If it turned out you’d been switched at birth, would you want to know?

[AlternativePerspective]

This week’s long lost family was about two women who had been switched at birth.

One had always suspected because of something her family had said when she was growing up, but the other one had no idea.

So the one who suspected wanted to know the details, so did DNA tests etc, and it turned out she was right.

However, the other one had no idea and her life and that of her family was essentially destroyed when she was approached and told that the family she thought she had weren’t actually her family at all and her brother for e.g. was told his sister wasn’t his sister etc.

Personally I think that the makers of the show were morally wrong for telling her, and all the other woman should have been told was that yes her family were not her biological family. But at that point she IMO lost the right to invade the lives of her biological family who hadn’t asked to be put in the situation and were completely unaware.

If I were told out of the blue that I had been switched at birth and my family weren’t my family, I would want nothing to do with those who were my biological family.

And if I were told that my sister had been switched at birth I would outright reject the biological sister I was given in her place. Because my family are my family and I wouldn’t want anything to do with anyone else wanting to be family.

So, would you want to know?

The whole talk of how they had a choice about appearing on the programme is a red herring.

Of course they did. But they didn’t have a choice about knowing their family wasn’t their family did they? Even if they’d told ITV to get lost, they would still have known the information.

As for the need for medical information, I imagine that at 78 that’s not really important any more.

I haven't seen it, but from all the posts, I feel sorry for Jacky/Jackie. It would be tough to find out in your late 70's.

Does anyone know what the comment was that the other woman had heard that made her 'wonder'?

For me, it's hard to image as I look like images of my parents over laid & my siblings and I are clearly peas popped out of the same pod. plus my Dads much younger sisters & I could be sisters, easily.

I don't think any of us can know until we are in that position, not really.

A few years ago we had sn 'heir hunter' approach us as they were trying to find the family of x. It was all very interesting & my mum now has several cousins we didn't know about. It has been nice, meeting them, but it's quite hard to maintain any meaningful contact as we have nothing in
common, though mum has become quite close to one of them that she actually knew slightly as a child. It's all a bit complicated, but I do care about them.

I would want to know, I would want to meet them and unless they were not nice people I'd want to build a relationship with them in both directions.

I don't understand not even wanting to meet them & not being open to finding out more about your biological family & history.

Hmmm I’m not sure to be honest. I haven’t had any contact with my biological Dad since I was two and I have half siblings on his side who have reached out since we were adults and I have rejected contact. They are not my family. I have siblings and a Dad (my Mum remarried), and I don’t count any of my bio Fathers other offspring as my siblings, they are nothing to do with me. So I think from that perspective I wouldn’t see them as family.

I’m not sure if I would want to know from a hereditary illness perspective though.

And it’s not just about finding out your family isn’t your family, it’s about your family finding out you’re not their family. it must lead to immense insecurity on behalf of the one who had been switched. The wondering whether your family are going to reject you now they know you’re not their’s. Building a new and exciting relationship with the sister they really have, and so on.

It’s an extremely delicate situation, I watched it and felt so terrible for the poor sister who didn’t know. I also feel that because the one looking for answers had a secure and as she described ‘amazing and loving family’ she didn’t really need to reveal herself to the biological family. Indeed, get the answers she has longed for but she could have perhaps found out who they were just so she knew herself but I don’t think it was right to crash into a 70 year old woman’s life and tell her she isn’t who she thinks she is.

I found out at 21 that the man who raised me was not my real dad he had no idea I wasn’t his and my biological dad didn’t know that I even existed 🤦🏼‍♀️

My parents split when I was 16 (Dad had an affair) and it broke my world apart. I didn’t have an overly happy or secure childhood and always felt anxious, different and completely misunderstood.

I am (was) an only child and experienced extreme loneliness and anxiety when younger, I yearned for siblings. I wanted to know the truth but only because I found out I had a younger brother and after being in a lot of pain through my parents split I felt I had a second chance at a real family! I was very naive and innocent and much more level headed now! The impact was huge and I approached it as carefully as possible. My Dad who raised me has never accepted it even 15 years on and won’t discuss it with me which hurts because I never asked for this situation and he broke up the family previously.

My biological Dad and his wife have been amazing but I think being so young myself I never fully considered the impact it would have on their life and most importantly on my little brothers who was only 10 at the time. I love them all so much now and we have a great relationship which I am really grateful for although my Dad who raised me is still my ‘Dad’ and always will be but it’s not something to take lightly.

Ultimately I feel that every single person has a basic right to know who they are and where they come from if that’s what they want. The long lost family scenario was difficult to watch and the sister who had no idea must be feeling immense pain particularly as her parents are no longer around so I do understand your feelings on this. There is no right or wrong answer I suppose.

@AlternativePerspective

As for the need for medical information, I imagine that at 78 that’s not really important any more

no, but to be fair that's not what you asked, you asked people if THEY would want to know.

Not necessarily. There is an adoption in my wider family and the person (adult) doesn't give a hoot about biology - the people who brought them up are their parents and they have no interest in finding out about the biological side at all.

Do you think that adopted children shouldn't have a right to contact their biological parents? Or to know they are adopted at all?

Even wanting to meet another family would IMO be a rejection of the family I actually have. The ones who brought me up and who I grew up with.

Adoptees do this all the time. It isn't a rejection of the family who bought them up. Its just wanting to know where they come from.

Also I don't belive you can possibly know how you would feel or react in a situation like this unless it happened to you

It is always better for people to know, if only for the reason that it enables a complete medical history.

It was a fascinating programme.

The Italian families we’re amazing. I couldn’t imagine giving up ‘my daughter’ at the age of three. I felt that the blond lady found it harder than the dark hair lady. However, it all seems to have worked out well.

it must be difficult to discover in your seventies that you’re not biologically connected to your families. What a shock! Her life has been turned upside down, through no fault of her own. I was expecting her to meet her biologically sisters, or the sisters to express a desire to meet her. I’m surprised she went public.

I guess you’re never know how you’ll react until you’re in your situation.

the difference though is that the parents know the children were adopted, it was a deliberate act to adopt them and as such they deserve to be told.

At 78 this woman was raised by her family, had presumably a normal upbringing, and nobody knew that she wasn’t their family. There was nothing deliberate about it, and there was nothing to be gained by crashing into her life in this way. It’s not remotely the same as adoption.

In her 70’s that’s not really important though. If her children have inherited anything from her then that fact will already be known.

And as an elderly woman finding out something like this isn’t going to save her life, but it could potentially kill her if the shock was that great and she e.g. had a heart condition.

OP they would have had the permission of the person who initially didn't know to appear on the TV.
That person must be ok with it to be on the TV.
I haven't watched the show, so I am assuming both swapped people were present.

Also, why are you getting so worked up with something that has nothing to do with you?!

You can reject outright whomever you wish, these people are obviously more open minded and kind hearted to accept others into their lives.

You didn’t answer my question OP.

If your child had been accidentally switched at birth and turned up on your doorstep in 25 years time, you wouldn’t want to know them?

I'm not convinced by all the talk about medical history - there are a few conditions where it would really make a difference (Huntingdon's, BRCA for example) but otherwise when does it matter? I've got to 40+ with my family's medical history having no more of an impact than academic interest.

I honestly couldn't tell if I'd want to know but sound's like it was really tough on the other lady.
Did it tell you how/why they were switched at birth?

Also, why are you getting so worked up with something that has nothing to do with you?! well it’s entertainment isn’t it. It was televised for entertainment purposes and as such we who watch it tend to have an opinion, no?

I don’t know.

If it was potentially to the detriment of the child I’d raised, then no, I don’t think I would.

I think this is just the standard trite response trotted out time and again by people who can't imagine a worst case scenario that turns their lives upside down and leaves them wishing they'd never known.

Did it tell you how/why they were switched at birth? they were born in a nursing home and when there was an air raid the babies were taken down into the shelter because they couldn’t wear masks. When they were returned the granny of one of them realised they hadn’t had the same baby brought back.

Everyone should have the chance to know their biological parents. Everyone. This particular case obviously caused massive heartache. But the heartache isn’t the fault of the original person who tracked down her family. It’s the idiots who mixed up the babies.

Agree. At 42 I was diagnosed with a genetic heart condition which I undoubtedly have inherited from one of my parents. Except none of us knew, so not everyone knows a medical history even when you are related. And even now I know, it doesn’t change anything.

I wouldn't want to know if I was switched at birth, same if I was adopted I wouldn't go looking for my birth parents.

Except her biological parents are dead. So she’s not going to know them.

And I’d be surprised if it was as cut and dried as the family just being able to refuse to appear on television once their details were known and the other woman wanted to appear and know who they were.

I highly doubt that ITV would have just not aired the show had the other family told them to get lost. I’d imagine there was very likely coercion involved in the other family appearing.