropriate age.

Anyway, is there anything more entitled than expecting recognition and thanks for doing something that is expected of you as an adult and in your role as a parent?

Saying thanks creates a barrier of formality??!! That's the most weird thing I've ever read on here.
So because we should buy a gift for a child's birthday they don't have to say thanks, even if it's something they really like? And yes it is similar to saying thanks if someone has cooked something you enjoy because both are things as a parent you should do
No wonder some children grow up so entitled.

Anyway, is there anything more entitled than expecting recognition and thanks for doing something that is expected of you as an adult and in your role as a parent?

Well I've raised 5 dc, 4 now in mid/late teens and none of them are entitled arseholes. They are polite, independent and decent human beings who any parent would proud of. So you do you, and I'll do me. I simply believe that teaching manners in the home carries forward to other situations they will find themselves in.

The irony in your use of the word entitled. You see, i'd consider someone who ate food someone else had prepared and cooked and didn't say thank you (and were sat on their phone no less) as entitled. But there you go. Different views.

Of course it does - you're basically teaching your children to show gratitude for something they are automatically entitled to. You are teaching them that politeness and manners are required for your obligation to feed them. If they don't say thanks, you're forcing them to say thanks because of social etiquette which shouldn't apply because you are required as a parent to feed them.

Don't be daft - buying a gift is not the same because you don't have to buy a gift for your child. Whilst I'm sure every parent will try to for the sake of their child, are social services going to come knocking on the door because you didn't buy your child a gift? Maybe you couldn't afford to?

Children should grow up entitled to expect they will be fed by their parents. It's a real travesty that so many parents think, in the name of 'good manners', that they should be thanked for this - what unconditional love.

I’m not talking about a vague “someone” preparing food though, I’m specifically talking about a parent.

Of course I teach my children manners, but they are absolutely entitled to have an expectation that I will feed them, and feed them not “any old crap” as someone else suggested, but a “nice meal”.

I simply do not have this formal type relationship with my children. I’m their mummy, not some Victorian schoolmaster. Doesn’t mean my children are going to grow up to be entitled arseholes, not by a long shot.

Knowing my children are well fed, enjoying their meals and going to bed on a full stomach is enough gratitude for me. For that, I am grateful.

YANBU - manners cost nothing!!

YANBU.

This is one thing I will give my DH and both children credit for. They always say thank you and very often that it was lovely and they enjoyed it. There is no excuse for poor manners or neglecting to appreciate some else’s efforts.

We don't really say thank you to each other for meals. But him leaving dirty stuff lying around the house would annoy me, he sounds like an unruly teenager!