If it turned out you’d been switched at birth, would you want to know?

AlternativePerspective · 2022-06-08T16:27:00+00:00

This week’s long lost family was about two women who had been switched at birth. One had always suspected because of something her family had said when she was growing up, but the other one had no idea. So the one who suspected wanted to know the details, so did DNA tests etc, and it turned out she was right. However, the other one had no idea and her life and that of her family was essentially destroyed when she was approached and told that the family she thought she had weren’t actually her family at all and her brother for e.g. was told his sister wasn’t his sister etc. Personally I think that the makers of the show were morally wrong for telling her, and all the other woman should have been told was that yes her family were not her biological family. But at that point she IMO lost the right to invade the lives of her biological family who hadn’t asked to be put in the situation and were completely unaware. If I were told out of the blue that I had been switched at birth and my family weren’t my family, I would want nothing to do with those who were my biological family. And if I were told that my sister had been switched at birth I would outright reject the biological sister I was given in her place. Because my family are my family and I wouldn’t want anything to do with anyone else wanting to be family. So, would you want to know?

Shedcity · 08/06/2022 17:31

But that’s your choice

non of them asked for this. It doesn’t change the facts and everyone has the right to make their own decision.
if anything I think your reaction to ‘outright reject’ someone who is completely innocent seems a bit strong.

stairgates · 08/06/2022 17:32

For me at my age 46 I would want to know, I am very happy with the people who are my family so I think finding another family atm would be quite an eye opener and wouldn't affect me too much, but I could be wrong.

Switchin · 08/06/2022 17:34

YABU - I think your stance is really, really nasty to be honest. Families aren't limited or finite - there's enough love and care for everyone. You don't have to reject the family you grew up with in order to have a relationship with your biological family too.

If it turned out I'd been switched at birth then I'd want to get to know my biological family. I'd want my family to know their biological child/sibling too. If I found out one of my siblings had been switched at birth then I wouldn't love them any less, it wouldn't change how I feel about them even remotely, but I'd love to have a relationship with my biological sibling too. If I found out that my child were switched at birth then it'd have no bearing at all on how much I adore and treasure my child, but I'd love a relationship with my biological child too. I have capacity to love and care about many people at the same time.

I can't understand your hostility towards your (hypothetical) biological family. None of this was their fault and, surely, the more the merrier? You can't ever have too many people who care about you.

I feel like you're coming across in your OP like one of those family members who "outright reject" people who marry into the family too because they're not "real" family and then can't understand why their in-laws don't like them.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 08/06/2022 17:37

I must admit, it really didn't sit right with me at all. And I usually enjoy the series.
The dna test had already confirmed that she was right but I don't think anyone should have bowled into the other family and told the other swappie in her 70s that the whole basis of her life was wrong. Given that all the parents were dead, what the hell is she going to do with thar info? She seemed devastated.

FlatBottomedGirl · 08/06/2022 17:38

I think you're wrong, the sad fact is the swap happened and withholding information about someone once it's come to light is immoral. That said, I felt so sad for Jacky on the programme. I hope she finds peace with it. The Italian family were incredible!

KittenKong · 08/06/2022 17:38

I think so - it may be important in health respects (ie hereditary conditions).

swapped is one thing - a mistake, but if it was a case of a baby being stolen or sold then that’s a different thing altogether.

Original poster

AlternativePerspective · 08/06/2022 17:39

The only one who had a choice was the woman who started the initial investigation.

Nobody else had a choice in the producers of a documentary approaching them and saying “hey, turns out your family aren’t your family, would you like to meet the real ones?” Obviously I presume it wasn’t done using those exact words but that’s the gist.

Even wanting to meet another family would IMO be a rejection of the family I actually have. The ones who brought me up and who I grew up with.

The woman who had it landed on her was devastated because she felt she’d lost her brother who she was always very close to.

OP posts:

Maytodecember · 08/06/2022 17:40

You’d have your choice and they had theirs.
And how do you know you’d reject the biological sister? You might really get on and like each other.
The two Italian families who had the same thing happen had all worked together for the children affected and it seemed to work.
And as a child I used to wish my parents had taken the wrong baby home and one day I’d be taken off to my real family. Never happened tho 😔

Hugasauras · 08/06/2022 17:41

No, I don't think I would. I don't really have a yearning for any undiscovered siblings or getting to know new biological family members in my late 30s, and I had a happy childhood and love the family I have, so I don't really feel I would gain anything.

DorritLittle · 08/06/2022 17:42

I would not mind knowing, and it would not affect how I feel about my family. But agree the programme really had no moral right to be the one to decide this.

Original poster

AlternativePerspective · 08/06/2022 17:43

I feel like you're coming across in your OP like one of those family members who "outright reject" people who marry into the family too because they're not "real" family and then can't understand why their in-laws don't like them. bit of a leap there?

rather than rejecting someone who married into the family it would be like someone coming up to you in the street and saying “hey, this is x, she’s your family now.”

She wouldn’t be my family. I have a family. If she married my brother then she would be family, but DNA doesn’t make someone family, however much they hope it does.

These women were in their 70’s. There was absolutely nothing to be gained by tearing someone’s life apart and essentially telling them their whole life was a lie.

OP posts:

Maytodecember · 08/06/2022 17:43

And remember, a huge amount is edited out of the finished programme. The brother and sister would have been approached by Social Workers and only given as much information as they wanted. They could say go away at any point. They would have signed permission for any images and film of them to be shown and could have refused any of it.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 08/06/2022 17:45

I would not want to know. I am very happy with the family I have - I think some of that would be lost and it is unlikely I would gain much of a relationship with an unknown biological family at this late stage.

Original poster

AlternativePerspective · 08/06/2022 17:46

Maytodecember · 08/06/2022 17:40

You’d have your choice and they had theirs.
And how do you know you’d reject the biological sister? You might really get on and like each other.
The two Italian families who had the same thing happen had all worked together for the children affected and it seemed to work.
And as a child I used to wish my parents had taken the wrong baby home and one day I’d be taken off to my real family. Never happened tho 😔

She didn’t have a choice though did she?

She was told out of nowhere that the parents she had, who were dead, weren’t actually her parents. That her brother wasn’t her brother and that she had a sister instead.

She had no choice in the matter.

Wanting to find out is one thing. But being told essentially for entertainment and having to deal with that information is quite another.

However sensitive the programme tries to be, it is essentially entertainment. And this woman’s life, and that of her family, were destroyed in the name of entertainment.

OP posts:

TheSpottedZebra · 08/06/2022 17:48

Maytodecember · 08/06/2022 17:43

And remember, a huge amount is edited out of the finished programme. The brother and sister would have been approached by Social Workers and only given as much information as they wanted. They could say go away at any point. They would have signed permission for any images and film of them to be shown and could have refused any of it.

Quite. They chose to cooperate. Others in that series have declined to appear on TV.

And the 1st woman, who knew she was swapped -she felt that as she was in her 70s it was now or (possibly) never as they all age.

LaurieFairyCake · 08/06/2022 17:50

Yes, because they'd be old now and I'd want my inheritance

Original poster

AlternativePerspective · 08/06/2022 17:51

Maytodecember · 08/06/2022 17:43

And remember, a huge amount is edited out of the finished programme. The brother and sister would have been approached by Social Workers and only given as much information as they wanted. They could say go away at any point. They would have signed permission for any images and film of them to be shown and could have refused any of it.

Of course they could. But this doesn’t change the fact that they would then have been told. You can’t unscramble an egg.

Even if they’d said go away, the information would be out there.

And then presumably the other woman would accordingly have been told that her biological family actually didn’t want to know her.

OP posts:

minipie · 08/06/2022 17:51

The brother and sister would have been approached by Social Workers and only given as much information as they wanted. They could say go away at any point.

How does this work then? Social workers approach you and say, I have some information about your family, do you want to know? Who’s going to say no? You don’t know what the information is?

I agree with you OP.

SpaghettiNotCourgetti · 08/06/2022 17:52

I agree, OP. It's part of why I'll never do one of these DNA things like 23&me - I don't want any more family than I've got. My parents will always - annoying as they are - be my parents, and my brother will always be my brother. If I found out now that I had a half sibling from an earlier relationship of a parent's, I wouldn't want to meet them or anything, and that's my right 🤷🏻‍♀️

12Thorns · 08/06/2022 17:53

I wouldn’t care either way tbh. My family is my family, even if I discovered they were no biological relatives. If I discovered I’d brought the wrong children home from hospital I wouldn’t care about that either. I’d keep the ones I’ve raised

ImAvingOops · 08/06/2022 18:00

Sometimes I think theses programmes can do more harm than good and it's sometimes best to let sleeping dogs lie. The Roman who had this sprung on her will be wondering if her parents would have loved her as much, had they known. The parents are dead and no good can come of throwing a grenade into a family at this point!

That said, I'd want to know. But the whole thing is a total nightmare. I'd want the child I raised and my biological child. The whole thing really messes with peoples heads!

Mommabear20 · 08/06/2022 18:03

I'd still consider the family that raised me, to be my real family, but I'd definitely want to meet my biological family

MatildaTheCat · 08/06/2022 18:05

I agree. I felt so extremely sorry for Jacky who, at the age of 77 and not in good health, had been informed her life was all wrong. The initial woman had an inkling all her life as did her family. For Jacky it was a total and devastating shock.

The Italians were a masterclass in grace and doing right by your children. Really incredible.

Original poster

AlternativePerspective · 08/06/2022 18:06

LaurieFairyCake · 08/06/2022 17:50

Yes, because they'd be old now and I'd want my inheritance

I have a family member who thinks like this.

They found out a couple of years ago that they have half siblings from their father who left when they were children and remarried and had two more children with his new wife.

Her first reaction was to say that she would demand a DNA test to prove that they were related so that she could benefit from her father’s will.

None of her other siblings agreed with her FWIW, but even if they had, the father was married to another woman when he died, and as such any money he’d had would have gone to his wife, so they wouldn’t have had a claim on it anyway.

And even if they had, telling the half siblings that they had 5 siblings they didn’t know existed and that they now wanted a cut of the inheritance is about as low as it gets IMO.

OP posts:

JemimaHumdrum · 08/06/2022 18:08

12Thorns · 08/06/2022 17:53

I wouldn’t care either way tbh. My family is my family, even if I discovered they were no biological relatives. If I discovered I’d brought the wrong children home from hospital I wouldn’t care about that either. I’d keep the ones I’ve raised

Yes I'd keep the ones I'd raised too but would still want to know the biological one.

Same with parents, the ones who brought me up would always be my real mum/dad but I'd like to know who the others were too.

I would want to know the truth.